Ice Roses
by Banana-viking
Summary: Elsanna (not sisters). "I don't believe that," the girl stated, utterly sure of herself, "I'm sure I can make you smile, somehow." And boy was she right. Depressed/Anna, Homeless/Elsa. Modern AU. M-rated for language, dark themes and adult content. Cover image by yaripawn.
1. Smile

**Chapter 1 - Smile**

**A/N:** Update: I've been told this first chapter is a bit heavy and maybe boring, but was assured that the story gets better as it progresses, so if you have time, give it a chance :)

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I am so tired of this lifeless condition my body has stuck me in. This emotional numbness and the overruling feeling of not caring is making me tired. It's getting kinda old. What if this is life? If this is life, then I don't care – see my problem?

Life annoys me. It's like people are just passing by without any notice of each other. They just assume by asking a single question, everything is fine. And then they feel good about themselves. That's the worst part. They get a feeling of satisfaction for pretending they cared for a second.

I am tired of this conscious lock-down my body has put me in. Like I don't have access to my mind or emotions. Like I'm never going to be able to feel love. Only pain. Most likely physical pain. I haven't come to the part of the story where I've started cutting myself. It's too cliché. Plus, people don't care anyway. So why bother with the scars? Some people just have them for attention anyway.

Everybody wants attention. You can't deny it; you want it too. Hey, no shame in that! It feels good. I can't get enough of it; it's like a drug to me. It could be any drug, since I've never done drugs before. Unless you count alcohol and cigarettes of course. However, getting high on attention is nothing like being drunk, or getting nicotine high. In fact, I don't like being drunk. I hate that insane loss of control. I just feel even more trapped inside my body, even though it's nice to get out of my head once in a while.

I simply don't get the people who seek to those kinds of senseless methods. It's not like I choose to be emotionally numb. This body won't let me _in_, if you get what I mean. It's weird talking about your own body as if it was some kind of stranger. It has a life of its own. And it's like it has closed off every part of my brain.

The part that controls concentration.

The part that controls mood.

Even the part that controls memory. All out of range, like a shelf I can't reach.

I love my body, don't get me wrong. I mean, where would I be without it, right? I like my looks, to some extent, it's not that. I'm afraid it's all going on inside my head.

But I love my body.

In fact, I love it too much to plunder it with scars all over my wrists, and poison it with alcohol every weekend. I quit cigarettes after about a week. Luckily, I never got addicted. I couldn't stand the fact that my lungs were turning all black inside of me. Plus, if I _wanted _to kill myself, I would do it fast and painless. Not sacrifice small portions of my life for every cigarette. I am a lot of things, but I'm not a wuss.

Don't worry, this is not a story about a girl being in a bad place, where some wonder-boy with big hazel brown eyes swoops in and makes her feel all better. It's not one of those stories. This is just a story about a girl being in a bad place. You can stop reading now if you want, because you will probably not find this much interesting. I mean, who would? Who cares?

Anyhow, in my mind the world is a horrible place without any positive outlook. You spend all your childhood being worried. Worried about every single little damn thing.

And then when you grow older, you actually find out that the world _is _a horrible place, filled with war, hunger, selfish politicians, money, money, money, money, money... sorry lost track there. And then, you just stand there. And there is nothing you can do about it. You're just a part of their system, like a number on a bingo ball. A world where money has more value than a human life – and before you correct me, it's true! Think about it. Just think. Think for one second, and you will see it.

And here you are, stuck in school, or whatever. Just wanting – no, _craving_ – to drop everything and _do_ something. _Anything_. Instead of just being stuck in their system. Like a piece in their puzzle. But you can't. Because if you lose a puzzle piece, you start looking for it. Or else you can't complete the picture. And in a few years, when you find that missing puzzle piece under the couch, or wherever, you start over, and complete the picture.

This is why I have this infinite pressure to live up to certain standards. And worst of all, these are my own standards. But I wasn't born with these standards now, was I? So therefore, I blame society. I blame society for having forced these crazy ideas into my head. Ideas like I can become _anything_.

It's too vivid of a statement. _Anything. _What is anything? Anything is everything, and everything is anything. I don't want to be everything – or anything for that matter. I just want _something_. Something is a good word. It indicates an uncertain amount, which can either be infinite or limited. I wish I could be infinite. But I can't wrap my head around it, so I stick with limited.

My point is that this world has too many options. This is where the standards and expectations comes in again.

My parents never had many expectations for me, because I always tried as hard as I could. Hell, I even started my own college font when I was thirteen. They kept saying the ideal parent-phrase: "We just want you to be happy." Well, great, easier said than done.

Now, this is where the self-loathing enters the picture. I'm sorry about that. I wish I could say 'Now, this is where the self-loathing exit's the picture' but I am afraid that is not the case. You might think: "Why should I feel sorry for some first-world white girl having an identity crisis" – and you shouldn't!

Actually, please do not feel sorry for me. That would make me feel even worse about myself. I don't like to come off as the sensitive girl, so I'm only going to say this once, but I feel like I'm stealing the spotlight for those whose lives are actually tough. My life isn't tough, never has been.

But there are people who has serious problems, like children who don't get help; those are the ones you should feel sorry for. No, you shouldn't feel sorry for them; you should get off your lazy butt and go help them. So, before you keep reading, promise me you won't feel sorry for me. I am simply telling you a story.

Why am I telling it? Maybe someone out there can relate and maybe not feel so alone. Perchance I'm just telling it to make myself feel better. Maybe it has something to do with the person I am going to tell you about. I think that's why I am telling it.

So yeah, I am the girl who pretty much has everything. Well, not a boyfriend. Only semi-popular. No extremely close friends anymore, sadly. But I got a roof over my head, all the books I could dream of reading, a warm bed to sleep in at night, and food on the table every night.

There are some perks of being this way. You see, I don't get nervous. It simply doesn't matter. Nothing matters enough in my mind to make my body psychically nervous. But that all changed.

It all started that one day where you least expect it. It wasn't snowing that day, but it was certainly cold. I was walking to my car from the clinic. That's when I saw her. I know, I know, I said this wasn't one for those stories. But I said nothing about a girl did I now?

Now I wish I could tell you that 'that day changed everything' and all that cliché romantic bullshit, but surely, that wasn't the case. It was normal day like any other. But this is where it all began, so I thought I'd mention it.

I was walking down the sidewalk, thinking about nothing in particular, when I looked across the street. She sat by the corner of the ally next to _Tiana's Café_. If you haven't been to Tiana's you oughta, the flapjacks are to die for – not literally, don't worry.

I didn't know her name back then, and I wasn't particularly interested at that moment either to be honest. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't the least bit curious. I mean, of course I couldn't help but wonder what name followed by such a fair-skinned girl with platinum blonde hair. Her eyes were almost as icy blue as the ice-block in front of her.

She was just sitting there, cutting her ice sculptures. Don't ask me where she got so clean ice from. I figured she must've gotten it from the lake just outside of town. What she did to earn money in the summer, don't ask me about that either. Nonetheless, she sat by that freezing street corner every day with a paper cup in front of her, while she was cutting her ice roses.

It was disgusting to see people throw in pennies, I mean, you're donating money to a homeless, not mocking them by emptying out your dusty old pockets. You might as well just plaster a sign to your forehead saying "screw the homeless." At least just buy one of her ice roses.

She cut with such precision it was almost scary. It wasn't that I'd never seen the girl before, but it wasn't until that day I really _saw_ her, you know?

Maybe it had something to do with me being a klutz and knocking over her cup of taunting pennies as I walked by.

"Ah, shit," I mumbled awkwardly.

I squatted down to pick up the change that was now scattered all over the sidewalk. The girl didn't say anything. She merely let go of the chisel in her one hand, but didn't let go of the hammer in her other. The girl had raised her free hand to cover mouth, suppressing a smile, or a giggle, I don't know. I was on my knees, and my jeans were getting soaked from yesterday's snow.

"Sorry about that," I mumbled as I put the cup back upright with all the coins in it.

"It's no trouble really," the blonde said smiling gently at me. Her hands were covered by grey gloves, but the fingers were cut off, giving the girl better mobility to work. As I was about to leave, she picked up one of her freshly carved roses and handed it to me.

"Here, it's on the house."

I stood for a moment, debating whether I should retrieve my hands from my pockets and actually accept the damn thing. Finally, I reached out my palm, figuring it would be rude to leave her hanging like that.

The ice felt cold against my skin, and for a moment, I admired the neatly carved rose in the center of my palm. It was hard for me to gather how it was possible to make something so beautiful out of something so powerful, cold and dangerous. I mean, I couldn't even cut a tomato in equally thick slices, not without cutting myself at least.

"Do you make anything else?" I asked without thinking much about it.

"Yes, but I enjoy these the most," she smiled.

"Why?"

She thought long and hard on that one while she picked one of her roses up and studied it.

"It's a metaphor," she stated, her eyes never leaving the rose in her hand.

"Whoa, easy there, John Green," I said, doing my best on a teasing smile. I wouldn't say I succeeded, but it was worth a shot. The girl in front of me seemed to get it though, and she even chuckled.

"I'm serious. You see, ice is only temporary. It will melt. And these," she gestured to her roses, "they bring joy. I don't know, I think it's a friendly reminder that joy is only temporary. You can't be happy all the time. Or else there wouldn't be anything special about it. The same goes for my roses, if you could keep them forever, they wouldn't be special."

And sure enough, the ice rose she had just handed me had started to melt in my hand. It's beauty slowly floating away.

"Then… at least let me pay for my temporary joy," I stated, and pulled five bucks out of my pocket to put in her cup. It looked much better now, the cup. It honestly deserved better than those damn pennies.

"Well, that's the thing," the girl said, fishing out my five dollars, and handed them back to me, "joy can't be bought. It's an individual perception really. I might find joy in some things that you don't… but honestly, I just wanted to see you smile."

Her smile was genuine. And wow, was it refreshing to see. For a moment, she actually made me question my thought about no one caring. But, who was I kidding? She was a complete stranger, why would she care? And about me, of all people?

"Well, like you said. Some things can't be bought. Not even with a handful of joy," my voice was firm, revealing the sad truth.

"I don't believe that," the girl stated, utterly sure of herself. "I'm sure I can make you smile, somehow."

And boy was she right. But more on that later. At the time I simply thanked her for the rose and left.

And there you have it. That's where it all started.

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**A/N:** I'll just make some things clear now that I have you. This story will not contain violence or any form of sexual abuse. But the story _is_ going to deal with some heavy issues, and is therefore M-rated for that reason, so don't be surprised if it gets a little depressing. Additionally, I fear that some of Anna's thoughts may seem offensive? Just to clarify, that is not my intention, but that's how she is written.

Stay awesome

\- Banana-viking


	2. Snowball

**Chapter 2 - Snowball**

I kicked the snow off of my shoes before entering the house. My mom had lit the fireplace and it was toasty warm as I walked through the door.

The ice rose had completely melted before I made it home. It was nothing but a tiny pool of water on the passenger seat in my car now. The sun had peaked its head out and doomed the tiny icy joy on the seat next to me. I guess the girl was right because I didn't feel very joyful or happy as I entered the door.

My mom was all over me as usual. My dad was sitting in his chair in the living room, reading the daily newspaper.

"Anna, sweetie, how did it go? Are you making any progress? What did Dr. Hudson say?" my mother's voice called as she exited the kitchen to greet me. She was wearing a pink apron over her purple dress.

"It went fine, and I really don't want to talk about it."

"But do you feel like you're making progress?" she asked hopefully. I could see the spark of hope in her eyes, she was radiating with it. I hated disappointing her.

I sighed heavily. I knew she was only trying to help, she really was. But this was the exact opposite of helping. This was yet another type of pressure. Pressuring me into getting better. And by the looks of it, I couldn't tell whether I was getting better or worse.

"Gee, I don't know, Mom. It sure is difficult to tell after _three _visits," I snapped.

_Don't do that to her, Anna. She's just worried. You know that._

"He didn't suggest the meds again, did he?"

I nodded in response. As the matter of fact, he had. I still didn't understand the urge many psychiatrists had to proscribe their patients with anti-depressants. After all, it was only my _third_ session. How could he tell yet that meds were the most suitable treatment for me? It wasn't a secret that I didn't want to take medication. It didn't feel severe enough for that. Not yet at least.

I also had this strong-standing idea that everything that came naturally should disappear naturally as well. I often avoided aspirin for headaches – I just really felt like my body should handle it.

"Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea…" Mom uttered under her breath.

"Mom!"

"I know, I know, you have that whole thing with your body should be able to take care of itself. But, since the doctor is recommending it... After all, you did get all those painkillers when you broke your arm and had to get stiches…."

"Yeah, but that didn't exactly affect the mind…" I grumbled.

"You were high as a kite, honey," she said and brushed my bangs away to kiss my forehead, "just consider it."

I sighed again. It seemed like that was all I did around my mom lately. My dad? Not so much. A simple nod and a 'yes, sir' would do.

"How's practice going, Anna?" my father asked deeply engrossed in his newspaper.

_Speaking of the devil._

"It's going…" I mumbled.

"You're still going to practice, right?" he eyed me warily over his newspaper.

"Yes, sir," _ah there it is._

He grumbled and returned to his paper, licking his fingers to turn the page.

My dad was referring to my handball practices. Ten years of the sport and you would think I was done, right? Quite on the contrary. Since I was accepted to Arendelle University last fall on a handball scholarship, my dad made sure I had evening practices with a private coach. Not that you could practice handball without a team, but let's just say it was all cardio and drills.

College didn't last long though. I lost all motivation to learn, and quickly buckled under from the pressure. The school still wanted me on the handball team however, so they suggested that I just took 'some time off,' but still participated in practices at least three times a week.

They offered the school shrink to help me out with my 'current situation,' but my parents felt more comfortable with a more experienced physiatrist. One they knew on a personal level. Dr. Hudson was one of my mother's old friends, and she had contacted him straight away when she got the call from my school about my 'academic blockage and emotional instability.' Heck, I don't even know where they got all that nonsense from, for all I knew, the professors barely knew my name. Perhaps, it was my lack of attendance and missing papers, I don't know.

Dr. Hudson supported the evening practices, and thought they could perhaps help me with emotional outlet. But after ten years, I knew it didn't help. It didn't help one bit. I think it maybe even made it worse.

After another awkward family dinner where my mother tried to spike up a conversation, and my father just grunted in reply, I went to my room. Dorms never really appealed much to me, and since we were living so close to campus, I didn't see the need. My mother had tried pushing it, as she did with pretty much everything, but I said I'd prefer to stay at home.

I didn't do much really. Netflix was my only friend lately, except maybe for Sven, my old high school buddy. Him and then Tiana who had the café. Well, she didn't exactly own the café per se, her father owned it but named it after her.

Tiana was a great girl, a couple of years older than me. She sometimes functioned more like the older sister I never had than a friend, I guess. Somehow, she understood better than most. Not quite, but she was the closest to anyone truly understanding.

Sven was my pal who would drag me out at night to go to clubs and drink myself senseless – not that my body hadn't taken care of the numbness for me already. He was the type of person who was just _there. _We didn't say much when we were together, or talk about things on a deeper level. But he was just there. And it was nice.

When I finally smashed my head down on my pillow that night, all sorts of thoughts came crushing down on me.

I had all these thoughts. Uncontrollable thoughts that would slip into my head before I could stop them. Often times, thoughts that shouldn't even be thought, that's how bad some of my them were.

I am going to tell you about all the bad stuff I think about. I trust you – that you won't judge. Of course, I don't fully believe that, everybody judges. Even unintentionally. Thoughts jump into your head even when you don't want them to. Have you ever tried telling yourself not to think of something, but then all you can think of is that 'something.' Crazy isn't it? Don't think about a blue elephant. I'm pretty sure there's a detailed image of large blue animal with a trunk in your mind at this very moment. Anyway, I won't judge you for judging me, now that I am about to tell you about all the horrible stuff that I think about.

Sometimes I think about being diagnosed with a fatal illness, just to see how people would react. How my parents would stand by my bedside, hold my lifeless hand, and how they would cry themselves to sleep at night. How my friends would come to visit me, all teary eyed, and I would be the strong one. Because rule number one, never let your façade fade.

Sometimes I would imagine myself disappearing completely. Leave town with no word, no note, no anything. Sometimes I would imagine myself in a car crash. I wouldn't die, but be severely injured. That way I could avoid every responsibility I had. I had a valid excuse not to attend school, not to see friends, and to be sad.

The one that gets me the most was where I start imagining myself kissing the girl sitting by the alley corner by Tiana's Café. Somehow, I just wanted to take her into my arms and free her from the life that she seemed to have accepted. Not that I thought she needed rescuing. Perhaps she would actually be the one rescuing me.

But I guess it worked both ways in the end.

I couldn't even find peace in sleeping because I would often wake up completely sweaty and gross from overheating. It was literally as if my body was trying to burn me from the inside out. It wouldn't be because of bad dreams, or maybe it would, but I wouldn't remember them anyway.

My body would just keep screaming at me that something was wrong, but it wouldn't tell me what. Instead, it just dragged me through night and day in agonizing numbness.

* * *

I was relieved when I woke up that morning. Actually, I wouldn't call it relief, it was more like going from one type of torture to another.

I pulled on my shorts and Adidas hoodie, and slung my duffle bag over my shoulder. I tied my red hair into a messy ponytail.

"Anna, pull some sweats over those shorts, it's freezing outside!" I heard my mom nag as I was about to exit the door. I breathed heavily, dragging my feet back to my room, and pulled on some grey sweats.

"Ah ah! Breakfast first, young lady!"

_For Christ sake, I'm twenty years old, I'm a freaking grown-up. If I wanted to eat shark-stew or nothing at all for breakfast, I could! _

Yet, here my mother was, bending her finger in a 'come hither' motion, before practically chocking me with oatmeal and fruit salad.

I left with a lazy wave over my shoulder. My mom was cleaning the dishes as she shouted, "have a nice practice, honey! Drive safe, love you!"

I sighed for what seemed like the thousandth time that day already, and headed for my car. It wasn't because I didn't want to say 'I love you' back, I just couldn't. Because I didn't feel it.

Have you ever tried texting while you were in a bad mood, and just not been able to jot down any smileys, because you just weren't feeling it? Like they didn't represent your exact emotions at that point, and just looking at their ridiculously cheery faces made you even more angry or upset? Well, that's how I was feeling all the time.

Practice was uneventful. At least my focus and hand-eye coordination was still somewhat intact. But only enough for my coach not to get mad and start yelling at me. The other girls would stay and talk after practice, something I surely wasn't in the mood for.

Instead, I walked to my car passing Tiana's Café as always and the street corner by the alley. The girl was sitting there as usual, cutting her ice. She looked lost in thought, utterly focused as she cared for the tiny ice flower in front of her. With a heavy huff of air, she blew some excess ice off of the mini sculpture.

I passed her silently, this time avoiding knocking over her jar of pennies. My hands were buried deep in the pockets of my jacket. A sudden blow to my back nearly had me tip over. The snowball broke into a million tiny snowflakes as it hit my back. I might still have had my hand-eye coordination, but Anna Lykke and ice? That was definitely a no-go.

I turned around to find the girl covering her mouth from laughter, making it obvious it was she who had thrown the snowball. The smile on her face made the vague dimples in her cheeks grow deep, while her thin hand was covered up her pretty, white teeth.

"What? Not even a _little_ smile?" she asked, removing her pale hand from her face, and biting down on her lip. My front was facing her now, and I merely shrugged at her comment. Why was she so obsessed with making me smile? She still won't give me a straight answer to this day.

"Guess this requires harsher methods, I might need some assistance," she teased. We just looked at each other for a second, taking one another in. Then she got up and walked towards me. Her clothes were ragged, and I wondered how on earth the girl was able to keep herself warm. She was wearing a dark grey cloak-like-jacket… thingy. Her dark clothing contrasted her pale milky white skin and made it stand out even stronger.

"Here," she reached out for my hand, but hesitated. Did she not want to touch me? Did she think I wouldn't want to touch her? Instead, I brought my hand to her, stretching out my palm. Carefully, she placed an ice snowflake in the palm of my hand. It was so neat and detailed I could barely muster the fact that it was melting already.

"Maybe a rose wasn't exactly for you. Perhaps you find more joy in snowflakes," she tugged some hair behind her ear. Icy blue eyes met mine, and I still couldn't wrap my mind around why she was being so nice to me. She couldn't have been more than a year, maybe two, older than me.

I realized that now was probably the time to say something.

"Why're you trying so hard to make me smile?" – _okay, maybe that wasn't the best way to start the conversation. A simple thanks would have done. Nice going, Anna_.

The older girl didn't seem to mind though. As she looked towards her work of art, currently melting in my palm, the corner of her lip curved upwards.

"Because I think you would look so much prettier than you already do if you smiled," she stated as if it was some world-wide known fact that Anna Lykke would immediately go from a mediocre small-town average-looking girl, to a super model in the matter of seconds if she plastered a smile across that dull face of hers.

Needless to say, I didn't blush. Any other normal person who was told they would look _even prettier_ by an absolutely stunning girl probably would have. But like I said, nothing mattered enough to make me care. But being born under the star of awkwardness, I managed to make a grimace I thought would at least look somewhat like a smile. A fake one at least. But boy was I wrong. The girl had to shoot a hand up to cover her mouth while she tried to suppress a laugh.

"Keep trying, I know it's in there somewhere," the older girl giggled.

_I highly doubt that._

Then she stepped forward, brushing the remaining leftovers from the snowball off of her hand. She didn't put her hand forward, which surprised me.

"I'm Elsa," she stated, her hands remained by her sides. Her name surely was something else, and the times that I had wondered about what such a girl would go by were over.

I noted that it was the second time she avoided my touch. _Does she think I would be repulsed by touching her?_ She wasn't dirty or anything, though her clothes were probably not the cleanest.

"Anna Lykke," I said, keeping my hands to myself as well. It wasn't because I didn't want to touch her. Maybe it was just because I didn't want her to touch me.

"Well, Anna, it's nice to meet you. I hope you enjoy the snowflake," Elsa cooed, and I could clearly see that she meant it.

"I'll try," and for the first time in a long time, I let the corner of my lips tug upwards, just by the slightest. It would be an overstatement to say it could be classified as a smile. But I guess it was a step in that direction.

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**A/N: **I'm sorry if the first couple of chapters are lacking a bit of Elsanna. I assure you that from chapter four the story will contain more.

Stay awesome you guys!


	3. Shower Curtain

**Chapter 3 – Shower Curtain**

I was sitting in my car, trying to get my hands warm by breathing hot breathes of air into my fists. It didn't help much, actually, it just made my hand damp from the hot and cold clashing together, and the moisture felt gross in my palms. I had had an absolutely horrible morning, and was still trying to calm down after my session with Dr. Hudson. He was determined on talking about an incident that had occurred a few days ago.

I had gone shopping the other day, I needed some new knee protectors. I came upon a new shower curtain. It was very pretty with a raw design of an urban city sketched all over it. So I replaced it with the old one.

But, it wasn't as good as the old one.

I really liked the old one.

It was way more colourful. That got me depressed. I'd bought the wrong shower curtain! I started feeling all weird, neither mentally nor physically. More like, _spiritually. _At one point it felt like was going to throw up, and then I felt like crying. I did neither, but the feelings – or lack of – kept pushing from the inside out. They wanted out.

So I curled up into a ball, and sunk to the floor. My body started twitching, and I tightened the grip around myself. Then the shaking started. I was shaking from exhaustion. My stomach started tensing and flexing off commando. It was like spasms, and it hurt.

It physically hurt.

Like a small electrical circuit, being turned on and off, and on and off, and on and off…. Sweat leaped from my forehead and down on the warm bathroom tiles. The more I looked at the shower curtain the more insane my body went.

A low snake-like sound escaped from somewhere. Like a faint hissing. Soon I realized where it came from. It came from me – I was whispering. I don't know what I said, I'm sure it was just a lot of nonsense. I do that when I relive embarrassing situations of my life. Sometimes, when I walk down the street, I realize too late that I'm whispering to myself about an awkward situation I wish I could forget.

Anyhow, Dr. Hudson didn't seem to want to leave it alone.

"So, how did you feel at that moment? Has anything happened recently that could have caused such severe reaction?"

That got me thinking. And the answer was no. Nothing seemed to have triggered it. And maybe that was the problem.

I simply shook my head. Dr. Hudson sat for a moment, scribbling down something in his notebook.

"Anna, I can't help but feel like your body has bottled up so many emotions and these outlets are a cause of that. Are you still attending your handball practices? I'm sure they would help relieve some of this stress you're feeling."

"I _am_ going to my practices…" I mumbled angrily. Everyone kept pushing the handball thing. I knew my father didn't care whether it was good for my emotional outlets or not. He wanted me to keep my scholarship, and be successful. That's what he wanted.

"But, it's just…" the words didn't seem to want to leave my mouth. Partly because I wasn't sure whether my mother and Dr. Hudson discussed our sessions. Dr. Hudson had promised these conversations were confidential, but I couldn't help but shake the feeling of not trusting the man currently in front of me. And yet… here I was, willing to share something. So for once I allowed it.

"It's just what, Anna?" he asked gently, his eyes lighting up a bit by seeing an actual will to participate in the conversation for once.

"It's just… I don't like handball anymore."

Dr. Hudson nodded.

"Tell me more," he stated simply, welcoming me to pour my heart out.

"By now, it seems more like a duty rather than something I enjoy. Every time I have a practice, I feel… trapped. Just the thought of it stresses me out. I've got this… hole in my stomach. Usually, it's empty. But when my father just as much as mentions handball, it gets filled with… stuff."

"Stuff?"

"Like, nervous stuff. Bad stuff."

"I see," the doctor said, and I wasn't sure if he bit notice on the 'usually empty' part. He didn't.

The rest of the session Dr. Hudson asked me a lot of questions, mostly about my parents. There wasn't much to tell really. I didn't know if they still loved each other, but so far no mention of divorce. My mother was overprotective, whereas my dad was the kind of person that was difficult to please. My mother was happy as long as I just got home safe, and didn't break a limb on the slippery pavement on the way.

Usually, talking to Dr. Hudson resulted in some sort of relief. It wouldn't last long, maybe a day, or two. This was why it caught me by surprise when I broke down on my way home.

Tears blurred my vision, and I had to pull over to, well, avoid crashing into my certain death. My mom wouldn't be very happy about that. I steered off the road and pulled over. I don't know what had set me off. Probably the intense therapy session, or just thinking about my miserable life that really wasn't all that miserable. I felt like I was drowning, and that I was turning into… nothing. And then that God-awful song came on, and it was just all too much.

It went something like,

_I'm slowly drifting away_

And the words just hit spot-on, and that's when the blabbering began.

_Wave after wave, wave after wave_

_I'm slowly drifting, drifting away_

_And it feels like I'm drowning_

And God how those words went straight into my lifeless heart.

_Pulling against the stream, pulling against the stream_

It was at least nice to know I was still capable of crying. The sobs came down hard though; they were relentless. It just added to the feeling of hopelessness. It hurt too much to hold them back. I guess you could say it was a sort of surrender.

The anger then rolled over, and I started beating the wheel with all the strength I could muster. I might have slammed down hard on the horn once or twice, causing a few heads to turn as cars drove by. It didn't matter though. They didn't care enough to stop and help anyway.

Screaming didn't help either, it just made me think I was even more pathetic. All these goddamn feelings, that wasn't even really there, and all these goddamn people and their happiness and their way of life. They all just seemed to have everything planned. It was all there right in front of them.

Even Tiana, who'd known she wanted to become a chef since before she was even able to hold a damn mixer. Or Sven who was completely fine with settling down as a receptionist while working towards his law degree. Even my damn mother who was pretty much just a housewife seemed content with it all.

And here I was, slowly losing the will to do anything at all. The only thing that seemed remotely appealing was to bury myself under the covers of my warm bed. My bed, the only thing that understood, and didn't judge.

So when I drove off, after having drained my tear ducts, I drove off with a sense of failure and emptiness. Emptiness that stood even stronger than before I had left the house that morning.

Why did this perfect girl, with this perfect life, feel so incomplete? That was the question I asked myself every night.

* * *

Today my Aunt Susan, whom I love, came to visit.

She wasn't like my mother at all. Aunt Susan was much younger than my mom, still unmarried, and pretty much lived off of her travel blog. I guess you could say my aunt was the perfect example of directionless. She dropped out of college before she turned twenty, much to her parent's displeasure. Ever since, she'd been on the road, sometimes working from day to day to make a living.

She discovered her passion for writing and picked up a few gigs for some private publishing companies who were utterly interested in her talent. Then she started making websites, which she could do from the road, until she began documenting her adventures and became a great success.

She was an adventurous chick, and you couldn't get her to settle down even if you broke both of her legs. Honestly, you wouldn't believe the woman was thirty-one. She could be rather childish and inappropriate at times. And loud. Insanely loud. But it all just added to her person.

She was the one who took the blame when I was ten and we accidently pushed my father's barbecue grill into the pool. Man, I've never seen so much steam in my life, and it got even more awkward as the seagulls started eating my dad's super expensive steaks from out the water.

Handball and flippers probably wasn't the best combination.

Luckily, Aunt Susan had been there to take the blow. She was cool like that. She even gave me a wink, and whispered in my ear that she would do it all over again if she got to see my father's tomato red face once again. Whenever she tells that story to people, she almost convinces them that his head nearly popped off.

Now, my Aunt Susan and I have spent a lot of great times together. However, her travels occupied much of her time and I only got to see her every four months or so.

When I was younger I wanted to be just like her. Her energetic spirit and bubbly personality could lighten any mood settled upon a dinner table, which was quite impressive since my father was among the crowd settled around said table. Hell, my mother used to say with a raised finger "Anna, you're just like your Aunt Susan!" whenever she caught me with my hand in the cookie jar. I took it as a compliment, because no one was as awesome as Aunt Susan at the time.

One night she snuck into my room past midnight and asked me if I wanted to go cow-tipping. Of course, as we were about to sneak out the backdoor, my mother caught us and sent us straight back to bed. Not without Aunt Susan sneaking some ice cream out the freezer first of course.

She was her usual happy self when she entered the front door and slammed her arms around me into that fierce bear hug she was so famous for.

_I didn't miss you at all, _I thought as she hugged me tight. _Not a single bit_. _Even though I love you. But I can't feel that. It's only because I _know_ I love you that I do._ It was rather a fact, than a feeling.

"How is my Banana-bear, you sure look as dazzling as always, my darling," she said loudly against my ear. I wanted to laugh, but it just resulted in an over exaggerated huff of air. She pulled back to place a hand on my cheek and patted it lightly.

"It's really good to see you, Anna, I missed you," the brown-haired woman in front of me said. The freckles that were dusted across her nose stood out a bit more than mine. Her piercing green eyes were reading me.

_I wish I could say the same. I really do._

"I missed you too, Aunt Susan," I whispered, hating saying something that wasn't true. "How long are you staying this time?"

"That's still undetermined, my friend. But so far, as long as your mother will let me," the woman shrugged, and pulled her large North Face duffel bag over her shoulder.

"You can stay as long as you need, Susan. You know that," my mother swooped in and said. "As long as you respect bedtimes. And no smoking in the house, you hear me?" she raised a warning finger towards her sister, and quirked and eyebrow daringly. Aunt Susan just rolled her eyes at her older sibling, before catching my gaze and giving me a wink.

After dinner I was sitting in my room, endlessly searching for something worth watching on Netflix, when I heard a knock on the door. I turned my head to see the same brown locks nearly identical to mother's. If only my mother would stop imprisoning her beautiful hair in those awfully boring buns of hers.

"May I come in?" my aunt asked, though not waiting for a reply since she was already slumping down on my bed next to me, popping up her feet.

"What's up, sweet pea, why the long face? You barely said anything during dinner. I usually have to shut you up with a kick under the table," she stated and pulled her arms behind her head. She nudged me with an elbow, smiling that perfectly beautiful smile of hers. I shrugged and kept scrolling through the continuous list of crappy movies.

"Boy trouble?" she persisted, popping herself up on one elbow, and gently closing my laptop that was neatly placed on my lap. I looked at her, meeting the same green eyes as mine.

"No, it's nothing like that…" I mumbled.

That seemed to make her wonder. I mean, what could possibly be wrong, right? Perfect little Anna who had everything, and had her whole life ahead of her. But I knew Aunt Susan noticed the red flag, if not for my dismissive behaviour, then the fact that I had dropped out of college. I was certain my aunt wasn't thrilled that I had taken after her and just quit from one day to the next.

"You know you can talk to me right? I know I haven't been around much lately, but I'm here now."

I knew it had been a while. Aunt Susan hadn't visited in over a year. Not since she travelled to Australia to work at that animal shelter, while searching for stories worth writing.

"I know," was all I could say. I felt bad for not knowing how to verbalize my thoughts. Instead, I just leaned my head on her shoulder, and let her wrap her arms around me.

"How's your writing coming?" she then asked.

Aunt Susan had been the one to make me realize my passion for writing, though, the past many months had been spent in the isolated corner of writer's block. She encouraged it, even though my parents persisted there was no real future or career in that field (I mean, I could just take a look at my Aunt Susan).

"Not so well," I said.

"That's too bad. I was looking forward for some banana adventures," she sighed. "But hey, we all get those blocks, right? All you need is a little inspiration."

It was quiet for a little while, and I nuzzled in closer to my aunt. My head fit perfectly by the crook of her neck. She was a few inches taller than my mother and I, but had the same strong build as I did. My mother mostly represented a fragile porcelain doll, and wasn't built for sports like me and Aunt Susan.

"I brought my slingshot. You wanna go shoot cans off the roof? Your dad will absolutely hate it," she giggled and winked.

We walked to the front yard and shot cans for the rest of the day until my dad lost his temper, which made Aunt Susan shoot gum drops at him with said slingshot.

* * *

**A/N:** I try to avoid lyrics in my stories, so I kept it short :) Sorry that there was no Elsanna, but I promise next chapter will have more.

Song: "Waves" by Mr. Probz


	4. Clattering Teeth

**Chapter 4 – Clattering Teeth**

The next few days were spend in the solitary comfort of my bed. Aunt Susan seemed to brighten my days just a tad, although I had to endure the constant nagging from my father - a feature always accompanied by every one of Aunt Susan's visits. He was unusually pushy regarding my handball practices. I guess he didn't want any more 'bad influences' from my aunt, ergo, the less time I spent with her the better, in his eyes.

It was late when I made it to Tiana's. Practice had lasted longer than usual since Coach Hawkins made us stay and brief us about the upcoming game. I had sat with crossed legs, allowing myself to space out for the extra thirty minutes. I thought of nothing in particular, perhaps maybe the way Belle, our goalkeeper, was wearing an extra tight sports top that day. It looked good on her.

Before I entered the cosy café, I noted that Elsa wasn't in her usual spot which was weird, because she was always there after practice on Thursdays. Coming to think of it, she hadn't been there the day before either when I was heading into to town with my mom to do some grocery shopping.

Tiana stood by the front desk, her forehead gleaming with a thin layer of sweat, probably from the heat of the stove behind her which was currently frying the best pancakes in the world. Just the smell of those wonderful chocolate chip godlike flapjacks had my stomach growl. I barely made it to my seat before Tiana put a plate in front of me.

"I can see you're in a bad mood, and you get even grumpier on an empty stomach. Eat up girl."

She didn't grant me another word until I took the last calorie packed bite. By that time, she had caught up with all her orders, and now settled in front of me, popped up on her elbows and resting her chin in her palms.

"How are you Cupcake?" Tiana asked, brushing my bangs back to get a clearer look on my face.

"I'm good," I answered. Tiana sighed.

"Whatever you say Darling," she grabbed a cloth and started wiping off the counter. Tiana rolled her eyes. She hated when I did this. But I had no intentions of boring her we my sad-day-sob-story.

"Thanks for the pancakes," I said, trying to express some sort of gratefulness onto my face.

"I hope you enjoyed them because Naveen will be making them for the rest of the week. I'm going on a food-convention outside of Arendelle, so you'll just have to settle with the second best," Tiana smirked mischievously as a groan sounded from the kitchen, followed by an "I heard that!"

"A food-convention huh?" I asked dumbly.

"Yeah, I'm real excited. This could be the first step towards opening up my own shop!" She said happily.

Of course it could be. Because Tiana always had a plan, unlike me. And this was just perfect. Don't get me wrong, I was happy for her, but I hate to admit that I was jealous. Not because of the food-convention – that thing would probably be wasted on me unless I was allowed to eat everything – but because yet again it seemed as if everyone had a plan.

* * *

I was in a particularly foul mood as I left Tiana's Café. For no apparent reason really. I just didn't feel… nope, that's it. I just didn't feel. After two cups of tea – because coffee would keep me awake, and I would hate not to be able to escape reality – and a piece of cherry pie, I was about ready to leave. I'd been sitting there for hours, crunched over my notebook.

Aunt Susan had spiked up just the tiniest bit of motivation to at least _try_ getting back in the game. I wanted to be happy, to feel again, but I just didn't know what would do the trick. I was willing to try anything. But as I sat there, I discovered it was impossible for me to convert thoughts into words in a meaningful chain of sentences. My failure simply amplified my misery. Maybe that's what put me in such a foul mood.

Anyhow, my miserable state of mind was probably the reason I nearly overlooked the platinum blonde girl, without realizing she was sitting alone out in the middle of this freezing weather. The night had in capsuled the city with its thick darkness, and it was below freezing by now.

I noted that I'd never seen Elsa sit out on her corner this late. I guess that's what made me walk over to her. As I approached her, I saw her pale face. It was as beautiful as always, but paler than usual. The dim streetlight lit up the sidewalk just enough for me to notice her blue lips. Her eyes were closed, and hands wrapped loosely around herself. The grey cloak hung over her shoulders, and her knees were pulled up to her chest.

"Hey," I mumbled, shaking her shoulder gently. Her hooded eyes vaguely looked at me, and that's when the teeth clattering began. Hesitantly I stoked my thumb over her cheek. It was ice cold. Which was scary, because my hands were already really cold, but her cheek felt freezing to my touch. Her lids slid shut, and her head bopped forward, dangling lifeless from her body.

"Oh shit," I stated when Elsa tipped over, and into my arms. "Fucking hell," I cursed.

I looked around to see if there was anyone around, but I was all alone. Snow started drizzling from the sky, and I realized I'd have to help this girl, or she would probably freeze to death.

If I may be honest. Helping a homeless girl from freezing to death that night wasn't exactly on my list of thing I _wanted_ to do. On the other hand, I couldn't just leave her to die. I know, I know, not a very nice way of thinking, but if I'd known Elsa the way that I know her now, I wouldn't have hesitated for a split second.

It was difficult to tell how long she had been sitting there, but she barely seemed to be awake. When I pulled one of her arms over my shoulders, the girl suddenly became more aware of what was going on. She could stand, but only if I helped sustain her body weight. Tiny cries of pain escaped from her lips, but she was barely conscious I could tell.

"Hey, stay awake for me, please, just stay awake, you'll be okay," I comforted with the best of my abilities.

I managed to drag her to my car, needless to say, it was challenging with the slippery ice combined with my lack of coordination skills and bad luck. But we managed, and I didn't hesitate in ripping open the door and carry her into the passenger seat.

Immediately I ran to the other side of the car – I might have slipped, landing on my knee, but not the point – and plucked the keys in so I could get this baby warmed up. Elsa sat, shivering uncontrollably in the seat next to me. Reaching over, I grabbed the seatbelt and secured her before driving off. I tried not to break the speed limit, I really did, also since it would be risky with these icy roads, but Elsa's lack of life signs had me worried.

"Please don't fall asleep, we're almost there. You'll stay with me tonight, just please stay awake," I kept saying, trying to get her attention. Perhaps she could focus on my voice.

Honestly, I didn't know what went through my mind at that point, but I just kept pleading her to stay awake. Then I grabbed her hand, and held it in mine, trying to heat it up. I massaged it gently, figuring I'd try to get her blood circulation going.

A deep heartfelt sigh left my throat when I pulled in outside my house. The adrenaline in my body almost had me pull Elsa over the driver's seat and into my arms, but I knew she would probably get stuck halfway through, and I couldn't waste such precious time. Therefore, I sprinted around the car.

"Elsa, listen to my voice. Stay awake, you're safe, I'll take care of you," my voice was shaky by now, and I couldn't help it.

I caught a faint slur of pale blue eyes, spiking the hope that Elsa was somewhat aware of what was happening. Her feet nearly dragged across the icy pavement, and I used all my force to get her up the few stairs to the front door.

My parents would never allow Elsa into our house if they knew she was homeless. I didn't want to bring them into this. They would interrogate me, and then Elsa would not get warm enough in time. They wouldn't understand. They never understood. They didn't need to be dragged into this. I could do this. Right?

We nearly tumbled inside, making the door slam hard against the wall, and causing my parents to turn their heads from the TV. My mother's mouth immediately hung open, but I stopped her before she got a chance to say anything. She was halfway out of her chair when I pulled Elsa over my shoulder, and closed the door with my foot.

"No, no! Don't get up, everything's under control," I stated casually, my mother still unsure whether she should rush to aid, "this is my old friend Joan, she's had a bit too much, that girl sure knows how to party," I continued.

Luckily, swinging Elsa over my shoulder resulted in her face being hidden behind my back. My mom was very familiar with my old high school friend Joan Knight, and the trouble she came with. I saw the tired look on my mother's face, and thanked the lord when she sat back down again, "I'll just take her to my room. Goodnight!"

And with that I climbed the flight of stairs like an axe murderer was chasing me. Hopefully my mother hadn't gotten a look at Elsa's face, and either way, she probably wouldn't recognize her from the corner by Tiana's. She wasn't observant like that. But she meant well. I didn't have time to check whether my Aunt Susan was home, knowing Elsa needed warmth, like, at that very instance.

I laid her on my bed, her teeth were clattering and her lips had turned a darker shade of blue. I started out by giving her some hot water, hoping she would warm up from the inside, but it didn't seem to bring her core temperature up. Her eyes nearly fell completely shut. No matter what I seemed to do, she wouldn't warm up.

_Think Anna! Think!_

I rubbed my hands together to heat up my palms. My hands had gotten cold from not wearing gloves. I stood for a second, just looking at my palms. That was it.

_Body heat._

Faster than humanly possible, I threw off my jacket and shirt, as if a wasp had crawled its way inside of it. Quickly I stripped myself down to my underwear, and did the same with Elsa. She didn't seem to protest, and admittedly, I felt like a creep doing so. But if it would help, I was pretty much ready to do anything. I slid under the covers of my bed, pulling Elsa with me. Despite her freezing skin, she felt so soft against me. The cold made me shiver. Goosebumps settled upon my skin, she was like ice against me. My teeth started clattering.

I placed myself slightly on top of her, and wrapped my arms around her, clutching onto her, like I was holding onto to her with my kinda-dear life. Her breath tickled my neck, but slowly, I felt her wrapping herself around me too. I wasn't sure if it was a conscious move or pure instinct, but she did. She was still shivering like a damn Nokia on vibrate, and her breaths were uneven and too deep. My cheek rested on her cold forehead.

"Stay awake for me, please," I said, and her breath shuttered.

My breathing was uneven as well, my body also reacting to the coldness of the person underneath me. I pulled the comforter closer to us, practically pinning her against the madras, making sure every part of our bodies were touching. Her stomach was against mine. Our breasts touched. Our legs intermingled. I readjusted, seeing if I could pull us even closer.

Her body was flush up against mine now, and I felt her breast press onto my stomach. I couldn't deny it felt good, but on the other hand, I didn't want to be one of those pervy people cupping a feel without consent.

Meanwhile I was just focusing on passing as much body heat to her as I possibly could, like a radiator giving it's all during the cold winter months. Her muscles were still contracting to make that friction of heat and restore wamrth in her system. I clutched tighter onto her, if that was even possible at the time.

I was only vaguely aware that I had an absolutely stunning half-naked woman beneath me, while I myself was merely in panties and bra. The thought of kissing her might have arisen, but only to see if it would trigger anything. If it would evoke anything inside of me. But I decided against it, it didn't feel right.

"Elsa, can you hear me?"

My voice was shaky, and I was still shivering.

"You're gonna be fine, you hear me? I'm here," a tear escaped from the corner of my eye. It came completely unannounced, but luckily wasn't followed by any of its friends.

"I got you," my voice only a whisper now, "I got you."

Her ragged breathing caught a rhythm now, and it eased me to hear her body was regaining some sort of control. I still wanted to kiss life back into those blue lips of hers. I felt her chest rise under my breasts. Her stomach filled with air, and she tried wiggling her toes.

"A-Anna…" she mumbled, and damn could I have broken down in tears of joy just by hearing that rusty voice.

"I've got you, I won't let go, I'm right here," I soothed, and her face nuzzled closer into my neck as I felt her body relax a tad more, before she drifted off into sleep.

I refused to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I felt the urge to open them again just to check if Elsa was still breathing. After two exhausting hours, I shifted my weight, and pulled Elsa on top of me. My elbows were sore from keeping myself up, making sure not to crush the girl beneath me.

Now that Elsa was on top, I didn't mind her weight on me. She wasn't heavy, and I for one, didn't have trouble breathing. She was sleeping peacefully on my chest, and the blood had slowly made its way back to her face. The sight of her rosy cheeks had my stomach do a flip. I wondered what that feeling was, you know, the feeling when your stomach does a flip. Usually it comes when you have a near-fall-hanging-in-the-air experience. Like when you dream that you are falling, and you wake up with that feeling of someone pulling the bed from underneath you. It was that kind of flip my stomach did, but it didn't feel quite the same.

"You're okay… you're safe," I assured the sleeping girl resting on me, even though I spoke for deaf ears.

Elsa's face looked so relaxed, and I found myself trace a finger over her forehead, and down over her nose until reaching her chin. Then I tangled one hand in her hair, and pulled her head closer to my chest, before closing my eyes. It must have been around five in the morning when my mind and body finally gave in, and let me drift into unconsciousness.

* * *

**A/N:** I just want to thank you for all of the reviews. And a special shout out to you Anons out there, you guys rock, and since I can't thank you personally, I'll just do it here.

Also, I'd like to say that I'm trying my hardest not to make this one of those stories, you know, "she was depressed, but then a pretty girl liked her and now she's completely fine and screw that existential crisis." It's not my intention to disrespect the condition. Yet, this _is_ a love story too, so expect cheesiness and love stuff (I kinda like cheesy stuff… lol).

Stay excellent.


	5. Match Girl

**Chapter 5 – Match Girl**

**A/N:** I forgot to do this. Disclaimer: I do not own Disney.

* * *

Elsa was the most gorgeous human being on the planet.

There wasn't more to it than that. I hadn't really realized how absolutely breath-taking she was until that morning where I woke up with her head resting on my chest, and my arms wrapped around her.

I might have laid and stared at her for a little while. Her lips were a full pink color again, and that god-awful shade of blue had vanished. The girl on top of me was breathing so lightly, so calm and peacefully, and I hadn't felt this relaxed in a long long time.

Her eyelashes were long and beautiful and perfect. Her face was like the Mona Lisa of faces, and her body just as astonishing.

Elsa was thin, but not famished. Sure, she could use a bit more meat to the bones, but nothing a couple dozens of Tiana's pancakes couldn't handle.

Her breathing was so steady, and I spend a minute just focusing on it as she breathed in and out, and in and out. I tried synchronizing our breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. It was lovely just being there with her. Her inhales and exhales had become a sudden source of reassurance. I could count on it. That no matter what my mind would wander off doing, Elsa's breathing was still there. It was almost consoling. Almost alleviating.

I felt every exhale from her nose as a tickling puff of air onto my bare skin. My eyes had shot a quick glance towards my alarm clock on my nightstand. It read 08:16. I was going to be late for practice, but honestly I didn't care. In fact, I was shocked my mother hadn't stormed through my door yet and ripped off my comforter.

I'd been awake for twenty minutes or so, not having the heart to wake up Elsa. She needed sleep, so that she hopefully wouldn't become sick after yesterday's extravagant exposure to mother nature. The cold had nearly killed her, and my stomach tightened just thinking about it.

What if I hadn't found her? Would it have ended up like that down-right heartbreaking tale by that H.C. Andersen? I vaguely remembered my mother reading me _The Little Match Girl_, and I had cried my eyes out for days after.

It really had me wondering why my mother hadn't barged in yet, but I was too captivated by the beauty pressed against my body. I couldn't help but play with a strand of her hair. Another thirty minutes or so went by before she stirred slightly.

Elsa let out a tiny whimper, and I could only imagine the stiffness and aching she must have felt. I laid very still, wishing and praying she wouldn't think I was some sort of pervert and slap me across the face.

Slowly, oh so slowly, her icy blue eyes appeared from under her lids. She blinked the sleepiness out of her eyes, before her blue orbs met my teal ones. The expression on her face was absolutely incomprehensible. I'd never seen so many emotions fly across a person's face in such a short amount of time.

"Hey," I said casually. It couldn't get more awkward than this anyway.

"H-hi," she stuttered, and her cheeks started blooming red.

"It's good to see some color on that face of yours… you scared the crap out of me," my voice was small.

It was as if Elsa suddenly realized we were half-naked in my bed, and on top of each other. She stared at me with panic, and started pushing herself up from the bed.

She groaned lightly, as she clumsily got on all four. I guessed her joins were still stiff and hurting. Elsa didn't seem to be able to find her balance, and ended up sliding a knee in between my legs, and a hand on each side of my body. Her breasts were squeezed together, and I tried my best not to stare at her exposed cleavage. I gulped once. Finally, Elsa untangled herself complete and placed herself on the edge of the bed with her face in her hands.

"How are you feeling?" I asked, sitting upright, carefully swinging my feet over the edge of the bed as well. There we both sat, in our underwear, on an early Friday October morning.

"Better... thanks to you," her voice was shaky, but she turned her head to look at me.

I looked at her bare body, how fragile and small she appeared. I grabbed the comforter and wrapped it over her shoulders. She looked at me with a grateful expression, but also in disbelief. As if this wasn't real to her, that no one had ever been this nice to her.

"Don't mention it…" I mumbled. For some reason I wanted to reach over and rub her back, I don't know, she just seemed like she needed it. "How much do you remember?"

Her gaze fell to the floor, she was thinking back. I could see she was trying her hardest to recall last nights' events. Her brows were knitted together, making a tiny worried wrinkle appear between her eyebrows.

"Not much… I remember you getting me into your car… everything else seems rather… blurry. W-what happened?"

When our eyes met, I noticed the pool of tears gathered up in her eyes, almost spilling over, but not quite. Maybe I could take her hand? You know, in a sort of comforting way. Or maybe not. I probably shouldn't.

"I found you at the corner, all shaky and blue. So I brought you here. I didn't know how to get your body temperature up, so I kinda, um, used my body to… warm you."

She stared at me, blinking once, and a tear escaped.

"I-I didn't, you know, _do _anything. I mean, you have a very nice body, b-but I would never take advantage of you or anything…" Why was I stuttering? Maybe awkwardness was just something I was born with, and genetically couldn't escape from. I groaned loudly. "I'll just shut up now."

Elsa sniffled once, before scooting closer to me, and hooking an arm through mine. She rested her head on my shoulder. Her scent was invading my nose. She smelled heavenly. Not that I hadn't noticed that throughout the night. There was a mint-like aroma to her hair. It felt crisp to my nostrils.

"Thank you Anna… I don't know what would've happened if you hadn't found me…"

"Like you said… it's no trouble, really," I said trying to mimic her voice from the first day we had met. That made Elsa smile, despite the glistering tears staining her cheeks. It was weird actually. Here we were, two complete strangers, comforting one another. It was kind of beautiful really, maybe overlooking the part that we were merely sitting in our underwear. Nevertheless, if you asked me, that actually just made it even more beautiful, but that was mostly because Elsa was simply stunning.

"What were you doing out alone so late?"

The question hung in the air for some time. I was afraid she wasn't going to answer. After all, it wasn't any of my business. And yet again, I had just saved her life, so I decided she at least owed me that much.

"I… I was waiting for someone," she answered sadly, her voice barely a whisper.

The look plastered on her face was filled with worry and hurt again. Who had she been waiting for? It sure had to be someone important if she was willing to sit through was seemed like the freaking ice age.

"Are you… in any kind of trouble?" The will to help suddenly hit me. If I couldn't help myself, god knows maybe I should take myself up on my own advice and help others.

Elsa shook her head, smiling softly.

"No," she said sending me a crooked smile, "no, its nothing like that. I assure you."

"You know," wait, was I really going to say this? "If you need any help… you can just ask. I wouldn't mind." I guess I was. Good for you Anna Lykke. Bravo.

This made Elsa look like her heart nearly melted.

"That's very sweet of you. You've been nothing but sweet really, and I'm forever grateful, but you've already done too much."

I sat for a moment. Was this the part where I should push further upon the matter, or just accept her decline? I went for the latter.

"Alright, just know… yeah."

She seemed to get the message, smiling at me softly again, this time also smiling with her eyes. Soft lips rested upon my cheek for a brief second. It hadn't really occurred to me that she had just kissed me. You won't believe what happened next though.

I smiled.

And Elsa beamed. It wasn't a toothy grin, like a kid who just got the world's largest ice cream in his or her possession. But it was indeed a smile. It felt foreign to my lips, but good. It felt good.

"There it is," she chimed. "Beautiful."

The smile on my lips didn't falter, but definitely turned into something else.

Heavy and clumsy footsteps approached with a sudden haste outside my door. I braced myself, barely doubting who would barge in soon, giving me some sort of reprimand about bringing friends over unannounced. That's why it caught me by surprise when I saw it was my Aunt Susan who smacked the door open. She stared at us for a moment.

"Alright, I've been trying to keep that monster you call a mother out of here all morning, but now she's actually threatening to confiscate my slingshot, so you better get some clothes on girls," the brunette in the doorway insisted with a tired look on her face.

Elsa's face went beat red as she tried covering herself up. I didn't mind, Aunt Susan had seen me like this tons of times. I walked to my closet and pulled out some clothes for Elsa and me. Her eyes widened when I threw a pair of jeans at her, again filled with disbelief.

"Here, these should fit you," I mumbled.

"No Anna, I-I can't take your clothes, it wouldn't-"

"Please, I insist. If you don't want to keep them, you can always give them back to me later." That made her feel a tiny bit better, and she quickly started to dress herself. Meanwhile, I dug deep into my closet to find that old jacket I didn't use anymore. Elsa could have it; the army blue would suit her complexion perfectly. It was large and baggy and would warm her up nicely for sure.

I handed it over to her and she accepted it hesitantly.

"Please keep this one at least," it wasn't really a question, nor an order. But Elsa took it, still exhibiting her worrisome features onto her dandy face.

Aunt Susan crossed her arms over her chest, taking a small step back to glance down the hallway and assure the coast was still clear.

"By the way, Anna, I told your mom that you were sick. Nothing fatal, just fake a tiny cold for me, will ya? And you, Snowflake, you left early this morning because you had ballet lessons, so we'll have to sneak you out the window somehow. Capiche?"

Elsa and I both nodded eagerly. I stepped into my pants, and pulled them over my hips.

"Wait, she actually bought all that crap?"

Aunt Susan glanced over her shoulder once again before making a panicked motion with one hand, indicating for us to hurry up.

"Your mom can be very gullible when she's worried," she said and stepped closer to Elsa to pull my coat, well _her_ coat now, tighter around her torso.

"Alright, I'll take Snowflake to my room so she can climb down the over the shed. Anna, you go distract your mom, remember to be sick, and make it sound convincing. Then you and I'll have a talk Missy," she raised a finger towards me as she dragged Elsa out of the room. Elsa managed a tiny wave as my Aunt dragged her down the hall.

I walked to the kitchen, having pulled an oversized sweater over my head, accompanied by some sweatpants. Clearly my mom was frustrated, the way she paced around the kitchen, making lemon tea and kitchen soup.

"Hey mom," I mumbled as I leaned against the doorframe.

I knew Aunt Susan wanted me to act sick, but usually when I was sick, I hated people making a fuss about, ergo, I would do my best to pretend I was fine. It would probably evoke some suspicion if I were to overdo it.

My mother pretty much dropped everything in her hands and stormed towards me.

"Oh, Sweetie are you feeling okay? Did you take your temperature? Are you feeling dizzy?" Her hands were on my cheeks, and one flew to my forehead and brushed away my bangs to feel my temperature.

This was exactly why I hated being sick.

"Stop it mom, I'm fine," I shrugged her hands off of me.

"You always say that, please just let me take care of you for once," she insisted.

I sighed. Then I looked at my mom, and there was something in her face. Something I hadn't actually seen in a while. Not like this anyway. It was hurt.

"I really wish you would stop doing that around me…" she said. Perhaps I hadn't realized how many times I sighed at my mother on a daily basis. Or maybe I had, but just hadn't thought it affected her that much. But apparently it did. It did affect her.

"I'm sorry," I muttered. But I didn't mean it. I wish I did, but as always, it was hard for me to say things I didn't actually feel. "I'll drink some tea if it makes you feel better."

Thankfully, that made my mother smile. If all I needed to do to make her smile was to take better care of myself, then I guess I could live with that sacrifice.

I watched as my mother prepared a cup of tea for me, when Aunt Susan appeared around the corner, giving me a discreet thumbs up when my mother wasn't looking.

"Gee Anna-bear, you're looking a little pale, maybe you should go back to bed," my Aunt quirked an eyebrow, shooting me one of her 'we need to talk' looks. My mother of course took Aunt Susan's side (a rare occurrence really), and I headed for my room, dreading what to come.

I'd just snuggled under the covers when Aunt Susan walked in, carrying two steamy cups of tea, and closing the door behind her with her foot. The older woman placed herself by the edge of my bed, which was peculiar, because normally she would have thrown herself under the covers along with me.

We both took a sip of our tea. It was rare that an awkward silence fell between the two of us. Then Aunt Susan cleared her throat, and I shifted my attention to her piercing green eyes.

"You know, when I asked about boy trouble, I didn't mean you couldn't come to me with girl trouble either," she stated.

I said nothing. I just stared at her. And she stared right back at me.

"Wait what?" I uttered after a few confused seconds.

Aunt Susan just gave me a tired stare, and sighed loudly.

"You. And that girl." It was like she was stating the obvious. As if it was as clear as the day was long.

"That's not what that was," I said, somewhat defensively.

"Then what was it?"

The older woman on my bed raised an eyebrow, wearing an expectant look. It wasn't a teasing sisterly gaze, but more like a… friendly one. Though her eyes said, 'this better be good.'

"Elsa's homeless. I found her last night almost freezing to death. I brought her here. End of story."

"Anna, its okay. I'm not judging, if you're gay, then you're gay."

This woman just wouldn't give up.

"But I'm not."

"I saw you two. Sure as hell looked gay to me," Aunt Susan eyed me over her cup as she took a gulp of tea, "but hey, that's fine. I just didn't think your mom would take it as well, so I guarded the door."

"We didn't sleep together," my voice was expressionless, as I simply tried to get my point across.

"That's not what I meant. I meant after. When I walked in while you were talking. Jesus, everyone cuddles. But the look she gave you. And the look you gave her."

"I'm not gay. Its nothing like that. I barely know her."

Her gaze grew serious at once, well, as serious as Aunt Susan now could be.

"Seriously Anna don't try and sell that bullshit to me. I haven't seen you crack a smile since I got here, and as soon as I catch you with some girl in your bed, you suddenly have teeth again. I actually saw that light in your eyes that I've missed."

I'm not sure if I was angry or happy. Honestly, neither, as usual, but something was definitely stirring. Because this was different. Admittedly, I'd never given the possibility of liking another girl a thought.

Aunt Susan rose from her seat.

"All I'm saying is, if someone can make you smile like that… you better hold 'em tight, and sure as hell not let go. Those are my words of wisdom to you."

She finished her tea, and left the room, leaving me speechless on the bed.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you for all the reviews and follows, you guys rock.

News update, I will not – I repeat – I will not have internet for a whole week next week! Sadly, I probably can't finish an entire chapter before the end of this week. I'll update as soon as I can.

Stay excellent!


	6. Pancake Disputes

**Chapter 6 – Pancakes Disputes**

Like I didn't already have enough to think about. Like I didn't have thoughts roaming inside of my head every second of the day. To think that Aunt Susan actually had thrown the gay-card at me. Unbelievable. Not that she was wrong. That was the problem. She was awfully right as usual. Damn to woman.

But I'd listened to what she had been saying, and her advice hadn't been told to deaf ears (perhaps stubborn ears, but that's beside the point). I mean, if she was right, who was I to play god? Perhaps it was a sign from the universe that I had found Elsa that night. Or maybe she had found me, I wasn't entirely sure. But who was I to deny myself an opportunity like this? What if Elsa was the key to unlock my cold numb heart? I mean, it wasn't much of a life if what you were looking forward to the most during the day was to go back to bed.

That was why the next day I found myself standing before the older girl. She was sitting on her usual corner, cutting what looked to be ice-hearts. At first, she didn't see me, too focused on getting the edge of her ice-heart just perfect. It wasn't until I started mumbling like an idiot she looked up, and immediately a smile spread across her face. Honestly, the smile she send me was so warm it could have melted the ice in front of her.

"I…um…" obviously, I hadn't thought through what I wanted to say to her. The blonde gave me a chance though, letting a couple of seconds pass to see if I would find the words. I didn't.

"You 'um' what?" Elsa smiled.

I wasn't nervous. Not really. But it was no secret my brain had shut off, for reasons that remained unexplained yet to this point.

"I want to…. Buy you pancakes…"

As I thought her smile couldn't become more genuine, more real, I stood and watched as the most perfect lips on earth spread into an even wider grin.

"Oh Anna, that's sweet. But I can't really leave this," she gestured to her tiny booth and her ice-hearts.

She was wearing the jacket I'd given her. I was right. It really did suit her.

If I could feel disappointment, that's probably what I would have felt in that moment. Luckily, some things never changed, and my stubbornness hadn't left me. I couldn't tell if it was a positive trait to have. It definitely caused some troubles once in a while. It was a trait I'd inherited from Aunt Susan, no doubt.

"You don't have to, really. I can just go buy them, and feed you while you work. I've got good aim," …wow, did I really just make a joke?

Elsa giggled.

"I would love to, really, Anna I would… but I can't let you pay for me…" her smiled faded a tiny bit as she brushed her hair behind her ear. She was biting down on her lower lip, maybe a tiny bit embarrassed.

"So let me get this straight. You can give me your ice sculptures for free, or 'on the house', but I can't buy you pancakes? If you think about it, I actually owe you two rounds of pancakes to even out the ice sculptures," I hadn't realized I'd taken a few steps forward, and there was merely a few feet between Elsa and I.

The blonde let out a tiny laugh, shaking her shoulders just the tiniest. Then she looked at me, her eyes smiling just as bright as her lips.

"You make a valid argument," she stated, putting down her tools and rubbing some heat into her hands.

"So I've been told," I shrugged, almost playfully.

"Fine Anna, I'll let you buy me pancakes."

Damn if not a smile-like-thing plastered itself upon my lips. I watched as she got up and pulled a large plastic cover over her booth, protecting the ice from the sun. Then we walked to Tiana's in silence. I held the door for her, and she hesitantly stepped inside, but not before sending me a worried look.

Tiana's Café wasn't a fancy place, and with Elsa wearing my old jacket you would barely think anything of it. Perhaps her boots gave her away, I'd never seen anything so worn down. I made a mental note to roam through my closet for an extra pair I had lying around.

We placed ourselves at one of the tables in the corner. Elsa was as beautiful as ever, but she seemed bothered by the fact that her hands were a tiny bit dirty, and her shoes weren't clean. I couldn't help but notice her nervously observing the other customers in the café, noting whether they were looking or not. They weren't.

Naveen came and took out orders, and we had to settle for the world's second best pancakes. We both ordered the banana pancakes with walnuts and caramel sauce.

I didn't say much. I was too busy trying to figure out what these weird _things_ happening inside of me whenever I looked at Elsa were. They were too indefinite to be defined as feelings, so I thought for now they could be classified as _things_.

It would be an understatement to say that it became a little awkward. Apparently, I'd just been sitting looking at her, a little hunched over. An instinct wanted me to place a hand on my heart, just to feel it, because it was doing funny things. Though, my common sense instructed me not to do so, since it would perhaps only magnify the awkwardness level if I was kind of half grabbing my boob at that moment.

Naveen came with our drinks – triple chocolate milkshakes (or as I liked to call it: diabetes in liquid state). We both silently sipped our drinks until Elsa broke the silence.

"Anna, I really can't thank you enough for what you did… I don't know how to express my gratitude," Elsa voice was soft and she looked at me with humble eyes.

"It really was no trouble. I'm just glad you're alright," I stirred my chocolate milkshake, "but maybe you could repay me by letting me buy you pancakes once in a while?"

I knew it was a long shot, and it probably sounded cheesy as hell. But there was something here, something I couldn't make sense of. I needed to spend more time with Elsa to figure out these _things_.

Elsa giggled, revealing that gorgeous set of teeth of hers.

"If that makes you happy, I'm sure I could live with that burden," Elsa took another sip, her slender pale fingers tapping lightly on the straw. She leaned back into the chair, and eyed me carefully. I wish I knew what she was seeing.

"Your aunt seems like a nice person… very… sprightly," the older girl smiled. Surely, Aunt Susan had not held back on… well, being Aunt Susan.

"Yeah, I guess she's alright if you like the energetic and straightforward type… she's probably my favorite person in the world," I admitted.

"You're lucky to have her; she cares a lot about you, you can tell. But for her information, I'm a C-cup," Elsa flashed a wide grin when she saw my face drop.

I squeezed the bridge of my nose between two fingers, and I closed my eyes. _Pause for dramatic effect, and…_

"Please don't tell me she tried to guess your bra-size…" I mumbled, trying to act embarrassed even though I really wasn't. But hearing Elsa's laughter was worth it. She was honestly worth pretending for, even though I felt so fake doing so.

"My sincerest apologies on behalf of my aunt. She doesn't get out much," I said. Jokingly. I was almost proud of myself. I earned another laugh from Elsa, and I tried to smile along.

I watched as our local butcher, Mr. Oaken, entered to order his afternoon coffee. He gave me a nod, and I politely returned it, causing Elsa to look over her shoulder. She observed as the rather large man grabbed his coffee and exited the café.

"So, Anna Lykke, tell me about yourself. Do you make a habit of taking in freezing girls on the street in the middle of the night?" She quirked an eyebrow playfully.

"Only on Thursdays," I said quickly, and Elsa laughed. I didn't laugh myself, but I enjoyed listening to her laugh. "And what do you want to know?" I asked.

I wasn't going to give her my sob story just like that. She would have to be more specific.

"I don't know, what do you do?"

Our food arrived, and Elsa's eyes lit up. I wondered how long it had been since she'd had a meal like this. I let her sink her teeth into one of the fluffy flapjacks before I responded. Meanwhile, I was weighing my options. I could tell her the truth and present myself as the massive loser I now was, or I could lie, and perhaps save a tiny bit of dignity. I decided to be honest.

"I'm a college dropout. Current occupation would be handball and Netflix," there wasn't much more to it than that. This was pretty much me summed up for Elsa to see.

I didn't deem it fitting to ask Elsa about her current occupation. For some reason, I felt like it was a topic that should be avoided. I was curious, who wouldn't be? But the subject seemed sensitive, and I wasn't about to push it on our first… meeting.

"Why'd you drop out?" Elsa asked, chewing a bite delicately before washing it down with a slurp of chocolate milkshake. It was nice to see the girl could eat. I almost had to fight the urge to push my plate towards her so she could finish mine as well.

I liked how blunt Elsa was. It made me think whether she would mind if I asked her a few things about her situation. She wasn't hiding her sudden interest to why I had dropped out.

"Big shoes to fill…" was my only answer.

I realized how ungrateful I sounded. Elsa probably couldn't afford a college education, and here I was, throwing it all away because I couldn't get my head straight.

And Elsa just seemed to understand. But she wanted to know more. What was my major? Which classes had I enjoyed? She was trying to figure me out, and here I was, a closed book. Hiding behind my cover page. So I told her I'd buckled over from the pressure, and spend most of my time practicing handball.

Elsa's eyes lit up with curiosity, her whole face was shining with it. What she found so interesting about me, I wouldn't know. I was a simple pale freckled red-haired girl with existential issues, having pancakes with a homeless beauty who I'd grinded my body up against to save from hypothermia.

"I majored in chemical engineering…" I explained, looking at my half-empty shake, "…with a minor in, um, creative writing."

Elsa's face was so charismatic. She was so good at expressing emotion, but at the same time, she was so difficult to read.

"Wow, that's a stretch. Practically opposites. I bet you only like one of them, am I right?"

"What makes you say that?" I challenged.

Was I really this predictable? Was I just another cliché, exhibiting the classic complications of parental expectations clashing with my own dreams and ambitions? Elsa shrugged, accepting the challenge. She was intelligent. Perhaps not in the academic way, I wouldn't know about that yet, but she definitely had some sort of social wisdom.

"You don't strike me like the engineering type. I was sure from the first moment I saw you, you were an artist or a writer, maybe a musician," the older girl stated surely. "So you're a writer?"

"No. I'm not a writer," I said, looking out the window. A pen and a piece of paper didn't make you a writer, just like a camera didn't make you a photographer.

The café became more and more deserted. It felt like Elsa and I were the only two people in the world at the moment.

I loved listening to her voice, loved looking at her beautiful posture. I wasn't sure why this entire conversation was centered around me, no offense, it should have been centered around Elsa. Perhaps it was because I didn't ask her any question, though it didn't seem like Elsa struggled with keeping the conversation going.

Admittedly, I was curious about her past, and her present state of living. But jumping into it with both feet seemed a bit insensitive. At least I could let the girl interrogate me before I could permit myself to ask questions.

"But you write?" She asked, but it was only a half question. It could somewhat be taken as a statement.

"I wrote," I corrected, now tapping my fingers on the table. Why couldn't I meet her eyes? I could look into those deep beautiful glacier blue orbs all day if she would let me, but right now, nothing she would say could make me meet her eyes.

"So, you stopped. Why?"

The blonde really wasn't holding back on the questions. Did I really seem that approachable? Perhaps my façade was better than I thought. I stirred in my seat, adjusting myself unnecessarily.

"Temporary mental blockage. Actually. Permanent, until proven otherwise," I replied, tapping my temple with my finger.

"What did you write about?" Elsa was still hungry with curiosity.

I used to love talking about my writing, but now… now it just reminded me of how lost and incompetent I was. How I would sit in front of the computer with an empty document displayed on the screen, and nothing would come out. That it was completely impossible for me to convert thoughts into words written on a line. It wasn't just a writer's block, those I'd suffered through countless of times. This was different. I couldn't remember the last time I'd written anything. I'd stopped doing school assignments because of that very reason. Not even scientific reports - where no hint of creativity was ever needed to be shown - could I make flow in a sequence of words.

"Everything…," I said sadly.

Writing had used to be my escape. I could write pages and pages about my trip to the grocery store, and still make it sound intriguing. It wasn't an understatement when I had said 'everything'. I would write poems, romances, short stories, fairy tales, reviews, letters – _everything_. My favorite thing for a long time was to describe short moments of my existence. Scenarios that I wouldn't experience again.

"I bet you're an amazing writer…"

I half-laughed at that comment. It seemed like the right thing to do, trying to empathize my disbelief.

"Why do you think that?"

"Because the quietest people often have the loudest minds," Elsa said with such certainty.

Her comment almost made my jaw drop. Elsa's voice didn't miss a beat. That's when I saw something in her. How unique she truly was. Like one of her hand carved snowflakes, with her own personal pattern.

"Stephen Hawking said that," she added.

We didn't discuss the writing matter any further. Elsa decided not to push. She saw my struggle. Silence settled upon us, and I saw my chance.

"What about you Elsa? What's your story?" I knew it was a broad question. But I thought it would make it easier for both Elsa and I. That way she could decide what she wanted me to know, instead of me pushing my way into her past.

Elsa leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table. For the first time in a while, I met her gaze. It was almost impossible not to get lost in her face.

"I'm surprised you didn't ask before. People usually don't burn in with their questions when I first meet them," Elsa smiled again, as if she was impressed by my lack of interest. "They can be rather… insensitive in the way they want to snoop around in my past. Judging because of some bad choices…"

"Your past doesn't define you. Bad choices or not," I stated surely, actually sounding the most sure I had in a long time.

"That may be, but it still happened," Elsa argued.

"But the past doesn't mean anything."

"And why is that?" She asked wondering.

"Because the past is in the past. It should remain there."

She seemed to understand where I was coming from, or maybe she just accepted it. Neither way, she continued hesitantly with her story.

"I was raised in an orphanage further up North. I've been in and out of foster care since I can remember," the girl spoke.

Her voice was strong and confident, like it was no big deal at all. I didn't say anything. We looked at each other again, and Elsa continued. "I ran away when I was seventeen. I stole my files, jumped on the first train that drove by, and didn't look back. I went to Arendelle to look for my parents, and have been here ever since."

Elsa quickly glanced out of the window, as if she was replaying everything all over again in her mind. So many questions went through my mind. Most, I wouldn't dare to ask. So I let Elsa choose what she wanted to tell me.

"One night I was sleeping under the bridge near Arendelle Library, you know the one next to the park. That's where Ofelia found me. She's the person I was waiting for the other night," Elsa explained, and I was surprised how open she was.

"She's practically like an older sister to me. She has… had it rough. We're currently living in one of the abandoned houses by the outskirts of Arendelle. The ones right next to the empty parking lot."

There were still many questions left unanswered, but Elsa seemed to naturally finish the story with her friend and her living arrangements. My curiosity was satisfied for now.

Elsa didn't seem embarrassed or ashamed at all. I liked that about her. She had nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes bad things just happen to good people, and there's nothing you can do about it. Again another contribution to my hypothesis that the world was a horrible place.

I went to the bathroom, and decided to pay on my way back to the table. I didn't want to risk the awkwardness of the waiter coming down to collect the money. Elsa already wasn't too happy that I was paying for her. When I returned, Elsa got up as I approached the table.

"I'm sorry, I gotta run," she said. "I… would love to do this again," Elsa said, a faint blush dusting over her cheeks. Then she reached over and kissed me on the cheek before giving me a tiny wave goodbye. The bell on the door rang as she exited, and I watched as she passed the window until she disappeared behind the corner.

My hand was rubbing the spot Elsa's lips had grazed my skin. It was tingling under my fingertips. What the hell was wrong with me? I couldn't recall ever having such sensation lingering on my skin. Perhaps only that one night Elsa spend the night….

Soon I noticed a tiny note left on the table next to my empty milkshake. It was written on a napkin, and spoke: "_Meet me tomorrow at the bottom of Corona Hill at four._"

Elsa was gone, and so was her booth as I exited Tiana's. I clutched the napkin close to my heart as I walked to my car.

* * *

**A/N:** I don't know if that's how the American college system works with minors and majors so just bear with me… And yes, I gender-bended Olaf.

Quote by Stephen Hawking, "the quietest people have the loudest minds."


	7. Slippery Slopes

**Chapter 7 – Slippery Slopes**

"Where were you the other night?" My mother asked.

Luckily, the question wasn't directed at me, but rather at my Aunt Susan. After all, I couldn't recall a night where I'd been home later than nine.

Aunt Susan shoved a spoonful of cornflakes into her mouth, and I took a sip of my tea while observing the two sisters in front of me. My mother shuffled around the kitchen, pouring me a glass of orange juice, for then to walk over and put a hand on my forehead to check my temperature.

"Nowhere, just strolling around town as usual," Aunt Susan said nonchalant. "Trying to get inspiration for my next piece," she added.

My mother seemed to accept her answer, but was definitely not supportive of Aunt Susan's casual life style. My mother was the type of person who needed to organize and plan everything, no room for spontaneous events. She was the type of person who _liked_ rules and liked having guidelines to follow, instead of creating her own. The two sisters in front of me couldn't be more different. If it wasn't for their freakishly similar appearances, you would have never guessed they were related.

Aunt Susan popped a foot up on the chair next to her, and my mother shot her a look, which my aunt of course ignored.

"What are you up to today Anna-bear?"

I wasn't going to say that I was meeting Elsa, at least not in front of my mother. So I went with a white lie. White lies are acceptable, as long as they are only white lies.

"I'm driving over to see Sven around four today, he asked if I could help him write a letter of recommendation." See, that wasn't so bad. White lies couldn't hurt once in a while.

"Really?" My mother suddenly uttered. "You're going to see a friend? Anna that's wonderful!"

Maybe even white lies could raise false hope… but my mother was happy, so I guess it wasn't completely terrible. However, Aunt Susan saw right through me per usual. She just smiled lightly as she put her cup of coffee to her lips. It wouldn't surprise me if she took the hint of rebellion as a good sign.

I finished my breakfast quickly, desperately needing to get away from the two women. Their insane personality contrasts gave me a headache, and sometimes it was hard to be in a room with both of them for too long. Luckily, the phone rang, and my mother reached over to answer it.

Aunt Susan took the opportunity to reach over and swat me on the shoulder while wiggling her eyebrows. Of course she knew I was going to see Elsa later than afternoon. My mother's voice was cheery as she spoke to the person at the other end. After a few minutes, she handed the phone to me.

"Anna it's your brother," she said, not even questioning whether I wanted to answer it or not. With my mother, there was no choice.

I snatched the phone from her grasp, and exited the kitchen. Often times, conversations between my brother and I was best not overheard by any of our parents. I pressed the phone to my ear, and Hans started speaking as soon as he heard me sigh heavily.

"Hey Fucktard." Example one: stupid nicknames. "How are things?" He asked in his usual chipper, but arrogant tone of voice.

My brother was three years older than me. A real star. Like, the golden star of the family. Hans attended college a few hours away, one of the most prestigious schools in the state. He was the quarterback in high school, and had received a football scholarship to the College of the Southern Isles.

Hans was a troublemaker though. I'm not saying I wasn't when I was younger, but Hans took the price. We used to cover for each other, always having each other's backs. Truth was, he could be a real dick sometimes. He was my brother, so I had to love him, I guess. But Hans was genuinely a good guy.

"Things are alright I guess," I mumbled.

"You don't sound alright," he stated, not particularly concerned.

"But I am," I insisted.

"Are you still going through that depressed phase thing?"

Hans was pretty much straight to the point.

"I don't know," I answered him.

I honestly didn't know. Was this even a phase? How dared he to call it a phase? He had no idea what was going on with me. Hans was busy being the star athlete and impress our parents. Living up to society's standards like any other puzzle piece on this planet. I wish more people were like Aunt Susan. She just didn't give a rat's ass.

"Why can't you just stop being sad and get your shit together? Seriously Anna, this is getting kinda old. Honestly, I thought that Dr. Hudson would've fixed you up by now," Hans said in one of those tones that usually would have my blood boiling with anger.

I knew better than anyone that this wasn't something you just 'fixed'. People simply couldn't get it into their thick skulls that that wasn't how things worked. My mother expected me to have showed at least some sort of progress after one or two sessions. Like I was some file that was loading on the computer, describing the onward progress of the upload. It was a sort of pressure I didn't need. The pressure to get better, and do it fast.

"I don't exactly choose to be unhappy Hans. No sane person would choose this for themselves," my voice was stern, though not with much emotion.

"If you say so," he replied, clearly ready to change to topic. Ten bucks he was going to make it about him. "Hey look I need a favor."

I sighed again. Of course he needed a favor.

"What do you need?"

"A hundred bucks."

"No way in hell Hans. You aren't borrowing any more of my money. You still haven't paid me from the last time."

If there was one thing Hans had taught me, it was to say no. I'd gotten pretty good at it.

"Come on, its not like you're using your college fond anyway," he laughed.

Ouch. That one hurt. I knew he wasn't referring to my scholarship, and that it had been paying for everything. He was merely reminding me I was a college dropout, and the new family disappointment. That the money now had even less purpose than before. That even if I hadn't received the handball scholarship, there would be no reason to pay for college because I'd dropped out anyway.

"The answer is no Hans."

No way in hell he was touching my college fond. Those were my money. I'd walked too many dogs, babysat too many annoying brats, delivered too many newspapers, worked too many late nights at my dad's office to come up with that money. And since I unexpectedly received my handball scholarship, I suddenly had money on my hand. And they were to be spend wisely. On what, I didn't know yet.

"Come on, help me out. Look, I'm just in a tiny bit of gambling dept. You can't tell mom and dad," he begged.

"No Hans, you need to figure this out yourself."

He groaned loudly in the other end of the phone. I was sitting on the couch now, fiddling with a loose string on one of my mother's precious designer pillows.

"Whatever Fucktard, I gotta go," my brother said. The call disconnected.

That was usually how our conversations progressed. He would call whenever he needed something, make me feel horrible for saying no, and then forget about his family for another two weeks until he needed something again.

Luckily for me, guilt was not a part of my emotional availability, so Hans' unnecessary guilt trip had no effect. I just wish it wasn't like that with him.

I looked around our house, picked up one of the baby pictures of Hans and I. We were in our swimsuits, Hans on my father's shoulders, and me in my mother's embrace. I looked around the living room, and back at the picture. The photo seemed so foreign to me, as if I had no idea who these people was.

This place, this household, hadn't felt like a family in a long time.

* * *

It was 04:03 pm. I was standing at the bottom of Corona hill, freezing my cute buttocks off. A thick layer of clouds were draped over the city. There was snow on the hill, most of it pressed flat from people climbing the slope.

I checked the time again and looked around for Elsa. Everything was so white. I hugged my arms closely around my body, and walked back and forth, trying to the get blood flowing in my cold feet. The place was deserted. Just the sound of the wind rustling the trees dominated, ruffling some of the snow from the branches, making it land with a small _thud_ on the ground.

At once, I felt a tap on my shoulder. When I turned around, I saw Elsa. She was smiling at me. As always. She was wearing a thick scarf and the jacket I gave her. Her pale skin made her resemble an angel as she stood in the snowy landscape.

"I'm glad you came," Elsa said. "Honestly, I wasn't sure you would show up. I'm sorry I'm late."

Wasn't sure whether I would show up? The thought almost made me snort. I was positive it would have been the other way around. That Elsa had realized how sad and boring I was, and settled upon the fact that this wasn't an optimal idea. Because maybe she was soon to realize that I wouldn't be able to contribute much to this relationship.

"Of course I came, why wouldn't I?" I asked in disbelief that the thought had even crossed her mind.

She hesitated, looking at me warily, never letting her smile falter.

"No reason," she stated, "maybe you had better things to do."

If by 'better things' she meant watching the same episode of Teen Wolf and arguing with my mother, then yes. I definitely did have better things to do.

"Should we go?" The blonde asked suddenly, pulling me away from my thoughts.

"Where?" I asked dumbly.

"To the top of course," Elsa laughed. Her smiled reached her eyes, and they were shining even brighter than usual. It was truly mesmerizing.

We walked to the top of Corona Hill. Elsa's arm was hooked in mine, and we supported each other while walking over some particularly slippery places.

"Damn ice, always trying to kill you," I mumbled as my shoes lost their grip of the surface and I nearly went tumbling. Elsa giggled. Her laugh was so pure and perfect. Her cheeks were a little red, I wouldn't know if it was from the biting cold, or if she was actually blushing.

"How old are you Anna?" Elsa asked glancing at me with those blue orbs of hers.

"Twenty," I stated flatly, "and you?" I hated that I couldn't sound more excited or interested. But I truly was interested in the mystery that was Elsa…Elsa… what was her last name?

"Turning twenty-two this December," she answered chipper.

Twenty-two. I guess I hadn't been completely off when estimating her age.

"What's your last name if you don't mind me asking," was my following question.

Elsa laughed again, revealing those beautiful white teeth of hers. They were like rows of pearls, lined up in utter perfection.

"I don't mind you asking Anna," the girl laughed, "you can ask me anything." She meant. I could see it in her eyes. "And my last name is Silver."

Elsa Silver. It had a nice ring to it. It was quiet for a moment. The snow wasn't deep, but it was still quite a stretch uphill, and I would be lying if I said my calves wasn't burning at that moment. For a moment I saw an opportunity. Elsa had just told me I could ask her anything, right? Well, one question had been burning in my mind since yesterday.

I looked Elsa deep in the eye, and she was surprised by the seriousness in my gaze.

"Elsa… did you ever find your parents?" I asked.

Blue eyes suddenly didn't want to meet mine anymore. Elsa's eyes dropped, and fell to the ground.

"I did…" she replied quietly.

I looked at her, my eyes evident with surprise. She breathed in deep, releasing a loud exhale. The corner of her lips tugged upwards just the tiniest. It was a sad smile.

"… In the cemetery," Elsa's voice was small, but she was brave enough to continue. "It wasn't in the files I'd stolen from the orphanage. They died later, after they'd given me up for adoption. They, um…," Elsa looked too ashamed to continue, but she still did. "They were both junkies. Died of an overdose when I was seven. I guess they wanted to spare me the life of a dysfunctional family… I'm just not sure if the alternative was better… but I never would have met Ofelia if things hadn't taken its course. For that I'm grateful."

I regretted asking now. But again, I felt like it was important to know. Elsa was a mystery to me, and she was slowly unraveling in front of me. Elsa was so brave. She saw past the darkness, and chose to believe her parents wanted the best for her. That they had tried to provide her with a better life than what they could've given her.

My legs were hurting now.

"So you play handball?" Elsa's voice tore me from the thought of my burning muscles. I nodded. She clearly wanted to break the silence, and change the topic.

"Yeah, I've been playing since I was six…," I stated.

Elsa looked me up and down.

"Yeah, I can see that. You have a nice body Anna. And a beautiful face."

I nearly stopped walking. Elsa, the most gorgeous human being on the planet thought I had a nice body.

"T-thank you," I said, "you, er, you're just gorgeous Elsa. Really," my hand flew back to scratch the back of my head.

She smiled at that. As if she had never had anybody tell her she was gorgeous before. Someone like Elsa needed to be told that every day. I wouldn't mind telling her every day if I was rewarded with such a smile each time.

We made it to the top. The hill provided a good view over the entire city, apart from the low hanging clouds making the outskirts of town appear foggy and distant. I stood and enjoyed the view for a moment, until I noticed Elsa wandering off. I followed her hesitantly.

"Don't you just love the sound?" Elsa asked as she walked. Our feet made that lovely crunchy sound for each footstep in the fresh snow. Then she leaned her head back, and closed her eyes, while stretching her arms out to her sides. As if she was pretending to be a bird.

I nodded, not sure if I'd ever really paid much attention the sound. Elsa took in a deep breath through her nose. She looked so free.

The blonde dropped her arms, and looked at me, smiling broadly. It was a mischievous smirk, as if she was a child getting caught in something she wasn't supposed to be doing.

"Are you ready?" She asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Ready for what?" I asked confused.

Elsa just kept smiling at me and pulled out two large trash bags from under her coat. She handed me one, and I took it doubtingly.

"You've never done this?" Elsa questioned. I shook my head, still standing engrossed in confusion.

The older girl sat down on the ground, on her trash bag, and patted the ground next to her, inviting me to join her. We were sitting rather close, our shoulders brushing against each other.

"Slide Anna," Elsa laughed as she saw my hesitancy.

"Pardon?" My eyes widened.

"Slide. Come on, you can do it," she grinned.

The hill wasn't too steep, but sitting on a damn trash bag made the slope seem like a vertical surface. Though, I couldn't help but admire Elsa. For people who couldn't afford a sledge, this definitely was creative. I liked how she didn't let formalities hold her back.

I exhaled loudly, and pushed off with my feet. Elsa followed suit, and soon we gliding down the hill. The wind was blowing in my hair, and I felt a rush in my stomach. Sure, my butt was a bit cold, and would probably be sore tomorrow from the lack of support of the plastic bag. We were both flying through the air, picking up more speed. Elsa laughed, a bubbly kind of laugh. I was shocked to find myself laughing as well.

We were headed towards the large snowbank at the end of the hill, both with tremendous speed. I barely had time to think before we both crashed into the small mountain of snow.

I landed on top of Elsa, the trash bags long gone, dispersed to a now non-existent land far away. Or maybe just taken by the wind. The older girl was laying underneath me, and I couldn't help but smile a little bit at her. None of us were hurt, and I had to admit, that was the most fun I'd had in ages.

Soon Elsa's laughter died out, and it was like she suddenly realized the position we were laying in. I don't know why I didn't get off of her, honestly I didn't want to, but I should have. The older girls' look was suddenly so serious. It was like she was seeing me for the first time all over again. Those pink soft-looking lips of hers just stared right at me, and I wanted to keep them warm with my own lips pressed down on hers.

My face was hovering over hers, and we locked eyes.

"You can kiss me if you want to," the blonde whispered, and her gaze fell to my lips, and then back to my eyes.

I wanted to kiss her.

Slowly, I leaned down and captured her lips with mine. I was right. Her lips were soft. Probably the softest thing I'd ever witnessed. Elsa's lips danced under mine, and it was just perfect. I slipped a hand up under her head, having her head resting in my palm, so she wouldn't get cold from the snow.

We laid there, kissing. I don't know for how long, but for a long time. It became even better when Elsa slipped her tongue past my lips, and entered my mouth. She even tasted good. She tasted heavenly. Our bodies were pressed together, trapping the heat between us.

When we finally pulled apart, we looked at each other with hooded eyes. I wanted to kiss her again. I wanted to kiss her all the time. She deserved to be kissed all the time. I leaned down to kiss her again, and she kissed me back eagerly. I could kiss her all day, but it was getting dark and cold. Elsa's smiling face would be plastered in the back of my mind for the rest of the day. Hopefully also for the rest of the night.

I came home with a weird feeling. That's right, a _feeling_. It was a good feeling though. Wonderful even. For the first time in forever, I opened the drawer to my desk and found my notebook. It was dusty and the pages were stiff from the lack of use.

I traced a finger over the old coffee stain on the cover - from the time I used to drink coffee; maybe even closer to survived on the muddy drink.

I grabbed my beloved pen, sat down, and started to write. The words were flowing. It was as if I had never stopped.


	8. Crystal Meth

**Chapter 8 – Crystal Meth**

It was no secret I wrote about Elsa. The words seemed to come easy when I thought of her. I wanted to write everything about her. Describe her down to every detail so even the blind would get a clear vision her. Like how her hair would wave in the wind, brushing her bangs back even further. Or how her curvy figure and long slim legs could make any man (or woman) swoon by the sight. I wrote about how her lips had felt on mine. Still, I had to replay the kiss in my head to convince myself it was real. Who knew, it might just have been my mind pulling one on me.

The words were plastered upon the clean piece of paper, like a spray can out of control. Perhaps this chaotic mass of words could be closely resembled to verbal diarrhea, but either way, I continued on about how Elsa's blue eyes reminded me of the same shade of blue as Heisenberg's crystal meth (I said I started writing again, I didn't say it was good. Yet.)

I went to bed that night with a feeling of some sort of accomplishment. I'd produced something today. Perhaps ten written pages about the homeless girl on the corner of the street next to Tiana's couldn't be counted as productive. But for me it was. Because I realized Elsa wasn't just 'the poor girl on the street who made ice roses'. She was so much more. She was everything.

As I was laying on my back, the room now pitch black, I was feeling my lips. They felt different. They had been kissed. It wasn't that I hadn't kissed before, I'd done plenty of kissing. But none of the kisses seemed to linger like Elsa's.

It was a bizarre feeling. I felt strange. Peculiar. But good. Definitely good. Amazing.

I suddenly wasn't so tired anymore. Physically, yes, I was exhausted. My butt was sore and my limbs were aching. But mentally, I felt light. For once, I didn't want to go to sleep because I didn't want this day to end. I was scared that I would wake up the next morning and these feelings would be gone.

But knowing that I would see Elsa again soon, made it easier to drift off.

* * *

"You know," I stated, rolling down the window, "I'm fully capable of driving myself to handball practice."

I looked out the window observing how the town would fly by in a blur. We drove by Tiana's, and I was disappointed to see Elsa wasn't sitting by her corner. It was probably too early.

Aunt Susan laughed as she made a left turn by the intersection. She was awfully chipper despite the fact that it was half past seven in the morning.

"I'm very aware of how capable you are of many things Anna," she chuckled. "You've really grown up," she added glancing at me proudly. I didn't like that look. She had nothing to be proud of honestly. I wasn't something to be proud of.

"Besides, I wanted to spend time with you," Aunt Susan smiled, and patted me on the knee. "How are things with Snowflake-girl?"

"How'd you…?"

"Oh please Anna, did you really expect me to believe you would spend your day helping Sven out with a letter of recommendation? I may be old, but I'm not stupid."

"You're not old…"

"Why thank you," Aunt Susan giggled, but still saying it in the most sarcastic of ways. "You're avoiding my question though. How's Elsa?"

"Elsa's fine, thank you for asking, can we change the topic please?" I asked perhaps a little frustrated that Aunt Susan wouldn't give me a break.

"Alright, suit yourself Feisty-pants, but I'm still here if you want to talk," she smiled at me. That god forsaken awesome smile Aunt Susan always mustered. "I'm happy to see you've lightened up a bit…" she started. "After all your mom has told me, I was scared you'd completely given up. Do you still see Dr. Hudson?"

"Yeah, I still see him…"

"Have you considered meds?"

"Christ, you too?"

"No, no, don't worry. Your mother just mentioned that you were quite opposed to the idea. I don't blame you, and I support your choice Anna, truly, I do. But I also want to see you getting better. I know this isn't something you can just fix. This stuff takes time," Aunt Susan shrugged, as if what she was stating the most obvious of things in the world.

It was nice to hear someone actually getting it.

"I wish you could try and make mom understand that…" I mumbled grumpily.

"I did. She's not convinced though. She only wants the best for you Anna…" Aunt Susan said.

There was no doubt that my mother cared, and Aunt Susan knew that. My mom just didn't know what to do, which left her as more of a pain in the ass than a help.

It was silent between us as we were holding for a red light. The light turned yellow for the crossing lane, but a bus made it just in time before the light changed.

"Do you ever wonder about that?" I asked, not knowing what came over me. The light in front of us turned green, and Aunt Susan stepped on the gas.

"About what?" She asked, checking her rear-mirror.

I hesitated. I wasn't sure whether I was ready to present an idea. Usually, that followed by defending said idea, and I didn't know if I had the energy or motivation for that.

"That that could just have changed everyone's life. If that bus hadn't made it, maybe it changed the life of everybody on the bus," I said quietly.

"How so?" She asked, though it didn't seem like a question. The older woman most likely already knew the answer. Aunt Susan seemed to know where this was going, she merely wanted me to elaborate – probably more for my sake than her own.

"Well, if someone didn't make their next bus, or came too early for their train," _or if someone knocked over a jar of pennies_, I thought. "I just wonder how a life could change by such a small informality is all…" I shrugged the idea off, as if it was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard. It was too abstract of a thought to muster for me at that moment.

"Write about it," Aunt Susan stated determinedly. Her voice was light. If a voice could sound like a goofy dance, Aunt Susan would have such tone of voice.

"It's not that easy. And it's probably done before," I mumbled pessimistically.

"Not by you," Aunt Susan argued, smirking at me victoriously.

I didn't feel like putting in more effort to shoot down the idea any further. Aunt Susan was skilled with words, like, Anakin-Skywalker-with-a light-saber-skilled. And she wouldn't hesitate to cut off someone's hand if she believed in the idea, just like Anakin didn't hesitate in cutting off Luke's hand.

We reached the stadium, and a hint of panic rose within me. I wanted to run. Simply run away, as far away from the court as possible. Aunt Susan and I entered, and immediately observed that practice had already started. It had never been a courtesy on Aunt Susan's behalf to be on time. I didn't mind, Aunt Susan had already successfully cut part of my practice short. For that, I couldn't be anything but thankful.

Aunt Susan was sitting on the bench, currently checking her phone. She looked tough in her leather jacket. Her lovely wavy brown hair was draped over her shoulders, and her green eyes were observing the screen intensely. She looked like she could definitely entertain herself throughout the duration of our practice.

Our coach blew the whistle, and we all gathered at the center of the court. We split into two teams and changed shirts accordingly. I was on the green team along with Belle and a bunch of others. Time passed doing drills and whatnot until the actual practice match began. I was already nice and sweaty, but it felt good, as if all the toxics were working their way out. But I'd rather run a marathon than to stay one more second on that lousy court.

Belle tossed me the ball as we were dribbling up the court, ready to try to break the other team's defense. Our coach yelled out a few technical prospects of our game, which I decided to ignore. I was in the zone, and too far gone to listen to any kinds of instructions. The other team proved a worthy fight.

As I was running down the court, I wondered what would happen if I sudden were to trip. _If I broke my leg right now, I'd probably be excused from practice for a couple of months… _I thought. Honestly, I didn't know where that thought had come from. _What the fuck brain?_ However, the thought of intentionally hurting myself to get to be on bed rest for an unknown amount of time suddenly sounded so appealing to me. I was already picturing myself in a hospital bed, simply proscribed to do nothing.

I ran towards the wall of girls who aggressively protected their goal, and pretended to try to penetrate their defense. However, instead of throwing myself in between my counter players, I passed the ball to Belle in the last second, and let myself swallow by the defending team while Belle scored a goal. I felt a strike of victory for a short second, something I'd missed by playing. The feeling was quickly swallowed by the black whole in my heart, where all positive emotions ended up. I enjoyed the slight rush of adrenaline, that is, until the elbow collided with my face.

I fell to the ground, landing hard on my shoulder. Blood was already gushing out my nose before I hit the ground, and I doubtfully looked like a fresh murder victim as the red liquid was pretty much everywhere.

"Oh goodness Anna, I'm so sorry!" Alice exclaimed as she came to my aid. The game had stopped, and people were rushing towards me. Soon the entire team was standing around me, looking down upon my frail figure as I was trying to figure out what was up and down.

"Give her some space ladies," our coach said as he approached. He pulled me up by the elbow and I quickly found my feet, although dizziness submerged me.

"I'm so sorry Anna, I didn't mean to…," Alice kept apologizing. I simply raised a hand, indicating all was forgiven. It was clearly an accident.

The blood was gushing out my nose, and pain had made its presence. It felt _good._ I felt it stronger than anything. It was almost like a high. Although I was still high on Elsa's kiss to some extent, nothing beat pain. Pain always demanded to be felt, as John Green would say, no matter how numb you were. Judge me all you want, but I enjoyed the pounding in my face, and the stinging in my nose, along with the soreness that followed.

Obviously, with all the blood, it looked worse than it was. But I couldn't deny myself the opportunity to escape practice. I know how hypocritical this may seem, since I've made it clear how much I hate pretending to feel certain things that I don't. But I'm sure I just did what everybody would have done had they been in my situation.

The coach handed me more tissue papers - since the ones currently pressed to my face were already blood-soaked - and told me to go home. Aunt Susan was already standing with my duffle bag over her shoulder, and stood ready to guide me to the car. Her face displayed worry, and she held a tight grip around me. I could hardly see where I was going since I was instructed to lean my head back.

Finally, I was sitting in the passenger seat, and Aunt Susan pulled out of the parking lot, away from the schools' sports stadium. Relief rushed over me, and I felt lighter. No more practice until tomorrow. If a bloody nose could get me out of a day of practice, imagine how long a broken leg could keep me away.

I rolled down the window to get some fresh air. The air was crisp, and biting me cheeks.

"Keep leaning your head back Anna, you're still bleeding," Aunt Susan instructed. "Your mom is gonna have a fit…" she mumbled tiredly under her breath.

I shrugged, knowing it was true.

We didn't say much during the remainder of the ride. Aunt Susan cranked up for the stereo, and _White Stripes_ blasted from the speakers. I was tired again, and the music did little to wake me up. We passed the supermarket, and Tiana's and Elsa's corner. But I was too exhausted to look for the blonde.

"You can sleep Sweet-pea, just don't choke on your own blood," Aunt Susan teased, but clearly meant that I was allowed to black out, and drift off to sleep. So I did.

* * *

I woke up in my bed. Aunt Susan must have carried me. I could only imagine the expression on my mother's face as Aunt Susan must've carried me through the living room, all bloody and unconscious. How she had managed to talk her way out of that one without waking me remained a mystery to me. But like I said, she was a Jedi with words.

The room was dark when I awoke, and it was already past dinnertime. I had slept all day. My nose was sore, and still a bit red. I walked to the kitchen, where I found my mom putting on earrings.

"Oh Honey you're up. Are you feeling better?" She asked, frantically walking around the kitchen adjusting her clothes.

I nodded and shrugged before grabbing an apple from the counter and sinking my teeth into it. The older woman took a second to inspect my face, and planted a kiss on my forehead. Admittedly, it felt nice.

"Your dad and I are going to a dinner thing; we won't be home too late. You and Susan can just order some pizza if you're hungry," she said in her best motherly voice.

Her heels sounded loud against the wooden floor.

"There's ice cream in the fridge, but don't tell your dad, you know how he gets before a big game," she fuzzed.

I observed her as she took in her reflection in the mirror behind the door. She was brushing some hair behind her ear, and redid her lipstick. It was good to see her out of her apron. After she'd done her lipstick she rushed around the kitchen, grabbing the last of her things.

"Mom…" I said.

It was as if she snapped out of her frantic zone of preparation, and gave me her undivided attention.

"Yes Honey?" She answered, her eyes awake with curiosity.

I hesitated.

"You look nice," I stated, genuinely thinking my mother looked absolutely stunning.

"T-thank you," my mother replied. The expression on her face could hardly be described. It was a mixture of shyness and gratefulness. She smiled at me, and gave me a peck on the cheek. "Don't forget to eat," were her final words before she left out the door with her arm hooked in my father's arm.

"Hurry Anna, get the booze!" Aunt Susan yelled just before the front door closed. She laughed at my mother's warning look, and strolled over to pick up the pizza take-out menu.

We ordered way too much food, and watched a bad horror movie. I was thankful we didn't watch a comedy, I wasn't in the mood to pretend to laugh.

After the film I took a long hot shower. It was difficult to get the heat flowing through my system, so I thought a shower might help warm me up. Goosebumps covered every inch of my skin. The water was hot, just on the edge of scolding.

Finally, I pulled on an oversized sweater and my favorite pair skinny jeans. I thought I needed to wear my favorite-something. Wasn't that what usually made people feel good? Wearing their favorite-something?

I laid flatly on my back slouched out on my bed. Music was playing from the speakers by my computer. My eyes were closed, and I was wishing myself away. Perhaps to a far-away land where sadness didn't exist. A land where the word 'responsibility' was not known to man. Simply a land where people had a mutual understanding of each other. Money was banned on these lands, and love was accepted in all shapes and sizes – encouraged even. A place where weapons of mass destruction wasn't even invented because the citizens of this land couldn't even hurt a fly. A universe where it was impossible to be sad for no reason, but if you were to be sad, it acknowledged as a flaw in chemistry, not character.

Even the thought of my own personal utopia couldn't bring a feeling of satisfaction or joy upon me. Perchance, the thought even evoked more sadness and hopelessness, since such lands didn't exist. Lucky for me, a tap on my window tore me from my imaginary world. Another tap sounded. It was as if something was bouncing off of the glass.

Lazily, I rose from my bed and walked to the window. And right there, on our front yard, stood Elsa, throwing tiny rocks at my window. The darkness nearly swallowed Elsa whole, but those platinum blonde locks stood out in the darkness and could hardly be mistaken. That was Elsa alright.

I opened the window and leaned on my palms in the window frame.

"Hey," Elsa whispered like the sneaky little creature she was.

"Hi Elsa," I said nonchalant with a bit of confusion in my voice, "what are you doing here?"

I made an effort to make my question sound casual. The last thing I wanted was to make Elsa feel unwelcome.

"You busy?" She asked, still in a shushed voice. Obviously, she had no idea my parents weren't home. Good to know she wasn't a complete stalker. I shook my head in response.

"Good. I'm coming up," the blonde stated boldly, and started climbing the tree. You should have seen the determination on her face. Elsa was highly convinced she could climb that tree. The same tree that had made me realize how real gravity indeed was. That tree had saved me from a lot of scolding when I came home drunk from the lame cliché high school parties. Only one night I proved that alcohol and gravity from great heights wasn't such a great match, thanks the ol' oak by my window. Ergo, I couldn't risk the old oak pulling the same stunt on Elsa, as he had broken off one of his branches just as I was reached for the window one time.

"Don't you dare go all Twilight on me," I announced with a hint of urgency. "You can use the front door. Just give me a sec."

Elsa smiled and stepped away from the tree. Thereafter she stuck her hands in the pockets of her blue jacket and walked towards the front door. Not thirty seconds later I stood in front of the blonde. I pulled her inside and placed my pointer finger to my lips. Elsa's eyes shot over to observe the snoring Aunt Susan, with limbs dangling in all sorts of awkward directions, on the couch.

Quietly we climbed the stairs until we could safely shut the door firmly to my room. I leaned against the door as I watched Elsa remove her jacket and pick up a picture frame on my nightstand. It was a picture of Hans and I. It was taken at Hans' graduation ceremony a few years ago. I'd stolen his hat and diploma, posing goofily with the items as Hans was trying to reach over and snatch it.

"Sorry for dropping by like this," Elsa said, still observing the picture. She let a pale slender finger slide over the glass. "But I wanted to make sure you were okay," she continued.

I was still leaning against the door, creating an awkwardly large amount of distance between us. As if I was afraid I'd jump the older girl any second. It wasn't because I was actually afraid I'd attack Elsa in a wild frenzy of lust – that surely wasn't the case. Nonetheless, I didn't trust myself – in any way, not just in relation to my sexual deprivation. I knew it was quite sudden that I liked girls, it was as if it had happened overnight. Actually, didn't it happen almost overnight? However, I wasn't so sure I was gay. No, I knew I liked _Elsa_. That's all I knew.

Nonetheless, I couldn't deny how sexy I found Elsa. A girl's body had never spoken strongly to me in that way. I was happy to realize that at least all my primal instincts were still working. That no matter how numb I felt, my sex-drive was at least still there.

"I saw your Aunt driving you home this morning," Elsa put down the picture and stepped towards me. "You know, you really scared me with all the blood gushing out your nose. Who'd you piss off?" She asked smiling half teasing, half worried.

I shrugged, crossing the room to turn down the music that was still playing. It wasn't loud; I guess I just didn't know what to do. Elsa stepped closer. The way Elsa had approached me freaked me out. What if she wanted me to kiss her again? I mean, I wanted nothing more than to kiss her, but it wouldn't be fair to her. Getting her hopes up for something as hopeless as me. That wouldn't be fair.

"You shrug a lot, don't you?" the blonde teased again. I shrugged again (totally unintentionally, I swear.) Elsa rolled her eyes. "Anyway, I came to check if you were alright… you know, you can't just drive by my booth looking like someone just tried to knock your teeth out. At least give a tiny wave saying 'hey Elsa, yeah I'm alright, don't worry about the gallons of blood currently gushing out of my nose!'"

"It was just an elbow to the face… it's not big deal…" I said hesitantly.

Two long strides and the older girl suddenly stood in front of me, smiling a sweet innocently smile. Her thumb then came up and gently caressed my sore red nose. It hurt a little, but I didn't complain. It was as if my two drugs collided. The high I got from Elsa and the high I got from the pain clashed together.

"I'm glad to see you're okay…," she whispered in my lack of response. The blonde kissed me ever so gently on the tip of my nose, and turned around walking back towards the nightstand. She picked up the picture once again. What her fascination with it was still unknown to me.

"Who's this in the picture?" She asked, holding it so carefully, as if it was the most precious thing she owned. Her hands were so elegant, her motions so smooth and fluent, as if she could create magic with her hands.

"Oh that's my brother," I answered casually. Elsa hummed by my response, like it was obvious to her who the man in the picture was. Maybe it was, seeing Hans and I had the same fiery red hair going.

"He looks nice," she added. "Who's the other person?"

That comment had me thrown off guard. There was only two people in that picture, one already being established as my brother. Elsa's question actually had me feel a bit sad. She really couldn't recognize me?

"What…?" I said hurt, "Elsa, that's me… I mean, it's taken a few years ago but…"

"I know it's you Anna," she said quietly. Her voice was gentle. "But what happened to that girl?"

Of course Elsa had known it was me all along, I was stupid to think otherwise. Elsa was smart, and clever and observant.

"…. She's gone." My voice was firm. Elsa wanted an answer, and she got an answer. "In fact… she left around a year ago," I walked towards Elsa, took the picture from her grip, and put it in the drawer of my nightstand.

We looked at each other for a little while. Elsa's eyes were stern never letting her gaze falter. She saw right through my defensiveness. Then she did something I hadn't expected. Her arms grabbed me around the waist and she pulled me closer. Elsa was embracing me, hugging me tightly to her. It took some time for me to return the hug. I thought she was mad, when it turns out Elsa understood. Or at least accepted it. She didn't try to force the words out of me like Dr. Hudson. Elsa's technique was 'let her come to me,' giving me all the space I needed.

The hug lasted a while. I breathed in her scent and she smelled just like she did that night in my bed. I realized Elsa hadn't been in my room since that day. It was me who broke the hug. Elsa gave me as much time as I needed, refusing to be the first to break it, in case I needed more.

The blonde then turned to my computer. She was typing, clearly knowing what she was looking for.

"What're you doing?" I asked, trying my best to sound chipper.

"Finding a song."

"What's wrong with the music playing now?" I questioned.

"Anna, your most played song is called 'Sadness is a Blessing.' And we're not going to dance to that," Elsa stated as it was the most obvious thing on the planet. Her fingers kept darting over the keyboard.

"It's a good song!" I argued, "If you were to give it a chance- wait, who said anything about dancing?"

"I did," Elsa said smiling.

"No way. I don't dance."

"But dancing is good for the soul," she reasoned.

"I'm not dancing."

"So you won't dance with me?" She quirked an eyebrow.

The mixture of teasing and longing in Elsa's voice had me shut up. She had me wrapped around her little finger, and she didn't even know it. The blonde reached over, and pressed play, for only moments later to have a deep voice accompanied by a guitar sound from the speakers. The beat was moderately slow, and I was thankful Elsa hadn't put on some ridiculous pop song on.

"I-I'm… I-I mean, I don't…," I was stumbling over the words like a complete moron. The older girl giggled.

"It's okay. Here," Elsa grabbed my hands. "Just place your hands on my hips, and," she took a step forward, "come closer."

I felt her breath tingle my nose. She started moving her hips, moving my hands along with them. Elsa clutched two hands around my neck, swaying me along to the beat. Elsa felt good against me, and the song was catchy and calming. Elsa was a good dancer. That her body was so insanely beautiful probably contributed immensely to that fact.

She didn't mind me swaying lazily. Honestly, I barely moved, but it was a start. I never was much for dancing. The song faded out and silence fell upon the room. But we kept dancing. It was so calming. Our foreheads rested against each other, and Elsa had closed her eyes. It would still be a couple of more seconds before the next song would come on. I took the time to kiss her.

She was surprised to feel my lips on hers, and her eyes had fluttered open, for only to shut them again. Elsa got into the kiss, and so did I. Neither of us realized the next song was already playing. It was very upbeat, and somehow sounded much louder from the speakers than the first one.

My tongue slipped past Elsa's lips to meet hers. They greeted each other in a dance of their own. It was hard for me to breath. There was just something about Elsa that left me breathless.

We broke apart, and Elsa rested her forehead against mine again.

"Does the air seem a bit thin to you?" I whispered quietly.

The blonde giggled, planting another kiss on my lips. A knock then sounded on the door, and not two seconds later, Aunt Susan hung in the doorway.

"Anna could you turn down the-" Aunt Susan stopped midsentence when she saw Elsa. I stared at her in panic, completely frozen to the spot.

Aunt Susan wiggled her eyebrows followed by a knowing look and a mischievous smirk. She closed the door without a word. Elsa's face was bright red, her cheeks burning with embarrassment. It was kind of adorable.

* * *

The song they were dancing to was "Budapest" by Georg Ezra.

Quote: "Depression is a flaw of chemistry, not of character"

Also, I name these chapters completely randomly. Lol.


	9. Tick Tock

**Chapter 9 – Tick Tock**

The following weeks Elsa and I spend a lot of time together. It was nice getting out of the house. Every hour I spend with her was the highlight of that day. As if Elsa pulled me out of the never-ending vortex of numbness the short amount of time we spend together. We had pancakes at Tiana's twice a week now. It was always a battle to get to pay for Elsa. But in the end I would always end up doing so, most of the time whenever she wasn't looking.

Elsa still didn't look entirely comfortable in the casual café setting. As if she didn't belong. Like she thought her clothes were too ragged, or her hands were too dirty. But I'd never seen perfection like I saw in Elsa. Like how her dainty hands would wrap gracefully around the straw of her chocolate milkshake. Sure was a lucky straw. How she would cover her mouth whenever she was laughing too hard. How straight she always sat.

Elsa and I had stayed in my room and listened to music the night she almost climbed the tree outside my window. We would both lay flat on our backs, staring into the ceiling. The music was calming, and there hadn't been an urge to talk. Our feet dangled off the bed. Our shoulders were touching, but that was it. That is, until we both noticed our hands were nearly touching. Without much thought, Elsa took my hand in hers.

We were just lying there, listening to music and holding hands. I couldn't recall the last time I'd held someone's hand. For some reason it was calming. I wondered if her fingertips were tingling as well. Elsa's hand stole all the warmth from mine. I didn't mind it.

My thumb would caress hers, but we would both just keep staring at the ceiling. That's when Elsa spotted the spider in the corner of my room. I didn't mind nature, just not in my room. I carefully got rid of it while Elsa watched me. I felt her eyes observe my every move. I guess that is how I looked at her too when she wasn't looking.

Weeks passed after that, and we were slowly getting to know each other. If you asked me today, I would say the kiss happened too fast. But at the time, I didn't mind it. It was much better than walking on eggshells around each other until one would just go ahead and confess. This way, we didn't have to hide anything. Elsa liked me and I liked her.

Elsa and I would take long walks in the forest. Occasionally she would throw a snowball at me, and I would simply shrug it off pretending that I didn't want to join her childish plays until she turned around so I could throw one back at her. We would watch deer run through the forest, fleeing from us whenever one of us accidently snapped a twig while trying to sneak up on them.

We could talk for hours. Elsa still did most of the talking. Actually, she did almost all of the talking. She told me about Ofelia, the woman who'd saved her when she was younger. The one that took her in. She told me about how it was to live with the older woman, and how they got by.

Apparently, Ofelia worked day in and day out. She was an ice harvester, but without any sort of work permit. Ergo, all her jobs had to be done discreetly. They both only earned enough to manage to buy food and supplies. Elsa and Ofelia lived from day to day. Of course, the authorities knew nothing about their occupation of the abandoned house by the outskirts of Arendelle. Those houses had been closed off because they were a safety hazard.

The night I had found Elsa, her and Ofelia had planned to meet outside Tiana's café like they did almost every night. It was a mutual agreement that if you didn't show up, something was wrong. They had had a fight the day before about nothing in particular, but had send both women angry to bed. They hadn't spoken all day and when they finally were to meet, Ofelia was a no-show. Elsa had waited for hours for Ofelia. Elsa told me that she was still mad at Ofelia because apparently she still hadn't given her a legit reason for why she hadn't showed. Her roommate had nearly cried when she heard what had happened to Elsa that night.

Elsa told me more about Ofelia. She'd been kicked out at the mere age of fifteen. After having revealed her sexuality - having explained to her parents she loved girls - she was left to rod on the streets. None of her family would take her in, all viewing her as the family's black sheep. Ever since, Ofelia had taken care of herself. She'd left town and come to Arendelle. The city of ice.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it, but here in Arendelle summer only lasts two or three months. The rest of the year, it's snowy and cold.

She told me about some of the good stuff too though. The close bond the two shared. How goofy Ofelia actually was. We talked for a long time. We laughed and smiled – well, mostly Elsa laughed and smiled. I tried laughing and smiling.

But nothing could stop the ever-growing darkness that swallowed me whenever I got home or thought about handball practice. Or whenever I thought about my future. Not even Elsa could keep the terrors of the night at bay.

One thing _had _changed though. Those days I woke up knowing I was meeting Elsa, I didn't feel like I was going from one hell to another. It was only after we parted I fell into my cocoon of coldness. In the expand of twenty-four hours, it was as if Elsa grabbed a handful of those hours and shook all the numbness out of them. But only that handful of hours.

Elsa was my temporary joy.

I tried my best to act normal around Elsa. To act happy. Although, I noticed that for every time I saw Elsa, the happiness seemed less forced. Because Elsa didn't expect me to laugh. She didn't force me to crack a smile. She was fine with me just being me.

Now, I'm not saying Elsa _liked_ my depressed state of mind. Quite on the contrary. But she didn't just judge or push. She rewarded me with a smile or a sweet comment whenever I made an almost-joke, or I hoisted my lips into a half-grin.

Still, nothing could stop the pit of darkness I fell back into when I came home after meeting Elsa. It was like the house had turned into a dark whole that only expanded and swallowed me every time Elsa and I parted. But Elsa allowed me to breath. To break the surface a few hours a day and swallow a big gulp of air before being pulled back under again.

I still didn't know what we were. Were we girlfriends? Was Elsa even gay? Was_ I_ even gay? The only thing I knew for sure. I sure as hell was gay for Elsa. I wasn't ashamed of liking her, but I surely wasn't going to advertise it.

Elsa seemed to be used to it, having Ofelia being her lesbian role model I guess. Maybe Elsa just loved. She seemed like the person who didn't need the formalities of labels.

Elsa knew I was fond of her… I think. And Elsa was definitely fond of me.

* * *

It was late afternoon and we were walking along the icy pavement on the outskirts of Arendelle. There were no clouds staining the sky. The wonders above us was as blue as the eyes I was looking into. Elsa's eyes.

"Where're we going?" I asked, hardly managing to stay upright on the slippery sidewalk.

"You'll see," Elsa hummed.

The ground beneath us turned into a fresh layer of snow as we left the pavement. Trees were inclosing on us. Birds were singing their songs at the best of their abilities. As if, they were singing these tunes just for me and Elsa to hear. It was beautiful.

"Their songs remind me of that movie… what's it called?" Elsa said to herself.

"Which one?" I asked curiously.

"The one you can't help but cry to," the blonde stated, still lost in thought and digging through her brain. I shrugged.

"I wouldn't know," was my only response.

"And why is that?" Elsa was now the one sounding confused. Her head turned towards me as she was waiting for my response.

"Because I don't cry at movies," I shrugged again. My hands were buried deep in the pockets of my jeans. Elsa took a step towards me and hooked her arm through mine. Our steps synchronized, making the sound Elsa loved so dearly. You know, the sound of crackling snow beneath your feet.

"I don't believe you. You can't be human," she smiled, clearly teasing.

"Who ever said I was human? I'm obviously a cyborg. That would definitely explain my cold heart," my lips quirked up into a crooked smile. It was weak, but it was there. Because I didn't know how serious I actually was. Of course I knew I wasn't a cyborg – but it definitely would explain some things if that was to be the case.

"You don't have a cold heart Anna. In fact, you have one of the warmest hearts I've ever witnessed. Admit it, you're a softie."

"Name one thing soft about me," I challenged.

"Apart from your lips?" She argued, raising an eyebrow.

I grimaced, but ended up smiling anyway. Elsa could be cheesy. Without unhooking her arm, she threw her arms in defeat with a sigh.

"Anna, you help old people to their car with their groceries. Don't think I haven't noticed you when you help old Mrs. Gerda to her car. You take in nearly-dying poor girls in from the street. You spent half an hour getting rid of that spider without killing it; you even named it, and tried to see if you could find some of his spider buddies."

"Oh yeah, I hope those other spiders were nice to Bruce. He was a good guy," I mumbled, trying to get off the topic of 'how good a person I was.' I didn't think I was. Nowhere near close to a good person.

Elsa giggled, and I smiled.

"See, your heart is nowhere near cold."

We'd stopped walking without realizing it. The conversation had turned somewhat serious. I looked down noticing Elsa's hand rested over my heart. Hopefully it was impossible for her to feel how it picked up pace.

"But what if that stuff is just a fault in my hard drive? What if these technicalities are purely technical complications? What if I'm defect?" I asked half-serious. You could only take a cyborg metaphor so seriously. I didn't know how far I intended to stretch this metaphor. Only John Green could understand the extent to which I was willing to take a metaphor. _Yes, I'm referring to you Augustus Waters. You and your spit soaked cigarettes. _

"You're not," Elsa assured, as if it was the thing she was the most certain of in the entire world.

"Tell that to my creators," I huffed with a hint of self-irony.

"Anna you're not defect. And if you were I'd do my best to upgrade and fix you," the blonde soothed. Her hand left my heart for a mere second to brush a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Fine, you can be the mechanic then. While you're at it, could you build in a soda machine? That could be cool," I teased but in a nonchalant tone of voice.

"Why? You don't even drink soda!" Elsa exclaimed, now laughing again. The mood had brightened again.

I couldn't miss out on such perfect opportunity. This was where my writer's mind kicked in. The idealist in me.

"Because," I started, "it could be cool, and we could charge people for soda and become rich. Then we could donate all the money to an orphanage and the world would slowly, but surely, become a better place. And we could live happily ever after. The end."

No one said anything for a while. Elsa just had this huge smile plastered upon her lips as we started walking again. I could see her eyes wandering off, imagining such world.

"I wish it could be like that," she sighed, looking dreamingly into the forest.

Everything was so white. Like a fresh canvas. Elsa would be my masterpiece. She was the masterpiece painted in the whiteness of the forest of that moment.

"Well, a millionaire soda-selling cyborg perhaps isn't the outmost realistic of career opportunities."

A comfortable silence settled between us until we reached Elsa's secret destination.

"We're here," the girl stated happily and released herself from my arm to get a few steps ahead of me.

We were at a lake, completely isolated from everything else. It was as if the outside world didn't exist when you looked upon the breath-taking body of water. Ice hadn't settled upon the surface, the temperature being a couple degrees above freezing.

A wooden pier was located by the edge of the lake stretching far towards the center. The sky reflected itself into the massive pool of water, reminding me of a mirror. I remembered how only a few years ago, such sight would had had me tear up. The beauty of Mother Nature's work being too magnificent not to shed a tear over.

Elsa had motioned herself down the beginning of the pier where she was fiddling with something. I followed her and was stunned when I saw her pull out a small wooden boat. She jumped in and grabbed onto the edges.

"Give me a push," Elsa smiled. I jumped on board as I pushed the boat off shore. Soon we were floating into the clear water.

Elsa sat with her back straight and her hands placed in her lap, looking at me. I still hadn't sat down yet, enjoying the feeling of remaining my balance on the unstable water. In fact, I actually felt like messing with Elsa. Something I only would have done had it been Aunt Susan or Hans sitting across from me.

I started swaying the boat from side to side. The boat was rocking in the rhythm to my movements, never even close to the verge of tilting.

"Anna you're gonna get us both killed!" The blonde exclaimed, her eyes growing wide as she held on tightly to the edge of the dinghy.

For the first time that day I actually laughed. Elsa could be so adorable sometimes. I sat down, wearing a somewhat goofy smile.

"Maybe 'Anna you're gonna get us both killed' will be our 'always'" my grin was genuine.

"That's it. You are from here on out not allowed to make another John Green reference," Elsa said, and grabbed the collar of my jacket to pull me forward for a kiss.

* * *

I was resting my head on her stomach, as she was stroking my hair. I could feel the movement of the water beneath the boat. We were drifting towards shore, but currents would change our directions continuously. The sky was so clear, and the air so fresh.

A smile crept upon my lips. Elsa's hands were cold as her fingertips brushed over my forehead.

"Do you have a favorite word?" I asked out of the blue.

I wanted to know everything about Elsa. Her likes, her dislikes, her preferences, fears, dreams. Everything. Of course, I already knew a lot about her. Elsa loved reading, and simply couldn't stand if people put dog ears in one of her precious book. She was left handed, and hated when she smudged her writing. She feared the concept of time, afraid she would run out of it. Elsa loved chocolate, almost more than life itself at times. She dreamed of better futures for kids in orphanages.

Those were just a peak into Elsa's conscious. I wanted to go deep. Words meant a great deal to me, they were what brought color to life. A few letters gathered in a tiny word could have such a broad meaning. It fascinated me how something as small as a single word could have such a large significance.

Take a curse word. They aren't much different from other words – but their _meaning_? I don't know, it just fascinates me how humans have just randomly applied meaning to words. How there's no specific reason a rose is called a rose. But taking the meaning away from its word, and what is it? It's nothing. But all words are biased. Of course everyone is going to like the word 'hope' rather than 'toilet' – all because of its meaning. Now, that isn't fair to 'toilet' I thought. Therefore, I thought asking Elsa what her favorite word was, would show a lot about her interpretation and processing of words.

"Pardon?" She asked confused.

"A favorite word. Do you have one? Like, not necessarily the meaning, but just the way if feels on the tongue."

Elsa stopped mid-motion, that's how hard she was thinking. Her cold fingertips rested upon my forehead, completely frozen in place. Elsa couldn't multitask when she was thinking this hard. It was utterly adorable. Finally, she said in a clear determined voice full of realization.

"Marshmallow."

I laughed, causing Elsa to laugh too. I could feel her abdominal muscles tense up underneath my head. I looked up at her briefly, seeing she was still lost in thought. There was a slight tug on her lips, and it delighted me to see.

"Marshmallow," I stated, trying to get a feel of the word. It flowed effortlessly from the tongue, the alliteration causing your lips to meet twice.

"Marshmallow," she said again. I could hear the joy in her voice.

"I like it. It's a good word," I uttered, smiling.

Her hand started caressing my forehead again, letting her thumb brush over my brows once. The word marshmallow held a certain softness to it. Just like the thing itself. It made me wonder whether it was planned. The word almost as smooth and bendable as the sweet treat itself.

"What's yours?" Elsa asked.

I didn't have to think long about that one, it rolled off my tongue almost automatically.

"Elsa," I said, and received a tiny swat with the back of Elsa's hand over my shoulder. I giggled.

"I'm being serious. I want to know. Besides, you said the _feeling_ of the word, not the meaning," Elsa stated seriously.

"Well, I feel very strongly for that word," I made clear. Another swat.

"Alright, alright," I laughed. "My favorite word is 'onomatopoeia.' Mostly because it sounds funny, and I feel sophisticated when I say it."

Elsa repeated the word once for herself.

"I've heard it before," she stated. Of course she had. If there was one thing Elsa was, it was smart. Perhaps not in the common way of perception. Perhaps not academically smart, but Elsa was just naturally bright and clever.

"It's a literary device. You know, the spelling of sounds," I explained.

Elsa was quiet for a moment. I could almost hear her thinking. The air was cold, and I could see my breath being caught in midair for every one of my exhales. The birds were still singing, twittering their beautiful serenades.

"Like 'tick tock'," she finally uttered.

I laughed once.

"Yeah, like 'tick tock'," I agreed.

We laid in silence for a little while, only the sound of the waves swooshing underneath us.

"I like that word," Elsa mumbled.

Even though Elsa's hands were cold, the softness of them was beyond compare. She had such dainty hands; you could hardly believe she was the type of person swinging a hammer and chisel all day. The blonde might seem like one of her fragile ice sculptures, but I knew Elsa was tough.

We talked about nothing for a while, and I nuzzled closer into her stomach. At one point I was laying on my side, allowing me to look up at Elsa. The older girl's eyes were fixated on the sky though, and I merely caught the sight of her beautiful pale jawline. I reached a hand up and caressed her cheek, and soon she was looking down at me. In the end I was curled together in Elsa's embrace, resting in her lap as she had her arms around me. I felt like a kid again. Like someone was taking care of me. _Really_ taking care of me. Elsa's lap was so comfortable; I could lie there all day. It was as if it was specially designed for me to lay on it. I liked the idea of idea of me and Elsa being sculpted for each other. That we were cut out of the universe just so we could fit together.

Elsa made me wonder about so many things. Like, did soul mates exist? I remembered reading about soul mates once. There was a suggestion that soul mates could be scientifically explained by the resurrection of the earth. Basically, the theory sounded that atoms close to each during the construction of the earth were linked together somehow. These atoms are then drawn to each later in life, like magnets. Maybe me and Elsa's atoms were close at some point, and these atoms had managed to find their better half again through me and Elsa.

She made me think about my life. My family. She made me take a second glance at the world. She made me reconsider my outlook on the world for the millionth time. I tilted my head a tiny bit, and Elsa brushed a hand over my bangs once.

"Do you believe in good and evil? Like, that you can actually be born… bad?" I asked with a frail voice. The cold had my voice sound husky. Perhaps it was soon time to retrieve to land, the cold leaving my fingers closely resembling ice taps.

"I want to see the good in everyone, but it's difficult sometimes," the blonde trailed off. She was bending forward, hunched over me while resting her chin on my head. "Not like you. It shines out of you."

Elsa was so persistent in pointing out my goodness. She didn't see what I saw.

"I'm not good Elsa."

"Yes you are," she stated firmly. Her statement almost had me become angry. Frustrated. But I could be neither when I was laying in this amazing girl's lap.

"Why? Carrying a couple of grocery bags and not killing spiders doesn't exactly make me a good person. That's a shallow assumption if that's what my so called goodness it based on," I mumbled.

Elsa stroked my hair again, and looked down upon me with gentle eyes.

"Because you don't think you're good. But you are. People who can't see their goodness are often the best people. Your mind is just reluctant to see it," Elsa tried. "I know your mind is blocking it right now, but believe Anna. You're an amazing person. And someone should tell you that every day," she said and leaned down to kiss my forehead.

"Wait what? What do you mean my mind is blocking it?" I said, suddenly sitting up. I wanted to touch the spot where Elsa's lips had just graced me, but I was too engrossed by her statement.

"… Because Anna… I've been where you are…," she said quietly.

A silence settled between us. Been where I am? What did she mean? Something clicked all at once.

Elsa _knew_.

She knew what I was going through. And that made my throat tie a knot on itself. My sweet sweet Elsa. Had she been stuck in this numb lockdown just like me?

"Y-you have?" I stuttered.

Elsa nodded. Her hands were in her lap. I moved closer. We were sitting next to each other. Our knees touched.

"Yes… It's a while ago. But it's hard to forget," her words hit me right in the chest. "I may not know exactly what you're going through. Every person is different. But I remember it was like a conscious lock-down. I was so… _angry_ with myself. I was so angry at the world."

"You were?" I asked stupidly.

Elsa huffed.

"Of course Anna. I thought I'd been the one to drive my parents into their death. You didn't think never having had a place to belong didn't leave its marks, did you? I've been where you are. Trust me. I thought I was this… monster. I was a curse casted upon every person I touched. I was lost and alone. Practically isolated from everything and everyone until the day I ran away from the orphanage. I felt like a zombie. I didn't care about anything, I barely cared about myself."

"What… what happened?"

"Ofelia happened. She saved my life. Took me in when no one else would. Showed me living a life in pain and regret was no way of living. Taught me how to appreciate the little things," Elsa smiled and my heart fluttered. It was a weird feeling. "It took me a long time to get where I am now. It also took me a long time to realize I couldn't do it alone… Ofelia made me realize that."

I took Elsa's hand and she immediately wrapped her fingers around mine. Then she leaned her head on my shoulder. I could smell her hair. The water beneath us was the only thing that sounded. That and the tiny birds singing to us.

"…. She sounds like an amazing person."

"She is," Elsa agreed whole-heartedly.

I wrapped and arm around her and she snuggled closer to me.

"Elsa?"

"Yes?" She said quietly.

"… you're pretty amazing too."


	10. My Elsa

**Chapter 10 – My Elsa**

Knowing Elsa could relate to what I was going through only made her my most favorite person in the world. _Sorry Aunt Susan, but you're as of now currently tied with Elsa over my most favorite people._

This opened up a lot more doors for us. I didn't have to pretend anymore. I could just relax for once. No fake façade needed anymore, at least not around Elsa. Although, I hardly needed my façade when I was with Elsa anyway. Like I said, she was my temporary joy.

Elsa had decided that she was finally ready to show me where she lived. It had been a long and hard internal struggle for her to decide whether she was ready for that. I hadn't pushed in any way – I still wasn't great at taking initiative to much.

The battle had mostly been between Elsa and herself. We both knew Elsa lived a rather alternative lifestyle. Not that she had any choice. Elsa did what she needed to survive – and I knew she had neglected some of her usual responsibilities to spend time with me. She pushed aside some jobs she had been offered just to spend time with me. She said they wouldn't go anywhere. Elsa still insisted stubbornly that I shouldn't pay for her. I felt bad about it – as bad as I now could feel (when it came to feeling).

But I wasn't in a position to provide anything for Elsa. I couldn't give her a home or an education. Not that she would have accepted it if I had offered. No, all I could do was pay for her damn pancakes twice a week. I still found myself roaming through my closet for anything I had no use for anymore. However, as soon as I had gathered a tiny pile of items, I simply kicked it into the corner.

Elsa wouldn't accept it.

She had made that clear. Sometimes she would even try and give me back the jacket I gave her. I didn't know if it had anything to do with pride. Perhaps it was a question of independence. The last thing I wanted Elsa to think was that I didn't think she could take care of herself. Hell, she didn't just take care of herself, she even took care of _me_. I just hadn't realized it yet.

Anyhow, like I said, Elsa had finally made up her mind and was ready to show me her sacred space. One day after practice, I met her on the corner of Tiana's Café. She was just closing up shop as I stepped out of my truck.

"Hey you," she called as I approached her.

We didn't kiss hello. Admittedly, we hardly showed any affection when we were in public. I still didn't know what we were. My hands were in my pockets, a precautionary action in case I couldn't fight the urge take Elsa's hand.

"Hi," I said, blatantly not trying to hide my tired voice. Handball had been a killer. It was first when I saw Elsa that day I didn't feel trapped. The sense of panic left me as I looked at her.

"You ok?" She asked gently, brushing my bangs away from my forehead. My hands didn't leave my pockets. I took a step back. As much I wanted her touch, I couldn't risk anyone seeing us. The town was too small for such mistakes. It wasn't that I didn't want to be seen with Elsa. Her being poor had nothing to do with it. But I couldn't risk getting the 'gay-stamp' on my forehead. I would shout over the rooftops that Elsa and I were friends and I was proud to be her friend. Yes, her _friend_. But I couldn't be labelled as gay in front of the whole town. Actually, the town could suck it. I couldn't be labelled in front of my parents. That was it.

"Sorry," I muttered when I saw Elsa's face faltered. "I'm fine. Just…" I lost my ability to speak. I didn't know what to say.

"It's okay," the blonde said, her lips tugging up into a tiny smile. A hurt little smile. "I get it," she then said. I had no doubt in my mind that Elsa did indeed get it. Of course she did. She was clever. She knew how I felt. But the hurt still lured underneath the surface of that smile she send me.

"Are you ready to go?" She then asked, and I nodded. Gosh how I wanted to kiss that hurt little smile away. So when I followed her deeper into the alleyway, I planted a quick peck on her forehead.

I was rewarded with a true smile. A real smile. Those things still had me going. For every smile Elsa send me, a tiny bit of me wanted to believe in humanity again. If something as beautiful as Elsa existed on this earth, I was sure there had to be more. If something as sweet and caring as Elsa had been put upon this earth, I was _certain_ there had to be more. If something as honest and loving as her was created, there _needed_ to be more. Or else Elsa was the most precious thing on earth. The most unique thing in the universe.

And I refused to share her with anyone.

The world would ruin her if it got it's hands on her. I could never let that happen.

I watched as Elsa dragged out a small blue wagon from the deep darkness. The wheels creaked as she dragged it behind her. The blue paint was well on it's way to crack off completely. I helped her load her booth into the tiny wagon. Then we walked side by side, all the way to the outskirts of Arendelle.

I couldn't quite believe Elsa walked this far every day. Although the time seemed to fly by as I was walking next to Elsa, we still walked for around forty minutes. The pavement was slippery, but it helped as the concrete turned into gravel underneath the ice.

The moment we were well outside the city, I had taken Elsa's hand. I wanted to make up for the tiny step back I had taken earlier. That tiny cowardly step. I wanted to show her that her touch didn't repulse me. Not in the slightest bit. I wanted to show her I saw past all of that. That she was worth just as much as the richest man or woman alive.

We finally reached the abandoned houses next to the neglected parking lot. The parking lot had slowly become swallowed by nature. The empty space had a thin layer of snow resting upon the entire area.

The houses were lined up. They were all two stories high, their rooftops ending in a pointy tip reaching towards the sky. Elsa stopped by the middle house. She told me to wait in front of the porch while she pulled her wagon around back. I studied the house while she was gone. It was a faded turquoise. It reminded me of French architecture. It looked so forgotten and lonely.

Elsa returned making fresh footprints in the perfect snow.

"You ready?" She asked smiling widely. I think I made up for my cowardliness earlier.

I nodded silently and took a few steps up on the deck with Elsa. Elsa grabbed the door handle and tried pushing the door open gently. But the door didn't bulge.

"That's weird," Elsa stated. "Ofelia usually isn't home this time a day," the blonde explained.

I wanted to act surprised, but as I said, I didn't have to act around Elsa. Honestly, I really didn't feel like meeting Ofelia at that moment. I'd heard much about her, and I was determined to meet her at some point. But this? I felt the panic creep up on me. Like I was being ambushed.

_Suck it up Anna. She means a lot to Elsa. _

"Are you alright?" Elsa asked, voice suddenly full of concern.

Elsa took a step towards me and started rubbing my arm gently. Her touch was calming, but the knot in my throat was choking me.

"We don't have to do this now, I don't want to pull anything over your head," she stated soothingly trying to catch me eyes.

_How'd she know? How could she tell I suddenly felt under attack? _Maybe I had let my parades down, and let my façade falter completely around Elsa. I just hadn't realized it.

"How'd you…?" I asked, my voice was so small and pathetic I could barely stand myself.

She stepped in front of me and pulled me towards her, holding unto my jacket, which was unzipped. I couldn't help but think we were standing like a married couple. The way Elsa was looking at me. As we were just about to leave for a fancy dinner party, and Elsa just had to correct my tie. I would tell her she looked as lovely as ever just before helping her put on her long dainty coat and we would be on our way. In a split second, without realizing, I had just imagined a future with Elsa. And a lovely one at that.

"I don't know, you just suddenly went stiff. Anna, you need to tell me if there's something you're not comfortable with," she ordered kindly. "We don't have to do this. We can just turn around and go back."

When did I become so lucky? Elsa's kindness made me want to do this for her. I knew how much she worshipped Ofelia. I wanted to be part of Elsa's life, and Ofelia was such a great part that there was no way of avoiding it. Ofelia had to like me. I couldn't have her hate me. I just couldn't.

"No it's fine… I want to meet her," I said.

Elsa's eyes studied me. I tried tugging my lips into a shy smile. She pulled me forwards and pressed a kiss to my cheek.

"Okay…," she whispered and smiled at me.

Her smile made it worth it. The older girl took a step towards the door and knocked hard on the wooden barrier. Elsa knocked in a specific pattern, there was a rhythm to it.

"I know it's old school, but it's just to make sure we know who it is," Elsa said as she continued knocking her pattern.

I heard footsteps on the other side of the door.

"Elsa?" A foreign female voice sounded.

"Yeah it's me!" Elsa called back.

There was a loud screeching noise on the other side of the door, as if something was being pushed over the floor without being lifted.

The door was torn open, revealing a skinny pale woman. She was around my height, and her hair was pitch-black. Her eyes were piercing blue, just like Elsa's. If it hadn't been for Ofelia's insanely black hair and a bit more edgy facial features, you could have thought the two were sisters.

Ofelia's skin was as snowy white as Elsa's, and those pale pale blue eyes resembled the blonde's eyes so much it was scary. The black-haired woman appeared to be in the beginning of her thirties. It was hard to estimate her age, she might as well have been in her late twenties. But from what Elsa had told me, Ofelia was thirty-three.

The older woman broke into a ridiculously goofy smile when she opened the door to find Elsa and me standing next to each other. The black-haired woman suddenly appeared like a child. Or an older sister, ready to tease the crap out of her sibling.

"Oh Elsa, you should've told me you were bringing cute redheads over, I would've polished our silverware," Ofelia teased. Elsa didn't seem amused, but not annoyed either.

"What're you doing home?" Elsa asked, slightly accusingly.

"I could ask you the same thing Snowflake," Ofelia challenged raising and eyebrow.

Else sighed in defeat. Ofelia smiled in victory before turning to me.

"So who do we have here?" The older woman asked stepping forward to inspect me. Elsa took my hand protectively – or maybe just to calm me.

"Anna this is Ofelia," Elsa spoke and gestured with a hand towards Ofelia. "Ofelia, this is my Anna."

Everything seemed to stop for just a second. _My Anna? __**My **__Anna_. The way Elsa had said it. It made my heart warm.

"Aha, the famous Anna, we finally meet," Ofelia's grin turned wide and she glanced briefly over at Elsa. She must've also caught onto the possessive pronoun. Elsa's red cheeks confirmed my theory.

"Well let me have a look at you!" The black-haired lady exclaimed laughing.

Ofelia grabbed a hold of me and took a long hard look at me. She even spun me around to get me from every possible angle.

"Well aren't you a cutie," Ofelia concluded before pulling me in for a massive bear hug. In the corner of my eye I saw Elsa bury her face in her palm, clearly embarrassed.

"Alright kids, I have to go. Back to work. Don't do anything I would do – be safe and all that, don't want anybody pregnant!" The black haired woman laughed hysterically as she exited the door.

"Hold on, did you eat?" Elsa asked concerned.

Ofelia barely turned around. She smoothly corrected her scarf and zipped her jacket all the way up.

"Yeah why?"

"Are you going to be home late again?"

"Yeah why?" I could hear how dedicated Ofelia was to her older sister role. Truly being a pain in the ass, just as(s) Hans could be.

"Urgh, just go," Elsa gave up. Ofelia laughed squeezing Elsa's cheek before jumping down the few stairs.

"Have fun ladies!" And just like that Ofelia was gone.

I needed a minute to process what had just happened. Ofelia was probably the craziest person I'd ever met – we're talking Aunt Susan-crazy. A year ago, I would've loved Ofelia, but I still couldn't _feel _it. I knew I thought she was great though, but that was mostly because Elsa worshipped her. However, I could see her lively energy, which I had always appreciated in Aunt Susan, it was impossible to miss.

"Sorry about that… She has a thing for warm hugs. But that just means that she likes you," the blonde took my hand again and squeezed it lightly.

"Come on, let me show you around."

Elsa was happy. I could sense it. The meeting with Ofelia had gone well. She _liked_ me. I felt like I had just been given the blessing to be with Elsa. Ofelia's approval meant a lot to Elsa, I could see it. It meant a lot to me too of course, I just didn't have a way of showing it.

Elsa dragged me inside and closed the door behind us. She let go of my hand for a brief second to effortlessly push the big dresser in front of the door. I was guessing that was the sound I heard before Ofelia opened the door.

"The lock doesn't work, so whenever we're home we push the dresser in front of the door," she explained and took my hand yet again.

We entered the living room. The house was overall open and spacious. It would with no doubt be an absolutely wonderful house if someone were to fix it up. I could see Ofelia and Elsa had done their best to make it as homey as possible.

None of their furniture matched, and I was guessing that they had simply scraped together what they could find. There was a big velvety red lion foot chair placed in front of the fireplace. It looked cozy. I couldn't help but imagine Elsa and I snuggling up together in front of the warm flames, curled up in the large chair. I guess we would have to save that for later.

Next to the fireplace were a few buckets of water. Elsa walked over to turn on a lantern in the corner of the large room. The darkness had fallen upon us, and the lantern lit up nicely. Then she walked to the window and pulled down some heavy black curtains.

"We pull these down at night so people can't see the light," she explained. "And here we gather snow and ice to melt next to the fireplace, that's how we get clean water. We only light the fireplace at night so people can't see the smoke. And over here we have…." Elsa took my hand a dragged me through the house as she was explaining how everything worked.

I was so glad Elsa still didn't mind doing much of the talking. I didn't even have to think too hard about finding a response, and nodding would usually do. But Elsa made me want to try and at least think of something to say.

She kept going on about the small systems Ofelia and her had developed. She even taught me their knocking pattern. Elsa was proud of what they had built. And she had no reason not to be. It was amazing. I was left speechless on how the two women got by without electricity. Elsa explained everything they owned was battery driven mostly. They used light chains and battery driven lamps, but tried primarily to stick to the lanterns. Batteries still costs money you know.

They kept their food outside since it was plenty cold to keep their supplies at an appropriate temperature. Like I said, summer doesn't come by often anyway, so they really only had those few months a year where they were struggling with cooling down their food.

I observed the house carefully. All the walls had faltered with chips of paint dangling from the ceiling. The floors were worn down and creaked for every step we took. The staircase looked like it could give in any minute. Nevertheless, Elsa dragged me up the death trap she called stairs, and continued her tour on the second floor.

"The insulation in this house is extremely well done, so the cold nights aren't too bad – worst case we just sleep with our clothes on under the covers. The fireplace keeps us warm when it's really chilly outside, last year, Ofelia and I would drag our madrassas down to the living room and sleep in front of the fire. Oh, and this is my room," she added shyly.

The older girl let go of my hand. Elsa stepped inside the room and lit up a lantern. The room lit up, and revealed a large room again with wooden floors. The walls were a light blue and surprisingly preserved. The room didn't hold much other than a bed and a large stack of books. There was a small dresser in the corner along with a dusty old mirror. Finally, there was a nightstand next to the bed on which a book was laying open with a pair of reading glasses on top.

I noticed the bed in fact wasn't actually a bed, but a madras thrown on top of two layers of pallets. I had to admit it looked rather cool. Everything appeared so authentic. Elsa's room was neat and her bed was made. Elsa then stepped over to her bed and flicked a tiny switch by the end of the bed. Lights suddenly lit up underneath the madras, and tiny lamps were shining in between the pallets. My jaws dropped. She pulled down the heavy black curtain before retrieving back to me.

"It was Ofelia's idea, we got the light chain on a flee marked for 50 cents. Do you like it?"

"Elsa…" I lost my trail of thought, purely too amazed to even think straight. "This is amazing…"

"You… You want to try it out?" She asked suggestively.

I snorted. Elsa could make everything sound so innocent. I'm sure she should could even make a politician sound a nice person.

For the first time, it was me who got to do the dragging. I pulled Elsa with me and we laid on the bed together. Comfortable was probably not the word to describe it, but we could be laying on needles for all I cared. Because as soon as saw those blue orbs look into mine the whole world disappeared.

World War III could have broken out and I wouldn't have noticed it. Every trouble that had once haunted me faded into those two blue pools. It was like practice had never happened. I hadn't just had a discussion with my mother that same morning anymore, it felt like weeks ago. We were both laying on our sides; Elsa's hand had disappeared up under the pillow.

I wouldn't say I could've died happy at that very moment – I wasn't happy. But I surely could have died feeling a hell of a lot better than I ever had. So, dying at that very moment wouldn't have been half-bad considering I would be dying next to the most beautiful and pure creature on the planet.

It wasn't long until we couldn't resist anymore, and we both synchronically leaned forward to catch each other's lips. We both took a sharp intake of breath through our noses and closed our eyes. I scooted my hips forward, closing the distance between us.

Elsa's lips pushed gently onto mine. I didn't have the heart to kiss her roughly. Her lips were to be treated as the most beautiful painting in the world: with care. Instead I let Elsa take the control. She could decide how she wanted to treat that beautiful painting. And she decided to push her tongue between my already parted lips and into my mouth. She moaned in delight. As if I was the tastiest desert on the planet, (aka Tiana's banana pancakes).

Oxygen was the last thing on my mind, although my body suddenly seemed to crave it. Stupid body. Ergo, we broke apart, and ended up rested our foreheads against each other's. I wondered what it would feel like to feel Elsa's weight on top of me. This time in the art of loving-making rather than saving her from hypothermia. Hopefully, she was wondering the same thing.

Minutes passed with just Elsa stroking my cheek. I liked that our noses were almost touching.

"Elsa?" I whispered gently.

"Mhm?" She hummed, way too absorbed in caressing my cheek.

I hesitated. It wasn't because I was nervous. But if Elsa took it badly, this cuddle session would be ending too quickly for my preference. Maybe I should hold out just a tad longer? _Screw it…_

"… What are we…?" I mumbled, afraid to break the quiet atmosphere that had settled around us by using my normal voice. I was dedicated to letting Elsa decide what we were. I was alright with any label she had the intention of giving us, as long as things didn't change between us.

Elsa hardly looked up, still utterly focused on my cheek and the thumb stroking it. Then she took a deep breath through her nose – a thoughtful sigh. Before she spoke, she bit her bottom lip.

"You're my Anna…," she whispered, "and I'm your Elsa."

Simple as that. No 'we're just friends' or 'we're star-crossed lovers'. We were simply Anna and Elsa. I was Elsa's and Elsa was mine.

"Okay," I said and leaned forward, "I'm your Anna," I kissed her lips.

My Elsa kissed me back immediately.  
"And I'm your Elsa," she smiled under my lips.

After some gentle kissing, Elsa turned her back to me letting me wrap my arms around her. I could feel her butt pushing its way into my lap, and I pressed my chest against Elsa's back. I rested my chin on top of Elsa's beautiful hair. I was like a shield, holding onto her so tightly, nothing could harm her.

I didn't know what it was that made me so protective of her. Elsa just happened to trigger my inner protective instincts. Nothing should harm her. Not if it was up to me. I couldn't help but think Elsa _needed_ a little protecting. After so many years of taking care of herself and being on her own, keeping a safe distance from everyone, it doubtfully was a change for Elsa to finally have someone. I knew Ofelia surely had provided for her in any way she could. But working all night and day maybe hadn't provided Elsa with the love that she needed.

Elsa had never had anyone to hold her hand or tell her a bedtime story. Never had a dad to pick her up when she fell, or a mom to kiss her scratched knees.

Maybe I could be that for her.

Not a parent of course, those things could be unbearable. I would just be whatever she needed. I could hold her when she cried, kiss her when was feeling down, be the voice of comfort and love.

That's what I wanted to be for Elsa. That's what I wanted to give, now that I couldn't give her a house or an education. I didn't want to try and _save_ her, because Elsa had made it clear that she didn't need saving. Nevertheless, a part of me – a huge part of me actually – wanted her out of this house, out of this life. No person should live in constant fear of not being sure whether he or she would make enough for the day.

"You're so tense…" Elsa frail little voice mumbled so suddenly.

I only noticed my flexed muscles when she mentioned it. I hadn't realized I'd been flexing my jaw and shoulders. Coming to think of it, I couldn't remember the last time my muscles had been relaxed. I couldn't recall the last time I didn't have a headache because the tension in my forehead, or the last time I had let my legs dangle and be loose.

Elsa turned in my embrace.

"Lay on your stomach," she ordered sweetly.

The need to oblige didn't hit me, but I did as she asked. When I was stretched out flat on my tummy, Elsa straddled me from behind.

"Lift your arms," she insisted.

Yet again, I obliged, but only because it was Elsa. The blonde reached for the hem of my shirt and pulled it over my head. It wasn't exactly elegant in any way since my hair got tangled in my sweater, but we both just laughed, and Elsa tossed the sweater. I heard it hit the floor.

Elsa pale soft fingers found the hook of my bra, and unclasped it smoothly. Her touch send shivers down my spine. I wasn't sure whether it was from the cold or whether it was the touch itself.

"Relax," she leaned down a whispered in my ear. I felt her breath on the shell of my ear.

Her hands ran smoothly over my back, massaging it gently. Goosebumps settled upon the entirety of my skin. I had to bite the pillow when Elsa's hands moved to my lower back. My poor muscles were so tense it hurt.

"Gosh, you're so tense," the older girl mumbled worriedly.

Elsa spend the majority of the following hour to untangle my back muscles. I could practically hear her flinch whenever I groaned in pain. She would ask if she should stop, but I insisted that she kept going.

"Does this tickle?" She asked in all seriousness. She ran her a firm hand, applying light pressure, all the way down my spine. It did in fact tickle, but not pleasantly so. I nodded.

"Just confirms how tense your muscles are…," she mumbled worriedly.

When my poor muscles finally couldn't take anymore, Elsa's hand just caressed my shoulder blades. She trailed kisses down my spine. It tingled.

"Anna?" Elsa whispered a tad serious.

"Yes…?" I mumbled.

She placed another kiss, this time at the back of my neck. Then she leaned over me and hugged me from behind.

"I… I want to know… what's going on inside that head of yours. It's just… sometimes you're here, but not really _here_, you know?"

I shrugged, knowing exactly what she meant. But I didn't know where I went sometimes. At times, it was like it was merely my body that was left, and my mind was across the universe. Off doing better things presumably.

"There's not much going on in there..." my voice was weak.

"I know that isn't true Anna," she whispered kindly.

She hugged me closer, resting her cheek on my back. I felt her pointer finger draw small circles on my skin. Elsa had removed her large sweater, so that now she was only wearing her tank top. She was warming my naked back with her torso.

"Please let me in..." She whispered.

A tears slipped down my cheek.

"I'm broken Elsa. I can't... explain it."

This was the first time Elsa had pushed. She was gentle, but she was still pushing. I felt a pang of angst. I felt like I was standing in front of a thousand people having to explain. How can you explain something you hardly understand yourself?

"I don't want to push you Anna… but maybe just… try? Please? For me?"

I took a deep breath, filling my lungs and stomach with air before releasing.

I was a writer. Well, I wanted to be a _wanted_ to be a writer. But what kind of writer couldn't even find the words to describe what they were feeling? It was almost pathetic. A writer who can't put words on their feelings? That's kind of like a bird without wings. Like a clown that isn't funny. Like a fish with lungs instead of gills. Like a zebra without stripes. Like a… you get the point!

"I'm just so… tired. My head feels too big for my body. There's this tiny little person inside of me. She's holding me back. Grabbing hold of my ankles. She keeps making me fall whenever I try to get up. And you want to know what the scary part is? That tiny little person _is me_."

The tears were streaming down by now, and I could barely keep my shoulders from shaking. I buried my face in my arms, and Elsa just kept hugging me.

"Shh… it's okay," Elsa kept whispering as I wept. She didn't do much other than that except for hugging me closer.

"Something's seriously wrong with me… and I can't fix it…" I whimpered.

"Anna it's okay… we can fix it together. This is fixable. And you know why?"

I shook my head.

"Because I'm your Elsa, and I'm going to help you. You hear me?"

With that, Elsa spun me around. She was laying on top of me, and I'd simply forgotten I wasn't wearing anything. But that was okay, because this wasn't intimate in _that_ way. I buried my face in her shoulder, and we just laid there hugging each other until I was all out of tears.

My Elsa. _My Elsa._

I liked the sound of that.

Time passed and we hardly moved. I looked at my wristwatch. It was almost ten.

"Do you have to go home?" Elsa mumbled into my shoulder.

_Yes… my dad's gonna kill me if I don't make practice tomorrow…_

"No…. I can stay forever."

* * *

**A/N:** Hey guys! Next chapter will be out around December 4th – I have to move and stuff so…

Stay terrific! And thanks for your loving support :)


	11. Just Christmas

**Chapter 11 – Just Christmas**

Christmas was upon us. The small town of Arendelle was bubbling with Christmas spirit. I could hardly stand it. _Rub it in my face will ya!? Not enough that Anna Lykke can't feel a damn thing, but she can't even get somewhat excited over Christmas? Not the tiniest bit in Christmas mood?_

Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. The only reason being that on Christmas morning our house seemed to find some sort of peace. Everyone got along with each other. Even Hans would be nice to me, and not the arrogant bastard of a teasing brother he now was. We would even give each other a hug after opening presents. My parents would actually give their full devoted attention to just being with their children. It was as if Christmas morning was the only time we were a real functioning family.

Don't get me started on Christmas dinner though. Those things never turned out well. It would usually result in a heated debate about the tiniest most insignificant things. I couldn't recall a Christmas dinner where at least one family member hadn't left the table in storming rage. We would usually just ignore it at continue eating as if the person had never left. That's what this family was good at. Ignoring things.

I needed to get out of the house since my mom was going crazy with all the Christmas cooking. Honestly, I was hopeless in a kitchen, and was pretty much just in her way. So I decided to take my car and go wish Elsa and Ofelia a Merry Christmas.

I knocked the secret pattern on the door, which was followed by footsteps and a screeching noise. Ofelia appeared by the door, crossing her arms over her chest and send me a sly smirk.

"What's up Short-Stuff," she uttered.

I didn't know what to respond. How do you respond to that?

"Um…hi…" I said scratching the back of my head. "Is Elsa home?"

_Gosh you sound like a third-grader._

"Elsa your Ginger is here!" The older woman took a step back to yell.

"I have a name you know…" I mumbled.

Ofelia took a step forward and grasped my jacket to jerk me inside. I barely managed to stay upright. Damn that woman was strong. Ofelia laughed aloud.

"I know Honey, it's just fun teasing you. Actually, it's more fun teasing Elsa, you noticed how her face turns all red when you mention that thing on her hip?"

"Um… no."

"Oh, so you guys haven't…?" Ofelia asked with a raised eyebrow and a kinky wink.

"What? U-um, no. I-I mean," I stuttered, awfully surprised by the boldness of the question. _Gosh, she's just like Aunt Susan…_

"You hesitated."

"W-what? N-no I didn't!" I empathized while waving my hands defensively. Ofelia let out a goofy laugh.

Footsteps were approaching rapidly as Elsa stormed down the staircase.

"Whatever she's telling you is a lie!" Elsa called out.

Elsa reached the bottom of the staircase and slapped Ofelia's hand away from me playfully. She snatched my hand and pulled me towards her until she stood protectively in front of me. Ofelia laughed, and Elsa couldn't help but smile either. I wanted to smile too, because I honestly found the women's disputes funny.

"Relax Princess, I can behave," Ofelia send me another wink and patted Elsa twice on the cheek before retrieving to the living room. "Good seeing you again Anna!" She called over her shoulder and strolled off.

Elsa huffed a breath of air through her nose nervously. Then she turned around so that she was facing me. Her hands were resting on my chest.

"Sorry about her, she can be… yeesh," was all Elsa could say about her insane roommate. "Anyway, what're you doing here? Is everything okay?"

Before Elsa had any more time to verbalize her worries I cut her off with a kiss. That seemed to shut her up. Slowly Elsa managed to wrap her arms around my shoulders and leaned into the kiss. We stood kissing in the doorway until a rather obvious cough sounded from behind us. We broke apart, although still holding onto each other, and looked over our shoulders.

Ofelia was standing with her hands stretched out in front of her, making a square shape with her fingers, as if she was holding a camera. "Oh, I love it. It's so cute. You guys are like little baby unicorns," she stated while pretending to snatch a picture of us. Elsa's cheeks were blooming red.

_Little baby unicorns…? What the…?_

"Anyhow, I'm going to the market, hang in there guys," Ofelia grinned as she pushed past us. "Merry Christmas Anna!" She called over her shoulder before disappearing out of the door.

"Merry Christmas," I mumbled after her. I sighed once and turned my gaze back to Elsa, sending her a minor disturbed look.

"Gosh, you're moving up the latter. Ofelia loves unicorns," Elsa laughed. I couldn't help but laugh along.

I pulled Elsa in for a hug, and we rested our foreheads against each other. It was so nice just holding Elsa.

"I came to wish you guys Merry Christmas," I whispered sweetly.

The blonde smiled. A smile so wide it made her tiny dimples go deep.

"Merry Christmas to you too," she mumbled happily. "What are your plans for tonight?"

"A dreadful family dinner awaits at the Lykke household. Looking forward to see who's gonna storm out this year," I snorted.

Elsa's face turned into a frown, and her eyebrows came together. But I just kept trying to smile at her and kissed away that frown of hers. She wasn't too eager to just let me kiss away her worries, but finally she couldn't resist and leaned into the kiss, giving her all.

This time it was me who daringly pushed my tongue past her lips. Elsa unzipped my jacket to hug me closer. I felt her hands sweep past the thick layer of clothing. She pulled me closer and our hip collided. We pulled apart smiling. I cleared my throat.

"So… what's the thing on your hip?"

"I'm gonna kill her…," the blonde mumbled before she kissed me again.

* * *

As much as I would've loved to stay and make out with Elsa, I had to get home and change for dinner. I was positive Hans was back already, and my mother would with no doubt be mildly pissed at me for missing his arrival.

I burst through the door finding the living room was already packed with guests. My mother's parents were here, along with my brother. As if on cue, everyone turned their head as I stepped into the room.

"Where have you been?!" My mother fussed as I entered. She wiped her hands in her apron as she approached me.

"Go get changed right now," she hissed and pushed me towards the staircase. I hardly had time to greet my grandparents or Hans – much to my delight. Thanks mom.

I took my own sweet time getting ready, trying on multiple outfits to drag out the process. As I was trying on my high school cheerleading skirt (because now was indeed the time to check if it still fit) a knock sounded on my door. Aunt Susan entered and slumped down on my bed.

"Hey Sweet-Pea, how's the stalling coming?" She said nonchalant, studying her freshly painted fingernails.

I looked at her through the mirror. This would have been the moment where I would've rolled my eyes at her. Instead, I sighed and stepped out of my cheerleading skirt.

"I believe I'm quite successful," I muttered as I threw the skirt in the corner.

Aunt Susan snorted, finally resting her hand on her knee instead of observing her fingernails.

"So, how's Elsa?"

Her voice was calm and she asked as if Elsa was just another friend from handball practice, and not a potential love interest. My mind was too annoyed to think about Elsa – too preoccupied of the dreadful dinner that awaited. I decided to keep my answer short and simple.

"She's good."

Aunt Susan nodded, taking the hint. But I could feel she was trying to lead up to something. Therefore she cut right to the chase. A familiar Aunt Susan-move, no fingers in between.

"Do you plan on telling your folks anytime soon?"

The question hung in the air. Of course I wasn't planning on telling them, _Aunt Susan have you _met_ my parents?_ But I understood her concern. I had literally not even a faint idea of how they would react to such news.

"Look, no one needs to know for now. Okay? For all I'm concerned right now, mom and dad will never know about Elsa," I said certainly.

I pulled on a blouse and a pair of jeans. I was just about to redo my pigtails as Aunt Susan spoke.

"I respect your decision Anna. Just know that whatever you decide to do, I'll stand by you one-hundred percent. Alright?"

For a moment, I stopped doing my hair and looked towards my aunt. It was rare her face was this serious.

"Alright," I said and nodded. A smile tugs on the older woman's lips as she rises from the bed.

"Good. Now finish up, I'm freaking starving. And by the way, ten bucks on it being your mom storming out this year," Aunt Susan laughed.

"That's not fair, it's too obvious betting on the person who's walked out the past two years in a row."

"That's the thing my dear Watson," Aunt Susan said matter-of-factly while knowingly raising a finger towards me, "the world isn't fair."

We couldn't help but laugh a little. The words never really hitting us, no matter how true Aunt Susan had spoken. It was just so sad that you couldn't help but laugh just a little bit.

Aunt Susan corrected one of my braids before putting a hand on my shoulder, leading me out the door. Everyone was gathered in the living room – except my mother, who was with no doubt freaking herself out in the kitchen – making small talk.

Hans turned his head as Aunt Susan and I approached, finishing chewing his mouthful of Christmas cookies. Aunt Susan opened her arms wide, gesturing for Hans to come give her a hug. He obliged hesitantly, hardly making eye contact with his aunt.

"How's my favorite nephew?" Aunt Susan jittered.

"I'm your only nephew," Hans muttered.

"Which makes you my favorite!" She cheered, ignoring his tone of voice.

I knew Aunt Susan at times had a hard time seeing past Hans' arrogance. To me it was obvious that if Aunt Susan had had any other nephews, Hans would most definitely _not_ be her favorite. Although Aunt Susan was good at hiding her dislike towards her Hans, it wasn't hard for me to see through her façade. Let alone see through my brother's façade. That boy had for some reason always despised his aunt. My theory was that it was clear that I was Aunt Susan's favorite. However, the only reason for that was that Hans was clearly the favorite in the eyes of our parents. Despite my mother's constant fussing over me, there was no doubt that she was proud of Hans to the extend that if they for some utterly bizarre reason had to choose who would pass on the family genes, they would choose Hans.

She loved us both, she really did. Contrary in my father's eyes, where Hans was the Greek God and I was the peasant working in the field.

"Dinner is ready!" My mother suddenly called from the dining room.

She might as well have said, "Let hell break loose."

* * *

We were all gathered around the dinner table on Christmas Eve. The duck was placed in the center, shining with it's glazed skin. My mother was the last to sit down. She smoothed out her apron and fixed her hair before taking her seat.

I wasn't hungry, the tense atmosphere had me fed up already. It was always like this when my grandparents came to visit – the one's on my mother's side. My dad's parents had died long ago.

Now we were all gathered around my mother's ridiculously perfectionistic Christmas feast. Aunt Susan was sitting next to me, while I had Hans on my other side. He was sitting in his finest red Christmas shirt, going on and on about some lame sorority he had recently joined. Everyone seemed deeply engrossed in his college adventures, maybe apart from Aunt Susan – but we're talking about entertaining a woman who would practically wrestle an alligator for fun. Aunt Susan's elbow was popped up on the table, and clearly her and I were equally skilled in ignoring our mother's glare when such improper manners occurred.

It didn't seem to bother Aunt Susan, but it sure looked like it was bothering my mother. She wanted this dinner to go smoothly.

"This all looks lovely Adrianna," my granddad said to his daughter.

Everyone around the table agreed and kept eating. I'll just go out and say it: It was awkward. Even with Hans' lone monologue about the wonders of his college career, things still didn't feel at ease.

"So Anna, how's school?" My grandmother asked. Just as I thought it couldn't get more awkward.

I felt attacked so suddenly. I knew my grandmother was indirectly asking me whether I'd gotten my shit together.

"Mom, I told you. Anna is taking a little time off," my mother intervened with a delicate voice, sculpting her words carefully.

Her words hung in the air though, just above the duck, dangling in front of our noses. My dad took a sip of his wine.

"Oh, but how long is a little? I thought her break was over by now," her voice was stiff. The utter lack of empathy and understanding had my toes cringe. The way they spoke as if I wasn't even there.

"Anna is a bright girl, she should be in school," my grandfather added judgmentally. You should have seen the look on my mother's face. Her parents were indirectly blaming her and my dad for my failure.

"You know, why don't we talk about something else? The weather for example? That would be less painful to listen to," Aunt Susan shot in from the sideline.

My parents and grandparents all sat with stiff smiles on their lips. Hans was just eating, obviously not interested in the conversation unless it revolved around him. When no one was looking, I mouthed 'thank you' and in return Aunt Susan glanced over at me and send me a discreet wink. Then she returned to poking around her food with her fork.

"What about you Susan? How are things going with that… blog of yours?" My granddad tried. But the conversation was already doomed by the way he had said the word 'blog.' The word was said with such disinterest… such disgust.

"As the matter a fact thing are going quite swell, thank you for asking," she answered chipper. Only_ I_ heard the venomous undertone that was well hidden beneath the angelic daughter façade.

But my grandparents were pushing it when my grandma asked, "are you seeing anybody?"

Aunt Susan dropped her fork on her plate in defeat.

"Could we not get into the discussion of my love-life please," Aunt Susan begged, and uttered a sigh for the first time that evening. I must have sighed at least twenty times already, and I was impressed Aunt Susan had held it back this long.

"We're just curious Darling. We would all like to see you settle down with a nice guy."

Aunt Susan shrugged it off, taking a sip of her wine and leaning back into her seat. This wasn't the first time Aunt Susan had been called out on the lack of a man in her life. Sure, she was much younger than my mother, but my grandparents had admitted they would have liked to see her married long ago.

"When will that be you think?" My grandmother pushed.

Aunt Susan slugged the rest of her wine down, and swallowed it loudly.

"I don't know mother, can we not do this again? I'm not in the mood for another interrogation this Christmas," my aunt mumbled.

"Susan Honey, you know we only want the best for you. But those grandkids don't just make themselv-"

"Please mother! Would you just _shut. Up_?"

"Susan!" My grandmother uttered in a highly offended tone of voice.

Aunt Susan was out of her chair now, having pushed it back in one smooth motion. If I were ever to make a dramatic exit, I would surely have tipped over my chair, or perhaps slammed the door so hard a window would crack. Not Aunt Susan though. She was smooth.

"Don't you 'Susan' me! I'm sick and tired of the same questions each year. I'm a grown woman and I can make my own decisions."

My grandmother put down her cutlery. Everyone around the table was silent. Except Hans, he was still eating.

"Why do you have to be so stubborn? Goodness, I wish you could be more like your sister sometimes!"

And there it was. The thing we rarely spoke of. How Aunt Susan had grown up in the shadow of her sister. It wasn't my mother's fault. She just had a natural urge to please everybody, and live up to standards that were nearly unreachable. She set the bar high.

"Thanks for a lovely meal Adrianna," Aunt Susan said before excusing herself, making sure her napkin was disposed onto her dinner plate.

I wanted to grab her arm and make her sit back down. I didn't want to be alone with these people. My mom was the only person who looked mildly disturbed by Aunt Susan's exit. She loved her sister. But she couldn't help that she had always been the favorite. It had just been in her nature. But she loved Susan, and Susan loved her. I knew that. That's why it was so hard for me to see her leave.

Dinner continued relentlessly. We ate pie for dessert, and drank hot glögg in front of the fireplace.

I hardly said anything all evening. I sipped from my cup, and looked at our Christmas tree. I wondered what Elsa was doing right now. I had every intention of finding out.

* * *

I excused myself an hour later, saying I was feeling ill. I walked to my room and put on my hoodie and sports pants. On my bed I left a note saying I was out for a morning jog – just in case I didn't make it home before opening presents in the morning, which we usually scheduled for 8 o'clock in the morning. I pulled on my sneakers and opened the window.

"Come on Mr. Oak, just work with me on this one," I mumbled.

I wasn't exactly the picture of sophisticated grace climbing down that big old tree – but I made it. Quietly I pulled out my old bike from the garage. The car would make too much noise and it would be obvious when my grandparents left that I'd snuck out. I know, I know, 'Anna you're twenty years, you don't need to _sneak_ out.' But I did. Firstly, it was _Christmas_. Secondly, how would I explain _where_ I was going? And thirdly, I had practice in the morning after opening presents. Not with the team but with my private couch.

The roads were deserted. The snow was falling so peacefully from the black sky. There was no wind, making the snow land gently against my skin and hair. The streetlamp lit up a wave of snowflakes, igniting the thousands of dancing little flakes in its beaming light.

I took a left turn, turning off the road. Twenty minutes of hard pedaling and I was at the not-so abandoned houses by the edge of town. I was merely minutes from the fjord.

There was a vague light in one window, lazily attempted to be hidden behind a black curtain. It came from Elsa's room.

With two freezing hands I scooped up a handful of snow, and shaped it into a sphere. I launched it gently at the window – afraid too much force would actually make the glass disconnect from its frame.

Seconds later, a startled Elsa appeared by the window. Curiously, she peaked out from behind the black curtain. Her eyes were still wide until they fixated on me. Then her shocked expression turned soft.

She pushed open the window, it hardly bulged, but Elsa fought. Finally, it opened and she leaned out the window.

"Merry Christmas," she said in the sweetest voice.

"Merry Christmas," I said back. It was kind of like an agreement. This Christmas just turned merry.

We smiled at each other.

"So…" Elsa stated, biting her bottom lip. "Are you gonna stand out there all day?"

I shrugged. Honestly, I didn't know what I expected by showing up by Elsa's door. If she invited me in, or if we simply exchanged a few loving words on Christmas Eve, it didn't matter to me. I just wanted to see her.

"Ofelia isn't here?" I asked uncertain.

I wouldn't want to barge in on their Christmas.

"No," the girl huffed, "and even if she was, you would still have to come up here and kiss me."

I couldn't climb the stairs fast enough. There was nothing in the whole wide world I wanted more than to kiss Elsa right now. Of course, I'd forgotten about the dresser that blocked the door, although I was thankful Elsa was taking precaution. As soon as she opened the door, I slammed our lips together, and pulled her close to me. Elsa just managed to push the door shut before throwing her arms around my shoulders. She was just as eager to kiss me, as I was to kiss her.

The kiss grew less intense and more gentle. When we pulled apart, Elsa licked her lips and closed her eyes. Her forehead rested against mine, and she led one hand down to rest on top of my heart. It was beating fast. Elsa's nose touched mine.

"Where's Ofelia…?" I whispered, clearly distracted by Elsa's hand resting on my chest. Could she feel the intensity of it? How hard it was beating? Like the hooves of thousand stampeding stallions, that's how fast it was beating. Or at least how fast it felt.

"She's out…," Elsa whispered back huskily. Her voice was so sexy. "She wanted to wish a friend happy Christmas…."

"I see…" was my only response.

The tip of her nose tickled mine. My hands were restless, until I decided to hold firmly onto Elsa's lovely hips. That didn't last long however, because soon she pulled me towards the staircase. One step at a time, Elsa lead me towards her bedroom. We were almost by the end of the staircase by now. My heart was beating fast.

"Anna…?" Elsa whispered a little out of breath.

"Yeah?" I answered catching the sudden seriousness in her voice.

We just stood a moment in each other's arms. Elsa's mouth was hanging open ever so slightly. Her lips were a rosy color, and I couldn't help but think nothing was preventing me from kissing them.

"Have you ever done this before?" She asked nervously, releasing a shaky breath.

"Yes," I answered calmly. "Have you?"

Elsa didn't respond but merely shook her head. It was a mystery to me that someone as loving and beautiful hadn't had experienced intimacy. On second thought, Elsa had had more important and serious problems occupying her mind, no doubt outweighing the primal act of sex. Survival was the first concern, then came reproduction.

I wanted to reassure her that she was in gentle hands. That I was honored that I was her first, and I didn't take the responsibility lightly. Elsa didn't look nervous. In fact, she looked as if she was ready. There was no sign of doubt on her face. No sign of insecurity or worry.

"You're in safe hands then," I whispered in her ear.

Our lips met in a passionate kiss. I pushed open the door without breaking the kiss. I only broke the kiss as we fell over in the bed. I landed on top of Elsa, and reunited our lips once more.

The first time we made love was on Christmas Eve.

* * *

**A/N:** Wish I could've posted this even closer to Christmas.

Currently 4:30 in the morning, super jetlacked, hope this was readable.

Bonus: For those of you who may not know, Anna's last name "Lykke" means happiness or luck in Norwegian. Couldn't help but think about the lovely irony.


	12. Say Love

**Chapter 12 – Say love**

**Warning/heads up: **adult scenes.

* * *

The first Elsa and I had sex was the most beautiful moment of my existence. It was so pure, so simple and so innocent. Nothing like those hot messes you read about, or disgusting things you watch. No, nothing like that at all.

This was nothing like having gross and messy sex. This wasn't just 'a fuck.' We were _making love_. This was the kind of sex that had every cell in your body stir, as if they were getting ready to explode. This was the kind of sex that could change everything between two people. The kind of sex that had you smiling the whole next day, and maybe even the day after that.

It was calm and casual, and not such a big deal. Actually, it _was_ a big deal, but we didn't _make_ it seem big. It was one of those first times where your eyes connect and you're just having a silent conversation with your bodies.

You're moving as one.

One of those times where there is nothing between you, barely even air. We took everything so slow. I had time to caress her cheek. Time to smile at her, and have her smile back at me. There was no rush. There were room for mistakes, and room for laughs. It didn't have to be so serious.

I was on top of her. She didn't mind letting me take the lead. It was her first time after all. But Elsa was so calm and collected. As if, she was born to do this with me. That we were born to make love to each other.

I remember her breath against my neck. It was shuddering. My fingers were inside of her, and it was as if they were cut out perfectly just to fit Elsa. I was stroking her gently, careful when penetrating her for the first time. She let out a tiny whimper as I did, and I pushed myself closer to her so she could hold on to me. She was feeling my back muscles working. Our breathes became heavy. My face was buried in her neck. I was kissing it lightly.

I was pressed up against her naked body. In the beginning, her legs were wrapped around me, and I was simply pleasuring her. Elsa had other ideas though, and half-way through decided to slip a hand down there too. Her legs were spread so wonderfully, and I was placed in between them. As my fingers buried themselves in her womanhood Elsa carefully let go of me with one hand to search for my center. This caused for some readjustments, but soon we found the right position and we fit together like two puzzle pieces once again.

The mattress was comfortable, but the springs were rusty, and so the mattress was squeaking in the same rhythm as my thrusts.

Her hair stuck to her forehead, and she glistered just the slightest from the tiny layer of sweat. I felt the heat too as I pushed myself deep inside of her. She rewarded me with moans of utmost pleasure whenever I hit her sweet spot, letting me know whenever I did something right, and whenever I did something _really_ right.

She was very careful in the beginning, her fingers never exploring as much as I would have liked them to. But soon she found the right technique, and I rewarded her with a moan, along with a, "keep going."

At one point our eyes connected. Our mouths were slightly open both from pleasure, but also because breathing through our noses didn't provide enough oxygen to keep us going. Elsa then smiled at me and kissed me on the lips.

I'll never forget that smile.

Then she leaned her head back into the pillow and started working her fingers again.

We didn't come at the same time, but we were so damn close that next time we definitely would get it right. Elsa came first, and I felt her tighten around my fingers. She cried out, not loudly, but surely a high-pitched moan escaped her throat as she came undone underneath me.

The face she made when she came still replays in my mind sometimes. Her eyes were closed and she arched her back. Her mouth hung open as she gasped for air. Her body was shaking and her hands were trembling.

Just as she came down from her high, she pumped her fingers a few more times, as she was catching her breath and then it was my turn. Me, I just let out a shaky breath, feeling my whole body tense up as I reached my peak. Her fingers kept working letting me ride out my orgasm, something I probably should've done with her too, but she was driving me crazy and the explosion of emotions made my mind foggy.

It took some to come down from that breath-shuddering orgasm of mine. Elsa stroked my back, hugging me close as I was trying to catch my breath. I was laying on top of her, our breasts pushed together. Elsa was so soft against me. I could hardly believe it. Ever since that night where I'd found Elsa almost freezing to death, I'd wanted to lie close to her again. Preferably without any clothes separating us this time. And now here we were.

Elsa was shuttering, the cold finally making its presence. I guess when you're knuckle-deep into each other, you barely notice the sharp cold that's trying to in capsule you. My body stared trembling as well. Finally, as my breath was somewhat under my control again, I lifted my head. My body was heavy, and my head felt like it weighed tons. Either way, I lifted my head, pulling back only the slightest to catch a glimpse of Elsa.

My Elsa.

I couldn't actually believe it. I just had sex with my Elsa. It felt like yesterday when she asked me to kiss her for the first time. I had actually felt something other than nothingness. I had been scared to throw myself into being intimate with Elsa. I was worried I wouldn't feel anything. I was worried I wouldn't feel anything like the other's. Like the boy Tim I had experimented with in my first year of college. The boy who wanted to be more than friends, who I eventually gave into, only to see if it would evoke anything inside of me.

I used him.

I know that wasn't very nice, but I figured it wasn't such a big deal. He got to have sex, and I got to discover that I was an emotionally numb wreck who sought to sex as a distraction.

I was scared it would be the same with Elsa. And thank God it wasn't. I had actually felt something other than utter disgust towards myself. I still couldn't put words on the feelings. But one thing I was certain of: they weren't _things_.

I looked at my Elsa who was smiling gently at me. She pushed my bangs back, and they fell back over my forehead as her hand wandered down my cheek. She was stroking my cheek with her thumb ever so lightly. She had the touch of an angel.

And then I cried.

It wasn't like a hysterical sob, like the one time in the car, but more like silent tears trailing down my cheeks. Occasionally a sob would escape, shaking my shoulders, which simply made Elsa hold me tighter. The tears were a mixture of everything.

Happiness. Sadness. Love. Hurt. Fear. Hope. Lust. Relief.

Elsa held me close as the tears were dripping down my face, staining her beautiful naked skin. My head was resting on her bare chest, and she kissed the top of my head.

"I love you Anna," she said.

And gosh did I love her too. The mere thought of it just made the tears press on harder. I wanted to say 'I love you' back, but right now, I couldn't. Elsa understood though. She knew how big this was for me.

We laid for what felt like hours in each other's embrace.

I loved Elsa. I loved her with all that was left of my heart. With the few parts of my poor organ that was still alive. But those few parts loved her so dearly. They loved her with every fight they had left in them. Losing Elsa would kill those last parts of my heart. Then there would only be the tiny parts left that loved my family. I wasn't sure if that was enough to ensure a sustainable life. I guess it would have to do if Elsa ever was to fall out of love with me. You may notice how I said if _Elsa_ should ever fall out of love, and not both of us. I think I knew already then I would never stop loving Elsa.

But I couldn't tell her that. Because what if this feeling was gone tomorrow? What if it _was_ just a _thing_? I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that were to happen. I couldn't control anything that was going on inside my body. And when you can't control anything that goes on inside of you, and since it's a well-known fact that you can't control anything that goes on _outside_ of your body either, needless to say it leaves you frightened.

I didn't want Elsa to feel obligated to stay just because I loved her. I knew she loved me too, as of mere seconds ago, but if she was ever to move on with her life, I didn't want to be the one holding her back. I took what I could get. Elsa wouldn't want to be stuck with an emotional cripple for the rest of her life.

But goodness did I love her. I couldn't really remember what love felt like, but I imagined it was something like this. It still wasn't there completely, the feeling. Something was still holding me back. But I was going in the right direction. That at least, I could feel.

Elsa kept stroking a hand up and down my back until I fell asleep. We woke up in the same position. Me in Elsa's loving embrace, my head resting on her chest. Elsa's breaths were steady. She was awake. A slight feeling of dejavu occurred. I was brought back to the very first night we spend together. Although, at that time, the roles were reversed, and it was Elsa who was on top of me.

The sun peaked it's head out and nearly broke through those black curtains Elsa so sloppily had hung up the night before. I took a deep inhale and stretched my stiff joints.

"Good morning Sleepy Head," Elsa smiled as I slowly opened my eyes. I felt completely dehydrated from the tears I had shred the night before.

I wasn't much in the mood for talking, so instead I just kissed her good morning. Feeling Elsa's naked body against mine would never get old. As I stretched for the phone in my pocket, I felt tiny Goosebumps rise on her skin. I quickly snatched my phone and pulled the comforter back over Elsa and me. The clock read 08:13, and I had three missed calls from my mom.

I sighed heavily and rolled off of Elsa. I was flat on my back now, and it didn't take Elsa two seconds to roll onto her side and push herself up against me.

"You talk you in your sleep…," she mumbled out of the blue.

"Oh…," I said clearing my throat. So suddenly, I was nervous…ish. "What… what did I say?"

Elsa took a breath through her nose and kissed my shoulder. Her arm reached across me and rested over my stomach. She was drawing small circles on my skin, dangerously close to my breast. So close in fact I was almost turned on again, and wanted to throw Elsa on her back in a wild frenzy.

"You kept wimping 'Let me out of here.' And then your voice got so serious and you were begging for someone to save you. I tried to wake you, but you were sleeping pretty deep," Elsa kissed my shoulder again.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, feeling the sadness slowly swallowing me. I wasn't even safe in the arms of my Elsa.

"Don't be sorry," she said and reached to plant a hand on my cheek to turn my head. "I'm just worried about you…."

Her voice was barely a whisper, and I could see the fear in her eyes.

"Do you remember anything from your dream?" She asked quietly, snuggling closer to me.

"No," I answered while shaking my head just a tad. I swallowed hard, feeling as if my throat was closing up.

"It's okay, shh…," Elsa said as she saw the tear roll down my cheek. She pulled me in for a hug, so that we were both laying on our sides.

"Elsa… about what you said last night…" I mumbled, but unable to finish.

"It's okay Anna. You don't have to say it back if you can't right now. But I'm hoping some day you will," she pulled back and said hopefully, catching a tear working its way down my cheek.

My phone buzzed again, but it wasn't hard to ignore it.

"Maybe you should get that…," Elsa said in all seriousness.

I shook my head.

"They can go another hour without me, I'm sure," I said kissing Elsa's lips. She kissed me back, cupping one of my cheeks as she did.

"You have the softest lips," the blonde whispered as she pulled back.

That made me smile, and I gave another quick peck. In fact, I decided to sprinkle her with kisses, making her roll onto her back. I kissed every inch of her face, and Elsa was laughing begging me to stop, although I knew she didn't mean it. I was between her legs again, and her hands were on my shoulders, gently trying to push me away to stop the tickling bombarding of kisses. I finally heard her prayers, and gave her one last kiss on the mouth.

Resting on one elbow, I reached over to brush Elsa's hair behind her ear.

"Last night… I wasn't too rough on you, was I?" I asked worriedly.

The expression on Elsa's face was made of pure happiness.

"No, you were perfect," she breathed, "I can't wait to do it again."

Her response took me by surprise. I felt the blood rush to my head, and my cheeks started burning. Relieved that the girl had enjoyed our first time as much as I had, I felt the urge to scratch the back of my head and send her a shy smile. Elsa giggled, cupping my face with both of her hands now. Her fingers felt cold against my burning skin.

"That's the first time I've ever seen you blush," she laughed.

She was right. This was the first time I'd blushed around Elsa. Around anyone. I was slowly turning human again. Elsa made me human. I cleared my throat.

"Well, hopefully, it won't be the last time," I mumbled shyly.

"Hopefully not," she agreed, a wide smile creeping onto her face.

A thought entered my mind. Now it was my turn to smile. It was my turn to make her blush. I pulled off the covers, exposing Elsa's naked body. Elsa's eyes widened in surprise. I slid my hand all the way from her shoulder, over her breast, down to her hip. I remembered what Ofelia had told me. About how to make Elsa blush. Right there, on Elsa's hipbone, was a tiny birthmark. It was shaped a snowflake.

I looked up at my Elsa, and true enough, her cheeks started blooming red.

"I-it's just a birthmark," she stuttered. "I was born with it. Well, of course I was born with it, or else they wouldn't call it a birthmark," Elsa face palmed herself, and I laughed. For second it was like hearing myself rambling on about something.

I slid a finger over it, feeling the smoothness of her skin. Then I leaned down and kissed it. This made Elsa smile and her blush only grew deeper. I kept kissing it, before kissing my way up her torso and up to her lips.

"It's beautiful…," I whispered. And I wanted to keep kissing her. I didn't want to stop. "And who said anything about waiting?" I smirked playfully at the girl beneath me.

With that, I disappeared under the covers, thankful Elsa's legs were already in position. Out of utter surprise, Elsa sat up straight. Before she could protest, my hot tongue already licked the length of her womanhood. A gasp sounded from above, as my arms wrapped around her thighs.

"Not fair…," she whimpered. "I wanted to do it to you…" Her breathing was already struggled.

It was a lame protest the blonde mustered, because while she said it, her hand found my hair and pushed my face closer to her longing center. My tongue stopped rolling over Elsa's wet core for just a second only to say, "Well, life isn't fair darling."

We were barely halfway into it when we heard a knock on the door. I was ready to ignore it, but that was until I heard a way too familiar voice yelling on the other side.

"You get three seconds to readjust yourselves into appropriate positions!" Aunt Susan called from outside Elsa's bedroom door.

My head shot up, and I rolled of off Elsa, while I wiped my mouth with my wrist. Elsa looked startled, clutching the comforter close to her bare body. The door swung open and in stormed Aunt Susan, Ofelia right behind her. Elsa's cheeks were fiery red, and her blush spread to the tips of her ears.

"Get up sleeping beauties. Anna we gotta go, your mom is going ballistic. She's threatening to send out a search party for you."

Aunt Susan entered the room as if she had been here a million times before. She started to collect my clothes and threw them at me. Elsa simply sat in utter shock, pulling the blanket tightly around herself to cover her naked chest. I was covered alright, but that wasn't my number one concern. Ofelia stood in the doorway, arms crossed over her chest. I noticed she made eye contact with Elsa, and the older woman send a wink and a thumbs up.

"Aunt Susan…" I said in disbelief. The woman simply paced around the room searching for my dispersed clothes. "What're you doing here? How'd you know I was here?"

Aunt Susan just kept pacing, I had never seen her like this. Maybe she had been worried. I had just assumed she knew I was with Elsa.

"Look it's pretty damn hard to cover your ass when you pull stuff like this. You know better than not showing up for Christmas morning," she fumed.

To my surprise, Ofelia stepped forward, grabbing my aunt's arm.

"Easy now love, the girls were just spending a night together," the black haired woman soothed.

Suddenly, nothing made sense. '_Love_'? What the hell was going on? Maybe I should just ask.

"What the hell is going on?" I asked.

Elsa looked just as confused. Aunt Susan finally threw my shirt at my face, and put it on angrily. I was angry no one was telling me what was going on. Ofelia and Aunt Susan were now facing each, looking as if they were having a rather heated argument.

"I don't mind them spending the night together, but I mind that my niece stands my sister up on her most precious day of the year!" It was the first time I had ever seen Aunt Susan lose her cool.

"I know darling, but give the girl some room to breathe. Anna is just reacting to all of this. I understand why she doesn't want to go back after last night," Ofelia said in a gentle but stern tone of voice. I couldn't believe Ofelia was defending me. She hardly knew me, other than I was currently banging her roommate. That didn't sound right. Elsa and I didn't just 'bang'. Stupid brain.

Speaking of stupid brain, my brain couldn't find heads or tails in this mess. How did Ofelia and my aunt know each other?

"This happens _every_ year!" Aunt Susan argued.

"I know! You told me that. But Susan, this isn't supposed to happen _at all_. People aren't supposed to waltz out on Christmas Eve during a nice family dinner. No wonder the girl would rather want to spend the day in bed with her girlfriend!" The black-haired woman would shout back.

"That still isn't an excuse Ofelia! Especially not if she doesn't want to risk being caught and having to explain to her parents where she's been! I really don't think my sister and her husband would appreciate her daughter coming out to them on Christmas morning!"

The way they were talking as if I wasn't even there. It made me want run away. It made me want to hide under the comforter. Aunt Susan was using wild hand gestures, while Ofelia was standing with her arms crossed over her chest.

"Does it matter when she comes out?! If they don't accept it today, what makes you think they will accept it two days from now? Or two weeks from now?" Ofelia pointed out, and Aunt Susan rolled her eyes at her.

"I just don't want to ruin my sister's morning, that's all! Is that too much to ask?"

The shouting was giving me a headache. I had been too busy trying to figure out what was going on and listen to the two women fight about me, that I hadn't noticed Elsa had turned all tense and stiff beside me. Her jaw was clenched together, and she looked like she was about to cry.

"Can someone tell us what the hell is going on?!" Elsa suddenly shouted, overpowering the two older women and their disputes. The room fell quiet, and everyone's attention shifted towards Elsa.

"I won't have all this arguing in my room. Either you leave so Anna and I can get dressed, or you tell us what's going on right now," the blonde's voice was firm. Elsa wanted order - although, her cheeks betrayed her, and her face was flushed. She was rubbing her temples.

Aunt Susan was pinching the bridge of her nose, and sighed heavily.

"Get dressed. Anna meet me in the car in two minutes. I'll explain on the way," Aunt Susan's sentences were short. She still hadn't gotten her temper under control. Either way, I would still take Aunt Susan's scolding over my mother's any day. Aunt Susan could never stay mad at me for long.

The two left Elsa's room, leaving us to get dressed in privacy. Despite how serious the day had just turned, I couldn't help but sneak a peek as Elsa rose from the bed in all of her naked glory. She was still in on edge after the loud argument the older women had had. As soon as I had put my pants on, I walked towards her and wrapped my arms around her. She hugged me back, and rested her cheek on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry I got you in trouble…," she whispered.

"Oh Elsa, you didn't get me in trouble…," I breathed, touched by the girl's concern. "Either way… you're worth getting in trouble for."

Elsa huffed a breath of air against my shoulder, nuzzling in closer to me. When we pulled apart, the blonde snatched a tiny tear that was on its way down her cheek. I wiped her eyes and kissed her on the nose.

"Thank you for last night. I'll see you later," I mumbled, kissing her once more, "I gotta go figure out what's going on."

I left Elsa in her room. I regretted doing so, because as I looked back, I saw her arms were wrapped around her torso. She tried sending me a brave smile, but I didn't buy it.

As I reached the bottom of the staircase, Ofelia was standing by the door.

"I think you should check on Elsa… she seems a bit upset about what happened," my voice was strong for some reason. I think it was the protectiveness of Elsa that fuelled it. "… and… thank you for having my back."

"No problem Short-stuff," she smiled and winked.

I was about to walk out the door, but Ofelia grabbed my arm. Her tiny fingers were strong, and she held a firm grip on my upper arm.

"I'm only saying this because I think it says somewhere in the sister-code. But that girl is my freaking life. If you hurt her, I can't assure the consequences."

I sighed heavily. _I feel like it's going to be one of those days where people are just out to get me…_

I nodded at Ofelia's sisterly words and continued down the stairs. I dreaded getting into the car with Aunt Susan. First of all, because we were going to be driving home to my fuming mother, and second of all, because Aunt Susan still looked grumpy.

I got in and slammed the door behind me, fighting the urge to crank up the stereo and just ignore my aunt all the way to the house. But for once, I was actually curious. It had been a while since I'd shown this big of an interest in something – other than Elsa.

Aunt Susan pulled out on the road in silence. It took a while before she spoke, but when she did, I wish she hadn't.

"Sometimes I forget that you can be just as reckless as I can be," she stated.

Why did she have to get all mad at me? She was the one with the secret obviously. I knew staying away from Christmas morning was a lousy thing to do. I shouldn't have done it, but temptation had gotten the best of me. I was tired of being kept in the dark. I had to know what was going on with Aunt Susan and Ofelia.

"Are you gonna tell me what that was back there? How do you know Ofelia?... Are… a-are you dating her?" My voice sounded more judgmental than intended. I didn't care whether Ofelia and my aunt were dating. What bothered me was that she didn't tell me.

Aunt Susan nodded.

Before I could stop it, a laugh escaped my throat. Aunt Susan turned her head and send me an odd look. I couldn't help it. Ofelia and my aunt? I did not see that one coming. Those two were a crazy match. Quite literally – they were both insane. So actually, that made them perfect for each other.

At once things started to fall into place. My aunt being gone the time I had saved Elsa from hypothermia, and Ofelia never giving Elsa a reason for not showing up. Aunt Susan leaving the Christmas dinner, and Ofelia conveniently 'having to wish a friend happy Christmas'.

"How long?" I asked, still a bit weirded out, and perhaps a bit hurt she hadn't told me.

Aunt Susan cleared her throat. I saw her grip on the wheel tightened.

"Four years," she answered.

"Four years!?" I exclaimed. "Four years and you didn't think of mentioning it? You didn't even care to inform me that you were gay, after accusing _me_ of being gay?!"

"I wasn't accusing you of anything Anna. I was just given you a gentle push. I've known for years, I just wanted you to realize it for yourself."

"Gee thanks…" I snapped.

"Can I just explain myself please?"

"Be my guest! The floor is all your," I growled, making a hand gesture towards all the imaginary floor Aunt Susan could ever want.

"Listen, I didn't tell you because I didn't want your thing with Elsa to be influenced by what I have with Ofelia. I didn't want you guys to hold back because of us. You needed to figure out your own thing. I know Elsa wasn't exactly sure either," she explained.

Of course Ofelia had probably told everything about Elsa to my Aunt Susan. It almost annoyed me that she knew more about them and their history than I did. But again… I hadn't really asked. No, because I was respectful like that. Or maybe not. Maybe it was time for me to show a greater interest in Elsa's life.

"Let me guess, Ofelia told you that," I said, honestly a bit pissed.

"Yeah, she did. She's told me a lot about Elsa and their situation. I knew exactly who she was when I found you guys in your bed that morning."

Of course she knew who Elsa was when she saw her in my room that morning. Of course! Because telling Anna wouldn't be a significant factor in this messed up situation. _By the way Anna, I'm banging Elsa's favorite person in the world – but that's not important, so I'll just pretend I have no clue who this hot blonde who just waltzed out of your room is. I'll just make you look stupid with all the important info I got, which I have no intentions of sharing with you…_

This whole thing made me consider what else I didn't know about my aunt. Who knew? Was anyone supposed to know? What had she really spend her time during all of her time on the road? For all I knew, she could be a bear-wrestling astronaut, or a spy watching my every step. _Okay, now you're just being dramatic, Lykke._

"… does mom know?" Was the first thing I asked. It felt important. We would soon be back at the house, and I needed to know how to play this.

"No," Aunt Susan said quickly. "No one knows. I didn't want your parents to think I was some contaminating virus. I thought it was best that they didn't know, so when you came out, I could talk some sense into them, instead of them thinking I was the one who did this to you."

I was touched by how protective Aunt Susan was of me. It seemed as she had thought everything through. Although, I wasn't sure whether I agreed with most of her choices. Sure, she didn't have to tell my parents – that was probably a wise choice – but me? The fact that she hadn't told me about any of this, that hit me hard.

"… so you've been meaning to tell me, that you've seen Ofelia for all of these years without anyone knowing? How does that even work? You aren't even here half of the time."

_Stop sounding like an offended teenager. If you stopped acting like a spoiled brat about this, maybe Aunt Susan would trust you with such information another time._

"Ofelia and I have been on and off a couple of times, but I always end up coming back to her. She's okay with my constant travelling, and I know that she has a life here with Elsa she can't leave… but Anna this time its different. I'm staying for good this time. I'm done with the life on the road. I want to be here with you. With Ofelia – and Elsa of course."

The anger swelling inside slowly started to evaporate. Aunt Susan was staying? Not only was she staying, she was staying for my sake – and Ofelia's of course. My voice started to lighten a bit. I could see Aunt Susan had given this a lot of thought. Everything she had done – telling me or not telling me – she had done for selfless reasons.

"Why haven't you moved in with Ofelia? You could buy a place here in Arendelle," I mumbled encouraging.

Aunt Susan sighed, and I could see her shoulders drop, losing their tension.

"I can't afford it Anna," she said while her eyes were on the road. "I can't even afford a place of my own, why do you think I've been living with you guys for so long? How would I be able to provide for both Elsa and Ofelia when I can hardly provide for myself? On the road, I just made enough money to get through the day. I've never struggled, because I have a secure network of family and friend. Something that Elsa and Ofelia doesn't have."

She was right. Both Aunt Susan and I had something to fall back on if things didn't work out. We had a safety network. Elsa had lost her parents and Ofelia was kicked out. What stroke me the most was that Elsa and Ofelia were both missing puzzle pieces. They had managed to get out of the system, and still hiding underneath the couch. But looking at the now, it was heartbreaking to see what had become of them. I couldn't help but hate the world. Was this really it? Either be part of the system, or thrown on the street?

"So you're just gonna stay in the closet forever? What happens if I ever tell mom and dad? Are you just gonna pretend for the rest of your life, just to protect me?" I wanted to feel guilty, but I was overwhelmed by so many other emotions. It was still too much. I guess the night with Elsa still filled me the most. My body wasn't handling all this reoccurring feelings so well yet. I became too overwhelmed too fast.

Aunt Susan snickered.

"Of course not Sweet-pea. I love Ofelia, and one day I'm going to tell the whole world. But I want you find your feet first. I know you've been having a hard time, and I think coming out to your parents on top of all of that ain't gonna end well. So please don't worry about me Anna-bear. Just do your thing, and know that I've got your back, and I'll handle my own things, alright?"

Silence.

I was filled to the bursting point with all these weird intense feelings. I was about ready to hurl. They were occupying my everything. I swallowed hard.

"Alright," I sighed. It sounded strained.

I needed to change the subject. Right now. Or else I would have to ask Aunt Susan to pull over, or simply vomit out the window.

"So you and Ofelia huh? How'd that happen?" I asked, rolling down the window, and taking a deep breath. The fresh air soothed my lungs and I felt better.

A smile spread across Aunt Susan's face now, I could see the joy in her eyes. The tension in the air was gone, and I could feel the nausea settling.

"Funny story actually, I was out cow-tipping one night on the fields just by the edge of Arendelle, super drunk I might add. That's where I met an equally drunk Ofelia doing the exact same thing," my aunt said giggling.

_Crazy people_, I thought. Only Aunt Susan could start a story out with 'one night I was out drunkenly tipping cows, and that's where I met the love of my life.' It was quite admirable actually. I guess it almost beat 'walking home one night discovering a girl nearly freezing to death, for then to take her home and grind your half naked body against hers to warm her up.' Maybe Aunt Susan wasn't crazy at all. Perhaps I just hadn't discovered how crazy _I_ was yet.

Her beautiful long brown hair was tied back, really giving me the opportunity to watch joyful her face became when she talked about Ofelia.

"We were so in love – still are. Every time I would come back to Arendelle, it was as if no time had passed. We've kept it hidden from Elsa because I would only be here for weeks at a time, and I wasn't exactly the perfect role model at that point – your mom is right about some things, you know? Anyway, we were going to tell her this time around, because I'd decided to stay. But then you guys became a thing, and you were so adorable, so we just wanted to leave you alone for a little while."

I smiled by the thought of Ofelia and Aunt Susan discussing Elsa's and I's relationship. How they secretly tried to protect us, even before we became an item.

I looked out the window and discovered we were home already. Aunt Susan was already on her way out the car.

"You ready short-stuff?"

I groaned loudly.

"Please, not you too!" I complained. It was enough that annoying nickname had stuck with Ofelia.

My aunt laughed, and we walked towards the house together, her arm draped over my shoulder. Hans' angry face was the first thing I saw as I walked through the door.


	13. Ice Birthdays

**Chapter 13 – Ice Birthdays**

"… _But I am scared. I am so terrified. My blood runs cold every time I think of it…,_" I read aloud as I wrote ferociously. I was typing what seemed like a million words a minute. I couldn't risk forgetting the few words of inspiration that had hit me as I was getting dressed. Finally my creativity ran out, and I clicked 'save' on the document.

Then I returned to my wardrobe, and pulled on a shirt. My hair was still damp after my shower. Practice had beat me down pretty hard today. My coach had repeatedly yelled at me, telling me to get my head in the game. I was about ready to break out into song, full Troy Bolton style, telling him who could stick it where the sun don't shine. But I didn't. Because I knew I was on thin ice.

Staying away on Christmas morning wasn't one of my smartest moves admittedly. My mom had taken it pretty hard. Hans didn't speak to me for the remainder of his stay. I didn't think it meant that much to him too. My father didn't say much. He just threatened me that if I didn't go to practice, I would have to start paying rent.

I was almost at that point where I was ready to pay a million dollars just to get out of it. They would be money well-spent according to my mind.

Hans had gone back to college to celebrate New Year's with his friends, my parents had gone back to ignoring each other, and Aunt Susan had gone back to… well, she hadn't really gone anywhere in the first place.

The house was back to normal, and it was now the 27th of December. It was Elsa's birthday tomorrow. Twenty-two years old. Yes, I am dating an older woman. Elsa had clearly stated that she did not – and I repeat – did not want anything for her birthday. And I was going to respect it even though my fingertips were tingling from the urge to buy her a new pair of boots, or a new pair of gloves.

I thought about making her something – like a mix tape. But she didn't have anything to play it on, so again, I guess it would be like shooting yourself in the foot. Maybe some chocolates? I guess that was something.

However, deep down, I knew what Elsa wanted most in this world right now. Elsa's dearest wish for her birthday would be that I said I loved her back. The thought made my stomach tighten.

I couldn't.

Why couldn't I? Why couldn't I just tell her that I loved her?

I couldn't figure out why entirely. You remember I told you how much I hate saying something that I don't really feel, right? Like when I pretended to be embarrassed in front of Elsa, even though I wasn't?

Well… what if it was like that? What if I laid out the big L and it just felt like I was pretending? What if the words felt artificial on my tongue? As if my love was just made of plastic and Elsa's was made of solid metal.

As much as I wanted to give her my heart on her birthday – and trust me, there was nothing in the world I wanted to do more – I wasn't in any position to hand it out. It was too broken for that. I was too broken for that. Imagine if someone gave you a present for your birthday, and it was completely wrecked. Imagine getting a TV with a cracked screen, completely out of order. I couldn't give Elsa a heart that was glued together, and still falling apart.

A thought popped into my mind.

There was one thing I_ could_ do.

I could _show_ her how much I loved her.

* * *

"Wake up Banana-Bear," Aunt Susan whispered and pulled off my comforter.

_Damn that's cold._

I rubbed my eyes and stretched my limps.

"Is it time?" I whispered.

Aunt Susan just nodded and threw her flashlight in the air just to catch it again.

"Alright, just give me a sec," I mumbled as I got out of bed.

Quickly I pulled on the clothes that I had laid out. I'd even laid out my gloves and beanie. Swiftly I pulled on the hat, and snatched the flashlight I'd hidden under my bed.

"Get moving Feisty-Pants, we don't have much time," Aunt Susan rushed.

I suppressed a growl. I tied my shoelaces, and I was ready. Aunt Susan stood in her jeans and leather jacket. She claimed she never got cold. I didn't believe her. But she was a grown woman, and I wasn't going to the one telling her to put a coat on.

"You got the candles?" I asked before we left my room.

"Everything is packed and ready. I've got the shovels in the trunk. The candles and match sticks are in the front seat," my aunt informed.

"Great, let's go," I said.

We tiptoed out of my room and down the stairs. The house was asleep. I flinched as I stepped onto the creaking staircase. We made it out of the house without getting caught. Aunt Susan got into her car, and I started pushing it out of the driveway. Ever tried pushing out a Range Rover in the middle of the night on icy pavement? Let me tell you, not easy.

The streets were deserted, and snow was lightly drizzling down from the sky. I tried heating up my hands on the way there. It was way below freezing. Aunt Susan hummed along to a song on the radio.

"Thanks again for helping me with this Aunt Susan," I said.  
"No problem Sweet-Pea. I'm sure she'll love it. Plus it was your idea, I'm simply following orders. I told Ofelia by the way," she added.

We reached Elsa and Ofelia's house, but parked a few houses down. I threw the bag of candles and match sticks to Aunt Susan, and picked up the shovels in the trunk.

"What's the time?" I asked.

"11:22. Plenty of time," the brown haired woman uttered. "Not a word when we reach the house, got it?" Aunt Susan said with a mischievous smirk.

"Got it," I agreed.

Aunt Susan could hardly restrain herself from laughing as I slipped in a rather large frozen puddle. I swatted her across the shoulder when I finally got up.

We were in Ofelia and Elsa's front yard. Elsa's window was pitch black. It wasn't just because of the heavy black curtain – I was quite positive the blonde had gone to sleep.

We went to work. Aunt Susan was digging snow while I let my creative mind wander. Half an hour later, we were looking at a huge sign made out of snow saying "Happy Birthday Elsa." We were applying the final touches by placing candles along the outline of the letters. It truly was beautiful if I had to say it myself – even from down here. I wondered how much more amazing it would look from Elsa's window.

"Looks pretty great Feisty-Pants. What did you decide to sing to her?" She asked in a playful whisper.

"I wasn't planning on singing anything," I said half-annoyed. Aunt Susan persisted that it would be absolutely hilarious if I were to get on one knee and sing a serenade to Elsa.

"Sure you are," she whispered, obviously about to crack up.

"I'm not singing."

"Whatever you say Pumpkin," she laughed and winked. "Well, you're on your own. I'll be around back with Ofelia. Good luck!"

And like that, Aunt Susan was gone, swallowed by the darkness of the night. Honestly, I hadn't planned out what I was going to say to Elsa. Maybe I should just stand there and look cute as she pulled her curtain aside. That's exactly what I should do. I waited until the clock stroke twelve. I heard the bells chime a few blocks away. Then I picked one of the tiny stones in my pocket, and threw it at Elsa's window.

Nothing.

Elsa wasn't a heavy sleeper, but I was guessing I hadn't thrown the stone hard enough. I threw another. And then another. I was scared that I might break the glass in my eagerness.

Finally, as the fourth stone hit the glass, a light turned on and broke the darkness. Slowly, Elsa's cute little face peaked out. Her eyes were huge. Her expression could be closely resembled to a deer in headlights. Her petite figure now revealed itself completely as she tore away the curtain. She covered her mouth with of her hands, and I couldn't help but smile at her surprised reaction. I wasn't entirely sure, but from where I stood it looked like her eyes were glistering.

Finally, she opened the window and leaned out just the slightest. She was speechless, and one of her palms still hadn't left her mouth. Elsa was so real as she stood there. I'd never seen a person react more genuine and honest. She was touched, and I could almost tell that her swollen heart was about the leap from her chest.

"Anna…," she said in disbelief.

"Happy Birthday Elsa," I said in response. Not that it wasn't obvious that I was wishing her happy birthday – it was freaking plastered on the ground in massive snow-letters and fire.

Thinking twice about it, it resembled Elsa and I pretty well. We were ice and fire. Practically opposites. Day and night if you like. But never had two things flown so well together. It was scary how easy the two could kill each other, ice and fire I mean. How easy ice could kill a flame, or how easy fire could melt an ice-tap. But together they were still so beautiful.

"Oh Anna…," Elsa sniffled, and I guess I was right when I said that I'd seen her eyes glister before, because now tears were rolling down her cheeks.

I was about to run up to her so I could kiss the tears away, but two loud shrieking noises sounded as I was about to take off. Aunt Susan and Ofelia came running into the front yard, singing at the top of their lungs and spraying confetti everywhere. The two lunatics (whom I just noticed were wearing party hats) surprised Elsa as they continued to sing and dance around the letters on the ground. I couldn't help but smile and observe them in awe. Ofelia danced around me and placed a party hat on top of my head. Now both Aunt Susan and Ofelia were blowing their party horns as they wildly dispersed more confetti around the snow-covered garden. I honestly thought my ears were going to fall off by that eardrum-bursting sound of those godforsaken horns. I had been too in capsuled in Ofelia and Aunt Susan's dance that I hadn't noticed Elsa wasn't standing by her window any longer. I was about to turn around to go inside and look for her, but I ended up running directly into Elsa. She had just thrown on her boots and jacket to come and join us in the bonfire-snow party.

Before I knew it, Elsa had thrown her arms around me, said, "I love you so much," and pulled me in for a kiss. Ofelia and Aunt Susan were cheering now, and continued running around like five-year olds.

Elsa was smiling under my lips, and the smile ensured me that I shouldn't feel bad for not saying 'I love you' back. Elsa knew. She knew how much I loved her. She could just look around her front yard, and she wouldn't have a doubt in her mind how much she was loved. The front yard was packed with nothing _but_ love. Love from her sister. Love from her new sister-in-law. And last but not least, love from her emotionally handicapped girlfriend who couldn't express it any other way than to wake up in the middle of the night to freeze her fingers off in making a huge-ass happy birthday sign out of snow and candles. If that didn't show something, I wasn't sure what did.

Elsa and I stood in each other's embrace for a little moment longer. We snuck in a kiss in between smiles and happy glances at each other.

"Was this all your idea?" Elsa asked in a small but happy voice.

My hands were on her hips, and hers were wrapped around my neck. Our noses were touching, and the tip of hers tickled mine. Our stomachs were pressed together, that's how close we were standing.

"The letters and candles were my idea. But that massive amount of crazy, that was all Ofelia and my aunt I guess," I smiled. That's right. I smiled. It was hard to keep the smile away, and honestly, I didn't even want to try and suppress it.

The entire situation was just too bizarre. Here I was standing in front of this perfect woman – a woman I could call my girlfriend. I mean, three months ago I was as straight as an arrow (or so I'd thought). The fact that I was not only standing in front of the perfect woman (whom I could call mine), I was standing next to my aunt who was standing in front of _her_ perfect woman.

"You're the best birthday present I could've ever dreamed of Anna Lykke," Elsa laughed with joy, and grabbed my collar to pull in for another kiss. If I had known Elsa was going to bombard me with such passionate kisses I would surprise her more often. I wonder how many kisses it would buy me if I rented a plane and wrote her name in the sky. Maybe I should check the prices of that…

The sound of a party-horn next to my ear nearly ripped my poor ear apart, and I broke away from the kiss to cover my ears with my hands. Elsa did the same while she shot her roommate a warning look.

"You guys are so boring," Ofelia laughed. She was a bit out of breath. The two goofballs were finally done dancing their ridiculous birthday-celebration-dance. Aunt Susan walked over and draped an arm over my shoulder, and Ofelia did the same with Elsa. Elsa couldn't help but break into another massive smile as she leaned closer against her friend.

"Come on, let's go inside. I brought hot coco," Aunt Susan suggested and started walking towards the house, dragging me along under her arm.

"I'll start up the fireplace," Ofelia cheered and ran ahead dragging the poor birthday girl after her in one hand. Aunt Susan laughed as the strong, tiny, black-haired woman nearly had Elsa tumble up the few steps and dragged her further into the house.

Aunt Susan let go of me and I corrected my braids, which my aunt apparently had made her mission to mess up. I gave up on them and untangled them, for instead to settle on a messy bun.

"You sure as hell made that girl happy Anna. I'm so proud of you," the brunette said and ruffled my hair once more. I couldn't even get angry with her for making my hair unruly, because that look of pride and joy in her eyes simply made me forget about it. I knew she really meant it. Mostly because Aunt Susan wouldn't say stuff like that if she didn't stand by her words with every fiber of her being, but also because she for once used my real name.

I wanted to tell Aunt Susan how much I loved her. How much I appreciated everything she had done for me. How she had protected me all these years without me even knowing it – I wanted to tell her that she was one of my favorite people in the world. That I couldn't express my gratitude enough for this damn woman, and that I'd probably have to name my first born after her just to show her.

But since I was only a master with words on paper and never in verbal form, I simply grabbed her by the elbow and pulled her in for a crushing hug. She hugged me back immediately.

"Thank you," I mumbled into her hair, and Aunt Susan gave me a tiny squeeze.

"I've got your back Banana-bear," she mumbled back in a joyful tone. I'm sure she would've given me one of her standard Aunt Susan over-self-confident winks if I'd actually been able to look her in the eye. The moment didn't last so long. Well, the matter a fact, it only lasted until Ofelia earsplitting voice roared form inside the house, saying, "get your butts in here you two! We're only waiting to drink the coco to be polite, and honestly, it's usually only Elsa who's this well-mannered, so don't push it!"

Aunt Susan rested an arm over my shoulders as we approached the house. Sure enough, Elsa and Ofelia were sitting in front of the fireplace holding two steamy mugs of hot chocolate. Ofelia was sitting on a madras the two roommates had maneuvered (read: thrown) down the stairs from Elsa's room. The pale woman teasingly took a big gulp of hot chocolate, and spread across the madras so there was absolutely no room for Aunt Susan.

Elsa was sitting in the red lion foot chair, her legs were pulled up underneath her. She was warming her hands on the mug. Her boots were discarded on the floor behind the chair, and she'd taken off her jacket and wrapped herself in a woolen blanket. I wanted to take a picture of her right here and there. I would name it "Elsa in All Her Cuteness" - a collection by Anna Lykke.

As Ofelia would torment my aunt with the lack of holy madras space, Elsa's glimmering eyes would look up at me and she would her place mug down on the floor. Elsa untangled herself from the cocoon of blanket she had herself swathed in, and her feet found the floor. I wanted to protest, because my cold heart could hardly stand Elsa getting up for my sake – I would happily have settled for the floor if only she'd remained as delicately kissable in that chair.

Her socks were a size too big for her, and they hung around her angles. With one tip-toey step towards me, Elsa held up her arms so the blanket looked like bat-wings. She hugged the blanket around me, and pushed me towards the chair. When I was securely placed in the large velvety red chair, Elsa gracefully climbed onto my lap. Her feet would dangle over the armrest, and I would separate my legs just enough for Elsa to sit between them. Her head leaned onto my collarbone, and I pulled my arms around her along with the blanket that was easily big enough to swallow us both.

Elsa let out a relaxed sigh as we had finally settled, and my arms were secure around her. I was worried her feet might get cold, since they were hanging over the armrest and the blanket didn't reach that far. The girl in my lap swiftly raised her head until her lips were dangerously close to my ear.

"You can relax Anna," she whispered gently. "Your muscles are so tense all the time."

I hadn't been aware that all of my muscles were completely contracted, and utterly cramped together. Elsa placed a hand on my cheek, and turned my head down towards her. Ofelia and Aunt Susan was having a private conversation of their own, and hardly paid us any mind.

"You're in complete fight-mode all the time…," she mumbled worriedly. "Give me your hand, and just… breathe." Her voice was so soft and sweet that I could do nothing but oblige.

She started massaging my hand. If we'd been alone she'd with no doubt instructed me to lay on my stomach so that she could give me another of her killer massages again. After a little while, my stomach uncurled itself, comforted by the thought that I couldn't be safer than right here in my lover's arms.

"Look Susan… they're so cute," I heard Ofelia gently mumbled into Aunt Susan's ear. I don't think we were supposed to hear, and I was quite sure Elsa actually didn't. Ofelia was placed between my aunt's legs, leaning her back against her, whereas Aunt Susan would wrap her arms protectively around her lover.

The two were glancing at us, as if they were proud parents looking at each of their children happily in love. I didn't pay they much mind. I was too focused on Elsa. A zombie apocalypse could've broken out, and I wouldn't have noticed. I would happily live a life of obliviousness, if it meant it could be spend within these four walls with Elsa. It's funny how quickly you can become dependent on a single person. But with Elsa as my temporary joy, perhaps I could soon learn to find joy in other things again. Perchance I could even find joy in writing again soon.

The fire was crackling, and the flames tried to lick the top of the chimney. Elsa fell asleep in my arms. Twenty-two years old, but she still slept like a baby in my embrace. I carried her to bed when the fire died out, and Aunt Susan and I made our exit. Ofelia pressed a soft kiss to my aunt's lips upon our leave. She kissed me on the forehead before we headed out the door. I had a bubbly feeling in my stomach.

I tried to convince myself it was the hot chocolate sloshing unsettling around in my stomach, but you and I both know that Elsa had everything to do with every single one of those bubbles.

* * *

**A/N:** I don't know what to say you guys. Your reviews are just so heart-warming. Thank you :')


	14. The Talk

**Chapter 14 – The Talk**

I was uncomfortable in my chair. It wasn't because it was made of nails or anything. It definitely wasn't made of nails. That would be insane. I guess it wasn't the chair that was making me uncomfortable. It was probably the fact that Dr. Hudson was sitting waiting expectantly in front of me. He'd asked me a question, and I didn't dare answer it. Not yet. Probably not ever.

"Anna?" The doctor asked gently, his voice carried such kindness. I almost wanted to believe in his kindness. But something inside of me told me that I shouldn't. After all, if I confessed – if I told him about Elsa and Ofelia – who knew whether it would remain confidential. He was friends with my mother. I had crossed enemy lines.

"Did you hear my question?" He asked, now with a sense of worry in his voice. His shirt was so neatly tucked into his pants. Dr. Hudson was a lovely looking man. His dark skin contrasted so nicely to his blue dress shirt. I wondered if my mom ever had a thing for him.

My hands were resting on the armrests. Resting would probably not be the right terminology to use in this case. My hands were more likely clutching onto the armrests, nails clawing into the material. My thighs were tense, and no matter how hard I tried, my legs wouldn't relax. It was exhausting. In my lack of response, Dr. Hudson permitted himself to repeat the question.

"I asked if something had changed recently. You seem different. A good different," he smiled and raised his eyebrows. I fixated my eyes on him, and he looked back at me encouraging. His eyes were so brown you could hardly distinguish pupil from iris. I'd never really looked at Dr. Hudson before. Not _really_.

"Perhaps a person could have something to do with it?" He suggested curiously.

I felt my pulse pound in my neck. What if he knew? I guess it wouldn't be the end of the world. The thumbing of my blood sounded loudly in my ears. My mouth remained pressed together in a thin line. I felt naked. So, instead of just shaking my head, I answered him with a question.

"What do you mean by different?" I asked. It wasn't until I looked back upon this conversation with Dr. Hudson I realized how defensive that had sounded.

The man merely shrugged though, and his teeth revealed themselves in a wide smile. He put his notebook down on his lap, and removed his reading glasses smoothly.

"Well, usually by now, you would've been looking restlessly at the clock," he said gesturing towards the ticking device on the wall. My hands were still clutching onto the chair as if it was to rise on its four legs, and try and throw me off. "Your legs would normally bounce uncontrollably, and if you hadn't realized, just mere seconds ago was the longest you and I ever made eye contact. I didn't know you had green eyes," the man teased kindly. His voice was so deep. He should've narrated an action trailer. Even Morgan Freeman could be jealous of this man's voice.

I hadn't realized how reluctant I had been to make eye contact with him before. Now that he was pointing it out, I had to admit he had a point. I couldn't explain why. It was like Dr. Hudson had these x-ray eyes that could look through everything. Not bones and organs and stuff, but gross stuff like emotions and feelings. I looked down at my hands, who were still clawing themselves to the fabric of the chair. Curling my hands into fists, I rested them down by my sides. I took a deep breath through my nose, and looked deep into Dr. Hudson's eyes. He rewarded me with a smile. I wondered if this was how Dr. Hudson looked at his kids when he was proud of them – assuming he had kids.

"So tell me Anna. What's new? Any change at home?" In a smooth movement, he crossed his legs, and leaned one elbow onto his armrest. His hand went to his chin, and he was stroking his invisible beard.

I shook my head.

It was quiet for a little while. Obviously, Dr. Hudson waited for me to respond with real-life words. A technique I'd read about, that psychiatrists often used when patients were uncooperative. Waiting for them to be uncomfortable enough by the deafening silence, and urging them to respond by just sitting there looking at them expectantly. I couldn't deny myself the satisfaction of being an unruly patient. I guess it was in my genes. Perhaps I was just doing what Aunt Susan would have done.

"You and my mom met each other in college, right?"

Dr. Hudson looked startled for a second. He probably wasn't used to having the conversation centered around him – especially not when conversing with a patient. His eyebrows quirked upward for a brief second, but he quickly recovered.

"Yes, that's correct," he answered uncertainly.

Of course it was correct. I already knew the answer to my question; I just needed him to confirm it. For no apparent reason actually.

"Do you know my dad?"

Another question that took him by surprise.

"Anna, where's this going?" He wondered aloud. Dr. Hudson's voice never withheld any hint of accusation or anger. Merely wonder and confusion. He rubbed his chin in speculation. I shifted in my chair, leaning forward and resting my elbows on my knees. He eyed me cautiously.

"I'm just curious," I said quickly, discarding his penetrating gaze.

"We've met once or twice I suppose," the doctor answered honestly.

And without further ado, I verbalized the question which I had been leading up to all along.

"Do you think they love each other?"

"Anna…," the man uttered in a long exhale of a breath. There was pity in his voice. I nearly flinched.

"I'm just asking. Is that what you see when you look at them? Love I mean," I supplied.

My eyes never left his. If eye contact was what he what he wanted, then eye contact he should get. And my eyes weren't green. Maybe my gaze could make him realize that, if nothing else. Like, how serious I was about my question.

"Well, what do _you_ see?" He shot back. Damn to man. Actually doing his job and making me open up about my feelings and stuff. How dared he.

"I think you and I both know what I see," I say coldly.

Dr. Hudson readjusted in his seat. I could see he finally felt as if he had the upper hand again. As if he had regained control of where this conversation was going.

"Put words on your thoughts Anna. No one in this world can read your mind," Dr. Hudson said in a chipper voice. _I bet Elsa could_, my mind contradicted.

I sighed heavily, taking a brief moment to look around the room and provide myself with the time I needed to recollect my thoughts. What _did_ I see? It definitely wasn't love. I bet even the most love-deprived souls on this planet wouldn't be able to find the slightest hint of love between the two of them. I wondered if there ever had been love between them. I knew Hans had been the reason they had married, being an 'accident' and all. But right now, I couldn't help but feel like _I_ was the accident.

I sighed deeply. Deeper than usual. It was as if my lungs needed more air to fuel the words coming out of my mouth. I needed that extra oxygen to boost my bravery.

"I see a frightened middle-aged woman scared of her own shadow. I see a grumpy old man, living his lost hopes and dreams through his children. That's what I see," my voice didn't miss a beat.

"And love?"

"- is non-existing at my house. I'm sure we all possess the qualities to feel it, but none of us allows ourselves to show it."

"Not even your mom?" Dr. Hudson asked in disbelief, his eyebrows knitted together.

"If fussing over every single insignificant detail about my existence is considered love these days, then yes, I guess you could say that."

I knew my words were harsh. My mother did indeed possess some sort of capability to love. But at that time, I was certain my dad had drained her from everything she had. She had this urge to please please please, and give give give. She forgot herself. And not in a good way. She was only a shadow of a person at that time. A frail little thing that a gush of wind could easily knock over. She was loving and caring, but to the point where it felt more like a duty to her.

Dr. Hudson looked stunned by my answer. I couldn't bring myself to care whether or not he was going to tell my mom about this session.

"Anna, don't take what you have for granted. A lot of people could only wish to have the family and opportunities that you have," he announced. Wait what? So because other people had worse problems than I did, mine were to be undermined?

For the first time, Dr. Hudson's voice didn't seem kind. Suddenly, I didn't want him to narrate my life anymore. The slight change in his voice made me feel like he had turned against me. That I actually _had_ crossed enemy lines. I clenched my jaws. My knee started bouncing. I didn't want to be in this room anymore. The walls felt like they were closing in on me. But I couldn't just let him believe I was fine with him telling me what to do. If I wanted to take what I had for granted, then I sure as hell would take it for granted. I would be in Guinness World Records for taking things for granted. That's how much I would take what I had for granted.

"So what you're saying is that my problems are not as significant as other people's? Because I have it good, and come from a wealthy family? Because I was provided with more opportunities, my issues are not to be taken as seriously?"

"No Anna, I never said that."

"Indirectly you did," I spat relentlessly.

"In that case, that wasn't my intention. Your problems are equally important to anyone's out there," he replied apologetic.

But deep down, I couldn't help but feel like Dr. Hudson had a point. My problems weren't significant. There were people out there with _real _problems. People like Ofelia and Elsa who lived from day to day, and didn't know whether they would be able to make it through the freezing nights. There were children out there who starved to death, or who were abused throughout their childhood. And here I was. Getting mad over some ridiculous comment Dr. Hudson accidently had let slip.

Well, I wasn't exactly mad. I couldn't feel the anger more than I could feel the light from the lamp on my face. But I knew how the old Anna would have reacted to such statement, and I really missed her, so I thought I'd try to at least pretend like she was still here. Sadness can become so addicting. Because, suddenly you've lived through it so long that you realize you don't know who you are without it. The old Anna didn't exist anymore. Sure there were small fragments of who I used to be, but the old Anna was gone, lost in the conspiracy of the illusion of happiness.

"I'm sure you have a lot of great intentions Doc," I said while I got up. It felt good to stretch my legs. "But I don't feel equally important to everyone. In fact, I think you should prioritize some of your other patients, because they're probably dealing with _real_ shit."

In one clumsy long stride, I stepped over the coffee table, and reached for the doorknob. I tore open the door, exited, and left the door as widely open as I could. The man didn't protest.

Dr. Hudson let me go even though we still had ten minutes remaining. I was positive he saw this as a good thing. That I finally had some sort of emotional outlet. The thought made me feel even smaller.

* * *

A few days passed. It was New Year's Eve that night. I didn't have plans. Except for Elsa of course, but Elsa wasn't really a plan. Elsa was just Elsa. She was my Elsa.

I was supposed to have seen Dr. Hudson yesterday, but I didn't go. I went to Elsa's instead. Unfortunately, she was out, and it wasn't like I could just pick up my phone and call her. I left her a note though, saying I'd stopped by. I told her I would swing by on New Year's. I'd drawn a heart on it. I guess it was my lame way of compensating for not being able to tell her that I loved her.

I was standing in the kitchen drinking a cup of tea. Aunt Susan was there too. She sat on one of the bar stools sipping her coffee while reading the local newspaper. Well, I wouldn't call skimming over the comics 'reading the newspaper'.

My mom joined us in the kitchen. She was folding laundry like she always did. She had just recently started folding it in the kitchen, since that's where Aunt Susan and I would often hang out in silence. My mom was going on about New Year's plans.

"So you're really not going to spend New Year's with us?" She asked me for the billionth time. I was somewhat sad to break tradition and bale on New Year's with my family. But being twenty years old, and with Hans being away for college, I didn't really feel that guilty. Perhaps it was time for new traditions.

"No, sorry, I'm invited to Sven's New Year's party," I apologized half-heartedly.

My mom looked sad. I could see the pout on her lips. She folded a pair of my dad's boxer's. They ended up wrinkly, so she redid it until they were folded just right.

"Alright then, guess it's just going to be the three of us then. Unless you have plans as well Susan?" My mom asked her sister, hope glowing in her eyes. I got the feeling that she didn't want to spend New Year's alone with my dad.

Aunt Susan saw the begging in her eyes. She shot me a quick glance. I guess she was kind of telling me with her eyes that she was taking one for the team. I knew how much she wanted to celebrate New Year's with Ofelia.

"Nah, you know I'd much rather stay here and annoy you Sis," Aunt Susan said taking another sip of her coffee. "I mean… we _are_ gonna get Moon Travelers… right?"

My mother rolled her eyes, but smiled at her childish sister. Aunt Susan would pretty much do anything for fireworks. The sisters giggled a little, and I smiled along. It was kind of nice actually.

"So what exactly are you going to do at Sven's big New Year's party?" My mother asked.

I shrugged once, briefly imagining what I would be doing if I indeed _were_ going to Sven's New Year's party. I could already see myself hunched over the latrine after a few of Sven's homemade Bombardinos. That's probably what the future had in stock for me if I actually intended on going.

"Nothing exciting, probably just eat some food and hang around with a bunch of others," I stated casually.

My mother suddenly looked uneasy. Her eyes were wider than before, and her folding had become more stiff and monotonous. She cleared her throat, which caught both me and Aunt Susan's attention. My mom put down one of my dad's t-shirts, and leaned against the counter. She cleared her throat again anything but subtlety, making a tiny little squeaky sound. Her petite hand came up to cover her closed mouth. My mom was naturally thin, but right now, she just looked small. Her apron suddenly looked too big for her.

"Look Anna," she said in a tiny fragile voice. "There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about, and since you're going to a New Year's party this year, I think it's appropriate. Susan, do you mind giving us a minute?"

My mom fixated a hopeful set of eyes upon my aunt's figure. Aunt Susan huffed, and gave my mom a grin so charming it could've knocked Austin Powers off of his feet.

"No way, I think I'm gonna wanna hear this," she snorted.

Knowing her sister, Aunt Susan could already predict that this was going to be good. With that being said, Aunt Susan discarded her newspaper, popped her elbows up on the table, and rested her chin on her hands like an innocent little child waiting for her meal to be served.

My mom's cheeks were already bright red; she obviously couldn't get rid of her little sister. Guess there was no way around it, so instead she just followed through with whatever she wanted to say. I'd put my cup down on the counter in anticipation.

"So Anna," my mom said in her little voice, her cheeks looking like small peaches, "I really wish we had had this talk sooner, but I haven't really seen the need until just now. I assume there are going to boys at this New Year's party, and I just want you to be prepared if anything-"

_Oh god_. I nearly send my cup flying off the counter when I saw where she was going with this. I cut her off before she could continue.

"Wow Mom, are you trying to have the sex talk with me?"

Aunt Susan nearly chocked on her coffee. She slapped a hand over her mouth before it came spraying out. Her eyes were filled with tears from laughter.

For a second, my mom had that deer-in-headlights expression on her face. Her arms came up to hug herself. I couldn't figure out how someone could be so annoying, but look so adorable at the same time.

"I guess I am," she said, as if she honestly thought I didn't know she was trying to have _the talk_ with me.

"That's really not necessary," I ensured her.

She cleared her throat trying to take charge of the conversation.

"I just want you to be prepared. I know you aren't on the pill, and even if you were, that wouldn't protect you from STD's," my mom continued relentlessly.

"Mom, please stop…" I begged, while rubbing my face with the palms of my hands.

Aunt Susan was howling with laugher, clutching her hand to her stomach.

"It's okay Anna, sex is completely natural," my mom said, finally finding her way back to folding the laundry. I guess she used it as an excuse to not look me in the eye, and hide her beat-red face behind a clean pair of boxers. Surprisingly, I could also feel my face getting a tiny bit warm. Nothing in comparison to my mother though.

"I just don't want you to end up pregnant."

_I don't think that's going to be a problem, _I thought. My mom's comment nearly send Aunt Susan rolling on the floor from hysterical laughter. Of course, she and I only knew how improbable me getting pregnant was. As far as I knew, Elsa and I were pretty much as far from getting pregnant as humanly possible.

"Really mom, you don't need to worry about me getting pregnant," I stated clearly,

"So you're not having sex?" She asked with a glint of hope in her eyes.

"I didn't say that."

"So you _are_ having sex?" She persisted.

I hesitated.

"I didn't exactly say that either."

"What does that even mean? Are you having sex or not?" She asked, now turning on her demanding motherly tone. Aunt Susan wiped a tear away from the corner of her eye. "You can tell us Sweetie, this is a safe space," my mom added, looking over at her ridiculous little sister who barely managed to keep herself together. My mom send her a warning look, practically saying 'keep it together you little chicken shit, I know where you sleep.' I'm not sure if eyes could speak, but I guessing that's what my mother's eyes were telling Aunt Susan right now.

I had two options from there. 1) Lie about my current sexual activity with my secret (_lesbian_) girlfriend 2) Tell her the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Somehow, lying always seemed like the better option.

"Fine! No, Mom! I'm not having sex, you happy now?" It was obviously a rhetorical question, so I allowed myself to make a graceful (as graceful as Anna Lykke now could be) exit, with the remainder of my dignity.

And that's how it's done.

* * *

"Happy New Year," I panted as the clock stroke twelve. I let out a shaky breath and smiled at the woman sitting on top of me.

"Happy New Year," she smiled. Elsa struggled to breathe; her forehead was a tad damp.

We kissed until the bells chimed for the last time and it was officially a new year.

Then I pushed my fingers deeper into her and Elsa screamed out in ecstasy. Her muscles tightened around my fingers and the naked woman was left panting on my lap.

Sorry Mom.

* * *

**A/N:** Hey guys, just wanna say thanks for all your reviews and follows :) I'm usually pretty good at answering your reviews, but I've been having some computer troubles, so sorry if I haven't replied you.

Stay amazing!


	15. Chocolate Bombs

**Chapter 15 – Chocolate Bombs**

I was laying lazily on my back watching Elsa read from across the room. She looked so focused. Her face portrayed such calmness. It was as if Elsa had left her body her on planet earth, and dug headfirst into the book. Right now, she was probably a talented ballerina, dancing so gracefully, while falling in love with some handsome fella' if I knew Elsa right. She always had a soft spot for sappy romance novels.

In fact, she was concentrating so hard, she wouldn't even look up as I was throwing chocolate raisins at her. I was trying to get them into her bra. Elsa was good at pretending like she wasn't bothered by it. She just sat there, her eyes darting over the page, wearing her poker face. I popped a chocolate raisin into my mouth, and prepared for another launch. I was aiming for her exposed cleavage. It landed spot-on and tumbled down her shirt. That must have been bull's eye number three. We didn't say anything, I just kept launching my chocolate bombs onto Elsa, and casually every once in a while I would pop a chocolate treat into my mouth.

I was practically laying on the hard wooden floor just sorting out the most qualified raisin soldiers, lining them up on my stomach. As I was about to send Lieutenant Chuck Raise off when a miscalculation occurred, and he landed right on the page of Elsa's book. The blonde raised her gaze from the page, visually frustrated by the chocolate intruder.

"Stop it Anna, I'm reading," she mumbled and threw Lieutenant Chuck Raise into her mouth. Brave soldier he was.

I was in a particularly playful mood at the time, and maybe a little bit attention craving.

"Make me," I challenged, like the little brat I now was.

Elsa's lips involuntarily hoisted up in a tiny grin. She obviously didn't want to give me the satisfaction of knowing I was making her laugh. But she just couldn't help it. Elsa simply couldn't help but grin widely, and that was one of the things I loved most about her – she never hid her happiness.

"Let me just read this chapter and I'll come cuddle with you," she offered, sounding as diplomatic as always.

Of course, that wouldn't do. My fingers were restless and I needed someone to cuddle _now_. I wanted to play with Elsa's hair, and have her head rest on my chest. I wanted to stroke her back, and tell her bad chemistry jokes. So I threw another soldier, and this one hit Elsa right on the cheek. It was a high throw, arching ever so casually like a lazy cannonball, so it was impossible that it could've hurt.

"You're asking for trouble, you're aware of that, right?" Elsa asked, looking at me as if she had just caught me with my hand deep inside the cookie jar.

"Come over here and punish me then," I said while a quirking eyebrow.

Elsa rolled her eyes now, clearly reluctant to close her book. But in the end, she obliged and put aside _Black Butterfly_ and got to her feet. She walked slowly towards me. Tauntingly slow. Could she just get over here already? She was dragging her feet over the floor, and I sighed impatiently, which made Elsa snort. Finally she kneeled down in front of me. She placed a hand on each side of my shoulders, and leaned down on top of me. Her entire face had now adapted a playful grimace. I fed her a chocolate raisin.

As Elsa chewed and looked at me with a playful glint in her eyes, I took the liberty to run my hands down her sides. Elsa raised an eyebrow and swiftly grabbed both of my wrists. She pulled them over my head, and clutched them against the floor. I didn't fight her, and simply felt as she used her strength the hold my hands towards the floor.

"I thought you told me to punish you," she uttered, smiling crookedly.

"I did," I said, smiling back at her mischievously.

Elsa exhaled loudly, and she pretended to let her eyes wander, as if she was thinking really hard. She caught my gaze again.

"Well," she mumbled, "I guess I'll have to punish you then."

She leaned forward, using her weight to plaster my wrists harder against the wooden floor. I felt her breath on my neck. I felt her lips grace my pulse. I felt her nose brush over my jaw. I wanted her to kiss me so badly. I closed my eyes, and focused on my breath. I bit my bottom lip, and Elsa giggled.

Without warning, she let go of my wrists, and dug her fingers into my sides. I almost my choked on my own spit in pure surprise. Damn you Elsa. And here I was thinking my punishment was that she was merely teasing me with kisses. I could hardly breathe because of Elsa's bombarding tickles.

I had to beg for forgiveness in between breathes. I was utterly helpless as I was under Elsa's tickling mercy. She didn't give in so easily. So I started fighting back. We rolled around on the floor. I managed to establish dominance as I landed on top of Elsa, digging my hands into her stomach, while sprinkling tickling kisses all over her face. Finally, when I got Elsa to beg for forgiveness, and victory was declared mine, I stopped my assault. I rolled off of her, and slipped to the floor. A crumbling noise sounded as sat upright. It came from my back pocket, and for a moment I was confused. That is, until I remembered of course.

"What's in your pocket?" Elsa asked with a grin on her face.

I swallowed hard. I had forgotten to take it out of there.

"It's-… it's just a piece of paper…," I mumbled.

She eyed me warily, those blue eyes of hers studying my face with such interest you should've thought I was a damn museum artifact. I swallowed once. The mood so suddenly shifted. It became serious.

"It must be a pretty special piece of paper if it's making you look like someone just kicked a puppy," the blonde stated.

She was right. It was a pretty special piece of paper. And I guess I was the puppy in this scenario. Because this piece of paper would definitely feel like a kick to the gut if it wasn't delivered correctly.

"Er, it's… for you, actually," I was sweating profusely.

"For me?" Elsa asked in surprise. I nodded once. "May I see it?" She then asked, and a lump got stuck in my throat.

"I… um… I was going to read it to you but, er, I changed my mind… I thought I'd put it back on my desk," I mumbled like a poor fool.

"Is it ready?" My Elsa wondered, sympathy and concern in her voice.

"Yeah… yeah, er, it's ready. It's been ready for a few days actually."

This wasn't going the way I wanted it to go. If I was looking from the outside, seeing how much I was screwing this up already, I would without hesitation have slapped myself across the cheek.

"I see…," my girlfriend breathed. "So… did you change your mind about you reading it to me, or just me reading it in general?"

I shrugged. Because I couldn't do anything else. Because I was a shrugger – Elsa had already established the fact that I shrug an awful lot.

"I don't know," I said and shrugged another time. Just for the heck of it.

Elsa smiled at me gently, and kissed me on the cheek.

"I can read it if you want," she suggested. This girl surely was determined on reading this damn thing. I guess I couldn't prolong it any further. I wanted to have been the one reading it to her. I'd imagined her standing by the window, and I would lay on her bed. I'd imagined her being taken by surprise when I suddenly would read her the first line, and catch her attention. She would've walked to me, and sat down in front of me while I kept reading.

But for some reason I couldn't. The cat had eaten my tongue along with everything else that had anything to do with vocalization of my thoughts. I always hated those furry bastards.

So I handed Elsa the letter. The letter that I had been working on for a while now. The letter I had addressed "For E" in case anyone should find it, they would be left with no more than initial to ponder over. The letter that wasn't actually a letter, but maybe more like a poem. The poem that wasn't actually a poem, but was maybe more just a piece of writing in honor of someone I cared deeply for.

Elsa looked at me now, her eyes as round as teacups. She unfolded the letter/poem/writing/thing and shot a quick glance back at me to ensure I was absolutely certain that this was okay and I hadn't changed my mind. I hadn't yet, but if she didn't get on with it soon I surely was going to change it, or worst of all curl in on myself. Secretly, I was wishing to be swallowed by a black hole by now, or magically turn into a snake so I could eat my own tail. It wasn't because I was embarrassed about my writing, because I wasn't. I was pretty confident about my work, but I wasn't sure how confident about the message it portrayed.

Either way, it was too late now, because Elsa had already cleared her throat and read the title "For E," before sending me a final glance over the top of the paper, providing me with my last opportunity to back out. Meanwhile, I couldn't help thinking that it should've been me reading this to her, and not Elsa reading it to herself. The words spilled beautifully as Elsa started reading, and I just had to accept that this wasn't anything I could do, so I might as well just enjoy her voice, reading those godforsaken words I'd planted on that damn piece of paper.

"_She has skin as white as snow and a heart just as clean and pure," _she read._ "She can make roses look ghastly. Because a rose is nothing in comparison to her. She, Mother Nature have nothing on. You haven't seen beauty until you've seen _her_. But she is as dainty and majestic as a rose. _

_If anything, she is an Ice Rose._

_Her petals are made of the purest and clearest ice. She is cut so perfectly. So delicately. As unique as any snowflake. A snowflake with such allure and grace it could make a swan resentful. But I am scared that she might melt away. _

_All I want is to open up just like a rose ready to bloom. I want to open up my petals and expose my vulnerable stigma_."

She took a breath. I shot Elsa a look, but she was too engrossed in the piece of paper to even notice me staring at her. Elsa merely continued reading, as if she was reading the most heart aching truthful book she'd ever come across. Her eyes were glistering.

"_But I am scared. I am so terrified. My blood runs cold every time I think of it. Every time I try pushing the idea deeper into my mind. But it won't stick. It is buried under the futile construction of anxiety and fear. My brain is utterly repulsed by the idea. My mind is deliberately spitting it out with disgust._

_And yet, my body aches, longingly after what might be. What could be. What still can be. Though, my mind won't allow it. It is the unremitting internal battle between body and mind._

_Choices needs to be made, decisions are waiting to confirmed or denied, and yet, here I am captured in the impossible web of thoughts no man or woman are designed to escape. Or maybe I am wrong, and it is merely my person who is incapable of such deliberation. Perhaps I am not meant to be happy. Perchance, I am enlisted to be stuck in a prison I have created for myself. Behind slimy bars plastered behind my eye sockets. Because, from where I look, I only see these bars. Tauntingly detaining me from euphoria._

_I give up. The bars can be polished. They can look representable. They will still be there, but their presence can be overlooked._

_Here is the truth._

_No one can be happy every second of his or her existence. Happiness comes and goes, which is what makes it special. Which is what makes it desired. An Ice Rose taught me that._

_The bars will come down eventually. Not now, and not soon, but some day they will. I know someday I can be happy again. And here is why:"_

A single tear dripped down Elsa's cheek. Her voice was trembling, but she managed to finish the letter.

"_Because I love you, Ice Rose."_

And then Elsa broke down sobbing, and I didn't know what to do, and I simply sat in shock, completely helpless and in pain to see how sad I'd made my Elsa. The letter was now tearstained, and fell to the floor since Elsa had to bury her face in her palms. Carefully I scooted closer to her and tried putting my arms around, but I was scared I would only make matters worse. Obviously, it was a horrible letter I had written her, and I was already mentally beating the crap out of myself.

But before I could even wrap my arms around her, Elsa flung her herself around my neck and cried into my shoulder.

"I love you so much," she cried, and I quickly returned her embrace.

I was left confused and heart aching, because by the looks of it, I had hurt the most precious thing I'd ever had the privilege of loving. Elsa wouldn't stop crying, and it only made me want to cry. I wanted to crumble up the letter and disgard it out the window, as if it never existed. But when Elsa crying said:

"That's the most beautiful thing I've ever read Anna," I felt the air rush to my lungs again, because apparently I hadn't been breathing, and I suddenly understood. Elsa wasn't upset. She wasn't crying because she was hurt, and how my stupid brain hadn't realized that was beyond me. Perhaps it had been under mental lock-down for so long, it had forgotten how to distinguish emotions from each other.

No, Elsa was crying because she was _touched_. I had _touched_ her. My words had somehow gone straight into her love-soaked heart and touched it so deeply that Elsa didn't know what to do with herself. And that made me tear up and suddenly we were both crying on the floor. But that just made us hold each other closer, while our bodies took over. Our bodies were like preschoolers that had to be pulled out of recess because they were upset, and they wouldn't stop crying.

But then, growing from hysterical preschoolers, to hormone filled puberty inflicted teenagers, we started kissing. I tasted the salt on her cheeks, and under her eyes, and on her eyelids, until I kissed her lips. I was hugging her so tightly I was concerned whether or not she could breathe, but she didn't seem to mind, because she couldn't seem to hold me tight enough either. I was suddenly on my back and Elsa on top of me, and our bodies were stretched out against each other. Shins pushed together, thighs pushed together, hips flush up against each other, stomachs against each other, breast pressed together, and finally lips on lips.

Elsa raised her head breaking our kiss, and I looked at her in all seriousness. Her pointer finger trailed my jawline.

"How did I become so lucky?" She asked quietly.

We kissed again, and again, and nothing seemed to be stopping us, so why not just take off our clothes and lay in bed together? So we did, and Elsa's naked body was as beautiful as ever, although her skin was hugging her muscles too tight, and she had lost weight. I got to be the big spoon, and I pressed my naked front against her back, and she pulled my hands to her chest. Her naked butt was pressed onto my naked lap, and everything was just so naked, and not in the literal sense, but in the sense that I had just completely exposed myself emotionally towards Elsa. I might as well have been standing completely uncovered in front of an entire auditorium full of strangers, because that's how exposed I felt. I'd stripped down for Elsa.

And now to part two.

"Els…?" I asked gently, and she replied by kissing my wrists and hummed. "I… feel like I never show how much I appreciate you. I know I'm not the best at asking question but… I want to know everything about you Elsa. I want to know something no one else knows. I mean, are you religious? Does the full moon keep you awake at night? Why did you cry so hard over my letter? What was the orphanage like? I want to know what gets you up in the morning, or what you think your parents were like, or what you think about when we have sex, if you think of anything at all, or if you like milk in your coffee, or if you're more of a tea person, or maybe you don't drink hot beverages at all apart from hot chocolate, and maybe you're a cat person, but I'm really hoping you're a dog person, and-"

Elsa twisted herself in my embrace, and turned towards me to put two fingers on my lips to shush me. She stifled a laugh. I couldn't recall when was the last time I'd talked a million words a minute.

"Wow…," she said. "There you are," she added smiling widely, as if she'd just found me after years of searching. And I guess she was right. That was a part of the old Anna that had just resurfaced.

Elsa held my chin between her thumb and pointer finger. She pulled me forward to plant a long kiss on my mouth. When she pulled back, my eyes couldn't help but drop to her naked chest. Then she turned in my embrace again, and I wrapped myself around her like before. And then she started talking. She was answering all of my questions, starting with her reaction to the letter.

"I think it just hit me how lucky I am to have you… and that letter… I've never read anything so beautiful. Just a few years ago, I didn't even believe in love, and here I am. Loving someone with all of my heart, someone who loves me back," Elsa took a deep breath. I could sense the smile on her face. It made me happy. Yes, happy.

"I genuinely want to believe my parents were good people. Good people, stuck in a bad life. They gave me up when I was around three. I kind of like to think that they were high school sweethearts. I imagine my mom would've been a teacher, and my dad some sort of sales assistant. I know it's silly, but I would just much rather think about them that way, than how their lives probably really were." I leaned over and planted a kiss on the side of her head. I liked how Elsa always would try to think positively about everything.

"I had just turned four when I landed in my first foster family. I don't remember them at all. It didn't last very long though, just a year or two. All I know is that it didn't work out. When I was seven I was adopted again, but it turned out the dad had a gambling addiction, and played up all their money. I was back at the foster home, and by then, people thought I was too old be adopted. I landed in a family again when I was thirteen. The kids were so mean to me. I had to tell the foster home I couldn't live like that. That I'd rather be back that the foster home than be emotionally abused by my so-called stepsiblings. I didn't really have any friends at the foster home, and I didn't get adopted again. So I ran away. And that's the best decision I've ever made in my life."

Elsa would go on and on about how there was one particular girl at the foster home she had befriended. They were best friends for a little while, but then the girl was adopted and she never saw her again. I learned so much about Elsa that night.

I learned that she was definitely a coffee person (cream, two sugars). She couldn't choose between cats or dogs, and thought they were equally cute (damn you cats and your lame cuteness – I know you want to rule the world, and you're just playing nice. I'm on to you). Elsa didn't believe in God in the way most people did. She believed that God wanted her to believe in whatever way Elsa wanted to believe. She just liked to believe in the comfort of having someone to believe in. She told me all that filled her head when we had sex was me, and how great we were together. She told me I made her senses so slurred when we were making love that she could barely even think straight, and that there hardly were room for any thoughts at all. And she told me that one thing that definitely got her up in the morning, was me.


	16. For Your Amusement

**Chapter 16 – For Your Amusement**

**Heads up/warning: **adult scenes.

* * *

Time was a non-existing concept at the moment. I had no perception of time at all. I was floating timelessly in my little cocoon of horror and happiness. Such a lovely contrast the two of them made. But it truly was a cocoon of both horror and happiness, because one thing I know I was with my Elsa, and the next I was at handball practice again. It was like when I was with Elsa, the time was fast-forwarded, and at practice, the tape was stuck on repeat.

I was still high on New Year's Eve, which was only a handful of days ago. Looking back, I couldn't comprehend how much had happened over the expand of these few months. I thought about how I'd knocked over that jar of pennies, and how everything had accelerated from there. I had to admit, the prominent irony of the factum that it was indirectly money that had brought Elsa and I together bothered me the slightest. Actually, it was almost beautiful how something so breath-takingly beautiful could derive from something so greasy and poisonous. But more on that later.

I was standing on the doorstep in front of my house. The front door was firmly closed, and mom had taken down the Christmas decorations. My finger traced the wooden lines in the door. I was just standing there. If a person had walked by, they'd surely question whether I was trying to stare holes in the damn door. I couldn't enter. Not yet at least. I had to mentally prepare myself. Deep breath. Hand on doorknob. Push.

My mom and dad were in the living room. I put down my duffle bag, removed my coat, and picked the bag up again.

"Hey," I greeted them lazily.

"Anna," my dad said. It wasn't a, you know: 'Anna, hi, how are you.' It was more like an: 'Anna, come here.' And not 'come here' as in that sweet grandma' kind of way, like 'come hither child and let me awkwardly pinch your fat cheeks.' I walked into the living room. My mom was reading in the corner. She was wearing her reading glasses. I sat down on the armrest of the couch. My dad put down his paper.

"How was practice?" he asked. I wasn't sure why he was asking, I got a feeling he was just checking that I was actually going to practice.

"It was fine."

"Do you feel prepared for the game tomorrow?" he then asked. His face didn't portray any emotion. It didn't portray much of anything actually. I fought the urge to say 'I guess' but I knew the uncertainty in the reply wouldn't suffice.

"Yes sir," was my answer instead.

The man took a deep breath. I almost forgot that he was human too, and needed oxygen just as much as anyone else on this planet. His big hand came up and brushed his neatly cut hair back.

"Look, I didn't want to tell you this because I didn't want to make you nervous. I want you at your a-game tomorrow. There's a recruiter coming, she's got her eye on for you and that other girl… Belle I think," he added.

I sat dumbstruck for a second. _Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no._ I couldn't handle this. I swallowed hard once, trying not to let my panic rise to the surface, because the last thing I wanted my dad to think was that I was nervous.

"Why are you telling me then? If you didn't want to make me nervous?" I asked boldly.

He got up from his chair. The way he was standing now, it felt as if he was towering over me. His massive arms, and strong jaw made him seem even scarier as he stood there.

"I want your head to be in the game tomorrow. I don't know where it's been lately, but from what your coaches are telling me, it hasn't been on the court with you." His words stung, which was weird, because I couldn't recall the last time someone's words had hurt this bad. Not that it hurt for long, but my body was still adapting to feeling again, so even the smallest amounts of hurt could do the damage of a full-blown punch to the gut. Because currently, it felt as if my body was on the floor gasping for air, hands clutched over my stomach in pure agony.

"Don't screw it up tomorrow Anna. This could mean a great deal for your future," he finished.

_What future? The one in a professional league? _That wasn't a future. That was my death right there. I didn't want to die at 20.

"I… I'm going for a walk," I muttered. I couldn't stay in this house a second longer. The walls were crushing me. My dad's stare was destroying me. My mom's silence was suffocating me.

My dad stepped aside, and I passed him to go put my shoes back on. I walked back out into the cold. It was so dark. I missed the sun. So I thought I'd go pick up my own personal sun. I drove to Elsa. She was packing up her corner.

"Hey," she said, and glanced over her shoulder. There weren't many people out. But still, I parked a bit further away, and Elsa walked to me with her tiny blue wagon. We loaded it up in the back, and she got in. She kissed me on the cheek, and my face grew warm. I took her hand while driving.

"Where're we going?" She asked with a light tone of voice.

I needed to get away to some place quiet. But I wanted Elsa to come with me, because I also wanted to show her my favorite place.

"To the old amusement park in Corona," I smiled.

"Wasn't that shut down years ago?" She asked curiously.

"Yeah, which is why we'll probably be the only one's there."

"So we're trespassing?"

"Well, wouldn't it be a shame if such a lovely place should go to waste? It's not trespassing, we're just… appreciating aesthetics up close…," I tried.

Elsa laughed, and I gave her hand a tiny squeeze.

We arrived at the old amusement park. The large Ferris wheel reached high into the sky declaring it's dominance over the park. Greens and mosses had taken over the park, and it was like walking into some sort of abandoned fairytale land.

Elsa and I walked hand in hand towards the park. The fence was so rusty we barely had to make any effort to get in. It was as if time stood still here. Nothing moved, and you could easily see that nothing had moved in decades. Time was non-existent here. It couldn't run away from you, even if it wanted to, because this place was forgotten, and forgotten places don't age. Not the same way.

I dragged Elsa along, picking up pace as we walked to the Ferris wheel. Thank God I was wearing my gloves, because the metal bars surely were cold as I grabbed onto them. Then I started climbing, pulling myself further into the sky. I looked over my shoulder to find Elsa was still standing solidly on the ground.

"Afraid of heights?" I asked genuinely concerned whether I should start climbing down again.

"Ha, you wish," she grinned and started climbing. Elsa was good at this – scary good at this. She even got ahead of me, leaving me climbing right behind her. The view grew more and more beautiful. Small lights scattered across the city created a blanket of little yellow suns fighting their way through the darkness.

"Wow," Elsa stated with awe in her voice. "It's beautiful up here. This view is amazing."

And I would have to agree that the view was indeed amazing, but I wasn't going to say that my view was of Elsa's rear, and not the city. We finally made it into one of the passenger cabins where we both sat down. Elsa leaned against me, and I put an arm around her. It was so quiet here. The wind was biting, but not yet harsh enough to force us down on the ground.

We sat for a little bit and talked about nothing while I tried pushing the lamely persisting thought of what my dad was going to say about me being home so late the night before a big game.

But now I was with Elsa, and I didn't want to spend the time worrying about my overambitious-maniac-dad, because honestly, I had much better things going on right now. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't focus entirely on Elsa before I had played out the entire conversation between me and my dad when I got home. It would probably go along the lines of:

Dad: May I speak with you? Alone.

Me: *shrugs*

Dad: You're home late.

Me: *nods*

Dad: Where were you?

Me: Helping Tiana close up shop. Busy day for her. Thought I would lend a hand.

Dad: You know what tomorrow is, right?

Me: *fight the urge to fucking shrug* Yes Sir.

Dad: I don't need to remind you about the recruiter, do I?

Me: *don't… fucking… shrug* No Sir.

Dad: Good. Go to bed.

Me: Good night.

Dad: And Anna?

Me: …?

Dad: no more pancakes.

I don't know why he would say the pancake thing. It was just something I imagined he would do. Don't want a fat daughter and all.

Now that that was over, my full devoted attention was now circled around Elsa. She was looking so mind-blowingly, drool inducing beautiful. Did I just use the word "drool-inducing" about my girlfriend? I guess I did. Hm.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked.

What now? I couldn't just tell her that I was predicting the reprimand awaiting me at home, or that I found her mouthwateringly gorgeous – as in, I literally couldn't contain my saliva. That would just sound gross and disturbing.

"Food," I stated without hesitation. _Stupid, stupid, stupid_.

Elsa giggled though.

"What kind of food?"

"Pineapple pizza," I answered swiftly.

_Would you just shut up brain? Not helping. Yeesh_.

Elsa didn't seem to mind the bizarre change of topic. We even agreed that pineapple pizza was without a doubt the best invention since grilled cheese. Of course we didn't know what came first, grilled cheese or pineapple pizza, so we decided that we would have to look up a food timeline.

Elsa scooted even closer to me, trapping the heat between us. She rested her head on my shoulder. I would be lying if I said I didn't consider whether this would be a romantic location to make love. I mean, considering the view, isolation, and the company, I would say the answer was pretty straight forward, and that Elsa definitely would look good wearing her majestic orgasm face in this light. But before I could make a move, Elsa interrupted me. Just as I had placed a hand daringly high up on her thigh, she spoke.

"You weren't thinking about food, were you?" She asked in all seriousness, barely noticing my (what I thought to be) brave hand who was desperately hoping to get a peek inside the elastic band of her panties. However, as soon as the words had left her mouth, my hand suddenly wasn't so brave anymore, and I felt like I owed her an answer. A real one at that. Because, as much as I didn't want to admit it, Elsa and I rarely had the conversation circle around me. That's not entirely true, we talked plenty about me. But not about what was going on, and my current state of being. Elsa had let me into her life, showed me her world. And I didn't even dare share mine in return. Of course she knew bits and pieces, but not enough to make the puzzle feel coherent in any way.

So I told her about my parents. I told her about my session with Dr. Hudson, and I how I had walked out on him. About how I thought love was a non-existing terminology at my house. I told her how Dr. Hudson thought I needed a better way to emotionally express myself – that I apparently didn't have the optimal emotional outlet. I told her how much I thought of a bullshit theory I thought it was, but also that I deep down thought he might be right. I had never admitted that to anyone, not even myself.

I told her about the good stuff too though. Like when my mom tried to have the sex-talk with me, and Aunt Susan only made it a hell of a lot worse. Elsa couldn't restrain her chuckles, finding it even more hilarious by the fact that I practically had been on my way out the door only to find Elsa naked in bed all ready for me. We both laughed a bit about that. It was a bizarre feeling laughing along with Elsa. Usually she did all the laughing. Our laughter slowly died out, and I went on about my dad.

"My dad isn't the most… sympathetic of people," I stated with a hint of diplomacy, because of course you had to consider that some people just weren't as good as expressing feelings or sympathizing with others. It wasn't that he was a bad person, but he'd grown up in different times than my brother and I.

"But he means well in the end… I think…," I wasn't sure who I was trying to convince. Elsa or myself. Either way, I got my message across, and Elsa understood – as she always did.

"I have a game tomorrow," I said, sadness evident in my voice. There was no reason to hide it. "My dad told there's going to be a recruiter looking at me and Belle… apparently, it could mean a great deal for my future."

Elsa was quiet for a little bit. She nibbled on her bottom lip, carefully thinking of what to say.

"Are you nervous?" She asked, as I felt her nose brush the thin sensitive skin on my neck.

I shrugged lightly, careful not to shrug Elsa off my shoulder.

"Not really. I'm not nervous about performing bad… I'm nervous what my dad will say if I do. Honestly, I don't care about the recruiter."

Elsa was drawing small patterns in the palm of my hand. It tickled slightly. She was drawing a sun, or something. Something round at least. Then she drew a smiley.

"Do you want me to be there?" She then asked suggestively, and the statement kind of caught me by surprise.

And of course I wanted Elsa to be there, because I knew Elsa would never be disappointed in me. At least not the way my mom or dad would. Elsa didn't care about handball, she cared about me, and only me. And somehow, the recruiter actually scared me a little bit. Therefore, I nodded, and said I would very much like it if she could be there. It was an open game anyway, and everyone could come watch. The school benefitted greatly from the massive crowd that would show up every year. They often made a huge profit from all the donations and fundraisers, and had therefore concluded the more the merrier. It was a big one for the college, and everyone was wishing and praying that we did well. I didn't even want to think about it anymore. The audience could go to hell for all I cared. Technically, I didn't even attend that stupid school. The only person I was afraid of disappointed was my dad. But with Elsa in the crowd, Aunt Susan, and maybe even Ofelia, it would make the day a lot easier.

I asked Elsa if we could talk about something else, explaining that I couldn't stand thinking of it anymore, because I would have to live it tomorrow anyway. She just kissed my jaw and rested her head back down on my shoulder, silently agreeing to leave it, and live it tomorrow.

Then for some reason we started sharing childhood stories. I could continue going on and on in all eternity about how Hans would pour "potions" (read a greasy mixture of mud, dirt and leaves) over my head to see if anything magical would happen, just to hear Elsa laugh like she did. Admittedly, I would tell her anything she wanted to hear if she would just laugh like that forever.

Elsa shared quite a bit too. She told me about how whenever she found a dime or a penny, she would collect them until one day she would walk to the train tracks. Then she would put some of the coins on the dull metal bars, and when the trains finally arrived, they would press the coins flat. As in, twice-or-thrice-their-original-size flat as Elsa put it. She was so cute as she was describing it, and she told me she still had some hidden away in a drawer somewhere.

"You have to show me sometime," I insisted, which made Elsa smile, rewarding me with a kiss. She pulled away slightly, and I could see her breath hang in the air. I decided to lean forward and kiss her again.

The temperature felt as if it dropped another degree or two, and what better way to heat up than to remove some clothing? I guess the Gods had heard my lascivious prayers, because soon I found Elsa on top of me, straddling me. I opened her coat and her plat lumberjack shirt, leaving her chest bare, Goosebumps arisen quickly with the contact of the chill evening air. I kissed the concave track between her breasts, sensually dragging my lips across her marble skin.

None of us wanted to remove our gloves by the fear that our fingers might freeze and fall off. Instead, Elsa simply started grinding against me, and oh how it felt good. I rested my hands on her hips, which rocked with each of Elsa's thrusts. Elsa's breath picked up, and so did mine, because man was I turned on. I grabbed firmer onto her hips, pushed her closer and harder towards me for every thrust.

The panting blonde on top of me couldn't retain her cries. Her mouth hung open and her eyes were closed. I kept kissing her neck, placing a quick lick over her pulse.

"Mmh, Anna," she would breathe, and I was jealous because I would barely be able to inhale any air, my system being clogged up with pure desire. The passenger cabin rocked a bit, but the hinges were frozen over limiting the mobility of the cabin. Elsa suddenly looked down, and sloppily met me in a hot kiss. It was the kind of kiss where tongues collided before lips, and the wetness and heat was almost too much. I started grinding back against her, and I felt Elsa was close. The way she would tighten her grip around me only told me how close actually was. One more thrust and the deal was sealed. I was right about Elsa's orgasm face looking good in this setting. She looked absolutely (drool inducing) gorgeous as she flung her head back and grasped the collar of my jacket hard in ecstasy. Her cries were almost silent as she came on top of me, and I nearly went over the edge myself just by watching her.

We were both breathing hard, and our breaths hung in the air like white foggy puffs of air. With shaky hands, from excess adrenaline, I started buttoning her shirt. For each button, I placed a kiss on her naked skin before prisoning it back being button-bars. When I finally zipped her jacket, Elsa looked down at me. A satisfied grin tugged on her lips. This would have been the perfect time to tell her that I loved her. Not just in writing, but actually_ tell_ her, because you and me both know that letter was kind of half-assed when it came to it. For heaven's sakes, I couldn't even read it myself. The words had never actually fallen from my mouth. They had only fallen from Elsa's, so basically, Elsa had only told heard it through herself, and that wasn't fair.

"Elsa… I…I," the words were fighting me, but I almost had it, "I-…Elsa I lov-"

"Hey! Who's up there?!" A foreign voice sounded.

A light beam blinded me, and my eyes stung from the sudden change of brightness. Elsa jumped off of my lap and crouched down on the floor. The guard had already detected my face, and was currently blinding me mindlessly with his flashlight. I raised my arms as if he was pointing a gun at me. Thankfully he hadn't spotted Elsa.

"Get down here instantly!" He yelled, and all I could do was oblige. I tried smiling reassuringly at Elsa as I climbed down, silently telling her to stay put. I didn't mind taking the fall, although this definitely would cause for some alterations in the dialogue between my father and I if I couldn't talk my way out of it.

I made it to the ground, the guard angrily storming towards me.

"Are you aware that this is private property which has been closed off due to safety hazards? You either have to be completely blind, or extremely stupid if you don't understand the signs!" He fumed.

"Sorry officer," I mumbled politely. It wasn't an option getting offended by him calling me blind or stupid. That wouldn't help me now. He was still burning my poor eyeballs with his flashlight.

"Are you alone?"

"Yes sir," I answered certainly. I prayed to every God that may exist that Elsa wouldn't play noble and take the fall with me. I couldn't even begin with all the troubles this would cause her if she got caught.

The officer asked me where I lived, and I was stupid enough to accidently mention I still lived with my parents, ergo, he followed me home to make sure he could 'hand me over' to my mom and dad. The look on my father's face was definitely memorable as I showed up on the doorstep with an officer breathing up my neck.


	17. Panic at the Disco

**Chapter 17 – Panic at the Disco**

**Warning/Heads up: **This chapter gets a bit angsty.

* * *

My alarm rang and I groaned loudly. This couldn't be how my life ended. I was supposed to live a long and happy life, this wasn't how it was supposed to end. I was supposed to become something, something great, maybe bring a child or two into this world, get a house, live happily ever after. The end. At least that's what last-year Anna assumed was supposedly how my life was going to play out. But waking up to that alarm clock, which might as well had been the death tunes by Justin Bieber, I thought I might as well die. I mean, if I thought my life was over last night when I showed up after midnight on my parent's doorstep with an officer at my side, that was nothing in comparison to now.

My father was fuming, and my mother often took after my dad's mood since, well, since she apparently couldn't think an individual thought. Coming home late at night, getting a reprimand and a ticket for 'trespassing of private property' was apparently not appreciated among the Lykke household. Unfortunately Aunt Susan wasn't there to cushion my fall, but obviously I couldn't count on her being there every time. I was practically a grown woman, and needed to take responsibility for my actions (she said as she groaned even louder and went downstairs to eat her lucky charms, cherry picking the marshmallows). Just as I was about to pour milk on my cereal, my mother grabbed the bowl and threw the contents in the trashcan. She shot me a harsh stare. Her mouth was pressed into this tight thin line.

"You need real food Anna. You know that," she ordered.

I held back a sigh. I was not in any position to act like a rebelling kid today. I couldn't afford it. Aunt Susan joined us in the kitchen, sloshing back coffee in inhumane amounts. My aunt wasn't a big fan of getting up this early.

I ate my oatmeal in silence. Aunt Susan shot me a worried look, and then she glanced over towards my mother who was hectically cleaning the sink in a hiss fit. It was like a silent agreement that Aunt Susan and I would keep our mouths shut this morning. Nothing we could say would make anything better.

We grabbed our coats, and all four of us walked out the door. I walked towards Aunt Susan's truck, assuming Aunt Susan and I would be driving together to get some peace and quiet.

"No Anna, you're driving with us," my dad said in a firm voice.

"But what about Aunt Susan?" I asked.

"She can drive with us, or take her own car. But you're driving with us," he repeated and got into the driver's seat.

Aunt Susan rubbed my shoulder briefly and nudged me towards the silver BMW. All four of us sat in silence all the way to the stadium. Not even the radio was on to break the maddening tension. I wanted to hurl. The only thing that could make this remotely sufferable was knowing that I would get see Elsa in a matter of minutes. I couldn't wait to lock eyes with her, so that she could mentally telepath a message to me saying that everything was going to be okay. I needed her tiny shy reassuring smile to tell me I was okay, and that I would live to see tomorrow, because honestly I was doubting whether I would ever see the light of day ever again.

My dad pulled into the school's parking lot. It was packed. It didn't bother me much actually. The entire population of the planet could come and watch, it wouldn't make matters better or worse, because things were already as bad as they were going to get. It was a lose-lose situation. If I screwed up and we lost, I'd have to suffer through a life-time of blame from my father. And if we did well, I'd very likely be recruited, and I might actually have a potential handball career. In other words, I'd die one way or another.

We walked in and was greeted by an even larger crowd of people. I tried looking for Elsa, but with no luck. I caught a glimpse of Belle and some other girls from my team.

"Good luck Anna-Bear," Aunt Susan announced before pulling me in for a hug. "Just do your best," she whispered in my ear, and placed a kiss on the side of my head. I could see she had fought the urge to ruffle my hair. The three of them joined the crowd, and managed to find three seats next to each other in the very front. Our coach gathered the team for a brief pep talk and some last-minute technical plays.

One thing was already clear to me though. My head wasn't in the game. Zac Efron would be disappointed. Because as my coach was babbling on and on about important drills, I just kept scouting for Elsa. I needed to see her friendly features before I could remotely consider getting my head in the game. She needed to be here. So when the referee blew her whistle, I panicked, because what if Elsa wasn't here? Or what if she was, but I couldn't see her? I felt the crippling sense of panic seize onto me.

The buzzer sounded and the game had started. I nearly took a ball to the face, because my eyes were still in the crowd looking for those pale locks of hair. Sweat had already settle on my skin, and the game had barely even begun. We didn't get through their line of defense, and it was now our turn to run back to defend our goal. This wasn't going well. I felt dizzy. But as I stood there, arms raised above my head to keep back the attackers, I caught a glimpse of white skin and platinum locks.

Elsa was here, and I could breathe again.

She looked at me, smiling at me so softly, and that's when I received that telepathic note that everything was going to be fine, and I would survive this. _You're alright Darling, you can do this, _her message spoke. And like that, like flicking a switch, I had regained focus. My mind got into that zone, and I was finally determined to give it my all. I was able to block out the crowd, and my body prepared for battle. I'd almost forgotten how strong my body actually was. It had been a while since I'd used its full potential. But I had to concentrate to access it. I had to be swift like a coursing river. I needed the force of a great typhoon. I needed the strength of a raging fire. Wait am I quoting Mulan? Well, I guess in a sense, I was going to war. It sure felt like it.

Time was passing rapidly now, and we were dribbling up and down the court. I was wearing myself out completely, and a voice of reason and sensibility sounded in the back of my head, asking whether it wouldn't be wise to conserve some of my energy for the second part of the game. That would have been a good idea, but I couldn't afford it. Because we were getting our asses kicked. Despite the fact that all of us were playing extremely well, the other team was just better than us. We were losing, and not just losing. We were losing big time, being a whole of four goals behind.

It was finally half-time and my lungs were on fire. Our coach was already all over us.

"It's alright girls, it's just four goals. You can catch up, but you can't let any more goals go in, got it? Belle can't do all the work, you can't let them past your defense, you hear me?" Our coach stressed. I feared he might rip out his hair, because I'd never seen so much stress on a man's face before.

The buzzer sounded again, and I took a final swig of water. For some reason, our coach grabbed onto me and Belle's shoulders, making us turn around.

"Not. Another. Goal," he empathized with a raised finger and a begging expression.

I could almost hear the lump settle in Belle's throat, poor girl. She was the goalkeeper, so automatically everyone would blame her if a goal went in. But what people forgot to acknowledge was the defending team around her. We were there to protect Belle, and were therefore equally responsible for every damn goal.

Alice gave me a tiny high five before everyone on the court started moving again, I guess she thought she was wishing me luck or something. But luck didn't exist, because if it did, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. My nerves were on edge. My heart was beating so hard.

The court felt like a war zone. The opposing team looked like they were out to kill me. There was this girl in particular who I felt like was specifically out to get me. She had very brown eyes, they almost reminded me of Dr. Hudson's. I knew handball was a contact sport, but seriously? Did she really have to shove me so hard?

I was running down the court now, Alice made a pass to me. Gracefully (that's probably going to be the only time you hear that word and me in the same sentence) I tried penetrating their defense. I was about to launch the ball towards the goal when that insane girl with the annoyingly brown eyes stole the ball from my possession. That was mistake number 1. My entire team sprinted back on defense. I was running so hard it felt as if my legs were going to fall off. The crowd was roaring in anger and disbelief.

We all made it before the opposing team, but what I wasn't prepared for was the offensively brown eyed girl hooking an elbow behind my back and smoothly step around me. She threw herself forward, and from then on it was too late. That was mistake number 2. She scored.

_Not. Another. Goal._ My mind echoed. I watched as the scoreboard changed, how the opposing team upped a point. The sight nearly physically hurt. It tore me apart. I listened as a mixture of emotion rolled over the audience. It was a mixture of booing and clapping. I felt as the blood ran from my face. Elsa's face was gone in the ocean of people, and I looked around more distressed than ever.

The game was still going on, but I couldn't move.

_I. Couldn't. Move._

And I couldn't find Elsa, and I couldn't fucking move. My breath got caught in my throat. Everyone kept playing. My coach was yelling at me.

I fell to my knees. My hands were trembling. _Oh Gosh._ I was on the court on my damn knees, and I could hardly move. My limps were unresponsive. They didn't want to listen to me. My body suddenly didn't feel like mine anymore. I looked to the floor, since looking for Elsa was a lost cause.

Then something happened. Something I'd never experience before.

A panic attack. It wasn't something I was utterly familiar with at that point. I'd felt anxious and nervous before, but this was a whole new league. I realized that I was pretty much just a panic attack ready to happen. I had all the ingredients to throw together a nice and scary panic attack. For those of you who may not know how to make a panic attack let me explain. First, take approximately two cups of hyperventilation. Pour it into a bowl, make sure you really can't breathe! Then you add a teaspoon of blurry vision and 15 grams of incoherent hearing. Really make sure that all surroundings slowly fade away, that's going to make the attack appear much scarier. Two tablespoons of shakiness, a dash of cold sweats, and finally, sprinkle a generous handful of dizziness on top. Voila!

Now remember kids! If you want your panic attacks extra fluffy, make sure to stir the ingredients around real good. It should take about twenty minutes or so for the panic attack to cool down.

… I told you only John Green knew to which extend I was willing to take a metaphor.

Before I knew it, I collapsed on the floor, unable to breathe. I'm sure people in the audience gasped or something, but I couldn't hear them. Tears involuntarily escaped my eyes, and I was clutching my throat because, damn I couldn't freaking breathe. In the end I wanted to curl up on the floor, pull my knees to my chest, and cover my ears like a scared child. But something on my shoulder held me back. I tried figuring out what it was that was holding onto me, and so I looked up and through my blurry vision I saw Aunt Susan's silhouette.

She was mouthing something, and again, she probably wasn't, I probably just couldn't hear her. Her mouth kept moving, but no sound would come out. I was trapped in this body that wouldn't calm down, and it scared me that it wouldn't listen to me, which made me panic even more, which made me try to breath even hard, which just made me even more dizzy, which made me want to scream, and oh God I might pass out.

I was on my back, and I felt hands on my cheeks, and it felt as someone was sitting on my chest while sucking all the heat out of my body. Everything hurt, and for some reason, it wasn't the nice kind of pain. Not like the elbow I'd taken to the face, or the times I'd punched myself in the stomach to see if it would still hurt. No, this actually freaking damn hurt, and it was the kind of pain that wasn't really felt in just one spot, but _everywhere_.

I started hearing this ringing sound, which was better than nothing I guess. It kind of convinced me that I wasn't going deaf or something like that. My body was trembling, I was shaking so hard. I felt as if I'd just been dipped in a pool consisting of mainly ice cubes, because I was wet and cold all over. I tried reaching out for something, anything. Someone locked their hand in mine. Thank goodness. I thought I was drifting away.

My hearing slowly came back. There was _so much noise_.

"What's happening!?" I choked.

"You're having a panic attack Sweetie," Aunt Susan's said gently, but her voice was muffled and I could still just barely hear her.

Do you know the feeling where it just feels like your head is dangling? Like it's not even attached to your body, and you're not really in control of your neck muscles? I was sitting up now. I don't know how I'd managed that, it was probably my mom and Aunt Susan who'd pulled me up into a sitting position.

I was slowly returning to the world. The cold, harsh, injustice-filled, pressure-packed, gruesome and mournful world. My mom was by my side, rubbing my back, her eyes teary. Aunt Susan was sitting on my other side, trying to get through to me. I heard her small whispers of comfort, but my eyes and mind were fixated on something entirely else. My dad. He was standing a few feet away from me, hands wildly flying around him. He was yelling. In front of him stood my equally frenzied coach, yelling back at my father. Their faces were red, anger having fed them both to the breaking point. My coach threw his clipboard; it slided across the floor until it hit the nearest wall.

I looked left now, and saw Elsa. Her eyes were so full of worry, and she was one the verge of tears. Ofelia was holding onto her, as if Elsa was about to leap forward and run to me. She probably was about to do so, but only Ofelia seemed to realize how bad of an idea that was.

My eyes were still hazy, and I felt as if someone had just stolen all of my energy. I knew I had given it my all on the court, but this was a different kind of exhausted. I was ready to just go to sleep. It crossed my mind that the recruiter was somewhere among the chaotic crowd. That thought quickly slipped away however, because now my father came stalking towards me.

"Sweet-Pea can you hear me?" Aunt Susan's faint distant voice sounded. Her voice echoed in my head, it sounded as if she was singing.

My mother's frightened hands tightened around my arm as he approached. I felt Aunt Susan tense up. I shot a quick glance towards her, and I could already see the blood having drained from her face. She saw red, there was no doubt about that.

"She needs to get back into the game!" Yelled my father.

Something in my stomach shifted. I thought that oatmeal might make a reappearance. Before I could curl up into a ball of protection, Aunt Susan stood up. Her hands were clenched into fists, and she took a step in front of me.

"Back off Angus!" Aunt Susan screamed.

If I hadn't already almost panicked to death before, then I definitely would have been now. No one spoke to my father that way. I shot a glance toward my mother. She looked as if she was about to curl in on herself. She didn't want to look at anybody, but was merely stared at the floor. Her hand wasn't rubbing my back anymore, and it felt as if she didn't even want to touch me – as if I was poisoned by my father's words. I swallowed hard. I felt like a scared child who's parents were arguing over me - what to do about my behavior, how to punish me.

My dad quickly regained his ability to speak again, and his face grew stern.

"She have to get back on the court Susan!" He roared back. My dad took a step forward, but Aunt Susan blocked his route. She was standing strong, solid as a rock.

"Over my dead body," she growled. "Anna needs rest. She's done for today."

Man if I'd just had the energy to stand with her. I felt pathetic as I was sitting on that goddam floor, with my helpless mother and an upcoming headache.

"She's not done until I say she is!" My father howled, stomping his foot in the ground as a sort of reinforcement of his words.

"Angus for fucks sake! Can't you see your little girl isn't well? Can't you see that?!" Aunt Susan threw her hands up, I could sense the anger boiling within her. I wasn't sure whether my father caught onto the fact that I wasn't well in general, and Aunt Susan clearly wasn't just indicating now in this moment. Aunt Susan insinuated that I wasn't well, not at all, not today and not tomorrow, and I was almost a thousand percent sure my dad didn't get it. "Angus your baby girl needs you right now, and you're too blind to see it!"

It wasn't that my dad grew small at that comment. He just stopped talking completely. I couldn't tell what he was thinking. All I knew was that the referee were on her way up to us to tell us to get off the court. I didn't get to play the remainder of the game. We lost. Big time.

The silence was deadening in the car ride back.


	18. Beds are Man's Best Friend

**Chapter 18 – Beds are Man's Best Friend**

I never had a lock on my door. My parents never acknowledged the need for that 'nonsense' - in this case 'nonsense' being 'privacy.' Perhaps they didn't grasp the concept that privacy wasn't exactly privacy if someone could just barge into your room as they wished. Locks simply wasn't something you used at my parent's house. I mean, we didn't even have a lock on the damn bathroom door. Which was why I'd pushed my dresser in front of my door. I guess you could say I'd picked up a few things from Elsa and Ofelia.

Anyhow, like I said, I'd pushed my dresser in front of the door. There it stood, solidly blocking the entrance from any intruders. It had been standing there for three days. No one had left of entered my room for three days. My mom had given up on trying to persuade me with food after a day and a half. Now she just left the plate outside the door. She would pick up the plate a couple of hours later, the food having gone dull and stiff in the lack of ingestion. I wasn't hungry anyway. There wasn't room for anything but sadness in my stomach, and the only thing I'd manage to consume over the past three days were a few granola bars from my emergency stock in my desk drawer.

"Anna…," my mom would say with such guilt and sadness in her voice. "I left a plate out here for you… it's your favorite…," she spoke, trying to sound a bit more chipper when announcing that she had made my favorite. A few more knocks on the door sounded. "Please let me in…," I heard her whisper, along with a sniffle.

But I didn't care. I didn't care about anything right now - and I was a selfish bastard, I know - as I buried myself under my comforter. My bed was my only friend right now. My pillow would comfort me, hold my head in it's softness. My comforter provided me with warmth, and the madras would soak up my tears. I mean, of course I missed Elsa, because nothing could hold me like she could, not even my bed. But I just couldn't right now.

Aunt Susan gave me space, which I appreciated. She'd tried to sit on the other side of the door, throwing a couple of comforting words out into the air where they would uselessly hang. In the end, Aunt Susan was just having a conversation with the door, because I'd put on my headphones and laid on the floor to look at the ceiling. I spend hours trying to determine whether the ceiling was a ricotta or marshmallow color. I decided to conclude that it had once been ricotta, and then someone had painted over with marshmallow, but not a thick enough layer for it to dominate the prior color.

On my second day in solitude, Aunt Susan had pushed a letter underneath the door. It was from Elsa. I didn't really want to read it. Because reading it would make me want to go outside, and going outside would mean that I would have to walk through the house to get to the front door, and going to the front door might result in an encounter with my dad, and I couldn't have that. He hadn't been up by my door. He didn't sit outside and try to talk some sense into me. Hell, he hadn't even tried to force me out of the room so that he could scold me. No. He just left me be. He left me to sulk in my own misery, because I think in the end, he knew that was how I was worst off. My dad knew scolding me would make me feel better somehow, and he couldn't grant me such luxury.  
But in the end, curiosity won. I opened the letter, because it was Elsa, and only because it was from Elsa. Because if it had been from Aunt Susan or my mother, or any other person I remotely cared about, I wouldn't have opened it.

I unfolded the piece of paper. I wish I hadn't. I immediately wished I hadn't opened that damn piece of paper. It ripped the last sense of sanity away from me, and I fell to the floor exclaiming a lament of pain, hurt and confusion.

The letter didn't say anything. There wasn't any words on there.

But there was a pencil drawing. It was a pencil drawing of me. Elsa had drawn me. Elsa had drawn me smiling. Smiling so brightly in fact that I was smiling with my eyes as well. The drawing looked like the picture on my nightstand Elsa had picked up the second time she was in my room. But I was wearing the outfit from the day we had been out rowing on the lake.

Of course Elsa knew how to draw – that girl was pumped with creativity, having the blood of an artist's flowing in her veins. It looked exactly like me. Which scared me. It scared me to bits.

Because I couldn't recognize myself.

All I saw was a stranger who looked like me. She was a beautiful stranger. Hell, everything Elsa made was beautiful, but I wasn't really sure whether I actually believed I was this beautiful. I was looking at a picture drawn by someone who loved me with her all of her heart; of course I was going to look pretty in it. I was looking at me through Elsa's loving eyes.

But I was still wailing on the floor, sobbing so hard I had to gasp for air. I was on my knees, curled forward until my forehead hit the ground. I punched the floor. I was being loud and hysterical and I didn't care. A few tears stained Elsa's drawing. It was so beautiful. But that smile just tore me to pieces. For a moment, I wanted to rip the drawing to shreds and burn the remains. I couldn't do it though, because Elsa had made this. It was her work, and I was going to fucking frame it and put it on the wall.

I went to my nightstand and grabbed the picture of Hans and I from the drawer. I didn't remove the picture of me and him, I just placed the drawing in front of it and closed the frame again. I wiped my hot face with the back of my hand and admired Elsa's work now that it stood there on my bedside table.

Then I went to bed and slept until the next day.

* * *

I hadn't showered for four days now. My room was getting kind of clammy, and the air was thick with the scent of smelly socks. I woke up late afternoon and opened a window. I decided to clean my room, because, what else was there to do? It was limited how you could make time pass in the solitude of your bedroom.

I collected all the clothes from my floor and shoved it into my closet. Then I made my bed, making sure to fluff my pillows neatly, because… for no reason actually, I was going to un-fluff them soon anyways. The room was clean in no time, and I decided to clean my bathroom as well. Despite the fact that I had a shower connected to my room, I hadn't had the energy to use it.

As I was cleaning the sink with hand soap (that's how you clean it, don't be ridiculous), my eyes ran over the person in the mirror. My hair was pulled up into a ponytail, and I was wearing a baggy grey sweater. The heavy bags under my eyes just jumped out at you. I looked like a train wreck. I splashed some water in my face – as if that would help.

Then I retrieved to my sleeping chamber, which could easily have been mistaken for a cave if it hadn't been for the open window letting the cold clean night-air in. I cranked up for some music. Something loud and obnoxious because I wanted the tunes to blast over my thoughts so I could just stop thinking. I was on my back yet again staring at the ceiling for a good thirty minutes until I heard a knock on the door.

"Anna Honey?" It was Aunt Susan's voice. "Look I know you don't want to talk and stuff, but I brought you something."

I walked to the door, but didn't mind turning down for my music.

"I really think it would help," she insisted, and I was already ready to pass down the prospect of food. That was until I heard another voice from the other side of the door.

"Anna?" It was Elsa's voice. She was in my house. How was she in my house?

"Can you hear me?" She asked, and I could her voice was small, but she had to speak loud to overpower the music. "I know you're in there," she stated with a sense of worry, and perhaps a bit of doubt because honestly, I could've climbed out the window and Elsa knew that.

I took a good minute to consider my options. That was, until I realized I didn't really have any options. It wasn't an option to just ignore Elsa. I couldn't just leave her out there worrying. What if it had been me on the other side? Carefully, I pushed the dresser out of the way, but only enough to creak open the door a few inches. I peaked my head out the slightest. Elsa and Aunt Susan both looked at me wide-eyed, concern dominating all of their features. I hardly had time to react before Elsa pushed herself through the door. Aunt Susan walked off as soon as she saw Elsa had successfully made it to the inside of my room.

I took a few steps back as Elsa closed the door behind her and pushed the dresser back. Meanwhile, I'd taken a seat on the edge of my bed, and I was looking at my hands. The girl walked to my computer and turned down the music, just enough so we could hear ourselves think, but still loud enough to drown any conversation if someone was to listen from the outside.

Elsa walked to me, and kneeled in front of me. She'd put a brown paperback on my bed, and was now resting her hands on my knees, looking up at me trying to catch my eyes.

"I've been so worried about you," she whispered and brushed an astray piece of hair behind my ear. She parted my knees so she could stand on her knees between my legs. "Your parents are out for the night. Susan came to get me, she thought I might be able to get through to you. She told me you had kind of… locked yourself in here…"

I nodded.

"Have you eaten anything?" Elsa continued. She reached a hand out for my cheek and turned my face towards hers. I couldn't help but look into her blue eyes, and I was glad I did. I'd almost forgotten that spark of happiness Elsa ignited in me.

I shook my head.

"Are you hungry?"

I shook my head another time.

"Would you please eat something? Your aunt bought you ravioli from that Italian place you like so much," her voice went up an octave, trying to make the food sound more appealing that way.

"I'm really not hungry," I persisted.

Elsa reached for the brown paper bag and pulled out a transparent plastic container. She reached for the fork at the bottom of the bag, and opened the container, spearing a ravioli, before holding the fork up towards my mouth.

I looked at it, and for some reason I couldn't make it look appealing. My mouth was watering though, but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep it down if I actually snatched the pasta-goodness off of the fork.

"Please?" Elsa was begging now, her eyes so wide I could do nothing but eat her offering. I chewed slowly and Elsa smiled at me before spearing another ravioli. The ravioli stayed down, which was a thing I guess. Elsa moved the fork closer to my mouth, and it would smear all over my face unless I opened my mouth. Elsa was sneaky like that. After a few bites, I grabbed the fork, and fed Elsa one. She took it happily, and it went back and forth like that. For every bite she took, I took one as well. Elsa didn't like it when I gave her twice in a row without giving myself one. She'd gotten so thin, although she was good at hiding it under her layers of clothing. I didn't dare ask her when was the last time she ate. Elsa was a bit of a hypocrite in that sense, but then again, she didn't _choose_ not to eat. She just didn't have the money to sustain a healthy diet. And now I got to feed her with ravioli, and I took what I could get.

Elsa licked her lips after I fed her the last piece of pasta before she grabbed the fork from my grasp and put it back in the paper bag. She then placed herself next to me, taking my hands in hers and kissed my palms. Her touch was soft and cold, but her lips were warm. She rested our intertwined fingers in her lap, and released one of them to brush an invisible hair back behind my ear.

"I know this feels like the end of the world right now… but you got to believe me when I say it's not," she smiled at me. "It's just the beginning," she ensured me.

She scooted closer and wrapped her arms around me. A hand came down to the back of my head, and she pulled me closer. In the end, my cheek rested against Elsa's chest, I let me comfort, even though I didn't feel like I deserved it. After a few minutes like that, Elsa's back started aching, so we laid down in respective position. She spoiled me with kisses scattered all over my face. I closed my eyes, enjoying her lips on my skin.

She pushed me onto my back, and popped on her elbow. With her free hand, she drew circles on my stomach. She'd pulled up my shirt enough so she had a bit of bare skin to trace her finger over.

"Anna what happened at the game wasn't your fault," Elsa then said as she kept drawing little suns and smileys around my bellybutton. I turned my head to look at her.

"Then who's fault was it?" I shot back, but not in an angry way. Maybe a little bitter and maybe a little abrasive, but none of it was directed towards Elsa – it was all directed towards myself.

"Look, the other team was just better than you. That's that. You played so well. I saw how that girl was after you, she really made your life miserable on the court," she reasoned, reaching down to kiss me on the cheek.

"Can't you just say it? Can't you just say 'Anna you messed up'? I feel like someone needs to say it. My dad won't even say it. It's like everyone is just ignoring the fact that I made a fool of myself in that game and afterwards when I pathetically had a mental breakdown on the court," I growled bitterly, throwing my hands up and dropping them with a _thump_ down by my sides. For some reason Elsa smiled. I couldn't really see what there was to smile about at the moment, but either way, I always enjoyed seeing Elsa smile.

"You didn't mess up, don't you see that? Stuff happens, and then we deal with it from there. And you didn't make a fool out of yourself, is that really what you think? Anna, you had a panic attack, that's serious stuff. I was so worried when I saw you collapse like that…" she trailed off, her mind probably wandering back to my shaking body heaving for air.

She kissed me on the cheek again, "don't you ever do that to me again…," she whispered and I felt a pang of guilt.

I guess she was right. Shit happens. We just got to deal with it. And I felt bad knowing Elsa had had to stand helplessly in the tribune as I was on the court squirming in pain and panic. If it had been me watching Elsa like that, I would've gone insane. I would've almost died just watching her, knowing I wasn't allowed to help her.

"If you ever feel like that again, will you please tell me? We can work on it together, figure out what triggers you, find out how to come back as quick as possible so you don't have to heave for air like you did that day."

I'd scared her, and I felt terrible about it. And not enough with that, I'd locked myself in my room for four days, not even considering what it might have done to Elsa. I was a terrible girlfriend. I wanted to do something. Make it up to her somehow.

"I'll tell you. I promise…," I assured her, and smiled before giving her a long tender kiss. I rolled onto my side, so that our bodies were flush up against each other. I grabbed her rear to pull her closer to me. We both breathed loudly through our noses. Elsa then laughed a little which made us break the kiss.

"Maybe we should take a bath?" She suggested as she giggled. I couldn't help but snort. I probably didn't smell very good, and Elsa was being all nice about it suggesting that _we t_ook a bath.

She got up and grabbed my hand to drag me to the bathroom. I twisted the knobs, and hot water started flowing into the tub. I was already undressing myself, and as I was about to unclasp my bra, I noticed Elsa was just standing in the doorway, arms crossed, staring at me while biting down on her bottom lip.

"What?" I asked looking down over my almost-naked torso.

"Nothing," she said licking her lips, "you're just pretty darn hot is all." Elsa gave me a seductive wink, and I rolled my eyes at her. Without further ado, I walked to her and pulled her into the room and closed the door. I grabbed the edge of her shirt and pulled it over her head.

"You're pretty damn hot yourself," I almost snickered as I dropped her shirt to the ground. Elsa wasn't wearing a bra underneath, and her naked chest appeared before me. I rested my hands on her hips and pretended to snatch a glance of her full and round breasts. But in reality, I wasn't looking at them, despite how insanely perfect they were. I was looking at Elsa's body and how her ribcage was more visible, and how her hipbones pushed against her skin. Oh Elsa. Her shoulders appeared bony, and her collarbones stood out more than usual.

I almost wanted to cry, because the look of my sweet sweet Elsa wasn't the one I remembered. Elsa didn't seem to notice my worrisome expression. Instead, she unbuttoned my pants, and pulled them down to my angles along with my underwear. I'd almost forgotten how to move, but I stepped out of the clothes that pooled around my angles while Elsa removed the remainder of her clothing. In all our bareness, we sunk into the soothing water. Elsa sat behind me, letting her legs frame my figure, and my head rest on her bony shoulder. We played around with some soap until the bubbles filled the entire surface of the water, like a thick misty fog spread over the ocean.

Elsa's mouth was right by my ear. Her bangs had fallen forward, and was tickling the side of my head.

"Did you hear anything back from the recruiter?" She mumbled into my ear, while she rubbed some body wash onto my chest. The question had taken me a bit aback.

"What? Elsa I don't think that performance exactly wooed anyone. I think that's pretty much a done deal," I concluded with a hint of… I don't know. Something. With a hint of something, because I didn't know whether to be happy, sad or annoyed. All I knew was that I didn't want to sound angry, because Elsa was just asking a question, and if I were her, I would also like to know. I guess that's what's relationships are all about. Putting yourself in your partner's shoes and see how you would like your significant other to respond. I nuzzled my head closer to her, to ensure she didn't think I was sad or offended by the question.

"You don't know that," she stated positively. "You played so well the first half of the game, you were definitely the best on your team."

I smiled a bit at her comment. Then I sighed a tiny sigh.

"… Either way, I hope the recruiter didn't see much potential. I just want this thing to be sealed, and know I won't be recruited. I just wish it was over and done, and all of this could just die out slowly…"

She kissed the top of my head. I turned my head to kiss her lips. Her arms wrapped around me, and I felt her arms cross over my naked breasts. I pulled away, looking at her face.

"You're so beautiful," I said to her. And I meant it. I really did. But at the same time, I couldn't look past her slim features, and how her cheekbones stood out. I kissed her again, trying to see if I could let it go, but it kept nagging me. The thought kept slamming down on me, like a tiny Anna inside my head beating my brain with a sledgehammer – telling me to _do_ something. Anything!

I turned my head, because this would be easier without looking her in the eye.

"Elsa…?" I mumbled.

_Speak up Anna,_ my mind hissed.

"Hm?" She responded. I sighed again. This time my shoulders sighed with me. Elsa's arms raised a bit by the way my chest filled itself up with air.

"I'm just worried…," I told her.

Elsa didn't seem to read much into it. She didn't think I was worrying about her, but something completely different.

"About what Darling?" She asked and kissed my shoulder.

I hesitated. My thumb stroked her arm, and I looked into the water. The foam had settled itself nicely, but was slowly fading away.

"About you… you've lost weight, and I never see you eat. Are-… are you and Ofelia okay?"

The room fell quiet for a little bit. The only sound was from the faucet dripping into the tub of water, suddenly sounding louder than before.

"We're fine Anna, work is just slow lately," she assured me and planted another kiss on my shoulder. I was glad to hear she hadn't taken it as an offense. I knew this was a sensitive matter for Elsa. Money wasn't something we often discussed.

"You know, I wouldn't mind helping out. I told you, I'll do anything," I turned my head to meet her gaze. My eyes were almost begging. I was begging to help her, because this, this was sucking the life out of me. Watching the world suck the life out of Elsa, was sucking the life out of me too.

"You really don't have to. We're fine," she soothed.

"You know I can't just stand by while I watch you struggle. I'm just saying money isn't a problem for me… you wouldn't have to pay me back, we could just never talk about. Please Elsa," I pleaded. Her eyes wandered, but slowly came back to me.

"You know I can't accept that. Would you please just trust me when I say Ofelia and I are fine?" Her words weren't harsh, but I could hear she didn't want to discuss this any longer.

Fine. This wasn't the time and place anyway. I couldn't drive her away. Not now (hopefully not ever.) Not at the time I needed her the most, as selfish as that sounded. We stayed in the tub until our fingertips looked like raisins. I insisted that she stayed the night. I wanted her to have a good night's sleep, in a warm bed, in a safe place, on a full stomach. She agreed after some convincing. Afterwards I'd texted Aunt Susan that she should tell Ofelia Elsa wasn't coming home tonight. Elsa didn't want Ofelia to be alone at the house, and she first agreed when Aunt Susan promised she'd stay with Ofelia (not that it took much persuasion.) My parents wouldn't come in here anyway. Not as long as the dresser was firmly planted in front of my door.

As long as the dresser was in front of that door, we were safe.


	19. Just Cow Stuff

**Chapter 19 – Just Cow Stuff**

My dad and I hadn't spoken all week. Not that we generally spoke much other than the usual morning grunt and the lazy goodbyes and hellos. However this week, this week from hell, we hardly exchanged _any_ form of communication. Nothing. I wasn't even worth the effort of making eye contact apparently. It was as if I didn't even exist anymore. It had been a whole week since I'd left my room. And not one single damn word. It didn't seem to bother him much, honestly, he was just acting like himself.

But it bothered _me_.

It bothered me to bits, if you can put it like that. That damn man just had a way of annoying the crap out of me. He just knew how to push my buttons, probably without even realizing he was doing so. Because in the end, he wasn't actually pushing any buttons. That was it. That was what did it, and sent me into a teeth crunching death-glaring state of annoyance and hurt. He wasn't doing _anything_. He spent most of his time in the garage now, because obviously, Aunt Susan and him didn't talk either. It wasn't the first time Aunt Susan had stood her ground in regards to my father, but it was the first time it had actually been significant enough for my dad to care. One thing was my aunt convincing him that Hans and I were allowed that extra piece of candy, but this? This was important to him, and in his eyes, Aunt Susan had pissed all over what he believed in.

My dad was traditional like that. He wanted order, and Aunt Susan provided nothing close to anything orderly in the house. Thank God for that, or else my life would've been colorless and plain. Grey, I guess you could call it. And not even the fifty shades kind, just good old plain grey.

Anyway, so my dad was pretty much gone all day, until dinner time. We still had our family dinner, seven-o'clock on the dot, because like I said, my dad was traditional. Either way, it was late afternoon and Aunt Susan was sitting in the kitchen in front of her laptop. She almost looked like a grown-up wearing her reading glasses. I walked up to her, and rested my head on her shoulder while hugging her from behind.

"Hi…," I mumbled into her shirt. I guess I was being kind of goofy and a little bit attention seeking, but heck, it was fun and I needed a little fun.

"Hello my little Cogglesnatch Cuttlefish," she greeted, eyes still focused on the screen. One thing I never grew tired of was Aunt Susan's nicknames. Typically, she settled on the usual 'Honey,' 'Anna-Bear' or 'Sweet-Pea,' but sometimes she just outdid herself. She never used to call Hans anything other than Hans or Mr. Grumpy. Aunt Susan had always made me feel special. Because I'd always stuck out a bit in my family. We both had, Aunt Susan and I. So I guess, 'special' in this sense could be interpreted as the _weird_ kind of special. But Aunt Susan had always taught me to embrace it. She was special too. And she never failed at making me feel like I was the most important and special person in the world.

"Watcha doing?" I asked, balancing on my heels, never letting go of Aunt Susan.

"Just a bit of writing… you bored?"

I nodded into her shoulder, groaning lightly. I didn't know what was going on with me lately. First I'm sad, then I'm restless, then I'm in a ridiculously playful mood. I couldn't really figure myself out – not that I'd ever been able to that.

"Wanna do something?" My aunt suggested, her voice containing a subtle amount of mischief.

I quirked an eyebrow at her.

"What did you have in mind?"

"Grab your coat and I'll tell you on the way," she uttered and finished the rest of her coffee before closing her laptop.

We put on our jackets and stepped out into the cold. I jumped into Aunt Susan's car, and then we were on our way. She looked particularly beautiful today, Aunt Susan I mean. There was something about her. She was glowing, and not just with her usual happy spirit, but there was something else there too. Her smile never left her face, you should've though someone had forced a hanger into her mouth. Those brown locks of hers almost reached her breasts, and it was particularly shiny today. Wow, Aunt Susan was just radiating good vibes, and I was just sitting next to her trying to absorb as much as I could. She was wearing her green leather jacket, matching her emerald green eyes. At least she had had the sensibility to wear gloves today. Just looking at her thin leather jacket made me shiver. How that woman didn't get sick more often was a mystery to me.

She cranked up for the stereo and started to hum along to some old rock tune. So far, I knew where we were going. We were on our way to pick up Ofelia and Elsa. You didn't have to be a mind reader to tell. Now, I didn't want to be a mood killer. However, something in the back of my mind was nagging me. It was nagging me a lot. It was like a tiny little woodpecker, drilling and drumming on my skull. Despite it's tiny size, it was making me go crazy. I had to ask Aunt Susan about it.

"Hey, Aunt Susan?" I asked. She hummed in delight, not entirely listening as she was focusing on the road, and the music, and basically just enjoying life right there and then.

"Yes my Honey Bunch?" She cooed, and God how I hated to might possibly spoil that wonderful mood of hers. But I had to ask, because when first Elsa and Ofelia were in the car with us, the opportunity would have slipped right past me.

"Have you… noticed anything different lately? About Elsa I mean?" I asked, carefully wording my question.

Aunt Susan was thinking. I could tell from the way she pursed her lips and wrinkling her nose. Her fingers would still tap along on the wheel to the beat.

"No not really," she stated. "What do you mean different?"

_That she's lost weight_, my worried mind uttered. The thought made my eyebrows come together, and the wrinkles on my forehead grew deep with concern. But I couldn't tell Aunt Susan that, because I liked seeing her this happy. Besides, telling her now or later wouldn't make a significant difference.

"Nothing, it's nothing," I quickly answered. "Could we stop for some food?"

"Didn't you just eat?"

It was still beyond me how things could fly out of my mouth without a second thought. It was as if I never thought through what I had to said. Of course I'd just eaten, that was the whole reason to why I was bored – because when I was bored I ate, and there was a limit to how much time you could distract yourself by eating before vomiting.

"Yeah, but I'm having these insane cravings for sandwiches lately," I said.

Aunt Susan snorted.

"You're not pregnant, are you?"

I swatted Aunt Susan playfully across the shoulder.

I was hoping Aunt Susan hadn't caught onto the major slip-up I'd just foolishly made, because I was pretty much throwing out into the open that I thought Elsa and Ofelia were in trouble and didn't have enough money to eat. Actually, in a way I was hoping she'd caught onto my reference. Hopefully, she'd understood the subtle hint that I wanted to buy food for Elsa and Ofelia. I wasn't sure which was the case, but either way, Aunt Susan agreed that we could stop by Tiana's and pick up something on the way. Aunt Susan had to run a few errands anyway, ergo, I decided to just sit and wait inside the toasty warm café. I was warming my icy cold fingers on a mug of dull tea while I waited for the food. Tiana was busy in the kitchen, I caught slight glances of her as she was running back and forth successfully keeping up with her orders.

I blew on the hot beverage in my hands, and led the cup to my lips to carefully take a sip. As I burned my tongue on the scolding hot drink (twenty years old and still too impatient to wait for a drink to cool), something caught my interest. Well, it wasn't exactly some_thing_, but more like some_one_. It was Sven, and he was standing at the other end of the café. I hadn't noticed him until he'd gotten up to put on his jacket. Sven pulled out a couple of coins and left them on one of the napkins on the table. Then he walked to towards me, or well, towards the exit.

"Hey Sven," I greeted as he passed me. I put in a lot of effort to make my voice sound chipper.

However, my efforts were wasted, because Sven hardly even spared me a glance. He just shrugged as he passed, looking right through me and pushed his way through the exit.

"Whatever," he growled.

The little bell on the door chimed, and Sven was gone. Wow. What just happened? Obviously I must had done something to upset Sven, because normally he was one of the kindest people I knew. Or maybe I hadn't done anything, and that was the problem. I knew I hadn't been around much for Sven lately. Actually, I hadn't been around for Sven at all. I'd been so focused on Elsa for so long that I'd completely forgotten about those very very few friends I had before I literally stumbled across Elsa. Sven probably felt neglected, and honestly, I couldn't blame him. I had been a horrible friend to both him and Tiana. I was surprised Tiana had even stuck it out this long, but then again, I came into her café all the time – it wasn't like she could just suddenly be rid of me. This was a small town, and you couldn't help but run into each other from time to time.

As I was sitting there, feeling like the world's biggest asshole, Aunt Susan appeared outside and made a funny face through the window. I watched as she had greeted Sven with a swift hello, because obviously, everyone knew each other around here.

"Here's your food Cupcake, don't eat it all at once," Tiana teased, and gave me a goofy wink.

_Smile at her Anna, please. _In an awkward motion, I hoisted up the corner of my mouth in a crooked smile. Tiana's eyes grew wide for a brief second, and then she smiled even wider than before.

"Thanks T, you're the best," I said to her while I grabbed the bag of food and left to meet Aunt Susan. I was greeted by the bone-trembling cold as I exited. Aunt Susan slung an arm around me, both to warm me up, but probably also to make me hurry the fuck up. She was excited I could tell. She was practically bouncing as we crossed the road.

The smell of food filled the car, and the heaters were working on their max. Red Hot Chili Peppers blasted from the stereo, because Aunt Susan couldn't contain herself anymore. We parked outside the ashen turquoise house, which still looked as forgotten and alone as the first time I laid my eyes upon it. Aunt Susan went to the house to fetch our ladies (that sounded better in my head), while I stepped out of the car to retrieve to the backseat of the car. Ofelia and Aunt Susan could have the front seat, I wanted to sit in the back where I could hold Elsa's hand and feed her with sandwiches till her hearts content. I made sure Tiana made extra, so that I could 'accidently' leave some food in Ofelia and Elsa's house when we dropped them off again.

The doors were ripped open, and in came my Ice Rose with her gorgeous smile. She didn't sit down right away as she was leaning across the seats to kiss me. It was a sloppy kiss, in the sense that our lips missed each other, and I ended up kissing Elsa's nose. Her nose was cold, so when she pulled away (slightly laughing at me) I just wanted to pull her close and kiss it again until it was warm.

We ate in the car. Ofelia fed Aunt Susan as she was driving. They were having fun, Ofelia and my aunt. It was nice to see Aunt Susan this happy. Ofelia kissed her once on the cheek as an apology for dropping a tomato in Aunt Susan's lap. Elsa was sitting beside me, munching on her sandwich. I could see she was trying to contain herself, but she was so hungry that you could almost see the hunger in her eyes. I took a few bites of my sandwich, but I lost my appetite so suddenly. I couldn't eat this, not with a starving Elsa next to me. So when she finished eating, I asked her if she could finish mine because I was feeling car sick, and if I as much as had to look at it for a second longer, I would have to ask Aunt Susan to pull over. Elsa instantly grew concerned, and immediately wanted to abandon any thoughts of food, but before she could do anything, I unbuckled myself and threw my legs up so I could rest my head in her lap. She was given no opportunity to protest as I shoved the sandwich into her hand with disgust, and proceeded to snuggle up against her.

Elsa hesitantly started eating, and when the last bite of sandwich was gone, she started brushing a thumb over my cheek. I could've laid there forever. Everything was just a tiny bit perfect at that moment, a feeling that was unfamiliar to me. The music, driving to an unknown destination, Elsa, Aunt Susan and Ofelia – it was just the perfect recipe for a perfect moment.

"You feeling better?" She asked.

"Much," I said while nodding. I took her hand and pulled it to my lips so I could kiss her thumb. "You always make everything better Elsa," I mumbled under her hand.

The look in her eyes was so precious. I could see how much such a small statement could mean to a person, and I wondered why I'd ever held back, beside the fact that I hated saying things I didn't mean. But I'd promised myself to become better at this. At this relationship thing, where you share your feelings and you listen to each other. I'd decided to let Elsa know how much she meant to be, because there were different kinds of ways of saying 'I love you'. I mean, in my world, small gestures could be just as significant as the big ones. Just the way Elsa was stroking her thumb over my cheek expressed love, according to my book at least. Don't worry, someday I'd be able to throw the big L out there. Maybe not now, but I could feel it wasn't far away.

For some reason, Ofelia and Aunt Susan started exchanging embarrassing stories on me and Elsa's behalf. Despite the fact that Ofelia had only known Elsa since she was seventeen, she sure had a massive archive of Elsa-stories in her back pocket. Elsa would try to cover my ears at times, but I playfully swatted them away as Ofelia continued. Ofelia would keep turning around in her seat and say "remember that Elsa?" with a massive innocent smile across her face.

"This isn't fair," Elsa pouted, "that was an honest mistakes, it could've happened to anyone."

"Yeah but it happened to you, and gosh, your face was priceless!" Ofelia laughed, lifting at finger to snatch an escaping tear from the corner of her eye.

"Easy now Ofelia, don't want poor Elsa's face to become any more red. Her cheeks are already the same color as a fire truck," Aunt Susan added, snatching a look at Elsa and I in the rear mirror.

Elsa almost looked offended by Aunt Susan pointing out her blushing cheeks. I thought it was cute, and reached up to caress one of them. They were so warm, and I couldn't help but reach up and kiss each of her fiery red cheeks. As I planted my head back in her pleasantly soft and secure lap, Elsa crossed her arms over her chest.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" She quirked an eyebrow.

"Can't say that I'm not. Your face just looks too cute when you blush like that," I stated sweetly, and took another moment to reach up for Elsa's face to pull her down for a real kiss. I heard some gagging noises from the front of the car – Aunt Susan and Ofelia surely could act like children sometimes – so I took my free hand and decided to flick Aunt Susan off in the rear mirror without taking my lips off of my girlfriend's. Aunt Susan snorted, and I smiled in victory under Elsa's lips.

We didn't realized the car had stopped until Aunt Susan said, "alright love birds, we're here." Ofelia and Aunt Susan had already shut the doors and were outside, so I took the brief moment of privacy to sit up and kiss Elsa one final time. I kissed her so deeply her head was pushed back against the headrest. Her one hand came up around my neck while the other rested on my cheek. My hands held a firm grip onto her hips, and I could feel I wanted to pull her closer. My tongue was invading her mouth, and she happily accepted its explorations.

"Mh!-" Elsa broke the kiss a bit out of breath, "someone's in the mood, huh?" She said giggling. I couldn't help but smile at her a bit, but I wasn't embarrassed.

"Well, yeah. I kind of want you right now," I said in complete honestly. I immediately planted my lips on her pulse and started kissing it.

Thank God the car had tinted windows.

I felt a wave of lust rush through me. God I wanted her. I felt like it was been forever. I guess it had been a while. The last time Elsa and I had had sex was on the ferries wheel before we got caught, and that hardly counted since we both had our clothes on. Elsa enjoyed the neck kissing for a little while, but we both knew this was neither the time nor the place for such acts.

"We better stop," Elsa mumbled, her voice full of pleasure. "Or else I'm going to go completely mental when you pull away," she breathed.

I sighed once, and kissed her once more. Then I pushed open the door on her side, so she could slide out first. If we'd stayed in that car for just one second longer I probably wouldn't have been able to resist. I walked around the car where Elsa stood, and grabbed her hand. We walked towards Ofelia and Aunt Susan who were happily standing in each other's embrace.

"That sure took long enough," Ofelia smirked. Aunt Susan winked at me.

"Where the hell are we?" I asked to diverge the attention away from Elsa and I.

We were out in the middle of nowhere, and all there could be seen for miles and miles and miles were fields and… cows?

Ofelia grinned even wider than before, and turned her head towards us.

"This is where Susan and I met," she smiled, and looked back and Aunt Susan to plant a kiss on her cheek.

I remembered how Aunt Susan had told me about her and Ofelia's first encounter, and how they had both been drunkenly trying to tip cows. I glanced over at Elsa who I assumed knew the story, and I could see she found the whole thing so adorably cute that she was about to melt. I squeezed her hand lightly, and pulled her closer to me so I could drape an arm around her shoulders.

Aunt Susan suddenly dug her hands into Ofelia's sides and tickled for a few seconds before sprinting off into the field scatted with lazy cows.

"Come on!" She yelled happily, "those cows down tip themselves!"

Ofelia quickly ran after her, gracefully snaking her way through the many many ruminants. Elsa laughed a little as we slowly walked the direction Aunt Susan and Ofelia had run. Elsa was swinging our intertwined hand back and forth for every step we took. I caught a glimpse of Aunt Susan running towards some poor cow, yelling "I got this one!"

I couldn't help but shake my head, and laugh at how ridiculous they were being.

"Cow tipping is impossible," I stated. "Scientifically speaking tipping over that beast of a cow over there would probably take freaking 3000 newtons of force, which is pretty unrealistic for a single person," I said in my best engineering voice, almost frustrated by Aunt Susan's naivety.

"Wow," Elsa laughed, "I didn't know you were such dork."

I shrugged, snaking my arms around her and pulling her closer to me. She rested a hand on my cheek.

"A cute dork," she added before she kissed me.

For the record, cow tipping is practically a myth. It's not possible to freaking tip over a cow, because (1) it doesn't freaking sleep standing up, and (2) if you were to tip a freaking cow it would freaking take two people at _minimum. _Anyhow, of course Ofelia and Aunt Susan knew this, because well, they tried it. Actually, their interpretation of cow tipping went something along the lines of darting towards the poor cow as fast as they could with their arms spread wide, and then meet the cow in a massive awkward hug. The cow would hardly even move, but just keep on chewing it's cud.

That went on for about an hour. Elsa and I had a blast though, because we just huddled up on the hood of Aunt Susan's car. I wrapped Elsa in a couple of blankets and held her close. I kissed the top of her head, and tried ignoring the fact that her gloves were kept together by duct tape. It took all of my will power not to mention it, because I wanted this day to remain perfect. It was so rare to come by such perfect days. It ended too soon anyway. Soon it became too dark and too cold to stay out any longer. We dropped Elsa and Ofelia off, and I didn't have a valid excuse to sleep over at Elsa's house. Not tonight, because my mom had just texted me, saying that she expected both Aunt Susan and I to attend dinner. And despite the fact that I was as far from hungry as humanly possible, I couldn't just stay away from my family for all eternity because it would be easier that way. Besides, Aunt Susan was coming as well, so that at least cheered me up at bit.

I kissed Elsa goodbye through the car window, and told her I couldn't wait to see her tomorrow.

* * *

I was standing in the kitchen chopping up some red bell peppers for dinner. The radio was on, which was nice for a change. My dad was in the living room, reading the paper, and Aunt Susan said she wanted to take a quick bath before dinner.

My mother was standing by the oven checking on the roast. We hadn't spoken much. No, I'd merely chopped vegetables in silence the whole time. I felt her eyes rest on me for a while. I could almost feel in the lack of her movement that she was looking at me. I couldn't tell in what way though, but if I knew my mother right, she was probably looking at me worriedly.

"Honey?" Her frail little voice spoke.

"Yeah Mom?" I answered, while I kept chopping the peppers.

"You know you can talk to me, right? About anything."

That statement made me stop what I was doing to slowly turn around and look at her. It worried me where the need to tell me that came from.

"Um… yeah. I know that," I said half-heartedly. Could I? Could I really talk to her about anything?"

"You would tell me if something was up, right? Like… if you were in any sort of trouble?"

Okay, I permitted myself to slightly freak out now, because why would she say anything of the sort if she didn't think I was in some sort of trouble?

"Mom you're scaring me, what's going on?"

"Nothing," she answered innocently, her eyes almost blank with confusion – as if she had no idea where my worries had emerged. "I just wanted to make sure that you knew," she assured me, brushing my bangs over my head and cupping my cheeks. Then she stroked her thumb over my cheek once, tried smiling but almost failed, and walked away.

* * *

**A/N:** I did more cow research on this chapter than I'd like to admit (Wikipedia btw). I apologize if there are spelling errors. I wrote this while I was very tired, and I'm not sure if I caught them all.

Anyway, hello folks! I just have a few words to share :) I want to thank some of you dear readers for showing concern when I didn't follow my usual updating schedule. I've been pretty sick, but hey, I'm all good now!

Also, in regards to the fics that are being taken down: I'm going to keep posting my stories here. However, I also created an account on AO3. My name is Bananaviking and the stories can be found under the same titles. I haven't posted them yet, but I will probably do it in a near future (especially if they decide to take down my stories here.) Thank you to the guest who gave me the heads up! I wouldn't have known if it hadn't been for you, so thanks! :)

As always, stay awesome!


	20. Love and Hate

**Chapter 20 – Love and Hate**

**Heads up/Warning: **This chapter and upcoming chapters may seem a bit angsty. Like I told you in the very beginning, don't be surprised if things get a bit sad. Also, Ice Roses is up and running on my AO3 account as well as Arendelle Airlines. Enjoy :)

* * *

Do you ever just wake up knowing its going to be a horrible day? Like, not in the sense that you know what the day withholds just yet, but you can almost sense by everything and everyone around you that this day will be absolutely horrific? Well, that morning wasn't one of those mornings. I woke up with a feeling that this was actually going to be a somewhat great day. I was seeing Elsa, and we were spending the day together. Then I would have dinner at Tiana's. Yeah, that day felt like it was going to be pretty damn great. I didn't know how I could've been so wrong.

It all started out so perfect. Well, as perfect as you can start a morning with my mom and dad under the same roof. My mom had this weird thing about pleasing everyone. I mean, no matter how angry she was at you, she would still wake up and cook you breakfast. I heard her and my dad fight last night. I didn't know what they were fighting about, but it sure was loud. They could both be rather loud when things got heated – which was rare to be honest.

So despite their massive fight the day before, my mom was still standing by the stove scrambling up some eggs for my dad. My dad was sitting by the end of the table, legs crossed, reading his newspaper. Aunt Susan was still sleeping. That woman could sleep forever it seemed. Sometimes I envied her. I must been nice to find comfort in sleep. When I was younger and Aunt Susan was visiting, I would climb into her bed whenever mom and dad were arguing. She would hold me close and tell me all these stories about her adventures on the road. I would cry, but she would just keep on telling about all the wonders she'd discovered and the amazing people she'd met along the way. I'd finally fall asleep in her arms, and she'd carry me to bed when the arguing was over. Needless to say, I didn't do that anymore, seek to my aunt for comfort that way I mean. I guess in a sense I had Elsa for that now. And I wanted to be that for Elsa, but it always seemed as if Elsa was the one to comfort me, and never the other way around.

Either way, I wasn't lost in a web of thoughts that morning for once. No, it was just plain simple: eat breakfast, get to Elsa, dinner at Tiana's. But then everything turned so complicated. My day could be broken down into three parts. Three parts of horror if you'd like.

Part 1 started out something like this. My mom had just put down my oatmeal and fruit salad in front of me, and I was about to dig in. Then my dad put down his newspaper, and took a sip of coffee.

"Anna, your mother has something she would like to talk to you about," he uttered and then looked to my mom who stood suddenly wide-eyed by the sink.

"Angus, I thought we were going to wait-"

"What's the point Adrianna? What difference does it make?" He shot back.

My mother realized her defeat, and sat down across from me next to my dad. She folded her hands in her lap, and my dad crossed his arms over his big chest.

"Anna, we've decided to enroll you back in school. Your break is over, and you start in two weeks."

I almost dropped my spoon. Luckily I didn't or else there would've been oatmeal splattered everywhere. My mouth hung slightly open as I was trying to process what my mother had just thrown at me.

"Wait what?" I said dumbly, and put down my spoon to rub my eyes.

"You're starting Monday two weeks from now," my mother repeated.

I was glad I'd put down my spoon because I was very tempted to throw something at them. Both of them. Both my mom and dad. Even though my dad hadn't said anything, but the way he just sat there acting all better-knowing pissed me off beyond belief. And then the pressure hit me, and I was crushed. All these feelings, that weren't really feelings, were back and I was slowly suffocating on the awful pressure from academics I wasn't even attending yet. I wanted to crawl back into my room and build my cave again, and just stay in there, but stay in there forever this time.

I was trying to gather myself, at least enough to say something. Anything really.

"So, I don't get a say in this?" I asked. I couldn't believe this. They were literally trying to kill me. As if the recruiter hadn't been enough, I was about to be swallowed whole again by the numbness and sadness. School just had that effect on me lately, and I couldn't handle it right now. With school, and with Elsa working, how were we supposed to make time for each other?

My mom shook her head. Her face was stern. She was ready to stand her ground on this one, I could sense it in the way she was trying to establish some sort of superiority with her eyes. She didn't look that tough. In fact, this looked like it was hurting her. My dad on the other hand. He seemed to like seeing me squirm.

"No, it's already decided Anna," my dad swooped in and said. And that just did it.

"You can't do this! You had no right without consulting me!" I argued. My voice wasn't harsh in any way. It was rather weak and small actually. The old Anna had a temper that went off like a defect piece of fireworks. This new Anna wasn't left with much, not even a short fused temper. The old Anna almost hadn't left me anything actually.

"We have all the right in the world," my dad opposed. "If you want to live in this house, you're going to school. End of discussion."

Those were his final words because he grabbed his coffee and his eggs and went to finish off his breakfast in the garage. I looked to my mom as soon as he was gone.

"Mom, please… I can't do this," I cried. Well, I wasn't exactly crying, but I could feel the tears assembling in my eyes.

"Sorry Anna. But it's already decided. We're only doing this because we think it's for the best," she said. Then she got up, brushed my bangs away from my forehead and kissed it. She disappeared into the living room, leaving me all broken and ruined. I mean, it was as if my mom and dad had just thrown a grenade into the kitchen and left me to pick up the pieces.

I was too broken to even eat. I pushed my bowl away from me, and buried my face in my hands. What was I supposed to do? I _knew_ school was a bad idea. Just the mere thought of it had me want to run away forever. I'd come a long way since I'd met Elsa. A really long way. But I was nowhere near ready for this yet. I felt as if a slight breeze could make the house of cards Elsa and I had neatly assembled fall over. We weren't even done building. Not even halfway.

Breathing was becoming a struggle. I was sitting all alone by the dining room table with a cold bowl of oatmeal in front of me struggling to breathe because I couldn't get my shit together. That wasn't true. I couldn't get my _life_ together. That sounded better at least.

I pushed my chair back, and practically ran to the door. I had to get outside, because the air in here didn't want to cooperative with me. Maybe the air outside would reach my lungs. But it didn't, so I stumbled towards my car, and ripped open the door. I sat in there for quite a while. It wasn't as bad as it had been on the court that day we had lost the game and the recruiter hadn't scouted me, but it sure as hell wasn't pleasant. I was all sweaty and gross as the insane amount of adrenaline was working its way out of my system. I was holding a hand to my heart, desperately pulling the neck of my shirt to make room to breathe. I was afraid these attacks would become a regular thing. I was dizzy and done for, and couldn't really decide on what to do. I reached for some honey sticks in the glove compartment because sugar might help, and it did. My hands were still trembling, but I felt as if I was capable of driving.

I drove around for a few hours, pretty much just wasting gas. I wanted to clear my mind before I went to Elsa's place. She couldn't know about this just yet, because I was still utterly determined on having a decent-ass day, and I couldn't worry her with this. Also because everything seemed to revolve around me lately, and that wasn't fair in a relationship. I was done burdening Elsa, at least for another day. I knew I was breaking my promise to her by not telling her about my panic attack, but she couldn't have done anything about it anyway. Honestly, I just wanted to pretend that I didn't have to start school again, at least just for today. Just one more day reality where didn't have to ruin my life.

So I drove to Elsa with every intention of it being amazing and perfect as always. Boy was I wrong.

* * *

I arrived at Elsa's house that afternoon with a somewhat clear mind. Driving seemed to have helped, along with the honey sticks. I was completely determined on having a great rest of the day with Elsa, without ever having to mention the talk with my parents that morning. I swore to myself that I would tell Elsa the day after because I didn't want to keep her in the dark. That wouldn't be fair to her. But I figured giving or taking a day wouldn't hurt.

As soon as Elsa had opened the door and I'd stepped inside the house, I grabbed her shoulders, and pulled her into a kiss. Then I closed the door and helped her push back the dresser. Ofelia was out, supposedly working, or maybe hanging out with my aunt, I couldn't tell.

As Elsa was about to take the first up the staircase, I came up from behind and swept her off of her feet. I carried her bridal style to her bedroom where we had hot and passionate sex for about an hour. It felt good, and I felt as if I needed it. I needed Elsa close to me right now, because I could feel the darkness slowly attempt to swallow me again, and that scared me.

We were in bed for a little while until it got too cold to lay without any clothes on. I walked to the door to pick up some of our discarded clothes we'd lost in the heat of the moment. I threw Elsa's pants at her, along with her gloves. I looked down at them, the gloves I mean. They were completely torn to shreds, only kept together by some tired non-sticky duct tape. I poked my finger through one of the holes by the tip of one on the fingers.

"Could you toss me those, I'm freezing," I heard Elsa mumble through her clattering teeth. She was pointing towards her socks that hung over the mirror. I tossed her the socks along with her gloves. I finished dressing and maneuvered myself back to the bed next to Elsa. I was ready to just go to sleep and snuggle up next to her. Elsa was still sitting up as she was putting on her socks. When she finally attempted to put on her gloves, one of them ripped and her hand went right through. Now it just looked like a sad 5-armed octopus bracelet made out of cloth and duct tape.

"Oh bullocks," Elsa murmured under her breath. She wrapped the piece of clothing around her hand anyway, but it no longer sufficed as anything remotely surficial to provide warmth. I could see the frustration in her eyes as she so desperately wanted the torn glove to cover her cold hand.

I sat up next to her and kissed her on the cheek. Carefully I brushed her hair away from her face and kissed her temple. Then I said something without thinking. Not that it was a complete surprise that Anna Lykke would say something without processing it first. But I just couldn't help it. Or maybe I was at my breaking point and finally couldn't resist anymore. Either way, this led up to part 2 of my day of horror.

"I can buy you a new pair of gloves if you'd like," I said into her ear.

Elsa said nothing for a little while. She'd gone still when she heard the words fall from my lips. Then she laid back down and rolled onto her side, away from me. She was facing the wall, and I was just sitting behind her watching her.  
"No thanks, I'll figure something out…," she mumbled.  
I decided to lay down as well, being the big spoon. My arms came around to hug her to my chest. I took those cold hands of hers in mine to warm them up. They felt stiff in my hands.  
"It's really no trouble. I wouldn't mind...," I tried.

Elsa sighed deeply.  
"Please, can we just not...?" She didn't sound angry at all. She sounded more tired than anything else.  
"What? What's wrong?" I asked, because I honestly didn't understand.

Elsa sighed again, even deeper this time. Then she slowly sat up straight, causing me to roll onto my back. She pulled her knees to her chest. She was looking to the floor. I lifted my torso just high enough so that I could rest on my elbows. It took a little while for Elsa to reply. I waited patiently.  
"I just... I can take of myself Anna. I always have," she said.

Of course she could. Of course Elsa could take care of herself. I knew that! I knew that more than anything in this world! But that didn't change anything. It had no effect on how my need to protect her merely grew stronger every time I looked at her, every time I hugged, kissed, or held her close.

I sat up completely now, pulling my legs up far enough so I could rest my elbows on my knees.  
"But I _want_ to do this for you. I _want _to take care of you," I stated, brushing a hand gently over her back. I could feel that my touch was unwanted, so I retrieved my hand. Elsa still wouldn't look at me.  
"Please, I don't need your charity. I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself," she then said. Her voice wasn't as frail and small as before. She wanted to get a message across, and she surely succeeded.

"Elsa I'm not doing this out of pity if that's what you think."  
"Could we just not do this?" She asked again.

Elsa got up and walked to the window. She was wrapping her arms around herself to warm herself up. Today just didn't seem to want to get better, and I was slowly starting to realize that maybe I was just supposed to have a horrible day. Maybe I should just come to terms with it, because ignoring it and swallowing Elsa's words wouldn't save my day now. So for once, I decided to push a little. Just a little. It was already a horrible day, so really? Would trying this out make it that much worse?

I moved myself to the edge of the bed and threw my legs over the side. I sat there, looking at Elsa who was skillfully avoiding my gaze.  
"...no. We should talk about this. Is that really what you think? That I'm trying to buy you?" I asked her.

Elsa quickly drew her body into a defensive position. She threw her arms aggressively down to her sides and clenched her fists.  
"No Anna! You're trying to _save me_! And I don't need saving! I was fine before I met you."

Even though the numbness was never far away, her words still hurt. Elsa was upset, I could see that. All I could do was keep speaking to her gently.  
"That's not fair," I said calmly. "You know that's not what I'm trying to do. I understand that you're proud. And you should be. I respect that. I'm so freaking impressed by you Elsa, and I don't understand how an angel with so much backbone ended up with me. But here we are, and I intend to stay and work this out."

Elsa said nothing, she still wouldn't even look at me. I got up from the bed now and walked to her. Without touching her, I placed myself in front of her. I could feel she didn't want to be touched right now, but I at least wanted her to look at me. Because the truth at least deserved to be told while looking the other person in the eye.

"Alright," I said. "I'm just going to put the cards on the table. I don't feel good about you living here. It's not safe, and you and Ofelia are freezing. It's no secret that I want you out of this house. I mean, what's gonna happen when they finally decide to tear down these houses?"  
Elsa was quiet. Her arms wrapped around herself again now. She was looking down, her chin almost meeting her chest. A tear fell from her eye, and landed flat on the floor. The _splat_ broke the deadening silence.  
"What do you want me to do? Some people wasn't born with everything handed to them," she spat.

Ouch. That one hurt.

I knew she was indirectly referring to me. A few years ago, such accusation would have set me off like a gunshot. I would have lost my temper, felt like it would have been an attack of my character. But I knew this wasn't about me. This was about Elsa and her insecurities poverty had resulted in.

I took a deep breath before I spoke again.  
"Can we just stop ignoring the elephant in the room? To be honest, I think I've been damn good at respecting your boundaries and wishes for not giving you things. But we can't just go on like this, and ignore it. Elsa you've lost weight. You don't get enough to eat."

She looked so fragile as she stood there crying. She was biting her bottom lip to avoid sobbing, I could tell. She was too angry with me to let me see how hurt she was by the situation. But despite her anger, I still had every intention of kissing away every insecurity, any traumatic experiences, hell any bad dream she had ever had. I would give her all my love, in return for hers. At least all the love my body could muster.  
I stepped towards her. I pulled her close. She pushed me away. I took a step back.  
"You don't understand..." Elsa mumbled. She sniffled once.  
"Then try to make me understand Elsa. I'm trying to understand... I really am."  
I really _was _trying. But if what she was telling me was to leave her alone and let poverty slowly kill her, then I would never ever want to understand. If that was the case, I would never even want to _try_ to understand.

"I've worked so hard to get where I am now. I'm getting by. But that's apparently not good enough...," Elsa whispered.

I was afraid to touch her, fearing she might push me away again. Elsa shouldn't feel embedded to touch me if she didn't want to, not for the sake of me and my bad conscience.  
"Of course it's good enough," I assured her. I really wanted to rub her arms as I said it. "You've _always_ been good enough. But life have so much more to offer than this. Living from day to day... It's stressful. The sense of never feeling safe... Elsa I want you to feel safe. With me."

"And what do you suggest?" Elsa spat almost angrily.

I shrugged, because I was good at shrugging at serious stuff.

"I don't know. We'll find a place to live. I'll get a job or something."

Elsa sniffled again. Her hand came up to wipe away a tear from under her eye.  
"... What about Ofelia?" She mumbled.  
I wrapped my arms around her. She finally let me. I was so relieved when she didn't pull away. Her head rested on my shoulder.  
"She'll move with us. Of course there's going to be room for her. I know how much she means to you," I said to her. "You'll get a job, and we can all live together," I said soothingly as I rubbed her back. I could feel her tears soak through the fabric of my shirt.

Elsa's hands were suddenly on my chest, and for the second time, she pushed me away. She practically tore away from me, and walked to her dresser where she looked at herself in the broken mirror hanging on the wall above it. She wiped away all the tears that she'd shed, only leaving her puffy red cheeks as evidence of her sadness.

"Be realistic, Anna. You know as well as I do that jobs don't hang on trees around here. At some point, you're going to go off to college again, and I'll be here. So could we just please forget about all of this. Things are fine, and we should just accept them as they are," she spoke into the mirror, only briefly looking at me through it.

I walked up behind her, keep a safe distance.

"I know that's not you speaking Elsa. That right there, that's the voice of fear. You're afraid to abandon what you know and take a leap of faith."

"Would you stop analyzing me?!" She turned around and yelled.

"Would you stop yelling at me?!" I roared back.

I knew from that moment I'd lost.

"Anna. You can't save me. Just accept it," she bit at me. She pulled her hair into a ponytail, suddenly seeming more interested in fixing her hair than the conversation she was having with me. Admittedly it pissed me off that she chose to seem so distracted.

"Why are you so fucking reluctant to just admit that you're scared!" I shouted.

"It's called common sense. Look it up. And I'm not one of the characters in your precious writing. This isn't a fairytale," Elsa scoffed.

"Do you even hear yourself!?" I stressed.

Elsa finally turned around and looked me straight in the eye.

"Have you considered that I maybe like this lifestyle?! I don't have to listen to anyone, I can do what I want! I could just pick up and leave any moment if I wanted to!"

"What's stopping you then?!" I yelled back.

Elsa's face suddenly dropped. I'd never seen so much fury on that beautiful face of hers. Fury and sadness. She turned her back to me one final time.

"I think I would like you to leave," she said.

Her words hit me like a punch to the stomach. She was actually throwing me out. I snatched my jacket and left. I didn't even want to wait for the slim possibility of Elsa changing her mind, and saying she was sorry and didn't mean it. The possibility was too slim anyway.

I couldn't believe it. In a way, money was the main cause of our first fight. The thing that had brought us together was also so painfully tearing us apart. It all started with a penny and it might damn well end with a penny. It might as well end in greed and hate, because that's what humans did, because they were power hungry animals.

I walked downstairs. There I was met by a very tired Ofelia. It was clear to me that she had heard the whole thing, at least by the way she was leaning up against the railing as I walking down the squeaky stairs. Her black hair was tied back, but a few strands still stood straight up into the air.

I was utterly determined on ignoring her and getting the hell out of there, but she took a step forward as I reached the bottom step. I couldn't just walk past her now, at least not without bumping shoulders with her, and that probably wasn't the best idea at said moment. I wouldn't want her to think I was a destructive asshole who just came here to fight with Elsa and disrespect her in her own home.

"Hey," Ofelia said. And I nodded in return, too angry to even respond with real words. Well, I wasn't exactly sure what, or how I felt. Was I angry? Was I upset? All my emotions seemed so slurred, and I was just so crushed by the whole day. Somehow, I wanted to laugh. I wanted to laugh for some weird reason. As if my body couldn't tell what I was feeling, so why not just laugh it all off?

"Do you want to talk about it?" Ofelia offered.

"No," I said, because I really really didn't want to talk about it anymore. I was so ready to just go home and bury myself under my covers. Screw dinner at Tiana's, nothing could save this day anymore.

"Is everything okay?" Ofelia then asked.

I looked at her. Her eyes reminded me of Elsa's.

"No."

I wanted to walk past her, but Ofelia grabbed my arm. Not forcefully or anything, she just grabbed it gently to make me stop and listen to her for a second.

"Listen, I heard you fighting up there," Ofelia said.

She sighed as if there was no hope left in this entire world.

"You can't just think you can fix everything A. This is our life, and has been long before you came along. Don't get me wrong, I know you would do anything for Elsa, and I mean, I really like you, but there are just some things you can't change. Trust me, Susan have been trying for years. So just drop it," the black haired woman said.

Her words didn't make sense to me. I refused to accept anything she was saying.  
"Things can change. They have to change. The only way things can't change is because things are accepted as they are. I can't accept this. I won't. She deserves so much better," I expressed. Those were my honest words. I was just hoping Ofelia could handle them.  
"Better than what Anna? Me? This life that Elsa and I have built together?"

It was almost as if no one was listening to what I was saying. First my mom and dad, now Ofelia and Elsa. Did I not have a say in anything?  
"You're putting words in my mouth now. You make it sound like this is the optimal way of living - that it's normal and okay. It's not okay. You guys don't get enough to eat, you freeze at night, and you never know when you'll be ambushed by some random cop dropping by," I argued, feeling some sort of anger swell inside of me. Or something. Those damn emotions, or whatever they were.  
"What's our alternative? Seriously what do you suggest? That _you_ save us? Like we're some damsels in distress that needs some classy handball-star white girl who need a confidence boost that comes and saves our asses?" Ofelia almost sounded offended now. Just like Elsa had.  
"Damn it! Why is it so hard for you to accept help!? Can't you see what pride does to people? Isn't there enough of that shit in this world already?"

I tore my arm out of Ofelia's weak grip. In my attempt to exit, I nearly tipped over the dresser.  
"Anna just accept it. The sooner the better, for your own sake," Ofelia's words were filled with pity.

I walked out into the cold, making fresh prints in the new snow.  
"No," I stated firmly over my shoulder.

Apparently my stubbornness never failed me, no matter how emotionally distressed I was. I guess that's the only thing the old Anna had left me. At least she'd left _something_ behind.

* * *

I drove home and went straight to bed after my talk with Ofelia. I didn't even want dinner. I was fed up for the day. That's when part 3, and the final part, of my horrible day took place. It all started when I heard a knock on the door.

Deep under my comforter I laid buried like a little Anna-cocoon. I flopped over my comforter when I heard the knock.

"Come in," I mumbled barely audible.

Aunt Susan walked in a moment after, which was odd, because Aunt Susan never waited until I'd given her the green light to enter. I sat up as she closed the door. Aunt Susan approached slowly, another thing that seemed unusual. But today had been plenty of crazy, so why not just throw in a tiny bit more of crazy, just to make me go a little bit more insane?

"Hey," Aunt Susan said in a low tone of voice. She looked at my face, but I did not intend to meet her gaze. I was looking towards the ceiling. My cheeks were a little warm from the intense heating session I'd had under the covers.

"Is everything alright?" She asked with a voice so full of concern I almost flinched. But on the other hand, I was back to not really caring anymore.

I sighed heavily, trying to contain an overwhelming wave of emotions that maybe-perhaps-probably weren't even there. And if they were, I didn't have the energy to make sense of them.

"Terrific," I growled. "Yeah, everything is just fucking perfect."

I jumped out of bed as I spoke. Then I threw my hands up and restlessly walked around my room, fighting the urge to kick something.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Okay then…," Aunt Susan said, for once unsure of how to proceed.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to contain an angry sigh. I wanted Aunt Susan to leave already, because I was a afraid it would only be a matter of seconds before I ripped someone's head off. I wished happiness would come as easily as anger. Imagine that. Imagine how many people's life's would suddenly be turned around. Anger was a forceful emotion, selfishly pushing itself through, overruling much else really. It's kind of dominant in that way. Anger is a feeling that can be felt throughout your entire body. Your hands clench into fists. Your jaw tightens. Your muscles are flexed. The entirety of your body reacts so intensely to just this one emotion. But there was one thing that stood out to me as I was letting this greedy emotion swallow me. I _felt _it. It was clear for the first time that day. I felt it entirely, it wasn't just an emotion hanging shallowly beneath the surface like everything else.

"Listen…," my aunt said.

I knew Aunt Susan could sense that I preferred to be left alone in that moment. She wouldn't have continued unless it was important, which was what made me focus on her, and try to push back the anger. But I almost couldn't control it. It was too intense.

"I spoke to your mom earlier. She's pretty worried about you," she said, and her statement kind of took me aback, because why so suddenly would my mom be worried about me? I knew she was always worried about me, but what made _right now_ particularly stand out? And if she was oh so worried, why try to kill me by sending me back to school prematurely?

My aunt looked at me now. She could see I wasn't dealing well. She could sense this probably wasn't the right time for anything.

"She told me she ran into Sven a couple of days ago. She asked him about his New Year's party, and whether you guys had had a good time. He told her that he hadn't heard from you in months. Anna, your mom thinks you're in some sort of trouble. She asked me if I thought you were on drugs or something like that," she stated in all seriousness.

_Oh no. I can't deal with this now… _of all times, my mom had to worry about the possibility that I might have a drug problem _now_? Was that why she was sending back to school? Thinking she was getting me back on track?

"I thought you should know. Of course I tried to convince her that you weren't, but I couldn't really explain to her the real reason for all of this sneaking around," Aunt Susan added.

So that's why Sven had rejected me like that. He was probably pissed that I had the audacity to use him as an excuse when I didn't even have the decency to call. I guess I deserved it. I hadn't been a very good friend. Not for a long time.

"Maybe it's time to tell them, Anna." The words fell from Aunt Susan's lips completely unexpected. It wasn't a question. I wasn't sure whether it was a suggestion either.

I sat down on the edge of my bed and rubbed my eyes. I felt Aunt Susan's hand stroke my back. With the heel of my hands I was rubbing my temples.

"Anna…," my aunt said soothingly, trying to get my attention. "Talk to me, Honey."

I rested my elbows on my knees.

"I can't…," I mumbled.

"You can't what, Sweetie?" She said sweetly, brushing my hair away from my face.

"I just can't…"

"I know it's hard, Pumpkin. But you and I both know it's kind of inevitable."

I fell back on my bed. Aunt Susan just sat and looked at me.

"No," I said.

Aunt Susan looked perplexed for a second.

"No. I can't right now. I'm not ready Aunt Susan, Dad would freak! Mom would faint! I mean, things haven't exactly been going smoothly lately. I need more time. I need to figure this out myself first," I said. Actually, I growled the last part. Not at Aunt Susan though.

"Figure what out Honey?"

That question simply made the glass spill over. That was the last drop. Anger swallowed me whole now, like a giant sea monster eating it's pray and after pulling it down to the bottom.

"Don't you see?!_ I_ wasn't supposed to be gay!" I cried. Tears were streaming down my face. "You always hear about everyone else being gay, and that's fine. I don't care who people love! I just never expected me to be gay. Why did it have to be me!? I just need to figure things out, okay? Just… I need a little more time. Because I know as soon as I tell them, I can't un-tell them. The label sticks. You can't just casually sneak back into the closet. And what if it's just Elsa? What if she's the only girl I like, and will ever like? I'm not sure about anything! What if it's all just in my head!?"

I was crying pretty hard now. It wasn't just because of the fight with Elsa anymore, or Sven hating me or me starting school. It was everything. It was this whole situation. This whole life. Nothing seemed manageable in any way. I was having a hard time seeing any form of joy or sunshine anywhere.

Aunt Susan had wrapped me in her arms, and I was sobbing into her shoulder. I clutched onto her as if I was about to be torn away from her forever.


	21. Could You Call Another Time?

**Chapter 21 – Could You Call Another Time?**

**Heads up/Warning: **Angsty chapter, along with a lot of swearing.

* * *

Aunt Susan slept in my room that night. If I'd known I would sleep so soundly with Aunt Susan around I would have had her sleep over more often. Maybe it was just because I was completely drained from energy. I'd been so worn out and tapped from energy when Aunt Susan had tucked me in.

After I was done sobbing on her shoulder, I told her about school. I told her about me and Elsa's fight, and the conversation I had had with Ofelia afterwards. Aunt Susan and I had a long talk about the fight between Elsa and I. She told me she'd had the exact same fight with Ofelia years ago. Aunt Susan truly wanted Ofelia and Elsa out of that environment, but it was difficult to actually do anything about it when you weren't financially secure yourself. If Aunt Susan had just had her own apartment, she would have moved Elsa and Ofelia in there by force. But that wasn't a reality, because like Elsa said, jobs didn't hang on trees and life wasn't a fairytale.

Aunt Susan decided to take me to _Tiana's_ for pancakes to cheer me up. But Elsa was most likely standing by her corner, and I really couldn't handle a confrontation right now. So we went to _Jim's_ instead. They didn't have nearly as good pancakes, but hey, waffles were a thing too. As long as I could drown it in chocolate syrup, I was good. Aunt Susan was chatting with the owner, an old pal of hers. I was just silently eating my waffles in peace. I was trying to chew loudly so I couldn't hear my own thoughts.

After breakfast (which could probably be considered more of an early lunch), Aunt Susan and I took a stroll through town – tactically avoiding Elsa's corner. Aunt Susan then went to put gas on the car before we drove home, and I decided to just sit and wait on the bench outside of _Jim's_ until she was back. Time passed slowly. I didn't even have any music to make it speed up. So I looked at the birds and the people and the sky and everything around me, and found that, hey, this lousy little town wasn't too bad. I kept looking at everything and everyone, until my eyes feel upon this brown-haired dude walking up the sidewalk coming my way. He had brown eyes, and was wearing a long black coat. He was around my age, and of course he was around my age, because it was freaking Sven who was walking my way and I didn't really know what to do.

He didn't notice me until I had gotten up from the bench and we were practically standing right in front of each other.

None of us said anything. I just looked into Sven's brown eyes, and he looked back into mine.

"Sven, I-" I said, but was interrupted rather acutely.

"I don't even want to hear it Anna," Sven said dismissively, and passed me without sparing me as much as a second glance.

I watched as he walked away. He didn't even have the decency to turn around and shoot me an angry glance. Somehow, that would've made me feel so much better. I hated this cold shoulder act people tended to give me. Like my dad usually gave me. There was something about suffering in silence that just amplified the hurt. Silence sometimes just hurt more than actual words. Because with actual words, you know the person at least feel like you're worth the time yelling at. In a way, it would be kind of nice of them to yell at you if they were angry with you. It just meant that you were worth enough to them to fight for.

"Hey, you alright?" Aunt Susan asked as she put a hand on my shoulder.

I hadn't realized she'd returned with the car. I didn't know how long I'd stood there looking after Sven.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I growled and got in the car.

I wasn't alright. I was anything but alright. Things couldn't actually be worse than right now. And I wasn't the type of person who thought "Hey! Things can only brighten up now since I've hit rock bottom!" I wasn't that type of person anymore. I used to be, but honestly, I wasn't sure whether this was rock bottom. That was what I was scared of. What if this wasn't rock bottom?

Aunt Susan drove me home and dropped me off. She said she would go to check on Ofelia and Elsa. She said she was going to have a talk with Ofelia. I didn't really care. It was a waste of time and effort to try to talk sense into those two. Just knowing that Aunt Susan had had the exact same fight with Ofelia years ago simply discouraged me even further. How was this between Elsa and I going to work? If this was how things were going to be, Elsa and I were already at the finish line. Our relationship wouldn't be able to move forward. We were already here, this wouldn't develop any further, and I wasn't sure if this was enough. There was nothing great and exciting to look forward to. No moving in together. No coming home after a long day on the job and not having to worry about affording dinner. No waking up in the middle of the night to comfort our child. No family vacations or sending our kid off to college. None of that.

I was laying on my bed. Earbuds plugged in. Just listening. But not really hearing. It didn't really matter to me what song was playing, because I was crying anyway. Everything was just a bit too much right now. The world just seemed a little big, and I didn't really know my place in it anymore. The tears tickled as they ran down my face. The drops rolled down, aiming for my ears. The earbuds preventing them in their journey though. I wished the water would cause some sort electrical discharge, so the earbuds could zap my brain. It was completely fried anyway.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I snatched it from my jeans and looked at the caller ID. Before answering it, I ripped out my headphones.

"Hello Hans," I said into the phone.

"Hi," he said.

He didn't sound happy.

"I need a favor."

_You have a magic ability to call at the worst possible of times,_ I thought. My free hand rubbed my forehead. I felt a headache creeping on.

"The answer is no, Hans."

"No, you're going to help me out this time. I need some money," he said determinedly.

"How much are we talking…?" I asked skeptically.

"1000 bucks," he then said, and I nearly choked on my own spit.

"Are you freaking insane!?"

I felt Hans pause. Something was up, I could sense it. I waited for him to speak, still rubbing my forehead.

"Anna," Hans said firmly, "I know."

Wait, what did he just say? He sounded so serious. So desperate. I just stopped moving all at once. Then I sat up.

"What do you mean?" I asked him.

Another slight pause.

"I know about you and that girl. I know you're gay."

My blood ran cold. I'm not saying that to describe how stunned I was, it literally ran cold. You know the feeling; it's like internal goosebumps making every drop of blood in you make a tiny little jump while turning into ice. This all happened within a millisecond, and at the same time I thought of what to say. Of course there was only one way around this: denial.

"What? I don't know what you're talking about," I announced casually, trying to make Hans feel like an idiot for making such silly accusations. But Hans didn't buy it. That son of a jackass didn't buy it.

"Yes you do. I saw you sneak out on Christmas. I went to your room and saw you climb down the tree. Then I read some of the stuff you wrote. About her. Eyes like crystal meth? You're such a loser. Anyway, I followed you."

"You don't know what you saw."

"Oh please, Anna. I'm not stupid. You're fucking homo, and you're being homo with some hobo chick. And I'm going to tell mom and dad if you don't help me out." I could feel the victory in his voice. He had me wrapped around his little finger.

"What? Are you fucking mental? Are you going to fucking blackmail me like this?" My voice was frigid.

"If it gets me 1000 dollars, sure as hell I'm going to blackmail you like this."

My mind was screaming all sorts of nasty things about my brother as I was trying to reason with him. There was no denying it any longer. He knew. Now I just had to find a way to keep his mouth shut.

"You can't tell them, Hans. Dad and I aren't exactly on good terms lately. You know how he is. This would kill me," I begged. I was begging and pleading. That was all that I could do.

"Then give me the money and I won't tell."

_Give him the money Anna,_ my mind reasoned. Money was the source of all evil anyway. Money were only able to buy materialistic things. Would it really be so bad to give into Hans' demands?

Yes. Yes, it would.

It wouldn't just be bad. It would be completely soul-tearing. It wasn't a matter of value anymore. He could've asked for 50 dollars, my answer would've been the same. No, it was about not giving in. About not letting yourself be pushed around. It was about having a spine. Because Hans could use this against me forever if I didn't show him that I wouldn't let him. I needed to show him I wasn't weak. If I showed him how much I was willing to sacrifice to stand my ground, he wouldn't dare tell mom and dad. Hans simply didn't have the balls.

"Its my money, Hans. I worked my ass off to get it. I need it."

"For what? You live at home, you got a scholarship! What the hell do you need the money for?" He asked with an utter lack of understanding.

I took a deep breath and spoke to him firmly. No signs of weakness now.

"The future. And I didn't work like a fucking dog just for the money to go to some ridiculous gambling dept."

"What future, Anna? You got everything at your feet. Just give me the damn money!"

"No Hans! I need it!"

"Don't say I didn't warn you!"

"Hans please! Please you can't-" And the line disconnected.

I withdrew the phone from me ear, and just sat and looked at it for a moment. The screen went black after a minute, but I just kept looking at it.

These were empty threats. They had to be. Hans didn't have to guts.

I heard the phone chime downstairs. Without thinking, I sprinted out of my room faster than humanely possible. Almost falling face first down the stairs, I made it to the bottom of the staircase, just in time to watch as my mother picked up the phone. My mind was going berserk, hating me for not just agreeing to Hans' demands. I walked to her. She was smiling at the caller.

I walked closer. And closer. And then just another tiny little step. I kept stepping forwards until my mother had to push me away because I was basically in her face. She put a hand over the phone.

"Anna? What it is? Can't you see I'm on the phone?"

I had to restrain myself from grabbing the phone and throw it to the wall.

"Who is it?" I asked breathlessly.

"It's your Uncle Tim," she answered. "He says hi."

Then she shooed me away. I walked into the kitchen where I leaned against the wall and sunk to the floor. That was a close one. I knew it though. Hans just didn't have the guts when it came to that sort of stuff. My brother was many things, but brave wasn't one of them.

I was startled when my dad entered the kitchen. He shot me a weird look.

"Anna? Why aren't you at practice?"

I looked at clock.

"Ah shit," murmured.

I forgot I still had to go to those.

* * *

For some reason wanting to help Elsa was a bad thing. She refused to accept any help I was willing to offer. It was like she didn't realize she was helping me by letting me help her.

She had proven she could take care of herself, what more did she have to prove? She didn't have to prove anything to me. Nothing at all. Not even acts of devotion. I was happy with everything she had to offer already.

Now, I know it was foolish of me to let my emotional state of being depend on one single person. One person alone. But my existence didn't actually solemnly rely on Elsa alone. She was a huge part of my newfound happiness-like state, true. But I had other people in my life too whom I cared for. Aunt Susan. My mom. And some other people I couldn't really recall right now, but maybe they would come to me later. Those were the thoughts that roamed around inside of my head on my drive home from practice. I was still devastated, and practice didn't exactly help. It wasn't a surprise though, that it wouldn't help I mean. It was actually rather awkward. People had started acting as if I was this fragile little girl after what had happened after the game. Things were bad enough, I didn't need people to walk on eggshells around me too.

I knocked the snow off of my shoes, and entered the house. It was cozy warm inside. I dumped my duffle bag in the hallway and stepped into the living room, where my parents were sitting in front of the fireplace. Presumably, Aunt Susan was still at Ofelia's, having that big talk and all.

"Hey Mom," I said casually, "hey Dad."

They turned their heads to look at me, but didn't greet me back. Something in their eyes made my stomach churn. I gulped. Never had I seen so much despair in my father's eyes.

"What's going on?" I asked, desperately wringing my brain to make sense of what could have them looking so completely destroyed. As if something had just knocked down their deepest hopes and dreams with a sledgehammer. Of course, I guess I already knew what was going on, but for some reason my brain hadn't really registered it yet. It's weird to look back at this moment, because it's just so absurd how my mind hadn't comprehended or accepted reality. It was almost as I'd walked into that living room blindfolded.

I motioned to sit on the empty chair by my dad, but the look he shot me had me think twice whether it was a wise choice or not.

"Don't sit down, Anna…," he mumbled, dead serious.

My mother was fiddling with her hands in her lap. She looked like she was about to cry.

"What's going on?" I asked again.

Silence. Dead silence.

My father spoke.

"We just got off the phone with your brother," he stated.

My throat tightened. Of course he did.

I knew what was to come. It wasn't until then my brain actually acknowledged I was in deep shit. I couldn't believe I had been naïve enough to thing Hans wouldn't rat me out. How was I even stupid enough to think that he wouldn't do it? He did it over the phone for Christ's sakes! He didn't even have to look them in the eye while he told them. My own brother had betrayed me. Simply thrown me to the wolves. Stabbed me in the back. Somehow I couldn't blame Hans. No. The only person that was to blame was myself. Aunt Susan was right. I should have told them already. At least I would have taken fate into my own hands, and not had my douchebag brother steal it from me.

"This isn't a life-style we approve of," my father said.

My mother sniffled. I still don't know to this day whether I'd seen his reaction coming. I mean, I think it's pretty natural to expect the worst every time you come out to somebody. But this was a bit extreme. So no, maybe I in fact hadn't seen his reaction coming. Either way, as I was standing in front of my parents that day, I wasn't exactly surprised either. I knew my dad was a traditional guy. Always had been. The man goes to work, the woman stays at home, wearing her apron while she cooks and cleans the whole day. Then there's dinner at seven, no exceptions.

"How long have you been seeing her?" He asked.

No answer. I couldn't reply.

"How long?!" He yelled, which made both my mother and I jump.

"Does it matter?" I creaked out with a hoarse voice.

"I will not be held a fool in my own house! I will not have my only daughter filth the family name by fooling around with another woman! And a homeless one at that! This is absurd, Anna! " His temper got the best of him. He was beyond reach now. But I would still try. This was just as much defending Elsa as defending myself. I was twenty years old. I needed to stand up for myself.

"This isn't exactly a choice dad. This is me…," were my words to him, "I love her."

"Love?!" He roared. "Anna what do you know about love?!"

My father had gotten up from his chair. The crackling of the fire was the only thing that sounded. I gathered the courage to look him straight in the eye.

"More than you…" I whispered, my voice was so fragile.

"Excuse me?" he said, as if he honestly hadn't heard me.

I took a deep breath, and straightened my back.

"More than you," I repeated. Both of my parents stared at me in disbelief. "I mean look at you two. Your barely acknowledge each other. If that's love, I would settle for what Elsa and I have any day."

My mother sniffled again. My dad clenched his jaw.

"Get out of my house," he growled.

I never saw those words coming. Never in my wildest fantasies had I thought those words would leave his mouth. My mother sat stiffly by his side.

"Angus… can we just talk about this? She's our daughter-"

"This isn't normal Adrianna," he spat.

This wasn't real. I was just standing there waiting for them to yell 'surprise we don't care that you're gay, Honey. Have a slice of cake!' But instead my father simply stared at me with a glare that could kill.

"Get out," he repeated, now pointing towards the door.

A tear slipped down my cheek – it wasn't worth fighting them. My father needed to see I was hurting. That I was still a person with feelings. He was already dehumanizing me by putting the gay stamp on my forehead. But I wasn't going to humiliate myself even further by standing my ground.

"Angus, please…" my mother pleaded with tears in her eyes.

But Angus just shushed her. She shut up immediately. I always knew she had the spine of a jellyfish. I just never chose to believe it.

I shook my head at her. Now, I know it sounds harsh, doing that to your own loving and caring mother. But look at what she was doing to me.

Then I left. Into the night. All by myself. With no one. Tears were already well on their way down my cheeks.

I went to my car. I sat in it for a few minutes before starting the engine. I heard yelling from the house, but the roar from the engine drowned out my parent's voices. I couldn't even call Aunt Susan, I left my phone inside the house along with everything else. I had my car keys and my wallet. That was it.

I started driving. I didn't know where I was going, and I didn't care. I didn't care about anything anymore. That was the moment I truly stopped caring about world.

Fuck it. Fuck everything.

Fuck Angus. Fuck my mom. Fuck Elsa. Fuck Sven. Fuck Aunt Susan. Fuck Hans. Fuck Ofelia.

Fuck you all.


	22. Mother Nature

**Chapter 22 – Mother Nature**

**Warning/ Heads up:** Angsty chapter.

* * *

I was having a staring contest with speedometer. The needle rested firmly at zero, tauntingly moving nowhere. My forehead was resting on the top of the steering wheel. I shot a quick glance out the window. Everything was deserted. There was just an empty space ahead of me. I was at the abandoned parking lot by the edge of town. Houses were lined along the lot, all forgotten and dilapidated. It was dark.

Honestly, at that very moment I hardly spared a thought to where I was. I had history with this parking lot. But I hadn't been there for months.

The sky was filled with a disgustingly thick layer of clouds, all ready to pour their contents onto the awaiting city. _Fuck you sky_, I thought.

I was so broken. I was broken into a billion fucking pieces. I was broken into more pieces than there were stars in the universe. I was broken into pieces and scattered around the pockets of the peoples who broke me. Like being carried around by your own murderers.

My mom kept a piece of me in the pocket of her apron. My dad kept a rather large piece in the drawer where he kept his lost hopes and dreams. My brother had a piece of me where he needed me the most. In his wallet. Aunt Susan of course also held a piece of me, and I knew exactly where she kept it. Right next to her heart. It was the only piece, apart from Elsa's piece, I would willingly give away.

But none of that mattered anyway.

I turned on the engine. My hand rested on the gear stick as I filled my lungs with air. The hate that filled me was feeding on me. It had nearly consumed everything good that was left in me. With an exhale, my foot pushed the speeder down until it kissed the floor. The wheels were spinning, unable to grip a hold onto the slippery surface underneath, causing a loud shrieking sound. Finally, the car pushed forward, acceleration with such force the back of my head was greeted by the seat.

"Come on."

The needle was raising from zero now, rapidly increasing. The engine roared as it worked on maximum. Tears were blurring my vision. My knuckles went white, clenching onto the wheel with an unknown strength.

"Come on!" I screamed.

_Feel something! Feel alive! __**Feel**__! _My mind was roaring.

But all I felt was hatred and anger. And I wasn't even sure if that was true. I wasn't sure if the feeling were even there. They didn't feel real. Maybe they were just _things _again. I wished for someone to tell me that this wasn't real. That this wasn't my life right now. The first tear spilled as the tree approached. There it stood, looking weak and fragile like a damn matchstick. Surely, that was an underestimation of Mother Nature's crafty handy work. The distance between the oak and me was inclosing so quickly.

3oo meters.

I could barely make out my sobs over the loud sounding pavement the car was flying over.

250 meters.

Tears were staining my clothes now.

150 meters.

It wasn't like I hadn't done this before. But for some reason, this time, I didn't find the urge to stop. Nothing was giving me enough reason to do so. _**Feel**__ for Christ sake!_ I scolded my body for not responding. Fear wasn't even present at the moment.

50 meters.

The car swallowed the ground in front of me.

Then Elsa's face appeared before me, and my chest tightened. A rush of panic engrossed me. I felt her love stronger than ever. It's funny how you only realize how much you love something when it gets jeopardized. It was all part of the game. A game that reminded you what it felt like to be alive. And right now, I had won the game. I got what I came for – I finally felt something.

I slammed the breaks. Both feet on the pedal. I screwed my eyes shut. The wheels locked, and the car slided over the dirt road.

My arms were pushing the wheel away from me, while I tried leaning back into my seat instead of forward.

But it was too late.

There was still enough road, but the frosty layer of ice made the car skate over the surface. A frosty layer I hadn't taken into calculation, because last time I'd done this, ice wasn't a factor. I'd made a terrible mistake. A stupid mistake, because humans are stupid and don't know what's good for them. Remember when I talked crap about people seeking to senseless methods as alcohol and drugs to cope? Well, I admit that this was probably just a tad more stupid and reckless. It was easy at that point to realize how stupid of an idea it indeed was, but it didn't help the fact that I was still currently sliding over the icy road towards a robust oak tree. By then, I'd lost complete control of the car.

So the car collided with the tree. And I saw white. There wasn't really much sound. Just a ringing. A ringing to my ears. Then I saw red. Can you believe it? First, I see white, and then I see red? You should've thought it was the freaking Japanese flag being waved at me.

Smoke was rising from the hood of the car. The metal was crumbled, like a curled up piece of paper. The pounding in my head brought me back to reality. Something was seeping down my face, something hot and sticky. The ringing was still dominating my ears, demanding to be heard.

There was something about nearly dying, or looking death right in the eye for a second, that had you stop thinking.

My brain had finally shut up.

I couldn't tell whether my eyes were open or closed, the darkness ruled either way. Only now, I became very aware of the pain in my right arm. It begged to be felt, intruding into my brain's pain center, and overpowered all other sensory inputs with its loud throbbing.

The weirdest part of it all though was when Elsa's face infiltrated my vision again. This time, more real than ever. She was right in front of me, and so I reached out to touch this fragment of my imagination. My fingertips tingled from the cold touch of her imaginary cheek. It made my heart flutter.

"Can you hear me?" A voice echoed in my head, as if someone was yelling to me from a faraway mountain.

"Look at me," the voice said. My eyelids were heavy. The voice was distant. But it was like an angel's voice.

"Stay awake," it suddenly demanded. Everything was blurry. I saw double.

"Goodness, say something, please," the angel cried. Suddenly the grip I hadn't realized someone was holding on me tightened. It felt very real.

It _was_ real.

Elsa was real. What was she doing here?

"What the hell were you thinking!?" She screamed at me with tears staining her cheeks. I was on the ground, no wait, my body was on the ground. My head was in her lap. She was holding me in her arms.

"How could you do such a thing?!" Her sobs were loud and uncontrollable. "How could you do this to me!?"

But I hadn't done anything to her. I had stopped. Because of her. Why was she angry? I'd stopped for the soul reason of her existence on this earth. Why was she crying? I had stopped.

But her cries grew louder, and I tried hugging her back, but my body hurt and my mind was groggy. I tasted blood on my lips, but I didn't care, because I just wanted Elsa to kiss the blood away anyways. And now more liquid emerged from my face, but it wasn't blood, it was tears, and I was crying.

"I could've lost you… I could've… you could've died…," she whispered, and I felt her tears fall and hit the shell of my ear. "You idiot," she cried.

_But, Elsa. I stopped for you. _

"I'm sorry," I whispered to the angel hovering over me. "I'm sorry," I kept repeating, while unconsciousness submerged me, but not really, it was more like I was drifting away and returning a couple of times. Because I did everything I could to stay with Elsa, how could I leave her? How could I leave the only thing that mattered? How could I leave now that I knew how much I loved her? Now that I was actually sure that it was love I indeed felt?

Elsa's face was buried in my shoulder, and normally I would be able to smell her crisp scent of mint, but the taste of blood ruled, and it was almost as if I could smell the metallic taste. Everything was so surreal. My Ice Rose was crying and there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted to hug her back, but everything was so blurry and the seizing pain didn't seem to want to leave my arm. My head was throbbing. I wanted to vomit, but I was on my back.

"Please be okay," I heard Elsa whisper into my ear as she was crying. She repeated the words. Someone knelt down next to me.

"Susan… her arm," I heard Elsa's cracking voice whisper.

"I know," my aunt replied.

I could hear how there was a knot in her throat. I felt Elsa hold me tighter when she was suddenly torn away from me. I remember her shrieking voice, begging to stay with me. Everything went white all at once and I almost couldn't breathe. I think I blacked out after that. I faintly remember the sirens. I remember people talking. Before everything fated away completely, I caught a glimpse of Aunt Susan's hair. I remember her green eyes trying to lock with mine. I must've looked awful at that point. My skin was probably ghostly white since all the blood was drained from my face. My body was in such shock that it didn't even have the energy to shiver.

The ride to the hospital was also a blur. Actually, the entire night was a blur. I only recalled snippets from major events, as if I'd just woken up after a night of heavy drinking. The only thing I was certain of was that Aunt Susan was with me in the ambulance. She was talking to me the whole time. Just telling me stories. Calling me cute nicknames like she used to. Stroking my cheek whenever the paramedic would let her. Everything went completely dark when they lifted me over in a hospital bed. That's when unconsciousness in capsuled me entirely.

All I knew for sure was that I was alive. And I couldn't be more grateful.

* * *

I woke up in my hospital bed the next day. It was well into the evening, and my room was pitch dark. I had no idea how long I'd been out. All I knew was that it was around eight o'clock in the evening – according to the digital timer on the wall – and I was a little scared of moving because I had no idea how bad my injuries were. As of now, they didn't hurt because I was sure I was pretty drugged up on all kinds of fun things.

I turned my head and happily found that I didn't have any severe neck pains. But my stomach dropped when I looked down and saw my entire right arm completely wrapped in bandages. I sensed that underneath the massive layer of white wrapping, was the hard shell of a cast. My facial expression saddened by the sight. I wrote with my right arm. Screw handball, I didn't care if I couldn't throw a ball around for a few months. But writing would be a problem. Even typing on a computer would take double the time with this thing.

I tried wiggling my fingers. They didn't respond.

I sighed loudly and dropped my head back into my pillow. In the end, I agreed that I should just be happy that it wasn't my head that had become injured in such manner.

I never wanted to die. I was actually trying to do the exact opposite of dying. I was just trying to feel alive. It used to work, at least before I met Elsa. I guess it was the boost of adrenaline that did it. I mean, have you never wondered why people do extreme sports? How people become addicted? Simple. Because it makes you feel alive. But it's risky business, of course. However, people seem to find it worth it. Pushing boundaries like that wasn't risk free. I guess I became too cocky. Often times it's the most experienced skydivers that are at highest risk. Why? Because they're so used to it. They have a greater tendency of pushing boundaries. Whereas, as a newbie, you're careful in the beginning. I guess you could say I'd become an experienced skydiver.

It was never my intention to let it get so far.

But at the same time, I didn't mind the hurt. As in, the physical pain. It was like it was covering up the real pain. My stunt had had nothing to do with trying to get injured. But at the same time, I wanted people to be able to see my pain. A broken bone is taken much more seriously than a broken mind. Or a broken heart. Because no one can see those things. But everyone can see a cast, and associate it with actual pain.

I just wanted people to see it. I wanted them to see I was hurting, and that wasn't just making it up.

I heard a grunt from my bedside, and only then did I notice Aunt Susan's silhouette resting next to me on the edge of my bed. She sat in a chair, her entire body leaning forward so that she could rest her head on the madras. Slowly, she raised her head and rubbed her eyes. I wanted to reach out and grab her hand, but I obviously forgot my arm wasn't working.

Aunt Susan finally opened her eyes, and realized I was awake. She didn't say much, but she did get up from her chair and crawled up in bed next to me.

"How are you holding up, Sweet-Pea?" She asked. Her voice was hoarse. She didn't look too good.

She didn't have to say anything else because I was already crying. I was trying to bury my head in her shoulder, but it was hard because I couldn't turn to my side without resting on my arm. Aunt Susan just firmly grabbed a hold of my neck and pulled me closer to her. She adjusted so that I could cry into her hair.

"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry," I whispered repeatedly. Aunt Susan kept stroking my hair, shushing me ever so gently until I settled down after what seemed like an eternity.

Aunt Susan helped me roll back into my previous position when I realized my ribcage was on fire.

"Just take it easy, Sweet-Heart," my aunt said sweetly. "You'll be okay," she then said, and her eyes became all sparkly and a tear escaped, "I'm so glad you're okay," she sobbed. Her hand wouldn't leave my cheek. Her thumb just kept caressing it. Then she finally convinced herself that she should probably call a nurse and announce that I was awake. Aunt Susan assured me that she would be right back.

While I was alone in the dark, I was thinking of Elsa. I was wondering what she was doing and where she was right now. I was wondered how things were between us. Were we good? Were we over? Whatever we were, I hoped that she was okay, and that she was safe.

A nurse came to check on me. She asked me all sorts of questions. Like, if I knew where I was. Admittedly, I wasn't entirely sure. I just assumed that I was at Arendelle Hospital, which appeared to be correct. The nurse was sweet. Her name was Gerda, and she had that cute grandmother smile that made her seem so approachable.

"I'm sure you're curious about what happened. You were out for quite some time," Gerda said with a comforting smile.

I tried to shrug, but learned that that was probably not such a clever idea.

"Not really. I mean, I'm more worried about my family. I'm scared that I might have worried them," I said feeling the guilt creep up on me.

"Don't worry about that, Sweetie. You might have given everyone a scare, but they'll get over it. The most important thing we need to focus on is getting you up and running again." Gerda's eyes withheld such kindness. It almost made the guilt go away entirely.

"Right…," I agreed. "So… what happened then?"

"Well, you arrived at the hospital late last night. Your Aunt called us, and she was in the ambulance with you the whole time. We immediately looked for any head trauma or internal bleeding, but luckily you escaped with none of that. You must've hit your head pretty hard against the airbags, because we had to stitch up your eyebrow. We assume your arm must've gotten caught in an odd angel when the airbags released, because we've had to screw it together. You were in surgery most of the night. The seatbelt caused you a few bruised ribs," Gerda stated. It was quite a mouthful. I could see Gerda was holding back on something, because her face adapted a worried expression when she was talking about my arm.

"And… my arm?" I asked hesitantly.

Gerda's concern was evident on her face. She leaned over and grabbed my good hand, and smiled at me encouragingly.

"We did everything we could, but we're afraid you might never be able to restore motor function entirely in your right arm. After all, this is the second time you've injured it. Some nerve tissue was torn that may not recover."

It came as a shock I guess. I didn't actually want to believe that I'd hurt my arm so severely that I might never be able to use it right ever again. Gerda caught the sadness in my eyes.

"We're not saying it's impossible to make a full recovery. But the chances are slim," she added, as if it would make me feel any better.

"What does that even mean?" I asked.

"It's mean that you might not be able to play handball anymore. At least not at the pace you're used to."

"What about writing?" I asked eagerly. I couldn't care less about handball. In a way, this was probably the best thing that had ever happened to me.

Gerda snickered a little.

"I'm sure we can find a way for you to write again," she answered with a smile.

Relieved I leaned my head back and exhaled slowly. Gerda smiled at me one last time. Then she checked my IV one final time and exited my room. She turned off the lights again before she left, and told me to get some rest. I noticed Aunt Susan was standing outside waiting. The door closed as I saw Gerda walk up to my aunt, probably to brief her or something.

I was once again alone in the dark. It was as if my mind would just automatically wander towards Elsa every time it got a spare minute. My mom briefly entered my mind too. She was probably worried sick. She'd probably gone home to sleep. She had probably been at the hospital all day, and Aunt Susan had told her to go home and get some rest. In a way, I couldn't wait to see her. I wanted to fix all of this so badly. Not that I still wasn't angry and upset over what had happened. But somehow, I just wanted to move past that already.

"Elsa? What are you doing here, Honey?" I heard my aunt say right outside my door.

_Elsa?!_ Elsa was here! I wanted to see her. I needed to see her. But my overambitious self immediately regretted trying to get out of bed. I winced in pain, nearly fainting from the aching in my ribcage.

"I need to see her Susan. I can't sleep. Is she awake? Is she okay?" There was such longing and hurt in Elsa's voice. She was rushing through the words, as if they couldn't leave her mouth quick enough. Because the sooner she could ask, the sooner she could get an answer. It hurt so much to hear her like that.

_I'm here Elsa… I'm right here,_ my mind said.

"She just woke up. I'm not sure… maybe you should wait until the morning," Aunt Susan said in a sad tone of voice. I could almost hear Elsa's disappointment and heartache.

I heard Aunt Susan sigh. I was convinced she couldn't stand seeing Elsa like this either.

"You know what, go ahead. I'm sure she's dying to see you. Just take it slow, okay? I still haven't told her."

"Do you want me to do it?" Elsa asked.

_Told me what?_

"Only if she asks," my aunt then said. "I'll be in the cafeteria getting a cup of coffee. It's outside of visiting hours, so just don't get caught, alright?"

Not two seconds later, Elsa bursted through the door. She lingered in the doorway for just a few seconds. Just a few seconds where our eyes locked. In those few seconds, I didn't think of anything. No speculations on where Elsa and I stood in regards to our relationship filled my mind. Because the way she looked at me, the way those tears streamed down her face, told me exactly where we stood. She walked straight towards me with no hesitation. She immediately took my face in her hands and kissed me hard. I could feel she was holding back. She was afraid she might hurt me, or lean on my wounds. I mean, I already couldn't breathe, and my ribs felt as if they were hit on impact all over again, and I wish I could say I didn't care – like they always say in movies, or every cliché book you'll ever read. But I winced, and had to pull away. I hated to do so, because I hated that Elsa would know that her kiss was hurting me.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," Elsa whispered under her breath as she was leaning her forehead against mine.

I wish I could have hugged her. But neither my arm nor my ribs would allow me and I knew that. Hell, even Elsa leaning her forehead against mine was risky business because of my stiches.

Elsa curled up next to me. She was laying on my left side so that she could hold my hand. The moonlight shone in through the window. It made Elsa's skin appear even paler than usual. Her hair was almost white in the evening glow.

I apologized a thousand times to her. All I could do was tell her how sorry I was. Of course, along with my explanation. Elsa told me she already knew about my parents. That they had kicked me out. She knew about Hans and the phone call. Aunt Susan had apparently called them as soon as she had had a spare moment to think clearly after the accident. I was in surgery when she called. Aunt Susan had gotten the whole story from my mom. I was glad Elsa already knew about the fight, because I wasn't sure if I had the energy to explain it all. It hurt too much to even think about it.

Then I told her that it had never been about hurting myself. It had been my way of coping – a ridiculous and stupid way – that had gotten out of hand. I told her about the ice layer, and how it had been the cause of all of this. Of course, I knew it was _me_ who was the cause of all of this trouble to begin with. But I was just trying to emphasize that it was an _accident_. Because it truly was an accident. Elsa seemed to understand.

"Anna…," Elsa mumbled and put a hand on my cheek to turn my head to her. "Just don't ever scare me like that ever again. Do you hear me? I thought that I'd lost you…," a tear rolled down her cheek. I caught it on it's way down. I kissed her forehead.

"I promise."

Elsa sighed heavily. Her cheek was resting on my shoulder. She kind of looked like a small child. Elsa refused to let go of my hand.

"I'm just glad we found you in time…," Elsa sniffled once as she said it.

Deep down, I really didn't want to know what had happened. It just convinced me of how real it all was. I wasn't sure whether I was interested in hearing how Elsa reacted when she found me.

All I knew was that they had all heard the crash from Elsa and Ofelia's house. Aunt Susan had stayed until late to have that serious talk with Ofelia. Elsa had later joined, whereas the three of them decided to continue their discussion another day. They'd been at it for hours already. That's when they heard the crash. The three of them had ran to the window and quickly recognized that it was my car that was all crumbled up against the oak tree. Elsa was the first person to reach me. Elsa and Ofelia had pulled me out of the car, fearing the car might catch on fire. Elsa sat with me as Ofelia was trying to calm Aunt Susan down enough for her to call an ambulance. She was the only one with a phone after all. Elsa told me that she'd never seen Aunt Susan so frantic.

I tried to repress the haunting images of my aunt in a state of complete consternation. I squeezed my eyes shut, and a tear rolled down my cheek.

"Elsa?" I whispered. I could feel she was slowly drifting into sleep. She must've been so tired.

"Mhm?" She hummed.

"I heard you and my aunt talk in the hallway… what haven't you told me yet?" I asked quietly.

Elsa was quiet for a little while. She didn't seem as if she wanted to answer my question. She pushed herself up on one elbow. I missed her warmth by my side. She looked at me with such seriousness.

"Susan talked to your mom…," my girlfriend said. "They're not coming to see you, Anna."

I didn't know what I had expected. I guess I'd expected more from my mom. My dad? Not so much. Well, I actually hadn't expected things to go south in the way they had. I knew my parents probably wouldn't approve, but refusing to see me? Kicking me out?

I swallowed hard.

"Oh…," was my only response. My gaze dropped to my lap.

"I'm so sorry, Anna…," Elsa said. Her voice made it clear that she was on the verge of tears.

I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. Carefully, I took one deep breath.

_Just breathe, Anna. As long as you can breathe, you're okay…,_ my mind soothed.

"It's okay, Darling… you can sleep. I'll be right here," Elsa said. I took comfort in her words.

I just kept breathing and held Elsa's hand tight, until I fell asleep.

* * *

**A/N:** I apologize on behalf of my lack of replies to your reviews lately. To be honest, life is being a bit ridiculous right now, so don't take it personally. You should know I appreciate every single one of your comments, they seriously mean the world to me.

If you're curious about some of my upcoming projects, I left a brief description on my profile.

See ya next chapter! Stay awesome!


	23. Juice Box

**Chapter 23 – Juice Box**

When the nurse found Elsa sleeping beside me the next morning she didn't kick Elsa out. Elsa was sound asleep on my shoulder, and I was wide-awake. It was almost eight in the morning when Gerda walked into my room. We locked eyes for a second, and she acknowledged my begging expression – my begging eyes to let Elsa sleep without causing any trouble.

Gerda went along with her usual nursing routine. Checking my vitals, making sure I had enough to numb the pain, and assuring I ate some breakfast. Gerda left quietly, telling me she'd be back later, and then gave me a pat on the cheek. Elsa woke up as I was sipping my juice box.

She stirred calmly and stretched her arms over her head. Without being entirely awake, she gave me a quick peck on the cheek. I don't think Elsa thought much of it actually. Her small kisses fell quite naturally to her. I smiled slightly.

"Did you sleep alright?" I asked.

Elsa didn't look well-rested, the heavy bags were still evident under her eyes. But she just smiled at me, which made me stop worrying for a second. She curled up against me, after having stretched her stiff joints one final time. She reached a hand up for my juice box, and pulled the straw to her lips to take a sip. It made me happy she was willingly sipping off of my juice box.

The door swung open, and in walked Aunt Susan. She was carrying herself confidently across the room until she finally dropped down in the chair next to my bed. In one hand she was holding a carton tray with coffee from Jim's Coffee Shop, and in the other, she held a bag from the bagel shop.

"Good morning my Lovelies," Aunt Susan said happily. She looked rested. It was such a relief to see Aunt Susan's cheerful self again. Sadness didn't suit her. "I thought since Elsa was with you last night, I'd sleep over at Ofelia's to give you two some space," she smiled. "I brought bagels!" my aunt then announced.

Aunt Susan handed Elsa a bagel, which she happily accepted.

"None for you, Banana-Bear. The doctors says you gotta eat their food for a little while," my aunt claimed.

I groaned, and took another sip of my juice box in pure frustration.

The three of us talked for a little while. We ate in the meantime. We talked as if nothing particularly interesting had happened lately. There was laughter, and I was even engaging in the conversation. I guess the painkillers made me more relaxed somehow. I hated meds, but at least my chest wasn't on fire.

Either way, Aunt Susan was laughing, and it was always good to hear her laugh. Elsa still looked rather tired, but her face had lit up tremendously overnight. Lit up in the sense, that the sadness that had dominated her face yesterday had been substituted with relief. The grief had left her features, but her face would often times settle upon a worrisome expression whenever I winced or couldn't breathe deep and had to settle on a couple of shallow breathes.

Ofelia showed up after breakfast. She went ahead and gave me a big kiss on my forehead. Then she took a few steps back and fell into Aunt Susan's lap. At one point, I was scared my stitches might be torn open from all the kisses people were giving me lately. But I guess it was worth it if they had. We were all together now, and something just felt right. Elsa would curl her legs up under herself, and hold my hand in her lap. It was weird having the four of us gathered like this, in a hospital I mean. Not bad weird. But definitely weird, because something had changed, and I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was.

Aunt Susan and Ofelia seemed to have their own little conversation going. Elsa was caressing my hand with her thumb. Our hands were still intertwined, like they had been all morning. I looked at her, and caught her eyes.

"I think you should go home and sleep," I suggested sweetly.

Elsa instinctively scooted closer to me. She was looking at our hands. I untangled my hand from hers for the first time that morning, and placed it on her cheek. I turned her head to look at me. Softly, I gave a gentle kiss.

"You need to sleep," I whispered to her gently.

"I don't feel right leaving you here," she mumbled back.

Her eyes dropped once again. I kissed the corner of her mouth.

"Please go home and get some rest. I'll be fine," I assured her, giving her my best smile.

Elsa sat for a moment. The indecisiveness wasn't hard to see. It was written all over her face. Elsa really didn't want to leave me. I wasn't much for seeing her leave either, but if I knew Elsa right, she hadn't slept since before the accident and I couldn't stand knowing I was the cause of her current insomnia.

"Go home, Snowflake. Susan and I will stay and make sure this one doesn't get into too much trouble," Ofelia intervened, making sure to point at me as she referred to me as 'this one.'

Elsa looked at her friend. Then she sighed heavily.

"Fine," Elsa said with a hint of surrender. She got up and grabbed her jacket from the floor. "I'll be back later," she assured me, as she kissed me one final time.

As Elsa dragged her tired feet over the white hospital floor. On her way to the door, I mouthed a subtle 'thank you' to Ofelia. She nodded at me, sending me her million-dollar smile. Ofelia might be poor, but she had one of the riches smiles in the world. She was a living proof of the fact that happiness couldn't be bought.

Her black hair was loose for once. Two strands of hair shot straight up, and her unruly tufts of hair refused to stay down. Her rebellious locks were just part of her though, part of her goofy personality. Part of the caring and loving person she indeed was. I had no doubt in my mind that Ofelia would do anything for Elsa. But lately, over the past two days, I got the feeling that there was nothing Ofelia wouldn't do for me too. Just like I was sure there was nothing Aunt Susan wouldn't do for Elsa by now.

Ofelia kissed Aunt Susan shortly after Elsa had left and said she was heading for the cafeteria to get some coffee. It was kind of odd, because Aunt Susan had just bought coffee from Jim's which was still standing untouched by the edge of the tiny hospital table, so I figured it was Ofelia's way to give Aunt Susan and I some privacy.

And sure enough, as soon as Ofelia was out the door, Aunt Susan pulled her chair closer to my bed, and looked at me with a serious gaze.

"Listen, Anna, there's something I need to talk to you about," Aunt Susan began.

I let out a tiny sigh. Not a sigh of exhausting, but a sigh of sadness I suppose.

"If it's about my parents not wanting to see me, Elsa already told me."

Aunt Susan leaned back in her chair. A hand came up to rub the back of her head. This was one of the few times I'd ever witnessed Aunt Susan struggle with approaching a situation. Normally, she always knew exactly what to say, and how to say it. But somehow, talking about her sister in this manner didn't come easy to her.

"Oh…," were her only words.

Concern and relief washed over her face. Relief for discovering that Elsa had already delivered the sad news, and concern for how I was handling said news.

"Yeah," I stated, because admittedly, this was a little bit awkward.

Aunt Susan looked around for a brief second. Then she adapted a more confident posture. She reached over and rested a hand upon my knee well knowing that grabbing my injured hand wasn't an option.

"How are you feeling?" She asked with a touch of curiosity in her voice.

I wanted to shrug so badly. It wasn't until I was hospitalized and was barely able to move my torso I realized how much I indeed shrugged. Perhaps it was a good way for me to learn how not to, since the pain persistently reminded me how bad of an idea it was whenever I felt the urge to shrug.

"Fine I guess. I'm not really sure if it has hit me yet," I mumbled.

Aunt Susan's expression became more brave. She was trying to keep her chin up, but I could see the struggle she was trying so hard to disguise. The struggle to keep her head up. She too was hurting by this entire situation, I could tell. Not just that she thought she had lost me, but also that she had had to choose sides. It was her and me against my parents. That was the sad truth. She cleared her throat once.

"Listen… I just got off the phone your mom. I tried talking some sense into her, but you know how she is. And you know how your dad is. Anyway, she, um, told me that she's going to put all of your stuff in the garage. You can come and get it whenever…" Aunt Susan's voice faded into a lower octave for each word she managed to utter.

I looked to the ground. Damn, that one hurt. I was actually, in the quite literal sense, being kicked out of my home. Aunt Susan saw the sadness in my eyes. She moved to sit on the edge of the bed, and grabbed my good hand.

"Listen. I don't want you to worry about a thing, okay? I'll take care of it all. Understand?"

Her words were meant to sound encouraging, but I was about to give up. It all hurt too much, but then I remembered, wasn't this what I had wanted? Hadn't I wanted to be able to feel something? Even though I was feeling hurt, at least I was feeling _something,_ and that shouldn't be undermined. Either way, regaining some sort of capability to feel again didn't magically solve my problems.

"And how's that going to work? Where am I supposed to go? Who's even paying the hospital bill?" I was on the verge of tears again. I felt as if I'd been crying more the past two days than I'd cried the past two years. Something was definitely leaving my system. For every tear I shed, a little bit of hurt left me. It was detoxing in a way. I've always been taught that there's no shame in crying. Strength is portrayed in many ways, and crying is one of them. Crying is never a weakness.

"I am," Aunt Susan suddenly announced.

"What?"

"I'm paying the hospital bill."

"But… _how_?"

Aunt Susan smiled. That damn smile. I mean, that smile could brighten up anyone's day. It sure as hell cheered _me _up at least. Ofelia was a lucky girl. I bet Aunt Susan was to Ofelia what Elsa was to me. Aunt Susan's smile was like a wave of sunrays. She was bursting with joy, and it was shining out of her.

"A couple of days ago I landed a job web designing for the Frost Cooperation," she announced proudly. "They are paying good money for it, and I'm insured a stable position in their technical department. I can do all my work from home, and I'll just have to keep them updated on weekly Skype meetings. I was waiting to tell you because nothing was for sure yet."

I was left speechless for just a few seconds. Wow. I could hardly believe it. Good things did actually happen. There was still good things in this world, and of course I knew that, I just had to be reminded. Of course, Elsa reminded me every day. But this was different. I bet that's was what Aunt Susan had been doing the day we went cow tipping.

"Wow, Aunt Susan that's… that's amazing!" I exclaimed. The joy bubbling inside of me felt real for once. Very real.

"Yeah," she said, smiling just as brightly as before. "Things are starting to clear up. I mean, I don't have enough money to buy us all a new place to live or anything yet. But it's a start."

Something hit me just then. It was as if I was struck by lightning, and an idea ignited in my head.

"I do," I said, still half lost in thought.

"You do what, Banana-Bear?" Aunt Susan asked, because obviously my words had seemed a bit out of context.

Then I looked at her. I looked her straight in the eye, and I think she saw something she hadn't seen in a very long time. I think she saw a tiny spark of hope in my eyes, a spark of hope that I actually felt.

"I have the money," I stated in all seriousness.

Aunt Susan's eyes widened, and her mouth fell open.

"Anna I can't take your life savings."

Her voice was clear and determined.

But I wouldn't take no for an answer. If this money wasn't spend on building a new life for all of us, then I might as well burn it. The money were of no value to me then. This was what I'd been saving up for, I could feel it.

"Why not? It's not like I need the money for school anyway," I persisted.

"It's your money, Anna. You've worked hard for it."

"And what better way to spend it than on a place for the four of us? Aunt Susan, I want to do this. This is what I saved up for."

I could sense Aunt Susan was torn. Her indecisiveness was evident on her face. In the end, she merely looked me straight in the eye, and folded both of her hands around mine.

"You sure?"

I nodded.

"I haven't been surer about anything in my entire life," I answered with a crooked smile.

Aunt Susan breathed out through her nose, still not entirely comfortable with accepting the offer. But I believed she could sense the stubbornness in me. I wouldn't have accepted a decline. Aunt Susan knew, because if she had been in my shoes, she would've done the exact same thing. I didn't doubt for one second that Aunt Susan saw a lot of herself in me. I guess that's why she was so good at reading me.

"Alright. I'll go and talk to Ofelia about it then," she finally concluded.

Then she got up and grabbed her green leather jacket. I smiled at her. I smiled at her completely voluntarily. She smiled back at me immediately. She was on her way out the door when she said, "you know I love you right?"

I wanted to stick my tongue out at her. I almost did, but instead I said, "Yeah. I know."

Aunt Susan smiled a crooked smile. A proud one at that. She turned her back to me then, and was on her way.

"I love you too," I mumbled quietly after her.

I wasn't sure whether she heard, but I think she did. I really think so, because despite my voice being barely audible, Aunt Susan stopped up for just a part of a second. As if the words had hit her on the way out, and she had to stop up just to make sure she didn't hear wrong.

The most heart trembling part of it all was that I didn't feel like I was lying when I'd said it. For Christ Sake, I'd almost lost Aunt Susan – or maybe it was actually Aunt Susan who'd almost lost me I guess – and almost losing someone kind of reminds you how much you care for them.

* * *

"Are you hungry?"

"No, I'm good," I answered and kissed her on the cheek.

"Are you comfortable? I can go get you another pillow?"

"I'm alright, Gerda already gave me an extra," I said as I smiled at her.

Elsa was silent for a little while. She looked deep in thought. Her eyebrows came together as she was readjusting the blanket and made sure it covered both of my feet.

"Do you want me to fetch you some soda? Or chocolate milk or something? I'm sure you must be sick of cranberry juice by now."

I kind of wanted to laugh, but I didn't dare risk the fire spreading in my chest again. My bruised ribs couldn't heal fast enough. Instead of laughing, I just smiled widely at her. Then I snaked my good arm around her waist and tried pulling her closer to me.

"Elsa, I'm _fine_," I assured her. "Would you stop worrying so much, and just cuddle with me?"

I leaned over and kissed her temple. Elsa crossed her arms over her chest. Her lips curled into a pout. In the end, she leaned her head onto my shoulder. Her shoulders dropped. It was difficult for me to witness how tense Elsa was lately. She just wanted to see me get better, and it killed her she couldn't speed up the process.

"I just want you to be comfortable…," she whispered.

My heart ached seeing her hurt blue eyes look away from me and drop to the floor. She was turning away from me just the slightest, as if she was embarrassed of showing how much she cared. I tried rolling onto my left side so that I could look at her. It was a struggle, but I managed. However, now that I was resting on my good arm, I could only reach out for Elsa with my words.

"Elsa… I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that…," I told her. "But just you being here makes everything better. I know you want to help, but you should know that just by being here… you're helping. Okay?"

Very slowly, Elsa started turning towards me again. She maneuvered onto her right side, and now we were laying right across from each other. The only thing separating us was my colossal cast. Our heads rested on the same pillow, and our noses nearly touched.

"Okay…," Elsa agreed.

I leaned over and kissed her once on the lips. She tasted like coffee, which made me want to kiss her again. Elsa's hand came up and cupped my cheek, and I leaned into her touch. Unfortunately, the tiny move of leaning over resulted in my ribs being squeezed. I flinched, and bit my bottom lip. My eyes screwed shut and I silenced my cry of pain by biting down. Elsa retrieved her hand rapidly.

"Are you in pain?" She asked.

I bet she noticed how the blood had drained from my face. She brushed the hair out of my face. Gerda had removed my stiches, but Elsa still skillfully avoided the wound by my eyebrow.

"Just a little," I managed to say. "It wasn't your fault."

I sensed Elsa didn't want to make matters worse by touching me, fearing she might cause me more pain. She just wanted to help so badly, but she didn't know how. I rolled onto my back again, slightly out of breath.

"Elsa… would you hold my hand?" I asked her.

That made Elsa smile. Without hesitation, she grabbed a hold of my left hand. She pulled it up to her mouth so that she could kiss the back of it. After a few minutes the fire was gone, and I could breathe normally again. Elsa was holding my hand close her chest. I could feel her heart beating. I closed my eyes and focused on her heartbeat. It was so steady.

"I can't wait to get out of here," I said sleepily.

I could feel Elsa smile.

"Me too," she agreed. "I can't wait for you to see our new home. Ofelia and Aunt Susan painted our room blue. I think you'll really like it," Elsa uttered.

I opened my eyes just so that I could witness Elsa's wide smile. I wouldn't miss one of her smiles for the world.

"And we got a fireplace, Anna," Elsa continued dreamily. "Almost like the one in our old house. I convinced Ofelia to let us have the red lion foot chair in our room. Ofelia and I sowed some red and blue pillows so the chair would match our walls. Oh! And all the floors are white, it's just so beautiful…," she kept going like that forever.

Elsa explained with subtle hand gestures. She got so lost in her descriptions, and it was so wonderful to see. I got this warm feeling all over my body, because to me, it sounded like Elsa felt home.

It had taken Aunt Susan some intense convincing to get Ofelia on board with the apartment idea. Ofelia spent two whole days considering it. But Aunt Susan didn't rest her case until Ofelia was convinced. When Ofelia was first convinced, everything went rather smoothly. Elsa didn't need much persuasion as soon as she heard Ofelia was on board. I wasn't sure what made Ofelia make up her mind. Maybe she just realized that this would be best for Elsa, and Ofelia knew Elsa would never agree if she wasn't on board herself.

It didn't take long for Aunt Susan to find a place. It wasn't big and it wasn't fancy, but it was a place with hot water, and a real bed for all of us to sleep in. Elsa and I would share a room, while Aunt Susan and Ofelia would share the other room. The four of us had to share a bathroom, but I guess that was alright. Elsa and I intended to shower together anyway. Aunt Susan had promised she would get all of my stuff from my parent's garage. Even if I had been physically capable of fetching the stuff myself, I wasn't sure if I was emotionally ready for that yet. It was obvious my parents didn't want me around, and I wasn't really sure whether I was willing to risk running into either of them.

I was convinced that if I saw my mother right now, I would break down crying in front of her. She would probably do the same thing. I wasn't sure how I would react if I was to run into my dad. I'd probably cry too.

I still hadn't heard a single word from my parents. Hell, Hans hadn't even bothered to call. In a sense, it was nice. I couldn't deal with him right now anyway. I wasn't sure if there was a place for him in my life anymore actually. Because I had learned something important.

I had learned that sometimes you got to be your own hero.

Not in the sense that you put the responsibility of other's wellbeing on your shoulders. More in the sense that you put your own wellbeing first sometimes. I learned that the way to avoid negativity in your life, you have to surround yourself with positivity. Remove all the toxics from your life. And then, soon all the toxin in your blood and the venom in your heart can allow itself to vanish. Because it won't go away by itself. You got to give it time to cleanse out, and it won't disappear if you keep feeding on toxics. So, in a way, getting thrown out of my home, was the most positive thing that ever happened to me. It left some scars, for sure. Scars that probably would never really go away. But, at the same time, it cleared my life from toxic people. People like my dad. Who knew, maybe he'd come around someday. I didn't want to waste energy hoping for it to happen, but I would keep an open mind if he ever came crawling back.

I wanted to be my own hero. I wanted to make things happen for myself. Being a hero doesn't mean you're not allowed to ask for help. I mean, look at Avatar Aang. Where would he be without Katara and Sokka? And then look at me. Where would I be without Aunt Susan and Elsa? Hell, where would I be without Ofelia? I learned that people are strongest together. But in the end, you're responsible for your own happiness. Elsa isn't responsible for my happiness. Aunt Susan isn't responsible for my happiness. I am. Are they a major contributing factors to why I'm happy? Yes. That they are.

* * *

**A/N:** This isn't the end btw, probably should have made that clearer :P There's still 4-5 chapters to go, give or take :)

Until next time!


	24. A Safe Space

**Chapter 24 – A Safe Space**

"Are you uncomfortable?"

I sat and stared at her for a little while.

"You can be honest with me. I don't mind," she assured me.

She pushed her glasses further up the bridge of her little nose. Her legs were crossed, and she was leaning casually onto the armrest with her one arm. In her other hand, she was holding a pen. A notepad was neatly placed in her lap.

"Well, yeah… I guess I'm a little uncomfortable to be honest," I answered.

Immediately after, I shot her an apologetic glance.

"Do you mind telling me what's making you uncomfortable? Maybe we can work something out," she said and reciprocated with a reassuring smile.

I wasn't exactly sure of what to tell her. What _was _making me uncomfortable? The woman adjusted her position in the chair, all the while fixing her bun, which was messily pulled together on the back of her head. Her bangs framed her face beautifully.

"I guess I'm just not very good at this…," I mumbled.

She smiled at me for the second time.

"You don't have to be. I'm here to guide you, remember? So just take it nice and easy."

Right. Okay. Nice and easy. I could do that. I took a deep breath, and even though breathing hurt, it seemed to help.

"Well, I guess I'm a little uncomfortable by the fact that I'm in a hospital gown, and I guess I'm also a little annoyed that I couldn't even shake your hand when we met," I expressed.

I knew it was silly, but somehow it kept bothering me. Typically, I wasn't shy when it came to my body. However, I couldn't help but feel a little naked in this thing, and not being able to shake hands with someone just felt plain rude.

The woman across from me snickered gently. There was something friendly about her eyes. They were blue, but not nearly as blue as Elsa's.

"Well, in that case," she uttered while she stood up and reached out her left hand.

I took it, and we shook hands.

"Jane," she introduced herself as for the second time.

"Anna," I breathed.

"Better?" She asked.

I nodded.

"Now, I'm sorry I could only solve 50% of your worries. But next time we'll see it each other, it won't be under these circumstances. No hospital gowns needed."

Her eyebrows came together in a sympathetic expression. I guess you couldn't blame me for feeling uncomfortable in this outfit. Jane was lucky enough to wear a skirt. However, she was right though. The next time I was meeting Jane, I was out of this damn hospital. I was actually being released tomorrow to be exact.

"So tell me, Anna. How are you feeling?"

Jane had a way of making her words sound less serious. I was starting to like that about her. Things didn't have to be so serious all the time, and I was grateful that she was showing me that even though talking about serious events, you could still feel at ease about it.

Despite how much I dreaded being forced into therapy again, I was coming to like Jane. One reason being she insisted that I shouldn't call her Doctor Porter. She was ready to establish a close personal relationship with me, proving to me that I could rely on her. Trust her. Best thing about her was that she didn't know my mom. She didn't know anyone I knew, and somehow that was comforting. I could speak freely. This was a safe space.

Aunt Susan had met with Jane as well. She had let Jane in on the recent events happening in my life. I was glad I didn't have to be the one explaining it all to Jane. My aunt said she got a good feeling about her. I wasn't much for therapy, especially not after being forced to see Dr. Hudson twice a week for such a long time, but apparently you couldn't just crash your car into a tree without receiving some sort of help.

I think the biggest difference between Dr. Hudson and Jane was that I was now accepting the help provided. It wasn't pulled down over my head like before. I actually had a say in it. Aunt Susan had assured me that if I didn't like Jane, we would find someone else. I think I was ready for the help I was given this time. I was ready to allow myself to accept help. I guess in the end I hadn't realized how much Elsa and I were alike in a way. Elsa hadn't been open to receive help either. Now I knew what that felt like. I just hadn't been able to see it until now. Dr. Hudson did his best, but no matter how hard you try, you can't help someone who doesn't want help.

"I'm feeling… guilty… I guess…," I said with a hint of sadness in my voice.

Jane leaned forward abandoning her notepad. She rested her elbows on her crossed legs.

"Tell me about this guilt," she stated.

I drew a deep breath. There wasn't much to say. The guilt was eating me up. But at least I felt it. And I deserved to feel it.

"I just can't really help but hate myself for worrying everyone when I crashed into that tree. I was being selfish, and didn't even stop to think how the people in my life would feel if something went wrong. And then something _did _go wrong, and everyone already seems to have forgiven me – well, not my parents of course, but they weren't a big fan of me before the crash either so…," my words slowly faded. I wasn't even trying to hide the bitterness in them.

I was ready to stop talking, but then I looked to Jane, and there was just something about her that made me want to pour my heart out.

"I just want people to know it was an accident," I emphasized. My eyebrows came together and we locked eyes. Jane sent me a sympathetic look. My gaze dropped, and I swallowed hard.

"Anna?" Jane asked.

Involuntarily I looked up because I could feel she wanted me to look her in the eye. It was difficult for me, because that's what shame does to you. You don't want people to see how pathetic you feel. Eye contact is just such an intimate thing, because your eyes reveal everything.

"Yes?" I answered with a small voice.

"Tell me about Elsa," Jane said determinedly.

I was a bit surprised by the sudden shift in our conversation. Honestly, I wasn't quite prepared for such a question, because how the hell do you 'just tell' someone about the love of your life? I mean, it was hard enough writing about Elsa, because there didn't seem to be words in this world to describe her. Of course, I could just invent some, but that wouldn't be fair to Jane and she would probably think I was insane. I wasn't Shakespeare after all.

"I… I don't know where to start. Saying she's the most magnificent person you'll ever meet seems like an understatement. Elsa is pretty much the sunshine of anyone's life. She's the kind of person you would give up the last slice of pineapple pizza for without a second thought."

Jane smiled a bit at that last comment. I was being serious however. Elsa could have every bite of my pineapple pizza, or grilled cheese, if she wanted. True love has a way of showing itself through the smallest of gestures. Jane noted something down. When she put the pen down, she took off her glasses with a swift movement.

"Would you forgive her if she was the one sitting in that hospital bed right now?" She asked.

The words fell so causally from her lips.

"Yes."

There was barely any hesitation in my voice as I said it. It wasn't something I needed to spend much time thinking about. Now, I didn't just say that because I was so blinded by my adoration for the girl that I thought that Elsa could do nothing wrong. But I would forgive her. I would forgive her in a heartbeat.

Suddenly, I saw where Jane was going with this. Oh, Jane. You sneaky woman.

"Good," Jane then said. "Now all you need to do is forgive yourself."

I had literally spent twenty minutes with this woman, and she had already made me realize that Elsa had already forgiven me. I knew Elsa had already told me all was forgiven, but somehow I didn't believe her. Now I did. And now, as Jane had said, the only one left to forgive me, was me.

I took a few seconds to swallow her words. She made it sound so easy. And in a way, she didn't. I had a feeling that Jane understood that things weren't just fixed by the snap of your fingers.

"And how am I supposed to do that?" I asked her, genuinely confused and curious of what she might suggest.

"It's going to take some time," Jane started. "But forgiving yourself eventually means letting go of your past. What's happened has happened. The past is in the past, and we can't change that. It doesn't mean it should be ignored, but all we can do is move forward, and try to do it better this time."

"I see…," I uttered with a sense of understanding.

I almost forgot what I had told Elsa so many months ago. I'd told her the exact same thing. Your past doesn't define you. All we can do it move past it. It's so easy to give advice, but when it comes to taking it yourself, everyone becomes a bit of a hypocrite I guess.

Jane had actually managed to shed some light over some things I hadn't thought of. Letting go of things wasn't easy. But I was sure it was worth it.

"Just give it time, Anna. You'll see," Jane smiled.

* * *

Elsa was helping me up the stairs. Breathing deep still hurt, so climbing three flights of stairs wasn't exactly easy for me. Not yet at least. We finally reached the third floor, and I was left standing outside a white wooden door with Elsa by my side. Her arm was looped through mine. My other arm was trapped in an arm sling, completely useless.

On the door, right beneath the peephole, was a sign. A metal sign where letters were neatly carved with a cursive font and artsy twists. The sign read, 'Lykke, Silver &amp; Snow.'

"Do you like it?" Elsa asked, as she noticed my eyes were fixated on the shiny bar of metal on the door.

I didn't know what to say. It wasn't hard to see that it was hand carved. It was astonishing, and the handy work was beyond measure.

"Elsa… did you make this?" I asked in utter disbelief.

Not that I didn't believe Elsa was talented enough to make this, but because I didn't know anything could be this beautiful. I looked to her, and a blush crept upon her cheeks. Then she nodded, and I nearly dropped my jaw. My girlfriend had made that sign. There was even a tiny rose in the corner. It looked like one of her ice roses.

"It's… It's absolutely astonishing. I don't even know what to say," I spoke and looked her in the eye.

Her blush grew deeper, and I couldn't help but love how that rosy shake of pink surfaced on her cheeks. A tiny crooked smile appeared on her lips. She drew her shoulder up, as if an attempt to hide her blushing cheeks behind them. I couldn't resist. I had to gently lean over a kiss her hot cheeks. However, simply leaning over wasn't that easy of a task since I had to smoothly unhook our arms, and turn my body to get my useless arm out of the way.

Of course, it resulted in me feather-lightly pushing Elsa against the wall before I planted the long awaited kiss on her rosy face. Elsa didn't hesitate in stretching her arms over my shoulders and pulling me closer. We were kissing gently in the hallway, only our lips teasingly touching one another's. My good hand rested on her hip. My thumb was tenderly caressing her hipbone.

We stopped kissing. She was stroking my hair, her eyes getting lost in my fiery red locks.

"I'm so happy you're home," she whispered. Her eyes looked as if she was lost in thought.

"I'm so glad to be home," I whispered back. "But you should know…," I started, and Elsa's eyes caught mine suddenly. "That _you_ are my home, Elsa. Home wouldn't be anywhere without you, Ofelia and my aunt."

That made Elsa smile. She was smiling so brightly, that if I had to choose, I'd let Elsa be my sun forever.

"Would you guys stop making out in the hallway and get _in here_ already!?" Ofelia bantered from the other side of the door. I heard Aunt Susan slap her hand over her own mouth from pure laughter.

Elsa and I both giggled, slightly embarrassed. There was still time for Elsa to give me a swift kiss on the cheek, as she grabbed my hand to pull me towards the door. The door opened, and Ofelia didn't hesitate in throwing her arms around me. I couldn't reciprocate the hug since, 1) I still hadn't regained much function back into my bad arm, and 2) I refused to let go of Elsa's hand.

When Ofelia pulled away, she patted me once on the cheek, and then it was Aunt Susan's turn. Aunt Susan hugged me close, her hands greedily gripping onto me, not intending to leg go anytime soon. But she did, and when she pulled away she had to snatch a tear from the corner of her eye before she allowed it to travel down her cheek. Ofelia quickly pulled Aunt Susan to her and rested her head on my aunt's shoulder.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Go have a look!" Aunt Susan insisted as she held back a sniffle.

I smiled at her, while Elsa dragged me further into the living room. The wooden floors were painted white, just like Elsa said, and it brought such light into the small room. All the furniture were turned towards the fireplace on the far end of the wall. There were just enough space on the couches for the four of us. It didn't take long for me to imagine Elsa and I snuggled up in front the fireplace. Perhaps with a steaming mug of hot chocolate.

Elsa was ready to give me the grand tour, and admittedly, I was rather excited. I had this weird flip-thing going on in my belly, which was nice for a change, because it was a good flip-thing. The kitchen and living room were in one, but it was spacious enough alright, despite the lack of square meters. There was even a kitchen island, so no need for a dining table. Bar stools surrounded the island. They were somewhat vintage looking with their rough wooden surface and dark brown color. Everything in the kitchen kind of had this 60's vibe.

Elsa and I proceeded to the bathroom. Now that was tiny I assure you. Aunt Susan, being the handy woman she now was, had put up towel racks for the four of us. We even had tiny cups in tiny cup holders up on the wall with our tiny names on it for our toothbrushes. I didn't have a doubt in my mind that it was Elsa who had written the names, because the reoccurring rose popped everywhere, and in this case, it was on my cup. My cup was green, while Elsa's was purple. She had freaking color coordinated the entire thing, and these tiny details just made my heart melt completely.

After quickly taking a peak into Ofelia and Aunt Susan's bedroom (which wasn't nearly half as interesting as finally getting to see me and Elsa's bedroom) Elsa led me to our room. The walls were blue, just like Elsa had told me, and the red lion foot chair stood proudly in the corner with its costume made pillows.

I recognized Elsa's pallet bed as soon as she flicked a switch that made the lights under the bed turn on.

"We can't afford news beds for all of us yet, but we painted the pallets blue since we had some spare paint," my girlfriend explained while she wore a smile that had me worry whether her cheeks were in danger of bursting.

An old wooden dresser stood against the wall next to the red lion foot chair. An oval mirror hung above it with a light-chain encircled around it. For the first time since I stepped foot inside the apartment, I let go of Elsa's hand. I walked to the mirror and took a long look.

The girl who looked back at me seemed familiar for once. Suddenly, I had a feeling of recognition. That smile definitely belonged to the old Anna. I turned around to find Elsa had closed the door and was now laying across the bed.

I took another brief look around the room before walking to her. A pair of deep green wine bottles were thoughtfully placed on the windowsill. Two candles placed in the mouth of them both burned, slowly dripping stearin down along the smooth glass. The flames were dancing joyfully, casting shadows as they pleased. On my bedside table was the framed picture Elsa drew me. The picture of me smiling. The one that held a picture of Hans and I in the back. Where it belonged. Hans wasn't going to be a part of my life from now on, unless he proved himself worthy to be.

"How do you like it?" Elsa asked as I very ungracefully placed myself on the bed next to her.

I waited just a brief second or two to answer her. I was looking up at the ceiling. Elsa had taped a poster up there. It was a minimalistic picture of the Eiffel Tower. The background was white and baby blue, perfectly blending into the ceiling and walls. A cursive writing was typed across the tower. It said "_From Paris, Avec L'amour._" It was so perfect.

I turned my head to look at Elsa. She was resting her head in her palm, while her elbow was supported by the many pillows on the bed. Her legs were pulled up underneath her. She was looking at me. Her one hand seemed to wander, and quickly found the spot where my jeans and shirt separated. Elsa pulled up my shirt just enough for her to have some naked skin to let her hand caress.

"It's beyond anything I could have ever dreamed of…," I whispered. "It's not just perfect, it's… beyond compare."

Elsa leaned down and rested her head on my stomach. I moved my bad arm further up to my chest to make room for her. My hand quickly found her hair. We laid in silence for a little while. I unhooked my pity excuse for an arm from it's sling, so I could rest it on a pillow by my side instead. I wanted to be able to see Elsa's face.

"Thank you, Anna," Elsa suddenly mumbled.

I raised my head from the bed in confusion, because I honestly wasn't sure what she was thanking me for.

"For what?" I asked her sweetly, confusion evident in my reply.

She turned onto her side so that she was facing me.

"For making me realize I deserve better," she whispered. I felt a teardrop land on my naked skin just above my bellybutton.

I was smiling quite hard when she said that. I almost laughed actually. Not at her though. No, at myself. I couldn't help but think how adorable Elsa was as she was laying there, thanking me, when in reality I should have been the one thanking her.

I stroked my thumb across her cheek to catch the oncoming tears running down her face.

"I should be the one thanking you," I mumbled, which made Elsa sit up.

She leaned over me, grateful my arm wasn't in the way for once.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

I reached up and brushed her hair behind her ear.

"You saved my life, Elsa," I replied in all honestly. Elsa did save my life. In more than one way.

Elsa buried her face in my shoulder, and kissed my neck. She turned my head to kiss me. Then she told me that she loved me, and closed her eyes.

I hadn't been lying when I said Elsa had saved my life. And in a way she had. If Elsa's face hadn't appeared as I was driving towards that tree, I might not have found the urge to stop. But I did stop, and Elsa played a big part in that. Her, Aunt Susan and Ofelia truly had saved my life. I wasn't saying everything was just simple and perfect now. No, far from. But I was headed in the right directly, and knocking over Elsa's collection cup had started that entire process.

I'm not saying I would have been dead, or hospitalized with depression and anxiety if it hadn't been for Elsa. I'm just saying that Elsa was a such a huge part of getting me back on track. Elsa _wasn't_ my life. She was _part _of my life. A beautiful part.

Elsa showed me that problems are relative. I see that now. When I tell people about Elsa and I, they often wonder why I was the sad one. It was Elsa who had nothing (and surely she had been where I was, but she was still the one with nothing). Elsa was the one who was homeless, with no family and no money. Whereas, I was the girl who had everything. I didn't believe I was allowed to have problems, because why should I? I had everything, remember?

However, someone made it clear to me that first world countries suffer a lot from mental illnesses than most other countries.

And why is that? Why is it that our worlds crumble when we are supposed to have everything? We have shelter, food, a bed to sleep in at night, education, all these things that are a great contribution to our welfare. But what if you gave all the poor people in the world exactly what we had? What if starving kids in China or Africa suddenly received everything that I had. Then what? I'll tell you. Then they wouldn't have to worry about surviving. Their minds wouldn't be filled with the constant reminder that they needed to gather food and find shelter and protect their loves ones in the end of the day. No, their heads now had room for all the worries and concerns that filled our first-world brains. Their heads would instead of survival, would now be filled with the lies and worries the social media fills us, the urge to perform over the average and the constant stress to get an education and become something so we can help ourselves (notice how I didn't say "help others").

It is the sad truth, but it's also the truth that made me realize its okay to have problems. That the problems you have shouldn't be outshone by someone else's. Because the problems you are dealing, probably fill your entire world. And I learned its okay to be a little selfish sometimes. To put yourself and your wellbeing before someone else's. Because you can't help anyone if you're broken yourself.

* * *

**A/N:** Fun fact you guys. I googled the meaning of the color silver (Elsa's last name), and discovered its associated with prestige and wealth. I'm loving the irony here X)


	25. Stop Drinking Poison

**Chapter 25 – Stop Drinking Poison**

Waking up next to Elsa every day was almost like a dream come true. Often times, I would lie awake in the morning and listen to Elsa's calm inhales and exhales. Just like the first time we had spent the night together. The night where she had almost frozen to death.

I would wake up with Elsa's head on my chest. Her long hair would fall like a waterfall down her back. One of her arms would be draped over my stomach. My hand would stroke her back, and make sure her sweater covered her lower back so she wouldn't get cold. Preferably, I would put my free hand behind my head for support, but since it was still in a cast, it didn't exactly provide much comfort nor support.

My eyes would wander over the _From Paris, Avec L'amour_ poster plastered onto the ceiling. It made me want to see Paris with my own eyes. How romantic would that be? Elsa and I in Paris? Somehow, I wanted to go there first, without Elsa, just so I could bring her along the second time. By that time, I would know Paris like my own back pocket, and how romantic would it be to say you _showed _your girlfriend Paris? Those were the kind of things I thought about as Elsa slept peacefully every morning on my chest.

When the clock stroke eight, I would carefully untangle myself from my sleeping beauty. After having put on my slippers, I would head for the kitchen to whip up some breakfast. Before leaving, I would turn around for just half a second to check if the duvet covered Elsa properly. I refused to allow her to get cold. Especially since still hadn't put on much weight. Often I had to restrain myself from force-feeding her. Some nights I would try to sweet-talk her into eating a little extra. One night especially stood out.

"But, Baby, you _need_ to eat," I would keep telling her every time I came back from the store to get us some emergency chocolate. Elsa wasn't much to admit it, but she was a chocolate monster, especially when she was on her period. I made sure always to have a small stock of a variety of chocolate goods in my bedside drawer.

"I _am_ eating, Anna," she reasoned and pushed the treat I was offering her with my one good arm away from her.

"But chocolate is good for the soul," I argued.

"No. _Dancing_ is good for the soul," Elsa reminded me.

Of course I knew that, but it was always fun teasing Elsa. I flopped back on the bed with a groan.

"What´s chocolate good for then?" I asked dumbly.

Elsa sighed heavily and finally put down her book. I couldn't help but smile, which of course made Elsa smile just the tiniest.

"I'm sure chocolate is good for a lot sorts of things," my girlfriend reasoned.

I sat up now, and swung one leg over Elsa. I purposely knocked the book resting in her lap onto the floor, so I could straddle her. It wasn't easy since I only had one arm, and I was holding a block of dark chocolate in the other.

"You want to know what chocolate is good for?" I asked her seductively, placing a kiss by her earlobe.

Elsa hummed, and placed a hand on each of my thighs. I dragged my lips along her jawline, barely touching her, merely leaving her with the sensation of wanting more.

"Well…," I whispered over her skin, exhaling lightly on her neck. Goosebumps spread as wildfire across her arms. "Chocolate is a _great_ source of antioxidants…," I said in a low sexy voice.

It was challenging to make science talk sound sexy. But it seemed to work on Elsa, because her hands grabbed a tighter hold of my thighs. I kissed her collarbone.

"It can reduce stress…," I mumbled as I nipped at her sensitive skin. "And protect your skin against the sun…."

Elsa's breath hitched as I suckled on her pulse. With my good hand, I broke off a row of chocolate squares, and unwrapped it. I then snapped that row into two. I pulled away from her to look into her hooded eyes.

"And…," I said and leaned dangerously close to her lips. "Results in a healthy heart."

With that, I placed the edge of the chocolate row between my lips, and leaned over to kiss Elsa. She opened her mouth, and accepted the chocolate treat. Just before our lips met, she bit the row in half. I pushed my tiny piece of chocolate into my cheek, and waited for it to melt so that I could kiss Elsa's longing lips. Elsa's hands came around and grabbed my rear. She pushed herself against me, nearly thrusting her hips forward to meet my core. The whole kiss tasted like chocolate, and I didn't know Elsa could be more delicious than she already was. Elsa pulled away and licked her lips.

"God you're sexy when you talk dork," she breathed.

I kissed the corner of her mouth where a tiny chocolate stain had settled. I wanted to grab Elsa with both of my hands and throw her on her back. But that was easier said than done, because I could still barely wiggle my fingers.

The thing about having your arm in a cast was that sex suddenly wasn't the easiest thing. Gerda hadn't been lying when she said they'd had to screw back it together. There were actual metal screws in my arm holding the damn bones together. That stuff hurt.

So when Elsa pushed me off of her, so that I landed flat on my back, she had to do it carefully. And when she wanted to lay down on top of me, she couldn't because of my damn excuse for an arm. One wrong move and a shot of pain so intense it made me want to faint would shoot through my arm. Pain was a huge turn off I guess.

I felt a jolt of pain travel through my arm, it was crippling like a damn strike of electricity along the bone. I soon realized that this probably wasn't going to happen tonight. I think Elsa slowly accepted that as well when she saw me flinch in pain. Elsa rolled off of me, and we both laid for a moment enjoying the Paris poster on the ceiling. That was, until we heard shouting from the living room.

Elsa and I looked at each other for a brief moment, both wearing our 'what the hell' expressions. After getting up from the bed, we slowly approached the door and entered the living room. Ofelia was sitting by the kitchen island. She was watching Aunt Susan pace back and forth in the kitchen. Aunt Susan was holding her phone to her ear while her free hand was grabbing tightly onto her beautiful brown locks in frustration. I was scared she might rip off a massive chunk of hair when she roared, "would you just _listen_ to me for a second, Adrianna!?"

Elsa and I carefully stepped into the living room, and walked to the kitchen island. Elsa walked to Ofelia and put a hand on her shoulder. Ofelia reached up to rub Elsa's hand before turning her head to her and sending her a calming smile.

'What's going on?' Elsa mouthed silently to her friend.

Ofelia simply shook her head, because there was no way she could explain without using actual words what was going on and she didn't want to disturb Aunt Susan.

"Because you don't _just turn _gay!" Aunt Susan yelled while making a wild hand gesture with her free hand. "I've known since I was fourteen!"

That was the last I heard of that heated phone conversation, because Aunt Susan walked to her room in anger and slammed the door behind her. I guess she wanted to finish her conversation in privacy.

"Susan is talking to your mom. She knows. I guess she finally put two and two together when she saw us holding hands at the marked today," Ofelia said and took a sip of her mug.

Elsa hugged her from her behind, and Ofelia leaned her head closer to Elsa's. It was silent between the three of us for a little while. Ofelia noticed my worried expression.

"It was time, Anna," she assured me. "The truth had to come out at some point. I'm surprised she didn't figure it out sooner. I mean, the four of us living together? What exactly did she expect? That Susan and I were just roommates who shared the same bed?" Ofelia smiled a bit at that last part.

I knew it wasn't exactly funny, but somehow I found myself smiling too. Ofelia was right. It wasn't exactly rocket science. The four of us living together? It practically reeked of excess estrogen and gayness.

"_Being gay is not contagious, Adrianna!"_ It sounded from the other room.

The three of us stared at each other, until we couldn't hold it in any longer. Gosh, it was so crappy of us to laugh, but you would've laughed too if you'd been there. And somehow it was good, I guess. Laughing I mean. Everything used to be so serious. Now we could all just laugh about it. We finally reached that point where we could laugh at all of this. It was such a relief in a sense.

Elsa had let go of Ofelia, and it was now my turn to receive a hug from behind. I loved how Elsa would put her chin on my shoulder. I loved how she would press her front against me. I loved how I could turn my head just the slightest and kiss her temple.

"Els, do you want to help me prepare dinner? I'm sure Susan is going to need it when she's done," Ofelia asked warmly.

"Sure," my girlfriend said as she untangled herself from me.

She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek as compensation. Then she walked to the sink and washed her hands before chopping up some tomatoes. It made me happy to see Elsa voluntarily helping out with dinner. She was eating again, and that was the most important thing.

"You don't have to set a plate up for me, I won't be home for dinner," I said.

Both women looked at me with a frown.

"You're not going to eat with us?" Elsa asked.

I walked over to her, and put my hand on her waist.

"There's something I have to do," I mumbled and kissed her cheek. "I'll be home later."

She kissed me back. Ofelia also came over and gave me a big sloppy smooch on the cheek.

"We're gonna _miss_ ya, Anna-Boo," Ofelia teased with a ridiculous baby voice.

Elsa snorted when she saw my repulsed expression.

"Okay, I'm gonna go," I stated awkwardly.

As I turned around, both women slapped my butt, and I was just about to die from embarrassment.

I grabbed my jacket from the rack. Before I walked out the door, I turned around to catch a glimpse of two of my favorite girls in the entire world. They laughed and smiled as they were chopping up veggies.

_It's good to be home_, I thought.

* * *

Have you ever heard the expression "holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"? I think Buddha said that. Maybe it was Nelson Mandela. Or was it Debbie Ford?

Either way, it was an expression that had been stuck in my head for a while. It made the gears in my head turn. And it made me realize how much anger I was holding on to. How much poison I was drinking. I was holding onto to so much anger and hatred towards things I couldn't control. I was holding onto a disgusting amount of anger towards myself. I guess that also translated to a few gulps of poison.

Jane had said all that was left to do was to forgive myself. And she was right. But I also needed to forgive a whole lot of other people. I needed to forgive my mom. Hans. My dad. I was drinking their poison, and the only way I could stop was to forgive them. I took comfort in the fact, that nothing annoyed your enemies more than forgiving them. But that shouldn't be the motivation to do so. I did this because of me. I was putting myself first, being my own hero, being responsible for my own happiness. I needed to cut off all loose ends. I was cleaning up, sorting out the toxic thoughts, and the endless guilt.

That was why I found myself outside of Sven's apartment that evening. He didn't need to forgive me, but he had to know that I was sorry. That way I could forgive myself. I had to know that I at least had tried to make up for it. But at the same time, I wasn't sorry for taking the time for myself when I had needed it.

I was standing by his front door on his sand colored doormat that said "nice underwear," while I gathered courage to knock.

_Just knock_, my brain ordered.

Without further ado, I clenched my hand into a fist, and banged it against the door a few times. Not long after, I heard footsteps approaching from the other side of the door. The door swung open, and Sven appeared before me. His brown shaggy hair stood in all directions. I guess that was trendy now a day. I wasn't exactly sure whether he was glad to see me. He definitely looked surprised.

"Anna?" He asked as if I had risen from the dead.

"Hey Sven," I greeted, smiling weakly. "I hope I'm not interrupting."

Sven shot a hand behind his head to scratch a spot in his hair. For some reason, he looked over his shoulder, as if someone should unexpectedly emerge from the wall behind him. He finally seemed to settle upon the fact that I was standing outside his door and became the casual and calm Sven I used to know. His gaze softened, and he was leaned against the doorframe.

"You're not interrupting," Sven said.

I smiled weakly. A silence settled between us for a little while. Sven's eyes fell to my cast. Then to my eyebrow where a nice clean scar was forming. Sven knew what had happened. The whole town knew. It was a small town after all.

"So… how are you doing?" He asked, somewhat worried.

I didn't shrug. Instead, I just looked to my arms and said, "much better, thanks."

But still, Sven's eyes kept possessing such a worrisome glint, as they kept settling on my arm.

"I heard about what happened," he announced.

His gaze was filled with such sympathy; eyes as big and round as a puppies'. Those godforsaken shaggy locks fell down over his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Anna," he muttered shamefully.

Those sad eyes. Those damn strands of hair covering his glistering eyes. The overflow of sadness soiling his voice. The way he crossed his arms over his chest, protecting his heart from any more hurt or disappointment.

"What?" I asked in disbelief. He was actually apologizing to _me_? I felt the tears suddenly push their way through. "No, Sven. You can't apologize. I was the one who came here to apologize. I've been a lousy friend to you. I've treated you like shit, and I'm sorry for that. I'm so sorry Sven," I sobbed. "How can I ever make it up to you?" I asked as I was trying to regain control of my voice.

Sven pursed his lips. He shook his head once to swipe his bangs away from his face. He exhaled loudly.

"If you drink a few beers with me, and help me finish baking brownies, I think we're good," Sven smiled, and swung his arms around me to pull me in for a hug.

I hugged him back with all the force I could muster. My arm was caught in between us, which hurt like hell, but I sucked it up this time. We spent some time hugging in the hallway. I was crying into his chest, staining his t-shirt with my tears.

We were interrupted by an unfamiliar voice coming from the kitchen.

"Sven, man, what's taking so long?!"

I quickly pulled away from Sven and wiped my eyes. Sven smiled apologetic.

"Come on in," he said to me. "My friend Kristoff and I are baking brownies."

I took a step inside Sven's cozy warm flat. It wasn't much larger than the one Elsa and I were living in now, but then again, it only had to fit Sven. A thick smell of sugar and batter hit me as soon as I stepped inside. Sven's apartment was pretty much the definition of a bachelor pad. There were empty pizza boxes stacked in the corner where a graveyard of pizza crusts rested peacefully in their greasy boxes.

Sven lead me to the kitchen where a large blonde boy stood bend over the oven. The boy, Kristoff I assumed, waved at me with his oven mitt covered hands.

"Hi, I'm Kristoff," the boy announced with a massive grin.

After having placed the unbaked brownies securely in the oven, he pulled off the mitts and reached out his hand. Awkwardly shook his right hand with my left.

"I'm Anna," I stated. Kristoff merely smiled wider.

"You thirsty? Want anything to drink?" Sven asked as he was roaming through the refrigerator for some cold beverages. Before I could answer, he tossed me a beer.

"Thanks," I said, barely catching it. My left arm might not be my dominant arm, but fourteen years of handball would have gone to waste if I couldn't even catch a damn can with it.

"You should totally stay. Tiana and her boyfriend will be here in about half an hour," Sven said as he took a sip of his beer.

I looked at him with a doubtful gaze. I wasn't sure whether staying was a good idea. But then Sven smiled at me, and I forgot how much I'd missed that smile. Sven threw a hand around Kristoff's shoulder, and Kristoff suddenly smiled as well. I'd just made a new friend in less than five minutes, and that was a pretty big deal for me, because I couldn't remember the last time I'd made a friend that easily. Of course there was Elsa, but we were never stuck long in the friend stage.

I found myself in Sven's living room, laughing a little of a joke Kristoff had just made. Time seemed to pass quickly, and Tiana and her boyfriend suddenly joined us. They were all happy and smiley and I got a big hug from both of them. I didn't participate much in the conversation, and smiling still didn't come so easily to me. But I was enjoying myself, and I was relaxing to the best of my abilities. A pressure that had been squeezing my shoulders down since forever slowly released every time Sven would smile at me, or Tiana would rub my shoulder.

Still, something was missing. My favorite person in the world was missing. So I asked Sven if it was okay if I invited someone over, and he told me: 'Anna! How can you even ask me such thing?! A friend of Anna's is a friend of mine.' This was why I'd always liked Sven.

I went outside and dialed Aunt Susan's number. We still hadn't gotten Elsa a phone, and for some reason, she wasn't such a huge fan of the idea. I told her that it would make me sleep better at night if I knew she had a phone with her when she wasn't home, and she told me she would reconsider. Either way, I was calling Aunt Susan, and she picked up on the third ring.

"Hey, could you put Elsa on the phone?" I asked her.

"Sure thing, everything alright?" Aunt Susan fussed.

"Yeah, everything's fine, don't worry." I tried sounding as causal as possible to ensure her there truly was nothing to worry about.

"Alright, talk to you later then," Aunt Susan hummed.

There were some faint noises on the line until I heard the phone be pressed up against someone's ear.

"Hey," Elsa's voice sounded. She sounded happy to hear from me.

"Hi," I said back happily. I loved hearing her voice.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm completely fine. I was just wondering… would you like to come and meet some of my friends?"

There was a few seconds of silence on the line.

"As in… a party?" She asked hesitantly.

I smiled, but at the same time I was worried she wouldn't come.

"Not exactly. More like a small get-together."

Another few seconds of silence. The few moments of nothing made me want to be close to her. I guess this was what it felt like missing someone. I'd forgotten what that felt like. That feeling sucked. I hated that feeling already, because I only felt it grow bigger and stronger for every day that passed without as much as a phone call from my mom.

"I don't know, Anna. I don't really have anything nice to wear," Elsa mumbled embarrassedly.

"Just come as you are. You're gorgeous either way," I spoke, trying not to make myself sound like some fake-ass telemarketer, because Elsa did truly look gorgeous in anything.

"Fine, I'll come then. But um, Anna…?" Elsa added shyly.

I could hear the insecurity in her voice.

"Don't worry. I won't leave your side. You're stuck with me," I assured her, with a cheeky grin that of course she couldn't see, because obviously I'd forgotten I was on the phone.

Elsa let out a relieved sigh.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

Then she hung up. I texted her the address, and Elsa stood on Sven's doorstep within thirty minutes. I was the one to answer the door when Elsa rang the doorbell. She was wearing my green sweater, and a pair of Aunt Susan's tight black jeans. Somehow, I started imaging Elsa fussing over what to wear, manically running back and forth between closets, until Ofelia and Aunt Susan finally decided to help her (after laughing their asses off first of course. Poor Elsa).

Elsa ripped me away from that image with a kiss on the cheek. I smiled at her, and grabbed her hand to pull her inside. A subtle blush started to spread across Elsa's cheeks. She was nervous. Soon her other hand found mine, and she was holding onto my one hand with both of hers. I could see how she was trying to hide behind that sweater of hers (or mine actually). Therefore, I let go of Elsa's hands, and snaked my one good arm around her waist to keep her close.

After I had introduced Elsa to everyone, she seemed to relax a bit more and actually enjoy herself. We sat on the floor next to each other. Kristoff was sitting next to Elsa, and the two of them seemed to hit it off. Kristoff and Elsa soon disappeared into the kitchen to check on the brownies together. As soon as they left the room, Sven and Tiana placed themselves on either side of me.

"So, Elsa seems great," Tiana remarked and patted me on the back.

"You guys are like, a thing, right?" Sven asked, but it seemed as if he already knew the answer to his question.

It was funny how Sven chose the word _thing_ to describe what Elsa and I had. It was funny because, well, I had been trying to avoid _things_ ever since I met Elsa. So instead, I decided to let Sven and Tiana know Elsa and I went by something else. Because I was done with _things_.

"Yeah," I said smiling shyly. "Elsa and I are a couple."

Sven and Tiana smiled. Their happiness was contagious. I was absorbing it as if it was the first couple of sunrays after a rainy day. This was how you purged out the toxins. All these people around me, they were the antidote. They were my positivity. My medicine. The poison had started to leave my system. And when Elsa and Kristoff came back with a tray of brownies I just wanted to cry, because all these emotions were so overwhelming to feel all at once. My friends were suns. And Elsa was the one shining the brightest.

She sat down cross-legged next to me. The corner of her mouth tugged upwards just a bit. Smoothly, Elsa brushed my bangs away from my face. Her hand lingered merely a fragment of a second on my cheek before it dropped back into her lap.

The music was loud, and Sven was loud, because that was simply how Sven was, and somewhere along the evening I noticed how Kristoff moved to sit next to Sven. They were cheering and laughing as Tiana and Naveen started dancing. The brownies were far gone, and so was the two six-packs of beers that once stood on Sven's kitchen counter. I'd had one beer. I didn't feel like drinking anymore though. One was plenty. One was just enough. Sadness and alcohol wasn't a good combo I'd learned. Elsa politely declined when Sven had offered. She had once explained to me that usually the only reason she drank was to keep warm, and that drinking wasn't anything she associated with having a good time.

When Sven and Kristoff joined Tiana and her boyfriend on the dancefloor (by dancefloor I mean hardly four square meters of living room floor), Elsa insisted that she wanted to dance with me.

"Come on, you can just sway while I dance around you," Elsa persuaded.

Well, I wouldn't call it persuasion since I was practically forced up on my feet and onto the dancefloor.

"But, Elsa, my arm…," I whined.

"You don't dance with your arms," Elsa giggled.

"_They_ do," I argued and nodded towards Sven and Kristoff who were relentlessly and shamelessly dancing Johnny Bravo style.

Elsa merely pulled on my shirt, and drew me closer to her.

"Dancing is good for the soul," Elsa chuckled.

My bad arm was trapped in-between us.

"No dear Elsa, I'm afraid you're wrong. Chocolate is good for the soul," I teased.

Elsa pulled my good hand down to rest on her hip. Then she threw her hands over my shoulders and swayed along with the beat.

"Whatever you say," she said and looked at me adoringly.

It reminded me of the first time Elsa and I had danced together. The time she snuck into my room and Aunt Susan had caught us kissing. It felt like forever ago. So much had happened since then. I was an entirely different person. I was neither the old Anna, nor was I the hate-filled Anna. I was almost a new person, and I had still to figure out who that was.

Elsa's eyes were mesmerizing as she was looking at me. I couldn't resist. My good hand travelled up and rested on Elsa's neck. I pulled her in for a kiss. Holy crap, I was kissing Elsa in the middle of Sven's living room.

That was the first time I'd kissed Elsa in front of anyone other than Aunt Susan and Ofelia. This was the first time I could truly prove to her that I wasn't ashamed of anything. I knew she knew better of course. She already knew that if it ever came to it, I would show my love to her to the entire world without a second thought. But she also knew that my confidence still wasn't as strong as hers on some aspects. That this was still a big deal for me. However, there was just something about having her lips on mine for everyone to see that made me proud as hell.

* * *

**A/N**: I would love to site the poison quote; however, there is some doubt about who actually said it. The quote have been found in multiple books in various forms by several authors, but it could be that they were merely quoting someone else. People primarily claim its Buddha, but that isn't entirely confirmed. Long story short, sorry for not citing.


	26. A Turning Point

**Chapter 26 – A Turning Point**

I was sitting in the red velvet chair with my overheated laptop on my knees. Despite the loud device burning my thighs, I was on the roll. My fingers were flying over the keyboard, putting together a unique sequence of words. It was frustrating that my left arm couldn't keep up with my mind which kept vomiting up words, but I managed. It felt good to be writing again. It was like my own personal therapy session to myself. They say running is cheaper than therapy, but I didn't have to go beyond the four walls of my home to get that fix that runners did.

Writing was my way to unwind. I could hardly believe that I'd lost it there for a little while. I'd been so scared it wouldn't come back to me. Handball was long gone. I was never going to find joy in that sport again, not in the same I way I used to. I had been scared the same thing had happened to my writing. But at no point had writing felt as much as a burden as handball. Writing had never actually felt like a burden, but more like a frustration. A frustration concerning not being able to express myself. Frustrated over wanting to do something so badly, but not being able to. Whereas handball had been something I didn't want at all anymore. I didn't even feel like giving it a chance. Maybe my dad's ambitions had had something to do with it. He had ruined handball for me with his pushing and manipulative means. Whereas, writing had always been something that my father loathed. I had writing to myself. It was carefully put aside on a shelf for a little while, while handball was forced upon me, completely wrecked beyond the point of fixing ever again.

When Elsa needed to unwind, she read. When Elsa was lost in a good book, no one could fetch her back to reality. Not until she felt like it at least. She dived into another world to escape the real one. You could say I did something similar, but still not quite. No, either I created my worlds. Either I created the world I wanted to escape to. Or I faced reality head on by writing about it. There is nothing realer that putting what you feel on paper. Suddenly, its just laid out for you to see. That's when reality really hits you. When its just right there in front of you written out. Immortalized in ink. However, writing it all down made me accept reality. It was a way to say, "hey, this actually happened. Now its stuck here. It can't go anywhere. Now I don't have to carry it with me anymore. It's here on paper, and there it will stay."

As I was constructing a masterpiece of a sentence (not to brag or anything), I was so rudely interrupted by my highly excited girlfriend who barged through the door. Elsa wasn't usually the type to make a dramatic entry, however, today surely was an exception. She nearly ran through the door with so much light and joy in her eyes they could easily be mistaken for stars.

"You'll never believe what happened!" She exclaimed, and I jumped so high I almost dropped my laptop.

Elsa threw her bag on the bed, and walked to me. I barely had time to calm down from the massive shock she had caused me, before she with the biggest smile I'd ever seen on Elsa's face put a hand on each of the armrests of my chair, and kissed me so hard the back of my head met the cushion.

The kiss was amazing as always. The kiss was filled with so much excitement and happiness I could almost feel the butterflies invading Elsa's stomach, and the thrill that rushed through her.

I was left perplexed as she pulled away, and watched her as she danced towards the bed, only to throw herself into the pillows.

"Mind sharing what's having you act like you just won the lottery?" I asked. As Elsa beamed at me, while I let my eyes grow wide with an expression of horror. "Wait, you didn't actually win the lottery, did you?" I teased.

Elsa threw a pillow at me. I caught it with my left hand before it collided with my face. Thank you handball skills. I discarded the pillow, and kneeled onto the bed. Elsa reached for the hem of my shirt to pull me down towards her. I dropped down next to her, careful when laying down so nothing would happen to my arm.

Elsa looked at me with these massive blue puppy-dog eyes. She was biting her bottom lip, barely able to hold back a giggle.

"I got a job today," she finally revealed. At the same time, a tear rolled down her cheek.

She was crying with happiness. I didn't know you could be laughing and crying at the same time. This reminded me of the time I'd read Elsa my letter.

"A real job, Anna," she sniffled, sounding as if she still couldn't believe it.

I sat dumbstruck. I sat dumbstruck for just a few seconds, because I realized that this was a turning point in Elsa's life. She had done it. She had escaped poverty, built a life for herself. Not alone of course, but hell if she hadn't fought for it.

I scooted closer to her, and rolled onto my back. That was the only way I could wrap my arm around her. Elsa rested on top of me, laughing and crying into my shoulder.

"I'm so proud of you Els," I said quietly. "You deserve it. I'm so happy for you…," I whispered into her ear. I kept telling her how amazing she was, and how much she deserved this. Hopefully, one day she would believe me.

I kissed the top of her head. The room was so full of excitement, despite the depressing weather outside. The rain drummed on the windows. It was coming down hard outside. It was as if this room was where everything good happened. Some of the happiest moments of my life I'd spent in this room, and I'd only been home for three weeks.

"Can you believe it?" Elsa asked again.

She lifted her head to look at me. I smiled at her, placing my hand on her cheek to catch an escaping tear with my thumb.

"Yes. I can," I answered. Then I kissed her. Just a sweet innocent kiss.

Elsa laughed into the kiss. She was so bubbly with emotions. It was rare I saw Elsa so all over the place. All over the place in a good way of course. Elsa was just always so calm and collected. I could sense she didn't know what to do with herself. This was the happiest I'd ever seen her.

Elsa was slowly becoming and independent person. Of course, I realized that meant that she was also becoming independent of me too. She didn't want to have to rely on me, nor Aunt Susan, for money. But this was a good thing. It was a good thing because suddenly I saw this relationship stretch far into the future. Vacations were suddenly a reality. A house to ourselves. Sending our kids to college. There was that future I'd missed seeing with Elsa. And here she was, making me think of the two of us growing old together. The piece of my heart that I had dedicated to her, despite it's condition, was forever hers.

"So, tell me about this job," I suggested caringly.

The rain kept drumming on the windows as Elsa told me everything. How she had been on her way home from old Gerda's house. Elsa cleaned Gerda's house for free every second week. Gerda was such a kind soul, Elsa insisted, and she had always bought some of her ice sculptures. For a whole season, Gerda had been Elsa's only customer, and insisted paying overprize for her ice roses. She almost solemnly kept Elsa and Ofelia going that entire winter. Elsa didn't have any other way to repay Gerda than to offer to clean her house. Gerda was too old to do it herself, and happily accepted Elsa's offer. She left her payment on the counter every time, but Elsa purposely 'forgot' it every time.

Anyway, Elsa had been walking home from old Gerda's house that late afternoon. She told me about how she'd passed Tiana's Café and noticed the 'Now Hiring' sign hanging by the window. Without much thought, Elsa had rushed in there, and asked about the available position. Not ten minutes later, Elsa was a waitress at Tiana's Café.

…I didn't have the heart to tell her that I might had had something to do with it. A few days ago, I'd gone to Tiana and asked if she was hiring. She said she wasn't, and asked me why I was suddenly in the need of a job. I told her it was for Elsa, and Tiana quickly understood. She promised to look into it, as well as she promised not to say anything to Elsa. It was better that way. Elsa needed this win. She had had a rough enough time agreeing to me and Aunt Susan's moving arrangements. Elsa needed to think she had done this all by herself, and in a way, she actually had. Tiana said she couldn't promise anything, about a job I mean. She couldn't assure me anything. I figured after a few days had passed, and I hadn't heard anything from her, she hadn't been able to get Elsa a job. But of course Tiana was clever (much brighter than me at least) and had put a sign in the door instead of just calling me. So indirectly, I had had nothing to do with it. It was all Elsa's doing by noticing the sign and applying for the job.

Either way. Done was done now. Elsa was a job richer, and I was a worry poorer. It was a win win. It was bizarre thinking that Elsa would soon be working at Tiana's Café. Bizarre in the way that for years she had been standing on the corner right next to the café cutting her sculptures. Now she was just right inside the building she'd been freezing outside of every day. She might not have moved more than a few feet, but in reality Elsa had moved miles. Six months ago, I found a freezing Elsa outside of Tiana's Café. Now she was serving people hot beverages to keep them warm inside Tiana's Café.

And I couldn't be more proud of what she'd accomplished. What we'd both accomplished. Together.

* * *

Elsa had now worked a full week at Tiana's café. People in town loved her. Some recognized her as the girl with the ice roses. Some didn't. But it didn't take long for the Tiana's regular costumer to learn Elsa's name.

Elsa told me she felt appreciated. The people who recognized her as the poor girl on the street either complimented her on her ice sculptures, or congratulated her on her newfound success. When I first heard about the people complimenting her on getting off the streets, I almost went down there and wanted to know the names of these rude souls so that I could knock their teeth out. Somehow, it hurt me to know that some people would actually mention it to Elsa. As if she had chosen to live on the streets until now. As if she decided now was the time to pull her act together and get a job.

It made me mad.

Elsa made me sit down again and take a deep breath before I did anything drastic. She told me she didn't mind. She knew the costumers didn't mean it like that. And if they did, she chose not to take it that way. No, Elsa merely bathed in the glory of reaching that turning point in her life. Nothing could knock her down, not even some sad annoying customers who felt as if they had the right to question Elsa's success.

Elsa made me count backwards from ten when I felt these blasts of anger. They came more and more regularly. I felt as if I was PMS'ing thirty days a month lately. I still saw Jane twice a week. I'd told her about these fits I'd been having. She asked whether I thought it might have something to do with my parents. That I might have stopped drinking poison, but my body still wasn't set on the transition yet. Sometimes it was easy to set your mind to something, but your body won't always follow right away.

I was happier than I'd been in a long long time. I knew that for sure now. But Elsa still had to hold me at night when I woke up crying for no reason. She asked me what was wrong, and I told her I didn't know.

"Nothing's wrong… I don't understand how I can be sad without even knowing why…," I would sob into the pillow.

Elsa would have a hard time comforting me, because I would always turn away from her. I would bury my face in the pillow until it became so wet and hot I couldn't breathe anymore. Elsa would snuggle up close behind me. She would hold her hands over my waist and pull me closer to her. When I'd finally calmed down enough, I would allow her to stroke my hair behind my ear, and rest her head on my shoulder.

"It's okay, Anna. I've got you," Elsa soothed.

Those nights were hard. But I noticed how they were gradually lessening. I wasn't sure whether they would go away entirely, but I could always hope.

We would wake up in the same position we fell asleep in. We both needed the rest. Elsa because she had a full-time job now and me because… well, I guess I still had some demons to slay. I didn't do much, other than write and take some long walks with Sven and Kristoff.

Aunt Susan never urged me to get a job, or start school again. She knew I still needed time. But she had me promise that I would start spending more time with people. She didn't want me to be alone as often as I used to and preferred to be. Of course, she understood the need to retreat when things became unmanageable and overwhelming. But spending time with people was a way to fuel me with positivity. It was a way to distract me from overthinking all the awful thoughts that still entered my mind sometimes.

Thoughts about my mom for example. I missed my mom. I really did. I didn't want to. But I did. I bet that was part of the reason I had those anger blasts. I was angry with her still, but I tried not to be. I did stop drinking poison, but I accidently gave into a few drops occasionally. She made me angry, because I couldn't figure out what had had happened between us. I knew being gay wasn't the reason she stayed away from me. Mom never had an issue with gay people before. Not to the degree where she would kick out her own child at least. Why didn't she want me anymore? I was still her kid, right? How could she just stay away? And after the accident? No. Something was holding her back, and I wasn't sure whether it was my dad or herself. I guess I just had to get used to the idea of not really having a mom around anymore.

Luckily, my friends helped distract me from all of that. Aunt Susan was right. It was healthy for me to spend time with others. Sven and Kristoff swung by often. Ofelia and Aunt Susan had invited them in one time before Elsa and I came home. We found them playing_ Twister_ on the living room floor all tangled up like human noodles. After that, Sven and Kristoff was welcome at any time, Aunt Susan and Ofelia had said. They would occasionally join us for dinner or movies nights. Sometimes I didn't participate whenever Kristoff and Sven were around. I still needed my space. On the most unexpected of times, I would start tearing up, which merely meant I would go to me and Elsa's room and write. Elsa would follow me in there just to check if I was okay. Then she would go back and rejoin whatever the others were doing.

Elsa understood that sometimes I needed space from people. Even her. And Elsa sometimes felt like that too. But I didn't mind crying in front of Elsa. She told me she was happy I could cry with her. And somehow, I found it rather relieving myself. When Sven and Kristoff bid their goodnights, Elsa would join me in our bedroom. Sometimes the evening to would end in hot sex, and other nights we would simply just curl up next to each other. Elsa had to force me to bed some nights.

"I'm not tired," I would tell her, and keep writing like a maniac. I did probably looked like a maniac with that one arm darting over the keyboard.

She would walk over to me, save my document, and close my laptop. She would kiss me on my forehead and say, "you need sleep, Darling. Trust me. You'll thank me in the morning."

And damn if I always had to thank her in the morning. Either way, Elsa was right. Sleep was important. No person could remain sane without sleep. So as much as I wanted to sit and write all night, I was glad Elsa was there to drag my sorry ass to bed. She was also always the one who had to drag me up in the morning. I wasn't much of a morning person, I admit it. Hell, one time Elsa got so fed up with my laziness, she called Aunt Susan who didn't hesitate in pouring a bucket of water over my head. Since then, I'd be vary on how far my snooze time stretched.

I still enjoyed the sight of our Paris poster whenever I woke up. It made me smile. It made me think of the bright future Elsa and I had together. Elsa was happy too. Just by working one week at Tiana's she'd earned more than she'd done on an entire month on the streets. It wasn't long until Sven and Kristoff found it fitting to celebrate Elsa's one-week anniversary at the café (those two literally had the need to celebrate _everything_).

Ergo, to celebrate Elsa's first week at the café, Sven, Kristoff and I decided to surprise Elsa and Tiana after closing time. We brought cookie dough, because last time we talked about how Elsa had never tried cookie dough. Sven couldn't have it. Elsa needed to try cookie dough at least once in her life, he insisted.

That night, the stars were out, and they lit up the sky. It was rare that we got a good look at the sky at night, because the city was typically swallowed by an enormous layer of clouds. But tonight, the sky was awake, and we all decided that it was the perfect night to celebrate (for some reason).

The three of us entered the café as Elsa was bussing tables. There she stood in an insanely cute (read ridiculously sexy) uniform, with a tiny little white apron on, clearing all the tables. Tiana was in the kitchen, cleaning up after the day's hungry guests. Kristoff turned the open sign to closed, and the boys sat themselves down in a booth. I walked over to Elsa who was finishing up for the day.

"Hey Beautiful," I greeted her.

Elsa couldn't help but smile. A tiny little shy smile.

"Hey Stranger," she said back.

We kissed hello. As she was about to pull away, I grabbed her apron and pulled her back towards me. That uniform was too sexy to not kiss your girlfriend in a second time.

"Easy there, people still have eyes, Anna," Elsa reasoned as she took a step back, and continued to clean up.

"Sorry, couldn't help myself." I was looking at her with a dreamy smile.

I bet the whole world could see how in love I was with this girl. I left Elsa alone as she finished up. I didn't want to disturb her while she did her job. Tiana was out back, so I decided to leant her a hand. I walked behind the counter, like I used to whenever I would help Tiana make flapjack on the weekends a couple of years ago. Everything looked the same. The stove still even that black mark from the time I set the oven mitts on fire. Good times.

"Hey T, you back here?" I asked out into the open space.

I heard a few boxes being stacked onto each other, and followed the sound.

"In here!" She called.

I rounded the corner, and was met by Tiana's lovely features. Her hands were covered in flour.

"Hey, Cupcake." Tiana turned around and looked me in the eye. "You looking sharp today," she smiled and winked at me.

"Thanks," I replied, not really sure what she was implying, but genuinely accepted the compliment. That was until I saw my reflection on the back of one of the ladles hanging from the ceiling, and noticed Elsa's lipstick smudged on my upper lip. Quickly I ran my sleeve over my mouth to get rid of it.

I helped Tiana pack away the boxes. I told her to go sit in the corner so she wouldn't hurt her back, while I got rid of the rest of the boxes. Of course it wasn't easy with one arm, but I was being stubborn. She just laughed at me and playfully swung her dishcloth at me. The boxes were finally gone, and we were just about to join the others inside the restaurant.

"Hey," I said and stopped her before she pushed through the door. "I just want to say… thanks. Thank you for everything."

Tiana simply smiled at me. She brought a hand up and with her white hands, she planted a little excess flour on my nose. I snorted.

"Don't mention it, Cupcake. Elsa is a joy to be around. She takes such good care of the customers. Honestly, I should be thanking you."

That comment made me smile. Of course, I already knew how much of a blessing Elsa was to the world, but hearing it from someone else's mouth just made it that much better.

"It's good to see you smiling again, Anna. I missed that goofy grin of yours," Tiana added. "Elsa's very lucky to have you. You guys are just perfect for each other."

With that, she padded me once on the cheek (leaving another trail of flour on my face), and walked through the door. I heard Sven and Kristoff greet her loudly on the other side. I took a moment to absorb Tiana's loving words. 'You guys are just perfect for each other.' We were, weren't we? Perfect, I mean. Perfect in the least perfect way. Tiana's words made me think of what Aunt Susan once said to me. It made me think of what she'd said to me that time she helped Elsa sneak out the window after the night she almost froze to death. About how if someone could make me smile like that, you better hold them tight and sure as hell not let go. Those were words to live by. Because Elsa made me smile brighter than anyone else on this planet. Even if it was a goofy smile, like Tiana had said.

When I was ready, I pushed open the door, and joined my friends. Elsa had finally put down her dishtowel and was sitting down with the others. I scooted in next to her. She put an arm around me.

"Anna, drugs aren't good for you. You should know better," Sven stated with a mischievous smile, and took a sip of his beer.

I suddenly remembered the flour on my face. Elsa caringly wiped it off with a cloth, and kissed the tip of my nose when she was done.

"No more stalling. Eat Elsa. This is for you," Kristoff exclaimed and dug a massive chunk of cookie dough out with a spoon before handing it to Elsa.

The moment the cookie dough hit Elsa's taste buds, her eyes widened.

"This is delicious," she concluded with her mouth full of cookie dough.

Kristoff handed out a spoon to the rest of us. Beer and cookie dough. Who would've thought? If I were ever to start a restaurant, this would be the main course. French toast for the entre, and pineapple pizza for dessert.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.

"Excuse me," I said, kissing Elsa sweetly before I left the table.

For some reason I thought it was Aunt Susan. She probably wanted to know what Elsa and I were up to tonight. Without looking at the screen, I walked outside into the cold. My breath fogged up into clear puffs of air in front of me.

The street was deserted. It was snowing lightly. The sky was gone again. It was so quiet, it was almost a shame that my phone had to ruin the perfect silence with it's loud beeping.

"Hey," I greeted the caller as I pressed the phone to my ear.

"Anna," a voice said.

The voice took me by surprise.

"Who's this?" I asked without realizing who I was actually talking to. It didn't take me long to figure out though. Somehow, he was the last person I expected to talk to that night.

"Its me," the voice stated harshly. As if he was offended.

For some reason, I didn't hang up. No, for some reason, I just looked over my shoulder and caught a glimpse of my friends laughing inside the café. I wanted to be in there with them. I needed backup. But I knew this was something I had to handle myself.

I took a deep breath, letting the cold air freeze me from the inside.

"Hans," I stated flatly. "What do you want?"

He didn't hesitate when I asked.

"Mom and Dad are arguing. Its bad."

His words were monotone. Judgmental. Hateful. I'd had enough of this. I hated how Hans talked to me. And despite the fact that I had chosen to forgive him, I was done being walked all over. He needed a taste of his own medicine.

"So?" I asked him blatantly.

That merely made him sound even more offended. I decided to find it funny how he acted like a ten year old sometimes, instead of getting angry over it.

"So? You ruined everything, Anna. Now you need to fix it," he demanded.

"I didn't ruin anything," I said clearly.

Because I didn't ruin anything. I was the victim here, not my parents. How Hans made it sound otherwise was a mystery to me. But I had to stand my ground.

"Yes you did. You ruined this entire family. Mom and Dad are arguing because of you. You need to stop it. Do something. Take responsibility."

_It's not your responsibility, Anna. Your only responsibility is towards yourself. Your only responsibility is to make sure _you're_ happy,_ my mind soothed. For once, my mind was cooperating with me.

"It's not my problem," I said relentlessly.

"You're such a self-centered bitch sometimes!" Hans yelled, as the immature jerk he was.

I was done. That was the last drop. But I had to stay calm and collected. Hans was the one who lost his temper, I didn't dare sink that low.

"You know what, Hans? Maybe I am a little self-centered. But do you want to know something else? I've never been better."

I was being my own hero. I was being my own fucking hero, and damn if it felt awesome. Yes, I was being self-centered. But in the right way.

"Screw you, Anna. You've destroyed this family and you know it. You're tearing it all apart," he accused.

I snorted. Yes, you heard right. I freaking almost laughed into that damn phone. I knew nothing would annoy my brother more. Then I said something I wish I'd said a long time ago.

"I don't believe you. Because it's not true. I didn't destroy anything. And I'm tired of listening to you whine about it. I'm tired of taking all of your problems onto my shoulders. You've been throwing your shit at me for way to long, and I've been picking it up. Now it has to stop. I'm done. I have my own stuff to worry about."

"You're a coward," he spat.

"You and I both know who the real coward is here, Hans. Don't call me again unless you have something nice to say."

I hung up. I was crying. But they were good tears. They were proud tears.

I fucking won.

Then I walked inside and enjoyed the rest of my evening. I intended to enjoy every bit of it. And when it was finally time to go home, I decided to tell Elsa about my conversation with my brother. Elsa and I walked home together hand in hand that night. I didn't want to drive, because I'd had a beer or two. Elsa didn't know how to drive yet, but I'd promised I would teach her.

The streets were so quiet. Somehow, my mind felt so clear. I could feel that Elsa was proud of me. Proud that I'd stood up for myself. We turned a corner, and was now able to see our apartment by the end of the street. That's when I noticed her.

A tall slender figure was standing outside our apartment building. It was a woman. She looked distressed in the way she kept pacing back and forth. Her scarf was a neat shade of pink. A piece of luggage was placed in the snow next to a trashcan. She kept passing the trashcan as she walked up and down the sidewalk.

Elsa and I looked at each other, deciding to casually pass the stranger and enter our door. That was, until I recognized her. I stopped up in the middle of the sidewalk. Elsa's head turned to me. She felt how my entire body froze on the spot.

"Mom?" I asked.


	27. Hi Again

**Chapter 27 – Hi Again**

"Mom, what're you doing here?" I asked with an unintended trace of accusation in my voice.

My question was fuelled by pure disbelief. Only as the woman in front of me stopped pacing, making my brain process she was in fact in my presence, my mind started screaming at me. It screamed that this was real. It screamed all sorts of nasty things that I was too afraid to listen to because I feared it might scare the woman away again. And yet, a small voice of reason in the back of my mind tried to convince me that I hadn't been the one scaring her away in the first place.

I could sense the knot that settled in her throat. She was speechless. And so was I at the moment. Without realizing it, I'd let go of Elsa's hand. I didn't mean to. I guess it was instinctive. I'd been hiding from my mother for so long it was pure and utter reflex to conceal this side of me from her.

"Anna, I-" she tried, but her voice cracked.

A hand shot up to cover her mouth. She was biting back her sobs. The light from the streetlights made the pools of tears stacking up in her canthus glister like shining stars. Elsa remained put beside me. Either she was just as stunned by our surprise visitor as I was, or she had decided to remain passive and let me handle the situation as I found fitting.

The hurt I felt inside magnified when the first tear rolled down my mother's cheek. The wounds Elsa and Jane had done such a good job at sealing were torn open all over again. For some reason, seeing my mom made me feel as if I was being ripped apart for the second time.

Because I realized how much I'd missed her.

And I realized how much she didn't deserve to be missed.

By being reluctant to do anything while I was being kicked out of my own home, she had confirmed all of the worst theories I'd had about her. That she had the spine of a jellyfish. That she was too scared to stand up against my dad. She might not have been the one doing the actual kicking out, but she might as well have. Because she didn't stop it. She didn't prevent it. She just let it happen. I wasn't sure whether I would ever be able to forgive her for that. I wasn't sure whether time would be able to erase this.

And yet, here I was. Standing in the snow in front of my dearly missed, much beloved, mother who was trying to contain her sobs. Her legs looked wobbly, and her sleep deprived, bloodshot eyes made her look so frail. So I did what any homesick child would have done. I leaned over and picked up her suitcase with my good arm, it was lighter than I expected. Then I put a hand on her shoulder and pushed her towards the door.

"Come on, Mom. It's getting cold out here…," I mumbled in sad, but overbearing, tone of voice.

The older woman sniffled once. Elsa swiftly came to her aid with a handkerchief. My mother came to a halt. For a mere couple of seconds, Elsa and her locked eyes. My mom's mouth fell open. She couldn't believe Elsa's kindness. I could tell, because I rarely came across eyes filled with as much shame and self-loathing as I saw that night in my mother's. The corner of Elsa's mouth curled up by the slightest as she extended her arm just an inch so that the older woman would accept her offering. Hesitantly, Mom reached out for the handkerchief. A thankful smile followed. It was a scene I'd never imagined I would get to witness. My mom and Elsa. Together.

As I carried the tiny piece of luggage up the stairs with Elsa behind me, I wondered what had suddenly brought my mother here. Why now, of all times, was she standing on my doorstep? Judging from the modest amount she'd managed to pack, it seemed as a rather spontaneous decision on her behalf. The suitcase was so light. It couldn't contain more than a few dresses along with a toothbrush. Considering the hour of the night, it pretty much confirmed my theory that my mother indeed had made an unplanned escape.

But what about my dad? Where was he? Hopefully at home thinking about his terrible life decisions. Either way, I didn't have the mental capacity to think of him right now. All I could think of was how Aunt Susan was going to react when she discovered we had a surprise visitor. As I was putting my key in the door, I was begging to God, or whomever was up there, that Aunt Susan was awake. There was just something terribly awkward about waking up your aunt up in the middle of the night next to her lover to announce another family emergency meeting.

Luckily, the wall of heat from the fireplace hit me as I stepped inside, which usually meant people were awake in our tiny accommodation.

Ofelia and Aunt Susan both turned their heads as we entered the door.

Aunt Susan's mouth fell open as she gaped in utter disbelief by our unexpected guest. Ofelia kept surprisingly calm. It was as if this didn't come as a surprise to her at all.

"Adrianna?" Aunt Susan questioned immediately, and my shoulders dropped because thank God I didn't have to do this all by myself anymore.

Well, not that Elsa wasn't a great help, but Aunt Susan was just more qualified than any of us to deal with her own sister. Elsa noticed my unsubtle exhale of relieve, and put a hand on my shoulder. Somehow, the urge to shake it off occurred. There it was again. The instinct. But to hell with it. This was my home. If Elsa and I couldn't be ourselves here, where then?

"Susan," my mom said still all choked up.

She said Aunt Susan's name as if it was the solution to everything. As if, Aunt Susan was the solution to world peace and global starvation. My mom hardly had time to notice Elsa and I's interaction, so why was I so worked up about it? I didn't know, all I knew was that the tears were trying to push their way through and my legs were shaking.

So when Aunt Susan got up and walked to her sister, and my mother stepped into the living room, I took the opportunity to take a tiny step closer to Elsa and let her put an arm around my waist. I wanted to cry and I wanted to yell, but now wasn't the time for any of that. Elsa's touch kept me from making a huge mistake, such as starting to accuse her of abandoning me, or screaming at her that she had failed as a mother. In the end, I knew it wasn't true.

The two sisters were standing in front of each other, both teary eyed. Finally they couldn't resist anymore, and the threw their arms around each other. My mother started sobbing into my aunt's shoulder.

"I left him," she cried.

Aunt Susan merely hugged her sister tighter. They both stood like that for a long time. Ofelia had quickly decided that this wasn't her scene, and had snuck into her room to give the two of them some space. Meanwhile, I wasn't doing too well. I didn't really know what was happening, but I wasn't doing such a great job at breathing. I felt lightheaded.

"Anna and I will just go and put down our jackets. We'll be right back," Elsa announced out of the blue.

It didn't appear to make that huge of an impact on the two. They were lost in each other's embrace. I doubted my mother even heard Elsa's words over her own sobs. Elsa tugged on my arm, and she led me to our bedroom. It wasn't until Elsa had closed the door I felt hot tears run down my cheeks.

"Shh, it's okay. Come lay down with me," Elsa soothed and pulled me towards the bed.

I obliged and carefully placed myself on the bed with my legs hanging over the edge. The blonde unzipped my jacket as I was laying down. She discarded her own coat, and lay down next to me. Occasionally she would stroke my cheek with a petite gentle hand.

"But Elsa, I have to be out there, I have to be…," I couldn't finish the sentence because Elsa put a finger on my lips to shush me.

"Anna, you were seconds away from having a panic attack in there. You don't have to be anywhere until you're ready," were her calming words to me.

My eyes widened by the realization of it all. Despite Elsa's calming gestures, panic rushed through me nonetheless. I definitely wasn't ready, because I slowly felt the ghostly sensation of angst devour me.

"What do I say? Oh, Elsa, what do I say to her? … what should I say, Elsa?" I kept repeating myself, my mind suddenly only playing in loops.

Elsa hushed me again. Urgently, she scooted closer to me and took my cheeks between her hands to pull my head to her chest. I felt her warmth. Listened to her heartbeat. Smelt her crisp minty aroma. Elsa clutched me closer to her. Her grip was tight around me. I was hurting again, and she couldn't take it. I hated doing this to her. Why was I always the one hurting? Not that I wanted Elsa to be the one hurting. But I felt as if it was my turn to give back.

I didn't know how long we laid there. Long enough, I guess. Because I was slowly returning to my old self. The suffocating amount of adrenaline had run dry in my bloodstream, and I could almost think clearly again.

"Thank you for getting me out of there. You were right. I probably wouldn't have lasted much longer in there," I mumbled against her chest.

I could've just fallen asleep in her arms. But of course every time I closed my eyes, I couldn't help but picture my mom crying outside of our door. It was time to get this over with. I could stay in Elsa's embrace forever, but as pleasant as it was, it wouldn't fix things. No, I had to actively do something about it.

"Of course. You know I'm here for you. Always," Elsa promised.

I lifted my head from her chest. It felt heavy. I ignored the oncoming pounding in my temples. Elsa and I took a moment to look at each other. I tried smiling at her. But my smile slowly faltered.

"Kiss me," I begged her.

Elsa looked questionable at me. Her brows came together in her oh so famous worry-prone expression. I needed the distraction. I needed just another moment where Elsa and I could be… well, just us. Just for one minute, I wanted to forget the devastating conversation that was ahead of me. Neglecting her worrisome features, I tilted my head, preparing for Elsa to navigate her way to my lips. My eyes closed as Elsa leaned in.

The kiss started out soft, our lips barely gracing each other. We both held our breathes until we simultaneously exhaled through our noses. Elsa's hands were on my neck, and mine was on her waist. I tried pushing my tongue past her lips, but it took some time before she would let me. Finally, she gave in. Elsa's tongue met mine halfway. Just as I'd put my hand on her cheek, she pulled away gently. She rested her forehead against mine, and said, "You can't avoid her forever, Anna."

Was I really that obvious? Of course, Elsa knew I was stalling. She was clever like that.

"You're right," I agreed.

I tiled my head once more to kiss her lips one final time. Elsa kissed me back proudly. I found myself at the door about to turn the door handled.

"You coming?" I asked over my shoulder as I noticed Elsa remain sitting on the bed.

Her eyes widened in surprise by my question.

"What? You want me to come with you?" She asked shocked. "But Anna, I'm pretty sure your mother hates me."

Elsa's words made me feel a strike of guilt. How could Elsa think anyone could hate her? To be fair, I didn't even think _my dad_ hated Elsa. No, he just hated the fact the that Elsa was a girl. Hadn't Elsa noticed how ashamed my mother had looked as she accepted her handkerchief? Perhaps that was it. Perhaps Elsa had thought the shame was directed towards her. I walked towards my Ice Rose, who looked completely shattered. I kneeled down in front of her.

"Of course she doesn't hate you, Elsa. I don't think you understand how loveable you are," I soothed with a hint of a smile on my lips.

"… you really don't think she hates me?" Elsa asked doubtfully.

"Positive," I assured her.

Her teeth sank into her bottom lip for a moment. Her hands were fiddling in her lap. Elsa rarely did that. I took a hold of one of her hands, hating my stupid arm for not allowing me to grab both of her hands in mine.

"I don't think I should be going in there with you," Elsa stated conclusively.

"How come?" I wondered.

She took a deep breath.

"It's not my place, Anna. I know you want to show your mom that we're together. But I think me being there would be a bit overwhelming for her. We have plenty of time to show how much we love each other. But tonight isn't the night."

I thought long and hard on that one. On one hand, I wanted Elsa there for moral support. However, of course I knew it was also about showing Elsa off to my mom. Showing her that we were an item, and that was how things were now. On the other hand, I had to agree with Elsa. My mom had been through enough tonight. Leaving my dad, and asking for forgiveness in one night was plenty.

"Okay. You're right," I decided, while giving her hand a gentle kiss. "I'll see you later then."

I kissed her on the forehead before heading into the living room. Mom and Aunt Susan were sitting on the couch, two cups of hot tea in front of them. My mom's jacket hung over one of the barstools in the kitchen. They both eyed me as I carefully stepped into the living room.

"Come sit down, Sweet-Pea," Aunt Susan suggested.

The awkward part was that I didn't know where to sit. Did I sit down next to my mom? Next to Aunt Susan? Did I place myself across from them? I decided to occupy the chair across from them, despite the weird feeling of purposely letting the coffee table separate us. But at the same time, I highly appreciated the distance. My mom wasn't forgiven yet. At least not entirely. It would probably take some time to reestablish the somewhat close bond we had before.

My mom's eyes followed me the entire time. Her eyes primarily focused on my right arm. I saw the tears return in her eyes as she kept staring at it. I looked down upon the cast. Elsa's name was written on there in big blue letters. Aunt Susan had written her name in green.

"I get the cast off in two weeks," I stated bluntly. "It doesn't hurt that much anymore. But the doctor said it's going to take a while to get me writing again," I continued stupidly.

Mom had put down her cup of tea. Aunt Susan's face had turned into a frown. Aunt Susan still couldn't look at my arm without getting sad either.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you…," my mom whispered. Her voice was barely audible. A tear rolled down her cheek. "I wish I could take it all back…," she added, her voice sounding as equally heart-broken as before.

I wanted to reach over and grab one of her hands. However, I couldn't get myself to do it. I needed an explanation. I needed some sort of clarification from her to even consider moving past this.

"Mom…," my voice was quiet, "what happened to you?... Where were you?" The words that fell from my mouth were so full of hurt and disappointment.

The look on my mother's face was indescribable. She was so transparent in her display of emotions. Everything was just right on the surface now. She was suffering right in front of me, and it almost wasn't fair. She hadn't been there to see me suffer, and now I had to endure this. At the same time, I didn't want to walk in small shoes. My mom had with no doubt gone through her fair share of suffering this past month.

Her voice was shaky as she tried to explain herself. The subtle wrinkles around her eyes made her look more vulnerable than ever. Her thin hands were placed restlessly in her lap. I could hear her gulp from where I was sitting.

"I…I-" she tried to blurt out, but she had difficulty finishing that sentence. "I… I couldn't get myself to leave him, Anna… I didn't realize how much he'd been hurting you… Not until I found your writing the other day."

_My writing? What writing?_ Frantically, I was trying to dig through my brain for any possible suggestions of what I had left behind in my room. Nothing came to mind. I'd successfully been rid of the 'eyes as crystal meth' piece after Hans had gone through my stuff.

"I was cleaning your room," she started, looking away as she spoke. She was ashamed to look at me. She was so ashamed of herself. The guilt was eating her alive. "I hadn't been in there since… well, since the day you… the day you… left. Your dad was the one to empty out your room. I couldn't go in there. But when I finally did, I found all of these love letters curled up in your trash can. You must've written a hundred drafts, and I unfolded every single one of them. It was so beautiful. That's when I realized how much you've been hurting. More than I've ever been aware of. More than you've ever let off. And I realized how much you must Elsa, assuming she's this so-called… Ice Rose."

For the first time in my entire life, I felt as if my mom finally understood. She finally realized my pain. The words falling from her mouth sounded genuine.

"I thought… I thought Dr. Hudson could help. I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand. And at the same time… I was scared. Scared that our family would fall apart if your dad and I separated. That _I_ would fall apart. I just couldn't get myself to leave him. He was my high-school sweet-heart," she sighed heavily. "I don't know why it took me so long to realize that he isn't the man I once married. He hasn't been for a long time. It took all of this to make me realize."

A few teardrops fell onto her hands. She bit her lip. But somewhere along the way, she finally looked up. She caught my gaze. For the first that evening, my mother exhibited a somewhat confident posture. She wiped away her tears with the best of her ability, only to get up and take a seat next to me. The action was unexpected. It felt good to have her close again. I could sense the doubt in her eyes as she was looking at my one good hand. Slowly. Very slowly, she took my hand. She took my hand and looked me in the eye.

"I really hope that one day you'll be able to forgive me, Anna. You might not know it… but you saved me from myself. I'm so sorry it took all of this to realize."

… _you're forgiven_, my mind whispered. The war inside of me was over. I needed an explanation, and now I had it. Despite how bad it hurt right now, I was sure it was worth the pain. It was worth getting my mother back.

My throat tied up. Her words made me cry. I broke down right in front of her. She was already forgiven. I couldn't take it anymore. It was time. It was time to forgive and move on. My mom pulled me close. I was sobbing into her chest. She rubbed my back. Aunt Susan sat teary eyed on the couch across from us. It wasn't long until she got up and joined the embrace. We all three sat and sniffled for God knows how long.

When we were done crying, Aunt Susan insisted that my mom should stay here until further notice. Elsa and I would take the couch, and my mom would get our room.

It would be interesting to see how this entire thing would turn out in the morning. With Elsa and Ofelia I mean. I wasn't sure how comfortable my mother was around the term 'lesbians' yet. I guess time would have to tell. Either way, shortly after I found myself spooning Elsa on the couch. Luckily, it was a pullout couch. Plenty of space for the two of us.

There were just so many new sounds when sleeping in the living room. The moonlight shone an entire different way, and hit us from a weird angle. That, and all the thoughts still roaming around in my head. The thoughts almost made it unbearably to sleep. There was too much to think about. And yet, it was stuff that I shouldn't really be thinking about. Because I was thinking about my dad and Hans. I was thinking about my grandparents and what it all meant. How was it going to be from now on? I didn't know. I had no clue. But at the same time, I wasn't stressing our worrying about it. No. Because I'd gotten my mom back tonight. These people within the walls of this flat, were my family. They were more family than Hans and my dad would ever be.

I rolled onto my side and exhaled loudly in frustration. Sleep wasn't going to come easy tonight. So why not bug Elsa?

"Psst, Elsa," I whispered.

It was silent for a little while. I was afraid she might have already fallen asleep. But then her hushed voice broke the silence.

"Yeah?" She whispered.

"I can't sleep," I stated.

She laughed a little at that.

"Me neither," she said.

I sat up now.

"Let's go for a drive," I suggested.

"You're crazy."

"Admit it. You love crazy."

Elsa giggled quietly.

"Got me there," she said smiling.

Elsa agreed to go for a drive, as long as we were home before two since she had work in the morning. We pulled our pants on and quietly snuck out of the apartment. I turned on the heat as we jumped into the freezing car. I drove us to the lake. The lake Elsa and I had been rowing on a few months back. There was a road that led us straight to it. The moment we stepped out of the car, we noticed something. The sky was clear tonight. And it wasn't snowing for once.

We walked towards the wooden pier. It was slippery as a layer of frost had settled upon the planks. Elsa and I walked to the edge. We let our feet dangle from the pier, and leaned back so we could observe the starts.

"Wow," Elsa said in awe. "I've never seen the stars so clearly before."

"Me neither," I agreed.

Our hands slowly found each other, and they intertwined. A shooting star sprang across the sky. The air was cold. Crisp. The kind of cold that hurt in your nostrils if you breathed too deep through your nose. Our breathes hung in the air in front of us. My thumb repeatedly rubbed over Elsa's. We had such good memories from here. Even though I was in really bad place when we were here last, it was part of the healing process. They were still good memories.

Elsa suddenly turned her head towards me. She was smiling widely.

"Marshmallow," she laughed.

I giggled. How could anyone forget Elsa's favorite word. By now, marshmallow is by far my favorite word in the entire world. Funny how people can influence you like that. But Elsa was right. It just felt good on the tongue. The word was nearly as fluffy as the thing.

"Still a great word," I grinned.

I also turned my head. Our noses touched. I rubbed my nose on hers in an eskimo kiss. That is, until Elsa had had enough and demanded to be kissed properly. There was nothing I wanted more than to make out with her – as always. After a few moments of heated lip-lock, we returned to awing at the starry night. You couldn't help but feel a little small when looking at the universe like that.  
"Hey Els…?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah?"

There were a few seconds of silence. Another shooting star lit up the sky.

"Do you think your parents are up there?"

I could hear Elsa smile at my question.

"Most definitely."

I gave her hand a tiny squeeze.

"Me too," I smiled.

* * *

**A/N:** Alright guys. Just one more _short_ chapter, and then the epilogue. Thanks for reading, I feel like I don't say that enough.

Thanks to TeamWildeEllie for betaing this chapter, and thanks to Andy for moral support. You guys rock.


	28. Smile Forever

**Chapter 28 – Smile Forever**

**A/N: **This is it you guys. The final chapter. The epilogue will be out soon. Look out for my new story "If That's What You Want," it'll be out soon. Thank you so much for your love and support. Thanks to TeamWildeEllie for betaing this chapter. Stay excellent :)

* * *

My favorite spot in the entire apartment was without a doubt the red lion foot chair. If you asked Elsa, she would say I practically lived in it. Whenever she would say such thing, I would put my laptop aside, take her hand, and pull her towards the living room where I would snuggle up with her in front of the fire. I couldn't have Elsa think I prioritized writing over her.

With that being said, writing was a massive part of my life lately. I'd been working day and night (well, the nights Elsa allowed me at least) on my writing. The pages had very quickly added up to 100+ and my fingers just seemed to be able to keep going.

That day I was working on something different though. Working too intensively on one specific project for a long period of time usually ended up with me getting sick of it. Therefore, I would sometimes try my luck at poetry, despite poetry not being my strongest suit.

I was still shy about my work at times. Especially when it came to Elsa. Mostly because everything I wrote was primarily inspired by her.

When Elsa came home that night after work, she did what she always did. Threw her bag on the bed, and walked over to kiss me hello. Some days the kiss was more passionate than others. I could tell how exhausted Elsa was depending on the way she kissed me. When her tongue would sneak into my mouth, I knew it'd been a manageable day at work. When our lips barely graced, I knew it was my cue to help her take off her shoes and tuck her under the covers.

That night was a middle-thing I guess. The kiss wasn't deep and passionate, but it wasn't lazy and tired either. It was one of those kisses where your lips interlock, and you get a brief taste of each other. One of those kisses that lasts longer than two seconds, but less than ten.

Elsa had picked my mother up from work on her way home. She was finally driving now. I'd taught her myself. It was hilarious how she would freak out whenever she had to drive through a narrow path.

"Anna, it's going to hit the side of that car, what do I do?!"

"Relax, there's plenty of space," I would laugh.

"Oh gosh, we're going to die like this. This is it," she convinced herself, staring at me with a look of pure horror.

"You're aware that we are barely going five miles an hour, right?"

That was pretty much our driving lessons summed up. Either way, my mother had gotten a job as a substitute teacher at Arendelle preschool. Her and my dad were officially divorced, and she'd gotten half of the house. Elsa and I were finally able to get our room back – much needed I might add. Five people living in that tiny apartment didn't do any of us good. The space tended to get rather crammed. My mom still had to get used to the whole … gay thing.

"But… how does… intimacy work?" She would ask with a face as innocent as a lambs'.

I'd dropped my fork during dinner that night when Mom had slung that question out in the room.

"Yeah, Anna. Tell your mother how gay sex works. Go on," Aunt Susan had encouraged with a smug grin. Ofelia was about to fall off her chair from laughter.

My face was beet red.

"Christ Mom, you can't just ask me that! Look at poor Elsa, you made her face as red as a firetruck!"

Elsa looked as if she was about to curl in on herself.

"Pish posh, sex is completely natural. But, how does it all work? Is it just finger work or-"

"For Christ Sake Mom, we're not doing this!"

And that was the end of that conversation. Mostly because Aunt Susan and Ofelia were rolling on the floor after my outburst.

Either way, Elsa had just arrived home after a driving my mother back to her apartment. My mom didn't have a car yet, but she'd found this tiny cute flat ten minutes from us. Elsa had promised to help my mom out once in a while, whenever she could. The two of them had gotten quite used to each other. The image of me coming home to my mom showing Elsa my baby photos was still fresh on my mind. Elsa wouldn't stop teasing me about my apple cheeks, and lousy homemade haircuts. At least her and Mom had gotten a good laugh out of it, despite it being at my expense.

Now that my mom had a place of her own, I thankfully didn't have to worry about such embarrassing scenarios happening too often. Having our room back was like a dream come true. Elsa and I enjoyed some long needed privacy, along with some long needed 'finger work.'

Either way, I keep getting sidetracked. Elsa was home and I was happy to see her, we enjoyed the middle-thing-kiss, and here we are. Elsa walked behind me, kind of placing herself on the armrest of the chair. She leaned over, and placed a hand on each of my shoulders.

"What're you doing?" She asked as she peaked her head over my shoulder.

I felt her hands snake around me now. She intertwined her fingers over my tummy and leaned her chin on my shoulder.

"Just putting on the final touches," I mumbled as I chewed on my pencil.

I turned my head to briefly peck her on the cheek, and then went back to the piece of writing in front of me.

"On the new thing, or the 'our' thing?"

"The new thing," I replied.

"Is it done?" Elsa asked curiously.

"Pretty much," I said absentmindedly.

I felt her move her head forward, until her cheek was rubbing against mine.

"Can I read it?"

I smiled. I loved sharing my work with Elsa. Not that I'd shared much with her actually. To think about it, I'd only shared the piece I'd specifically dedicated to her, the piece about the ice rose.

"Do you want me to read it to you?" I asked her.

Elsa pulled back and beamed. She told me she would love nothing more. She sat herself down the edge of our bed, and crossed her legs. Her hands rested elegantly over her knee. Elsa drew her shoulders back, adjusting her posture. She carried herself so confidently. You could never grow tired of looking at how majestic of a creature Elsa actually was. I could write pages and pages about how Elsa owned the room as soon as she entered it, simply because of confidence and beauty. Who was I kidding, I already wrote pages and pages about Elsa.

"Ready when you are," she hummed.

I cleared my throat and tried to suppress the upcoming blush.

"I titled it 'One Day,'" I announced.

Elsa nodded reassuringly. Her gaze was pure love. Then I started to read.

"_One Day_

_One day I will look my father in the eye and tell him how much I missed having him around._

_One day I might have the courage to tell my aunt that she's allowed to cry on my shoulder._

_One day I will smile at my mother, while handing her the grandchild she's always desired so deeply._

_One day I will tell my brother that I think we should talk more._

_One day I will laugh as I shake hands with my publisher after my third book._

_One day I might tell you how I feel about you other than in writing._

_One day I might even push my luck and hold your hand as we are walking through the park._

_One day I will no longer be here. That day may come sooner than expected. A scary thought really._

_But I will be here tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that._

_And, while I'm knocking these walls down with a sledgehammer, that 'one day' is waiting for me. It isn't going anywhere. Not until I tell it to._

_As I stand in my combat boots, hair wailing from side to side, for every swing with the destructive weapon, I let this 'one day' fill me with encouragement._

_A crack in the walls expels a ray of sunlight with the intensity of a laser beam._

_That's the first part of that 'one day' I see._

_I just have to keep swinging that hammer."_

I looked up from my computer. Elsa was smiling so lovingly at me. I closed my laptop and went to sit beside her. She took my hand.

"That was beautiful, Anna," my Ice Rose said.

I smiled. With all of my heart. I could smile forever.

And there you have it. That's the story about how it's okay not to be okay. Because everything is fixable.

* * *

~~~~~ o ~~~~~

* * *

I walk into the living room. Elsa is sitting on the couch with a book in her lap, her reading glasses placed at the tip of her nose. She looks up as she hears my approaching footsteps. I lay myself half on top of her, and take the book in her grasp to place it gently on the floor. Elsa smiles.

"Hey," she greets. "Are you done with your writing? Are you done with the entire story?"

I nod. I nuzzle closer to her. Elsa releases a relieved sigh.

"I'm so proud of you, Anna," she says.

I hug her tighter.

"Are you alright?" She asks gently. Her hand brushes over my forehead. Her thumb caresses my cheek. "What is it, Darling?"

It is silent for a few seconds. Then I place myself on my elbows. I am looking straight into Elsa's eyes. I stroke her cheek. I kiss her lips once.

"I love you," I say.


	29. Oskar

**Epilogue – Oskar**

**A/N:** I sincerely apologize for my lack of responses to your reviews lately. I've been sick and in the middle of moving (again), and had lousy internet. So please, if you feel neglected feel free to PM me saying "Yo BV! Wtf?" and I'll make sure to throw all my love at you.

On another note, I'm so extremely grateful for all the love and support you guys has shown for this story. So thank you all. If you're interested, I've just posted another fic called "If That's What You Want." Thanks to TeamWildeEllie for betaing.

Stay grand

Banana-viking

* * *

"Is he asleep?" Elsa asks tiredly, raising her head lazily from the couch.

"Yeah. Finally," I sigh, though with a smile.

I drop down next to her.

Elsa doesn't hesitate in snuggling closer to me, curling her legs up, and resting her cheek on my shoulder. I kiss the top of her head, and sling an arm around her.

"I don't know what it is with him lately, he's having a hard time sleeping," I worry.

"I think he's in the 'monsters-in-the-closet-phase'," Elsa suggests.

I snort, and agree that that might be the case. I kiss Elsa's hair again. I can never help myself when she rests her head on my shoulder like this. That fresh scent of crispy mint just always gets to me.

"Hey, Els…," I mumble a few moments later.

"Mhm?" She replies, taking her eyes off the TV.

She raises her head to look me in the eye.

"I might go do that thing tomorrow," I state in all seriousness.

Elsa looks at me with worried eyes. However, a glint of encouragement also rushes over her.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

I take her hand and kiss her palm.

"No thank you, I'll be fine. I'm going to head out early so I can be back for lunch," I tell her.

Elsa nods and retrieves her hand, only to place it on my cheek and pull me in for a kiss. We sit on the couch and kiss for a little while. It felt like forever since we'd been able to do that. Both our schedules had been frustratingly hectic these past few weeks.

We finally part, and go back to snuggling a bit more. There's a movie on. I don't know which one, but Elsa seems to like it. It's a romantic drama about some miserable blonde woman who can't seem to get her head straight about which man to choose. Elsa and her love stories. She always had been a sucker for those. At least this one wasn't about a ballerina. Commercials went on, and I thanked the lord that I didn't have to suffer another minute of that atrocious pity party of a movie.

The TV is driveling on about some new Cillit Bang product as I put my feet up on the coffee table. Elsa grabs the remote and turns down the volume. She then lays herself down on her back and rests her head in my lap. My hand quickly finds her hair, and I'm stroking her pale soft locks.

"Are we still going to your mom and George's on Sunday?" She mumbles barely audibly.

"No they cancelled. George told me they decided to go on an extended weekend to a spa instead," I explain with a soft voice, careful not to talk too loud.

Admittedly, when my mom and her new husband had called and cancelled our weekend plans, I couldn't help but find it relieving. I love my mom, and George is a great guy, but man how Elsa and I just needed a weekend off.

"Mmh, a spa sounds nice about now," Elsa hums, closing her eyes while she's probably imagining herself in a robe with cucumbers all over her face (or whatever you do at spas). It doesn't take long before Elsa's breathing slows down and she's fast asleep. Her head gently nods off, and her body loosens.

I lean over and plant a kiss on her forehead. Just one of those tiny smooches that say 'goodnight babe' in case she wasn't fully asleep yet.

Elsa had been so tired lately; work having drained her completely these past few weeks. Recently, I'd found Elsa hunched over an inhumanely large pile of paperwork more often than not. Being a social worker wasn't always easy. However, I've never seen anyone as passionate about their profession as Elsa. She was now helping people like herself, when she was in a bad place.

"I'm done in a few minutes, Darling. Just go to bed, I'll be there in a bit," she would tell me.

I just usually nodded, knowing Elsa had a lot of responsibility, and had some periods where work just never seemed to end. Typically, I would make her a cup of tea, steal a quick kiss, and go to bed. Some nights she wouldn't join me until 2am. Those were the days where I turned off her alarm, and let her sleep in. She didn't have to wake up just to eat breakfast with us.

Just as I decide to turn off the TV and carry Elsa to bed, tiny footsteps sound from around the corner. Bare feet hesitantly approaches, and in he walked with his teddy bear clutched to his chest. His cheeks are a round and pink as he stands there suckling on his pacifier.

"Can't sleep, Champ?" I ask him, and he immediately shakes his head while he is staring at me with those glossy big brown eyes of his.

"Want to help me carry Mommy to bed?" I say, and he nods while walking over to take my hand.

I hold his tiny hand in mine, pulling him closer and kiss him on the cheek. His whole hand is the size of my palm.

"Alright, I need both of my hands to get Mommy to bed. You walk right behind me and watch out for Legos on the floor, yeah?"

Oskar nods again and releases my hand. All I can think of is how badly I want to be able to carry them both, because gosh how I hated letting go of that little hand of his. However, giving him a job while I carried Elsa to bed typically made him feel useful, leaving me with a better conscious of letting go of his longing grip.

Elsa stirs as I pick her up. I carry her with a firm grip, taking a few steps towards the staircase, before looking over my shoulder to make sure Oskar is still with me. He is standing right behind me, holding onto the back pocket of my jeans with one hand. That way, Oskar could follow suit of the stairs. So, in a way, I _was_ carrying both him and Elsa. Good thing Elsa isn't heavy, since our bedroom is on the first floor, right next to Oskar's.

"Mh, just five more minutes," Elsa mumbles wishfully, as I take the first step up the staircase.

She instinctively slings her arms around my shoulders and rests her head in the crook of my neck. I can feel her breath on my collarbone.

"It's alright, Babe. Oskar and I are just taking you to bed," I tell her, while I glance at Oskar to make him feel included.

I readjust Elsa's arm, and up we go, Oskar never more than a few tiny steps behind me. He lets go of my jeans when we reach the top. Just a few more steps and we reach the bedroom.

Elsa immediately sinks into the mattress as I lay her down on the soft sheets. Oskar's standing beside me. I crouch and loop an arm around him.  
"Go kiss Mommy goodnight," I whisper to him and grabs his pacifier.

Oskar tip toes over to Elsa. Meanwhile, I unbutton her pants and pull them off, along with her socks. Carefully, I pull the comforter over Elsa. I watch as Oskar plants a kiss by the corner of Elsa's mouth, and whispers, "goodnight, Mommy."

The sight makes my heart swell to twice the size. This little boy is just so full of love. Oskar doesn't say much, he had never been a boy of many words. But he didn't have to be. His smile said it all. Oskar is a kid of few words, but never have I ever come across a child so lighthearted.

Of course, Oskar possessed the common worries of any child, like the 'monsters-in-the-closet-phase.' However, it was rare a smile of joy wasn't plastered upon Oskar's face. That was just his nature. He was a shy kid though. A little like Elsa sometimes. He liked time for himself, not like me who have to be surrounded by people to charge my batteries.

It took some time for Oskar to fall into place after we adopted him. But after a month or two, the three of us fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. He stopped crying whenever we would pick him up. He felt safe with us whenever we tried to soothe him. It took a lot of sleepless nights to get where Oskar is now, but that smile just makes it all worth it. If only Oskar would smile like that forever. But I know that Oskar will have heartbreaks, and feel pain during his lifetime. That's inevitable. All I can do is to be there for him when that happens. But I knew from the first time I laid eyes on him that I would do anything in the world for this boy.

Oskar was about five months old when he entered our lives. When I held that little life in my arms, I suddenly felt the weight of parenthood. This little person, whom so I was terrified of dropping (don't worry, I didn't), was now mine and Elsa's responsibility. Wherever he went, I went. He was the love of my life from the moment Elsa handed him over to me. Him and Elsa. My one and only's. I'd never felt love so intense, so heart clenching and suffocating, as I did when Oskar stared straight into my eyes for the first time. His big brown eyes just caught mine with such a tight grip that the tears couldn't be held back, despite how hard I tried to conceal them.

The day we finally got to bring him home changed our lives. Adoption was a complicated process, and an emotional one at that. Needless to say, Elsa and I had been through hell and back to adopt. There were so many nights where Elsa cried herself asleep in my arms because she thought it was never going to happen.

Kids hadn't been something Elsa and I had discussed much. Elsa grew up with the belief that she wouldn't bring children into this world. Surely, her mind changed after she met me, and after we created an entirely new life together. However, her belief still stood, in regards to never wanting to create life herself. She wanted to adopt, because she said that there's plenty of lives on this planet already. Lives that we could make better. And that's where Oskar entered the picture. We adopted from the same orphanage where Elsa grew up.

We knew it was going to be a long process, so we decided to start as soon as Elsa was finished with her degree. When Elsa turned twenty-six, she was done. And so was I. It didn't take long until we owned a house, and not just any house. The old houses near the parking lot had was torn down years ago, but they rebuilt a few. Elsa and I bought what once was Ofelia and Elsa's home. However, this time, there was running water and the staircase wasn't about to give in every time you dared taking a step. Now all that was missing was a kid we could call ours.

I smile at this little boy who has no idea how big of a piece of my heart he carries with him. Oskar carried the piece that my dad used to have. The piece I thought I'd lost forever.

Oskar walks to me. I embrace him and lift him off the floor. Together we walk into his room. His teddy bear is caught in-between us. It was my old teddy bear. The one Hans always used to hide whenever he thought I got too much attention.

I place Oskar on his bed. I notice how his eyes wander towards the closet. I can't help but smile a little of his childish fears. The boy pulls his teddy closer to him.

"Are you scared of the closet, Buddy?" I ask him, raising my hand to run my thumb over his cheek.

He nods. I ponder a little over the dilemma.

"Well," I tell him, "there's only one thing to do then," I say chipper.

"What's that?" Oskar's tiny voice sounds.

I smile at him, and grabs his hand.

"We got to make friends with the monsters," I answer.

With that, I watch him as he gets to his feet. We walk over to the closet and Oskar steps behind me as I open the closet door. He is hiding behind my legs, and my hand goes straight to his shaggy brown hair.

"See. There's no one here, Oskar," I conclude.

Oskar shakes his head.

"He's just hiding. He's in there," he tells me.

A few seconds pass as I think about my next move. My hand leaves his hair, and I step inside the closet. Carefully, I sink to the floor. Then I open my arms, inviting Oskar to sit on my lap. He crawls on top of me, clutching that poor teddy so tightly to his chest I fear the stitching may come undone.

"Hello, Mr. Monster?" I say as I wrap my arms around my boy. "Listen, we just want to say that we're your friends, and that Oskar-boy here is a really cool little guy, so please don't scare him, will ya?"

Oskar looks at me wide-eyed as I pretend to listen. I nod my head slightly, letting Oskar think I'm truly getting a response.

"What's he saying?" Oskar wants to know, his voice carrying a hint of admiration. I guess he couldn't help but think it's a little cool his mom could talk to monsters.

"He's saying that he's not here to scare you. He's here to protect you," I say to him.

The grip on his teddy loosens. I feel his tiny sigh of relief.

"Really?" He asks, staring me straight in the eye.

I smile at him.

"Really," I say, as I help him up and follow him to his bed.

I kiss him goodnight, and hug him tightly, reassuring him that if he gets scared again, Elsa and I are right next door. I leave his night lamp on, and am about to exit the door when I hear the words, "I love you, Mom," fall from his tiny mouth. I turn around, and let the image of him all huddled up under the covers sink in.

"I love you too," I say without hesitation.

I'm walking down the hall with this bubbly feeling in my stomach. The feeling merely intensifies as I see Elsa curled up on her side sound asleep.

I pull off my jeans and jump into bed. Elsa turns towards me in her sleep. I lay on my side, my elbow popped up on the pillow and head resting in my hand. Without a sound, I brush a strand of Elsa's hair behind her ear.

"I love you, Els…," I whisper to her, although I know she doesn't hear me. "I love our family. You're the reason I wake up with a smile every day."

I kiss her once on the cheek, and crawl under the covers. Sleep in capsules me in no time.

* * *

Traffic is heavy on Saturday morning. Oskar is with Elsa today, the two of them sleeping in. I wanted to keep my promise to Elsa and be back for lunch. This shouldn't take long. I hoped it didn't take long. The drive was a good thirty minutes. I finally reach Corona hospital. The parking lot is crowded. Luckily, I manage to get a spot. I hate hospitals. I hadn't been to one since I broke my arm so many years ago. My arm never did work the same again, but it never held me back. I could still carry Oskar and I could still write. However, sometimes it would give in unexpectedly. The scars would never go away completely, but in a way, they were a friendly reminder of my recovery. How everything managed to get better. How I'd been to hell and back. It was nice to be reminded sometimes.

I walk towards the counter where a nurse is standing, scanning over some paperwork.

"Hi, I'm here to see an Angus Lykke," I say.

The nurse tells me he is in room 405. I thank her and head for the elevator. Before I know it, I'm standing outside of room 405. I take a deep breathe, knock once, and enter. I don't know what I expected as I walked in there. For some reason I had always imagined explosions. Then I remembered that Michael Bay didn't direct my life. Either way, I'd expected a bit more than this.

"Anna?" He asks perplexed.

His face portrayed nothing but surprise and confusion as he saw my face.

"Hi, Dad," I say gently.

He is speechless for a few seconds. I'm just standing in the middle of the room letting it all sink in for a while.

"What're you doing here?" He asks, maybe a bit harsher than intended.

I knew he didn't mean it. If he truly didn't want to see me, he would've been yelling by now. He would've thrown me out the room with no remorse. So, I took his question, despite the hint of accusation, as a good sign.

"I heard that you were sick," I tell him kindly, with a hint of worry in my voice. Because I truly was worried about him. It's never nice seeing your dad like this. Small and frightened in a hospital bed (even though he would never admit that he was scared).

"What, so eleven years and you finally decide to visit your old man?" He grunts.

I pull out a chair and take a seat next to his bed. His heart monitor is the only sound in the room for a little while. I take a deep breath, filling myself with courage before I speak.

"Let's not forget who kicked who out and refused to have contact. You know where I live, I've send you letters with birthday and wedding invitations and whatnot. So don't put this one on me, this is all you," I say in the gentlest way possible.

Being angry helps no one. And who knew, the man might be on his death bed. I wasn't going to say something that left me with a bad conscious, in case he wasn't around for me to make it up to him. He doesn't say anything in his defense. No, he just sits there, looking at me as if he has a hard time believing it's really me. My dad hasn't changed much. Perhaps a few wrinkles here and there, and some grey hairs. Other than that, he looks like himself.

"So, how are you, Anna?" He finally asks.

It doesn't sound as he is particularly happy about being the one to ask that question, however, he does seem curious.

"I'm really good, Dad. Really good."

I forget how he isn't much of a talker. The silence rules once again, and I decide that I might as well take charge of this conversation.

"Everything is just… really great. Elsa and I are married, but I guess you already knew that. I'm fairly sure we sent you an invitation." The last part might have sounded a tad bitter, but I tried my hardest not to continue with such harsh words.

"I'm about to get my second book published," I say excitedly. "The first one really went through the roofs, so I'm hoping this next one can live up to the expectations. I don't know if you've heard of it, but it's called 'Ice Roses,'" I explain. "It took some years to get it published. People weren't too interested, but you know what they say, 14th time's the charm," I joke.

He didn't laugh. I didn't expect him to. I knew he hadn't read it. Honestly, I didn't want him to read it. It was about him too after all. Although, I was sad that he would never know I had dedicated it to him.

I decide that talking about my work wasn't going too well. It seemed to be hurting him a little actually. Maybe he _had_ read it…? I would probably never find out.

"I have a son now," I tell him, as a way to change the topic.

His eyes snapped from his lap to me, and now he looked me straight in the eye. I'd never seen him so surprised before. His mouth hung open by the slightest. I smile at him. A proud smile. Because, despite my dad not knowing his grandchild, I can see that he's proud too.

"His name is Oskar. He's three now," I say proudly, not being able to hold back a smile. "He has this shaggy golden brown hair, and these big brown eyes, and oh my goodness he is probably the most adorable kid on earth." I can't help but get ahead of myself. That happens whenever I talk about Oskar. However, I notice how my dad isn't looking away. He actually seems interested.

I talk a little more about Oskar and work. Deliberately, I mention Elsa more than I usually would. It was kind of my way of marking my territory, letting him know that Elsa and I are still standing strong.

"How's Hans?" I finally ask.

I guess I knew how Hans was. Hans and I rarely speak. He's married some rich girl, and is now working for her father. He is living his stuck-up upper-class life, and I'm not particularly interested in being a part of it. The question is mostly intended to get my dad talking. It worked. He seemed to be proud of Hans, who was now a father of two. _Poor kids_…, I think, which probably wasn't the nicest thing to think about one's brother. Oh well. Either way, it got my dad talking, and soon he's talking about his new wife and a few things that'd happened the past eleven years.

I'm able to leave with a clear conscious. The drive back makes me realize that I'd done good. I try imagining how much different my life would have been if I'd come crawling back to my parents, denying my feelings towards Elsa, and living in the closet the rest of my life.

Although my dad hadn't apologized for had happened so many years ago, and probably never would apologize, this visit had provided with me with some sort of closure. I was freed from a guilty conscious, despite the fact that I shouldn't be the one with the guilty conscious.

I finally arrive at our house, and I step out of the car. I stand in the driveway for a few moments, admiring our house. We painted it turquoise, the exact color it had been so many years ago. I pick up the mail on my way in. Elsa and Oskar are sitting at the dining table as I walk through the door.

"Hey, Darling. We missed you at breakfast," Elsa greets.

Oskar turned around in his chair and smiles at me. I throw my keys on the kitchen counter, and take a seat at the table. Elsa set up a plate for me, clearly hoping I was going to keep my promise to be back before lunch.

"How did it go?" She asks while she poured some food onto Oskar's plate.

"Better than expected," I answer with a subtle smile.

Elsa puts the plate down in front of Oskar, and catches my eyes. We both nodded in agreement that this was a conversation for later.

Oskar is silently consuming his potato salad, while I lean over the table to kiss Elsa, who smiles widely as we part. I smooch Oskar loudly on his cheek, sprinkling him kisses all over his face, hoping that it might tickle. He laughs as he desperately tries to push me and my bombarding kisses away. Elsa smiles at me, and rolls her eyes. I gently nudge her foot under the table. Elsa shakes her head at my silliness as she pours potato salad onto my plate. I look through the mail as she does.

A post card, addressed to the three of us, appears between the many bills and ads. I quickly turn to show Oskar the picture of the three people on the card.

"Look Oskar, we got a postcard from your Great Aunt Susan," I say excitedly, "they're in Vietnam right now. Isn't that cool?"

Oskar grabs the postcard and studies it.

"Look it's Ofelia and Carla!" He says and points to the two people next to Susan.

"That's right, Honey," Elsa say, "now eat your food."

Strict mother Elsa is. I nudge her another time under the table. Just for fun.

Ofelia and Susan adopted Carla when she was eight. I've never seen Susan happier than with Ofelia and Carla. Carla sure was a sweet kid. Now they're out traveling the world. Ofelia and Susan decided to take Carla out of school for six months, before entering high school, to show her the world. Susan couldn't sit still any longer, and needed new adventure. It was so like her. Either way, they'd been gone for almost five months now. They still live here in Arendelle, not too far from us.

Elsa missed Ofelia dearly, I could tell. I missed my aunt too. However, they were never more than a Skype call away. Elsa and I were both eagerly awaiting their return next month.

We finished lunch talking about how maybe we should take a trip somewhere too. Maybe not Vietnam, but somewhere warm at least. I helped Elsa with the dishes. Oskar sat and drew by the coffee table. I walk over to him from the kitchen, kneeling down I ask if he wants to go out and play.

"So, what do you say, Champ? You want to go shoot cans off the roof with Mom's slingshot?" I ask him elatedly.

"Anna!" Elsa exclaims from the kitchen, as if it was the most outrageous thing she'd ever heard.

I stop and stare at her for a brief second, my face having faltered, and fearing Elsa wouldn't allow us. However, Elsa merely plants a hand in her side, and looks at me with a frown.

"What? So you weren't going to invite me?" She asks, pretending to be hurt.

I laugh, and so does Elsa. Oskar just smiles his brilliant smile as always. Then the three of us head to the garden to shoot cans off the roof.

* * *

The End


End file.
